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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to leave my wife

235 replies

sapphiresdad · 04/03/2015 16:26

I can't tell anyone

I have wanted out for years. we don't get on, I know this sounds awful but I don't like her, she doesn't like me much, in the evenings we sit in separate rooms watching different TVs and most nights I fall asleep on the sofa as I just don't want to share a bed. I don't fancy her and the thought of sex with her turns my stomach...she says horrible things to me and puts me down all the time. Even in front of the children. I don't get why she even wants to be with me if I am so shit. I am scared if I leave she will make it hard for me to see them, as she thinks if a man leaves his wife that's it, he has "left his family" and doesn't deserve the title "dad" or to see his kids. She has said as much when couples we know have split.

I loved her at the start but we were very young and tbh I got pushed into getting married. We were early 20's, she was pregnant and it was the right thing to do. I thought this was what happened in life. We bought a house and she wanted baby number 2. I didn't as I was already unhappy. But she got caught with dc2. I suspect she wasn't on the pill. I love my children and don't regret them but they are the only thing keeping me here. The mortgage is massive, we are in debt and I am doing 60 hour weeks just to keep our heads above water. I have a second job at weekends, I feel like I am drowning. MY dc are 10 and 14 and she stopped work when she was pregnant with # 1 and she still doesn't work, she doesn't want to and when I have suggested it she gets angry with me.

Here's where you are going to lose any sympathy you might have had. I have fallen in love with someone else, she is a single mum to a 4 year old and works at my place. I have known her a couple of years as work colleagues but a couple of weeks ago we both admitted we had feelings for each other. Absolutely nothing has happened as we both want to wait until I am free, she knows I am married and knows I am unhappy but she (understandably) is sceptical that I would actually leave. But I would. For the first time ever, I have met someone I want to marry, to have a family with, to love forever. I am 37, am married, I have children already...The timings are wrong

she is amazing, kind, clever, funny, independent, hard working. I have never felt like this before not even as a teenager. If I don't sort my life out she will tell me to get lost. Everyone at work likes her, the women love her and the men all fancy her. She will be snapped up, she is 27 and stunning but most of all a lovely person. And if I leave my wife I will lose my children, my home, everything

I just need some advice, I can't carry on like this

OP posts:
King1982 · 04/03/2015 17:57

OP, are you due to inherit any property in the future?

ptumbi · 04/03/2015 18:00

OP - it is a fact that most men dont leave a relationship unless there is a nice comfortable bed somewhere else.

But - if you are unhappy, then leave. Be single for a while. Get legal advice, think about a fair division of assets ; she should still get child maint, half the house value after the mortgage - and with thought to how she could fund another, smaller home for her and the dc - and you will have to think about how to manage the debt (s). Sell the handbags? And any other assets. She will probab;y have to get a job - her problem, after you split.

(BTW holidays in the UK are often just as expensive as a week in Spain, for eg. If not more so!)

Quitelikely · 04/03/2015 18:05

OP just tell her you are leaving her. This marriage is dead in the water.

Don't worry about the dc not seeing you. They are of an age where they can have a voice, especially in court.

Have you got somewhere to stay?

Fairenuff · 04/03/2015 18:05

You must not let her moods dictate your actions. If she is going to sulk, let her sulk. What will she do, leave you?

If she is not prepared to work and earn her own money, she is making herself vulnerable. You are actually in quite a strong position.

Get financial advice on how to start working your way out of debt. Buy a weekly food shop yourself and pay the bills. If the children need clothes, actually need them, then get them from cheaper shops like supermarkets for school uniform, etc.

Do you need to run two cars or is it possible to sell one. Your wife will complain, of course she will but she has choices too. She can get a part time job to help towards costs, she can cut down on her own spending, or she can leave.

Stop letting her make all the decisions. Take charge of your own future.

TheFecklessFairy · 04/03/2015 18:07

Sorry but I think you are a total coward

You wouldn't have said this if the OP was a woman.

AgathaF · 04/03/2015 18:07

What a shit position you are in. You need legal advice, first and foremost. Do that, see what your position is legally, then talk to your wife about the separation, when you have the answers you need for all the shit she will no doubt throw at you.

I think bankruptcy must be a final option for you. Too many repercussions for the future, but you know that already.

Good luck.

TheFecklessFairy · 04/03/2015 18:09

Please please do not spend the next years being so unhappy. Make a break and make a new life. It will be a huge weight lifted, I promise you. Start your new life, then maybe move on to a relationship with the person you love.

Your children will be fine (they are not fine now - children know when something is drastically wrong). Your wife will have to get off her arse and get herself a job.

Be strong.

Minus2seventy3 · 04/03/2015 18:11

That's a "fact" is it? Any evidence? Links, perchance?
This thread's shocking - reverse the genders, and a woman in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship (for that's what this is) would be in receipt of nought but hearts and flowers and support.
This is supposed to be a support site, not one where insults are hurled around just because the OP is male.
OP, get legal advice, and get it now; that will be far more useful than staying here and being called a coward, wet, or told to grow a pair or man up.

blueberrypie0112 · 04/03/2015 18:13

I am wondering if it She'll think getting out of debt and getting a job is all she need to do to fix the marriage. Not that it matters nor it is the point but I can see her doing that unless she truly don't care

blueberrypie0112 · 04/03/2015 18:16

"You must not let her moods dictate your actions. If she is going to sulk, let her sulk. What will she do, leave you?"

I am guessing she make his life miserable like making her kids turn against him if she is the abusive type.

camaleon · 04/03/2015 18:21

The fact that you are considering 'starting a new family' with another woman who has another child when you are so tight financially, suggest to me that your wife is not the only irresponsible member of your marriage.

If yo don't want to lose your kids, and you made such enormous sacrifices to keep in touch with them, forget totally about this woman and her child for a long time.

Fairenuff · 04/03/2015 18:23

It sounds like she will try to use the kids against him anyway, but that is no reason to stay with her. It will be hard, OP, but not as hard as continuing to live like this.

nrv0us · 04/03/2015 18:28

Worth considering -- in not very many years you are going to 'lose' your kids anyway (as they leave home, go off to Uni, start new lives etc.) Better to get yourself into a place that works for you, emotionally, for the long term.

And yes, be careful of idolising the OW -- I'm sure she's lovely, but by comparison to your DW most women would be. Proceed with confidence, but also with caution. You sound pretty self-aware, but you also sound quite beaten down. Don't use another human being as a lifeboat.

Good luck.

clam · 04/03/2015 18:30

Not sure it's worth my posting on this thread, but I think you're getting a very unfair pasting - t'was ever thus on MN though. You're a bloke and you've admitted some cardinal sins in the eyes of the relationships board.

Your situation sounds intolerable. Please take professional advice and then the necessary steps to get yourself (and your kids) out of this toxic relationship.

Good luck.

nrv0us · 04/03/2015 18:41

Oh, and I agree with those who are saying that the way you have been spoken to on this thread is pretty harsh.

Message to all: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a tremendous battle.

theboatisleaking · 04/03/2015 18:42

Tell your wife you want a divorce, then apply for it immediately. It sounds like she's been using you for years and she won't like having to go out and get a job! Be prepared for her to fight it, but stand firm. Stay detached and determined. Life's too short to waste with the wrong partner!
People on here are being so negative and judgemental about this other woman... but if you're in love with her, just go for it! It might be the only second chance you get. Like you say she might not wait for you for long. And it sounds like she's the motivation you need to leave your wife.

Branleuse · 04/03/2015 18:45

you might think how nice it would be to start a family with a woman you only know from work, and youve never lived with or had to go through any sort of stressful situation with. Have never suffered each others moods, washed each others pants etc, but between you you already have 3 children, that you will need to financially support anyway.
Youre basically looking for a replacement wife whos not so grumpy or would be happier with shittier holidays, and in a constant state of comparison rather than looking at her as a person in her own right, like someone whos not in a marriage/relationship.
The chances are, this woman is an escapist fantasy and rebound thing.

You absolutely need to split with your wife, but dont make it about your colleague

Duckdeamon · 04/03/2015 18:47

Get some legal and financial advice asap! Stay away from OW, your DC would not thank you for getting into a new relationship before or straight after ending your marriage.

Greysanderson · 04/03/2015 18:49

Get some legal advice first before you tell your wife make sure you have everything in order since can be a vindictive person.

Fairenuff · 04/03/2015 18:51

Yes, get legal advice first. Don't rush into anything, get all the information you need. If you need to move out straight away, where will you go, all that sort of thing.

JoanHickson · 04/03/2015 18:52

If you want to leave then leave.

Don't get involved with another Woman and don't think about having another child for a good few years.

If you care about your children you won't get involved with another Woman and her child when they have grief over family breakup.

Duckdeamon · 04/03/2015 18:53

If your priority really is shared care of or access to your DC, and to be able to support them financially, ask the professionals and do research into how best to go about achieving that. There are lots of free money services.

why let her continue spending money on your credit cards when you're broke? Just ring all the companies and cancel her access!

ourglass · 04/03/2015 19:03

I don't have any good advice but you've had a lot here anyway. I just wanted to say I really feel for you and wish you the best of luck in finding happiness.

MelonBallersAreStrange · 04/03/2015 19:05

If she is spending money you don't have then you'll have to cut off her supply. Give her the money that is within budget. Get rid of credit cards, joint accounts etc. Sell the handbags. And anything else you can't afford. You don't need her permission.

Ideally, you need to reduce spending so you can reduce time at work so you can spend more time with your DC so the relationship with them is strong enough to withstand the split.

She is horrible to you. Is she horrible to the DC?

cleanmyhouse · 04/03/2015 19:07

Be brave. Tell her you want a divorce. Take a lot of time before you get into anything with the other woman. It's amazing how seductive someone else can seem when you're really unhappy.

You're not a coward or a bit wet or any of the other things. You're just a bloke stuck in a shit marriage.

Good luck.