I want to leave my wife

[sapphiresdad]

I can't tell anyone

I have wanted out for years. we don't get on, I know this sounds awful but I don't like her, she doesn't like me much, in the evenings we sit in separate rooms watching different TVs and most nights I fall asleep on the sofa as I just don't want to share a bed. I don't fancy her and the thought of sex with her turns my stomach...she says horrible things to me and puts me down all the time. Even in front of the children. I don't get why she even wants to be with me if I am so shit. I am scared if I leave she will make it hard for me to see them, as she thinks if a man leaves his wife that's it, he has "left his family" and doesn't deserve the title "dad" or to see his kids. She has said as much when couples we know have split.

I loved her at the start but we were very young and tbh I got pushed into getting married. We were early 20's, she was pregnant and it was the right thing to do. I thought this was what happened in life. We bought a house and she wanted baby number 2. I didn't as I was already unhappy. But she got caught with dc2. I suspect she wasn't on the pill. I love my children and don't regret them but they are the only thing keeping me here. The mortgage is massive, we are in debt and I am doing 60 hour weeks just to keep our heads above water. I have a second job at weekends, I feel like I am drowning. MY dc are 10 and 14 and she stopped work when she was pregnant with # 1 and she still doesn't work, she doesn't want to and when I have suggested it she gets angry with me.

Here's where you are going to lose any sympathy you might have had. I have fallen in love with someone else, she is a single mum to a 4 year old and works at my place. I have known her a couple of years as work colleagues but a couple of weeks ago we both admitted we had feelings for each other. Absolutely nothing has happened as we both want to wait until I am free, she knows I am married and knows I am unhappy but she (understandably) is sceptical that I would actually leave. But I would. For the first time ever, I have met someone I want to marry, to have a family with, to love forever. I am 37, am married, I have children already...The timings are wrong

she is amazing, kind, clever, funny, independent, hard working. I have never felt like this before not even as a teenager. If I don't sort my life out she will tell me to get lost. Everyone at work likes her, the women love her and the men all fancy her. She will be snapped up, she is 27 and stunning but most of all a lovely person. And if I leave my wife I will lose my children, my home, everything

I just need some advice, I can't carry on like this

but maybe not. THey are old enough now*

your wife sounds like a nightmare.
I stayed in a similar relationship for years , out of habit and cowardice.

please please end your hopeless marriage.
I wish you and your children every happiness.
your wife can't stop you seeing your children.
Good luck

Hello everyone

I am just quickly posting as I am using my friends laptop I have nipped in on the way to work. I haven't wanted to post on my pc at home as I am not great with technology and would worry my wife would find what I have been posting

Just to quickly update I have made an appointment with a solicitor in the week next week. and when I have been I am going to sit down with my wife and tell her that I want to leave. I have also been looking at ways to sort my debts.

I wanted to say thank you for the advice I have received on here, it has been a weight off my mind and I have also told my friend the whole story (whose laptop I am using)

I have to go to work now but I will come back and update as soon as I can and sorry if I have not addressed any questions people have asked I Just wanted people to know I appreciate there Replies

I'm so glad you've got something in place to start the ball rolling, and that you've been able to talk to someone.

Wish you the best of luck, keep us updated.

You are doing the right thing. I've 2 male friends in similar situations recently and it was a massive financial upheaval and in both cases the kids (older than yours) initially did turn against their father but now, all but one (adult) has come round and are fully reconciled with their fathers.

I told both these friends they are only on this earth once and living that life in misery is not the best thing to do.

Regardless of this ow you need to get away. Both my friends were drinking heavily and one smoking just to cope with their situations, but both are so happy now with their new wives they have much better health as well as happiness.

This isn't about the OW. This is about your current marriage.

I have been a partner in an unhappy marriage, and I have been the child of parents who were unhappily married, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that all of you - you, your wife, your kids, everyone - will be happier if you take action on this.

it won't be easy, and it will be painful for you all. It will - as you all know well - have financial consequences for you all, which could last for years. You will have to make compromises that you may think are massively unfair, and I imagine your wife will have to make compromises that she views in the same way. You and your wife may dislike each other, but you will have to at least try not to punish each other for what you each perceive as the other's failings.

And it will all be worth it in the end. Me, my ex and my DC are all so much happier, and I get on with my ex now in a way I never thought was possible before. We are much better apart than we ever were together.

And just coming back to say - I write the above without taking everything you wrote as gospel. My ex might have written the same sort of thing about me (different details, but same mood) and of course it was very different from my side. But that's not the point - the point is, that you paint a picture of a very unhappy marriage, and that you will both have to work to change things, and it looks from what you wrote that the change that will have to happen is ending this marriage.

I ended my marriage, and I wish I'd done it earlier. Most of all, I wish my ex had had the courage to end it, too, instead of trying to drag it out for years based on his fear of change and the convenience of having a wife, even one he didn't like very much at the time.

That's a nice positive update from you. I hope the solicitor appointment goes well, and also that you can sort your debt out. Remember that the debt is joint, not just your responsibility.

Can I suggest that between now and speaking to your wife, you get yourself copies of all important documents that you may need in the future - mortgage stuff, credit card paperwork, and shares, birth and marriage certificates, and pension stuff etc. Ask you friend or someone you trust if they can store these for you for a short while until you have got yourself sorted. Also, perhaps speak to your bank and see what you can do with regard to protecting your accounts. Given your wife's love of spending, it would not surprise me at all if she chose to empty any money from your bank accounts as soon as she knows you are leaving.

You are doing the right thing for all of you, and I wish you all the luck in the world. I suspect your wife won't take kindly to losing her meal ticket, but don't allow her to bully you into staying. Whatever happens with the lady at work, make sure that your wife knows nothing about her. She may or may not have been the catalyst for you finally deciding to leave, but she is not the reason. You need to sort everything out to make sure your children have the best future possible. Then, and only then, if she is still there for you, you can think about a relationship. Remember the old saying....."what is for you. won't go by you". Good luck.

Lots of good advice on here about quitting this marriage and it is the right advice. You're in a pretty dire situation.

The first thing you need to do IMO is to protect yourself financially from complete ruin . Cancel all her cards in your name and get whatever money you have in your accounts out of her reach. Do it today.

Set up new accounts for your salary and bill payments that she cannot reach. If you can get any 0% deals on new cards, move your balances across and cut up the cards.

Collect up every handbag, expensive shoe etc and sell it to pay off what you can on the debt. Give her some money to feed your children with. If she wants more, let her get a job.

Get your money straight, then get out!

Glad I not the only one who does this!

OP quote: "in the evenings we sit in separate rooms watching different TVs "

Well done making solicitor appointment.
And a lot of good tips I will copy about sorting credit card debts first.

Get your money straight, then get out!

Wise words of advice!

I'm glad you're making positive steps, but may I suggest one more? You need to step away from the woman at work. Tell her that you need a clear head and time to deal with what you are dealing with. You don't need any emotional 'entanglements' or 'future plans' to cloud your judgement or your thoughts on a fair financial settlement (fair for both you and your wife). And this woman doesn't need to find herself involved in the middle of your divorce, nor get herself enmeshed in dreams either you or she may have about the future.

Only when you have fairly dealt with the matter at hand (your separation and divorce) should you begin to pursue a more personal relationship with her.

ZOMBIE THREAD

Dcs 10 & 14 and other parent doesn't work although family in debt . That would be enough for me. ! Wtf has she been doing since they went to school 5/6 yrs ago ??? Sorry OP you've been has big time, you are funding her lifestyle. Time to leave, be with someone you WANT to be with, and apply to the court Asap for 50/50 custody.

I wonder what happened in the end if he did leave his wife ? Shacked up with the new one ?

You sound lovely. Be brave and Carry on

Hi,

I logged on to my account and saw I had a private message asking me if I could update, sorry I haven't until now, I am at my friends house on his lap top. but if any one is interested heres my update

I left home shortly after I posted in here for advice. I have, and had, great support from my friend and his wife (one I am with at the moment). I see my kids every weekend and take them out. I am now seeing the girl I met at work. It is are going really well, neither of have even felt like this before, I waited 2 months before we got together and we are trying to take it slowly but it is impossible to be honest. We can't stay away from each other. My house is still on the market and I am renting a room in a shared house which is not ideal. But my girlfriend and I have decided to move in together soon see how it goes .

I am more broke and more stressed than I have ever been but also happier than I have ever been :)

My ex wife does not know I am seeing someone else and I know you will all think bad of me for not telling her. But she keeps ringing saying she wants me back, and alternating that with screaming at me when I go collect the kids and calling me names etc. I 100% do not want to get back with her but I am So scared she will stop me seeing the kids, as there have already been a few occasions where she has cancelled access. Once I even went to collect them at a specified agreed time and they were out. I honestly don't know when to tell her. My girlfriend gets upset that I have not told my ex and she worries that I am "edging my bets" even though that is far from the truth ! I have not even told my own mum because I am scared that she will let it slip to my ex

It doesn't sound as though you have seen a solicitor, and that should have been your first step. Then, armed with sound knowledge regarding access to your children, you should tell your wife. She cannot stop you from seeing them, although she can make it difficult.You will also need to accept that she is going to believe that the only reason you left is the OW. It isn't going to be a pleasant experience, but you do owe her the truth. Good luck.

Are you still working two jobs?

I missed this thread at the start.

Ideally in this situation you would go down to working 1 job and be the RP. No one on this thread would have suggested a woman leave the family home without the children in the circumstances you describe.

I fear she will cancel more weekends so make sure you get good legal advice. I wouldn't pussyfoot around. It's not too late to apply for 50/50 residency or even more.

How are your kids coping?

Glad to hear things sounds more positive OP. Please do see a solicitor asap.

Cate I did see a solicitor in the first few weeks after I left, it was a free consultation. Then she charged me bloody £125 for the letter she sent out to my ex. (all the letter basically said is mr sapphiresdad want's a divorce and regular access to the kids)

If she carries on messing me around though of course I will have no choice but to go back solicitors again

Bit stressed about the house its taking forever to sell and I am still paying all the mortgage of course. Ex isn't working she has signed on. I am Still working 2 jobs as got my rent to pay too

The kids seem fine when I have them but ex says they aren't fine

My ex says I am not seeing them anymore than once a week and that I am lucky to have that. I know I wouldn't be allowed even over night access yet as I rent only one room and house share with others.

Honestly. Everyone is quick to jump on the bandwagon that your ex is some vile spendthrift harpy. I'n so glad Annie posted to raids the point her ex could all have said the same thing about her, which want true.

From where I'm standing, your head was turned by petty work girl and, suddenly, your marriage was shit 'and always had been'; your wife was so revolting she turned your stomach. Plus you wanted to marry and have babies with petty work girl even BEFORE good had a date with her. Or so you say.

Now you've left your wife and you're loved up with pretty work girl and of course your wife is the screaming happy, still 100% revolting (and she would be up against fantasy perfect petty work girl) and you haven't even told your site you're setting someone else.

So, you fell in 'love' with someone pretty at work - natural beauty, mind, nothing artificial (unlike you know who) - and realised in a flash that you hated your wife. You've had a major head start on your wife who is no doubt reeling.

So far so predictable I'm afraid. You're a married man who played away is about the sum of it. I don't buy that you were forced into marriage, forced into second baby, forced into huge mortgage etc. You just got your head turned is all. And you've put your wife through hell by not giving her the dignity and respect of telling her the truth.

i really feel for you sapphiresdad. what a tough situation. and not letting you have the kids as pre-arranged is unforgivable. keep going. selling that house is the next big step. take time before moving in with the new gf though, as tempting as it is. don't rush in too fast.