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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to leave my wife

235 replies

sapphiresdad · 04/03/2015 16:26

I can't tell anyone

I have wanted out for years. we don't get on, I know this sounds awful but I don't like her, she doesn't like me much, in the evenings we sit in separate rooms watching different TVs and most nights I fall asleep on the sofa as I just don't want to share a bed. I don't fancy her and the thought of sex with her turns my stomach...she says horrible things to me and puts me down all the time. Even in front of the children. I don't get why she even wants to be with me if I am so shit. I am scared if I leave she will make it hard for me to see them, as she thinks if a man leaves his wife that's it, he has "left his family" and doesn't deserve the title "dad" or to see his kids. She has said as much when couples we know have split.

I loved her at the start but we were very young and tbh I got pushed into getting married. We were early 20's, she was pregnant and it was the right thing to do. I thought this was what happened in life. We bought a house and she wanted baby number 2. I didn't as I was already unhappy. But she got caught with dc2. I suspect she wasn't on the pill. I love my children and don't regret them but they are the only thing keeping me here. The mortgage is massive, we are in debt and I am doing 60 hour weeks just to keep our heads above water. I have a second job at weekends, I feel like I am drowning. MY dc are 10 and 14 and she stopped work when she was pregnant with # 1 and she still doesn't work, she doesn't want to and when I have suggested it she gets angry with me.

Here's where you are going to lose any sympathy you might have had. I have fallen in love with someone else, she is a single mum to a 4 year old and works at my place. I have known her a couple of years as work colleagues but a couple of weeks ago we both admitted we had feelings for each other. Absolutely nothing has happened as we both want to wait until I am free, she knows I am married and knows I am unhappy but she (understandably) is sceptical that I would actually leave. But I would. For the first time ever, I have met someone I want to marry, to have a family with, to love forever. I am 37, am married, I have children already...The timings are wrong

she is amazing, kind, clever, funny, independent, hard working. I have never felt like this before not even as a teenager. If I don't sort my life out she will tell me to get lost. Everyone at work likes her, the women love her and the men all fancy her. She will be snapped up, she is 27 and stunning but most of all a lovely person. And if I leave my wife I will lose my children, my home, everything

I just need some advice, I can't carry on like this

OP posts:
currentnameinuse · 04/03/2015 19:11

Would you have considered leaving if it wasn't for this OW? I don't think it is at all fair on her to use her as handrailing to leave your wife. But you really do need to man up over the debt. I hope the debt of the spending is in your wife's name and not yours. You do however need advice from a debt charity as they way you are leaving is completely unfeasible and will get worse if you split.

chimchimini · 04/03/2015 19:12

Although the credit card debts are in your name your wife would have to be an absolute bitch not to take shared responsibility for them.

CAB should be able to give you a lot of advice. There's always a Debt Management Plan instead of bankruptcy if there really are no other options.

As alway the moneysavingexpert site is an invaluable source of information and support. There is a whole debt free section in the forums, it really helped me sort my finances out.

I really wouldn't tell her until you've taken some legal/financial advice. I'd be tempted to cut up her credit cards too.

talbotinthesky · 04/03/2015 19:15

You only live once you know! Life's too short to be unhappy, especially with someone who can't be arsed to work. I'm assuming there is no legitimate reason for this? If so that would really boil my piss Angry

loveyoutothemoon · 04/03/2015 19:23

Sounds like working all those hours has put a strain on your relationship. Think you should have been more persistent with getting her to work, it's unfair you having to earn all the money and her not doing any of it.
Surely you felt attraction to your wife when you met her. This other woman may seem wonderful in your eyes but that's easy to say when you've not been through pressures with someone, the grass is always greener blah blah.
Maybe you both should've worked at your relationship more. How can you say you're in love with this other woman, sounds more like lust/infatuation.
Maybe you should've laid done some ground rules with your wife, it takes two to make things work.

bingobingo · 04/03/2015 19:23

OP don't believe all the stuff about how important it is not to move on to a new partner. You can't win. Obviously it's not good to have an affair, but if you broke up naturally (i.e. without anyone else in mind) within months people would be telling you there were plenty more fish in the sea and trying to set you up on blind dates.

It has been dead in the water for a long time. Tell your wife asap -- as long as you are super sure you really don't love her and are not just going through a crappy patch. You also need to change the narrative from she pushed you into marriage/baby to that you simply were too young and made some wrong decisions.

Original poster
sapphiresdad · 04/03/2015 19:28

I really appreciate all the responses. Thanks.

Loiveyoutothemoon of course I was attracted to my wife when I met her, but it was physical, there was nothing personality wise, she was a nice person but we didn't click in the way I have clicked with the girl at work.

also to someone who suggested my wife had let herself go, no, quite the opposite, when the dcs are at school she goes to the gym and has sunbeds. And still wears lots of make up and gets her hair done etc. But TBH this is not helping the finances of course and I don't even find the fully made up sunbed tan look attractive anyway, I prefer natural beauty, as cheesy as that sounds, I don't like high maintenance women.

OP posts:
bingobingo · 04/03/2015 19:28

And also there are massive double standards on this thread. There's no reason someone with 10 and 14 year old kids can justify not working when the household needs the money. She sounds like an arse and I can see why you have fallen out of love.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 04/03/2015 19:30

Evening all,

Unfortunately we have a few concerns about this thread, so we're going to suspend it for now while we take a good look behind the scenes.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 05/03/2015 10:31

Morning,

Just letting you all know that we've cleared things up behind the scenes now.

We're happy to confirm that the OP is genuine and, indeed, genuinely in need of your continued advice and support, so we're reopening the thread now.

Thanks for bearing with us. Flowers

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/03/2015 10:41

You need to get some legal advice, finical advice and then tell your wife you want a divorce.

Forget about the other woman for now, she should not be your focus in all of this. You need to sort out your marital situation and custody of the children before even thinking about her.

I hope you can get it all sorted out.

ourglass · 05/03/2015 10:41

Thanks Dawn!

yetanotherchangename · 05/03/2015 10:52

I think financial advice needs to be your priority, then legal advice. If you are thinking about a relationship with the woman you've met, you need to be clear with her about your financial position (it is not ok to bring debt into a relationship).

If you are in a financial position where your current wife is going to need to work to support herself on divorce (and it sounds like you are) then you need to think about how childcare is going to be managed as it would be unfair to leave her penniless but still expect her to do the childcare as she is doing now.

camaleon · 05/03/2015 15:12

binbobingo, I totally believe you can fall in love (particularly in this situation) and things can work out well.
However, the OP seems to be in a very complex financial situation. 'Starting a new family' and adding a stepchild does not seem wise from a strictly financial point of view.

I don't think it is wise to start a new relationship as a family, straight away, when you already have children. But of course you can start a new relationship, explaining the situation. It will probably give him the strength he needs to work out the best possible options. If the woman he is falling in love with is as lovely as he portrays her, she will understand he needs time to seek legal advice, sort out his finance and childcare regime, and proceed with the divorce.

blueberrypie0112 · 05/03/2015 15:28

I was thinking the same thing. Which is why i wrote the stress and responsibilities will still be there. Especially if he meet a new woman and want to start a new family on top of it (having family will always be expensive).

tell her you want a divorce. She deserve her own happiness as well. Someone who appreciate her and her high maintenance ways (there are guys who go for high maintenance women. They don't like down to earth type).

Creeturefeeture · 05/03/2015 15:30

The double standards and victim blaming on this thread (and some others lately) are sickening. I think mumsnet has lost its way and I'm off for good.

HubertCumberdale · 05/03/2015 15:39

Wow the double standards here are brain melting.
OP I think you would have left your wife regardless, but you just needed something to spur you on and give you the confidence to do it. It happens that the thing that's made you feel confident is another woman, which isn't the best but it's totally understandable.
As others have said, do things in stages. Tell your wife you're leaving and why, find a place, establish a routine with your kids, and only then start to explore another relationship. It'll be hard but worth it. Good luck.

blueberrypie0112 · 05/03/2015 15:47

Creeture, I am new here so i have no idea what is going on. In my post, I am only replying what he wrote. He says his wife is high maintenance. I ran into people like that so I know what he meant. My sister is one. She always had to be fashionable and look good. She won't settle for less no matter how little money she has when she lost her job. so I hope that is not considered victim blaming (I can never tell what people are thinking behind posts especially if they post after me).

wonderwoman21 · 05/03/2015 15:56

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fairenuff · 05/03/2015 16:46

Is there any specific advice you are looking for OP? I think you need to prioritise things in a way that suits you best.

For example, would it be easier for you to focus on your financial problems after you separate so that your wife cannot keep spending the money you are earning?

Or would it be easier to sort out your finances whilst you are still together so that you don't have the trauma of separation and solicitor's fees to deal with straight away?

Those are the two most important things to sort out, it just really depends on which you want to do first. Personally, I would get legal advice, separate, set up a new home for myself and then concentrate on sorting out the finances.

But you might prefer to get yourself out of debt first and then concentrate on sorting out the divorce. What do you want?

Another thing to bear in mind is the age of your children. If you leave it until they are older, the separation could happen during their crucial gcse years and that might adversely affect their education. Or if you wait until they finish school, you are then into the A level years and possibly university. Do you want them trying to cope with all that whilst living in an unhappy household?

Children do better with two, happily separated parents than two parents living miserably together.

Torwood · 05/03/2015 16:50

I don't think I was showing double standards at all.
I just can't stand the idea of staying in a dead relationship until something better comes along. I really really think it's pathetic, man or woman.

Torwood · 05/03/2015 16:56

And just to be clear, I absolutely think the OP needs to leave his wife as their relationship sounds horribly destructive.

Wackadoodle · 05/03/2015 17:12

I don't get why she even wants to be with me if I am so shit.

...

The mortgage is massive, we are in debt and I am doing 60 hour weeks just to keep our heads above water. I have a second job at weekends, I feel like I am drowning. MY dc are 10 and 14 and she stopped work when she was pregnant with # 1 and she still doesn't work, she doesn't want to and when I have suggested it she gets angry with me.

So there's your reason why she still wants to be with you.

Duckdeamon · 05/03/2015 17:15

OP's focus seems to be his wife's past and current failings, regret, and the OW. Would be more sensible to think how to approach finances, legal and practical stuff and a break up in a way that gives the DC the best possible chance of a stable future few years before adulthood where they spend time with both parents.

morethanpotatoprints · 05/03/2015 17:30

OP.

This new woman has turned your head because you are unhappy with your wife. Whether you have a future with the ow is immaterial as you really want to leave your wife.
I have a feeling that the love you think you have for this woman isn't necessarily going to help you in the short or mid term.
If you want to divorce your wife, do so because you aren't happy, spend some time on your own and fantasising about marrying a woman who you hardly know won't help you sort yourself out.
Then when the dust has settled and you are free start dating rather than moving into another heavy relationship straight away.

mildlyacquiescent · 05/03/2015 19:10

I'd feel really sad if you were my son or my brother, working seven days a week, and your wife was getting you further into debt, refusing to pul her weight and was so fucking ungrateful, to boot.

Alas, if you are seeing your kids so little already (as you must be, working daily), you may well be right re: custody- but maybe now. They are only enough now to have some say in this and not to be brainwashed. A bigger crime in their eyes would be if you moved right in with this other woman- don't do it, whatever you do.

Tbh you sound very downtrodden and overwhelmed. I'd advise you to separate, move out and consider a divorce. Don't run into someone else's arms, either- you've put up with a lot of shit from the sounds of it, and you sound quite vulnerable to more of the same treatment if you don't take a step back from all this relationship guff for a bit.