I want to leave my wife

[sapphiresdad]

I can't tell anyone

I have wanted out for years. we don't get on, I know this sounds awful but I don't like her, she doesn't like me much, in the evenings we sit in separate rooms watching different TVs and most nights I fall asleep on the sofa as I just don't want to share a bed. I don't fancy her and the thought of sex with her turns my stomach...she says horrible things to me and puts me down all the time. Even in front of the children. I don't get why she even wants to be with me if I am so shit. I am scared if I leave she will make it hard for me to see them, as she thinks if a man leaves his wife that's it, he has "left his family" and doesn't deserve the title "dad" or to see his kids. She has said as much when couples we know have split.

I loved her at the start but we were very young and tbh I got pushed into getting married. We were early 20's, she was pregnant and it was the right thing to do. I thought this was what happened in life. We bought a house and she wanted baby number 2. I didn't as I was already unhappy. But she got caught with dc2. I suspect she wasn't on the pill. I love my children and don't regret them but they are the only thing keeping me here. The mortgage is massive, we are in debt and I am doing 60 hour weeks just to keep our heads above water. I have a second job at weekends, I feel like I am drowning. MY dc are 10 and 14 and she stopped work when she was pregnant with # 1 and she still doesn't work, she doesn't want to and when I have suggested it she gets angry with me.

Here's where you are going to lose any sympathy you might have had. I have fallen in love with someone else, she is a single mum to a 4 year old and works at my place. I have known her a couple of years as work colleagues but a couple of weeks ago we both admitted we had feelings for each other. Absolutely nothing has happened as we both want to wait until I am free, she knows I am married and knows I am unhappy but she (understandably) is sceptical that I would actually leave. But I would. For the first time ever, I have met someone I want to marry, to have a family with, to love forever. I am 37, am married, I have children already...The timings are wrong

she is amazing, kind, clever, funny, independent, hard working. I have never felt like this before not even as a teenager. If I don't sort my life out she will tell me to get lost. Everyone at work likes her, the women love her and the men all fancy her. She will be snapped up, she is 27 and stunning but most of all a lovely person. And if I leave my wife I will lose my children, my home, everything

I just need some advice, I can't carry on like this

I am sorry you have let yourself stay for so long in a situation that is making you so miserable. Your children deserve positive role models for their own relationships and you are clearly not demonstrating that at present. Two separate happy parents can be better than miserable ones together. Definitely leave it a while before you start anything with X though - your children will be understandably suspicious and your wife will have good grounds for manipulating them into seeing her as the victim if that was the case.
Good luck.

Your wife won't be able to stop you seeing your kids. They're at an age where they can pretty much decide whether to see you for themselves. They may not want to for a while if you leave your wife for another woman. You need to leave, be single, get everyone settled. Then you can think about whether you should start a relationship with the other woman.

Re DC2, she didn't "get caught". You were unhappy and didn't want more children, yet despite knowing she did, you left contraception to her and chose the pleasure of unprotected sex in an already fragile relationship.
Unless you were using condoms that is??
Your wife sounds far from perfect, but if your take on her second pregnancy relates to to how you describe your current situation then maybe you need to be taking more responsibility for how things have turned out.

OP there are several things going on here which you are mixing up.

Firstly, forget about the other woman for now. You need to sort out your marriage one way or the other. You are in no position to be considering someone else right now.

You clearly need to separate from your wife. I can't believe you are so unhappy and this has been going on for so long but you haven't even consulted a solicitor! You have no idea where you stand legally, so that is obviously the first step.

She might make things difficult with the children at first but you do everything you are supposed to do, document everything and the courts will intervene and make sure that you get reasonable access to your children.

You write as if things have happened to you in your life. You are failing to take responsibility for your own decisions. You willingly got married. You willing had sex without using a condom. You cannot blame other people for your own choices just because you think they were not good choices. So that has to change too.

Sees in you, what exactly has she told you, I thought you were just colleagues who had developed feelings, have you actually been seeing her?

I'm not criticising you for wanting out. You're marriage sounds dead in the water. My criticism is that it has taken meeting another woman for you to be on the verge of making that leap.
You are not alone. Statistically, men rarely leave unhappy marriages to live on their own. They leave only once they meet someone else to be with. I just see that as pathetic not the wanting a divorce

It is. It is pathetic, that the reason I have stayed is habit and fear. And that is No excuse.

Get legal advice and make the move.

jan no we haven't as I said, I just can't believe she likes me. I can't believe someone like her would like someone like me.

Forget her. Concentrate on ending your marriage now. One thing at a time.

OP, your wife sounds abusive and that she has knocked all your self esteem from you.
It sometimes takes a situation, like a friendship, to open your eyes and give you the strength to leave.
It sounds like your wife is only staying in the marriage because you are her cash cow and fund her set up.
I'd see a solicitor, gather copies of every paperwork you might need, start thinking about what contact with children is most desirable.

Will the sale of your house fund two households?

So how exactly have you formed this relationship?

So tell your wife and kids and move out.There is no reason you should not have up to 50/50 contact. Sort it.

King we have re mortgaged several times in the past mostly for holidays and cars as UK holidays were never good enough for her and I couldn't deal with the sulking if we didn't go abroad. and so nothing tangible really. At a guess, if I sold up, it would clear the mortgage but only just. It wouldn't give us any profit or pay any debts.

I am in debt up to my eyeballs. I buy groceries and petrol on my credit cards, pay the minimum and take cash out on the cards to meet min payments. And she is still going out fucking shopping all the time. I mean Christ she has about ten designer handbags that are worth about ten K all in yet I work in a bloody warehouse. And at weekends I do casual labouring.

We are not flash or rich, We drive second hand cars and have a decentish 3 bed terrace. But she seems to want to live like she is a WAG or something.

God its all coming out now. I sound F*&^d Don't I?

1. Tell your wife you are leaving. Have an honest discussion about how you feel.

1. Find somewhere to live. Not with, or arranged by, your work colleague.

1. Take some time to establish regular contact with your DCs, work out financial matters, initiate your divorce etc, etc.

1. Relax.

1. If you & your colleague are still interested in each other romantically then see what happens.

The current situation sounds unpleasant for everyone TBH.

Well I have read your post quickly and got the gist. I haven't really looked at what replies you have had BUT Ummmm No I don't have any sympathy for these reasons:

Why have another child if your marriage is that unhappy? Quite clearly you were still happy to take part in bedroom activities!!

If you were so unhappy, Why wait until you have found someone else to leave? If your marriage was so intolerable for so long why did you not make the change/decision years ago. If, as you say it is so bad and your wife if so unhappy you may have been able to sort things out amicably.

If you have a huge mortgage and debt and 2 jobs how can you possibly even think about entering into another relationship? and even mention the idea of starting a family with this girl? Surely, your first priority would be supporting the children you already have?

Sorry, I may be totally wrong but I think your marriage maybe in a rut your wife is a stay at home mum and that is not easy. It isn't easy being a working mum either. I have been both and being at home does, of course, have its advantages but it can also be lonely, mundane and stressful. I am sure you go home sometimes and your wife has spent the day doing housework she may not have done her hair, make up etc, she has cajoled the children into doing homework. etc and and maybe she doesn't have the spark, humour like the young girl in the office and, of course, the grass always looks greener on the other side. Unfortunately, this is real life the fantasy life you have in your head where this girl is perfect is not real. The gloss would soon disappear.

I don't think for one minute your marriage has been like this for years I think you just fancy a girl in the office and you have now made out you have this unhappy marriage to justify whatever action you are thinking of taking.

You need to take a long hard look at what your priorities before you shatter lives and make decisions you may live to regret and have some respect for your wife.

I'm not going to criticise you for being attracted to someone new. There are endless threads from people on this board who are trapped in crappy marriages 'for the sake of the kids' or because they don't have anywhere to go, or they lack confidence, or for some other reason. There's no abuse or infidelity or anything else traumatic. Not bad enough to leave, not good enough to stay etc. It often takes some kind of external catalyst for them to realise that they really don't want to do this for another 30 years.

In your case it's this other person.... it happens.

When a woman has been in an abusive relationship for a long time we recognise that it can be very difficult to find the self-belief and strength to leave. We don't call her "wet" and "a coward".

On top of that OP is working long hours and his wife is primary carer and he's worried about access. That's a powerful reason not to have left.

OP when you have been in this situation a lovely prospective new partner is going to appear perfect and extremely appealing to you. Be wary of that – being better than your wife and the marriage you are trapped in doesn't mean this OW really is the perfect solution. As others have wisely said, hold off on that for a while. If that woman is right for you then she'll wait until you are single and back on your feet. If she gets "snapped up" then she wasn't particularly into you, so not much loss.

Re your kids, at 10 and 14 they will be asked what they want in any court settlement. Also before long they will be much more independent and can see you if they want to.

Put the OW aside. Ask for a divorce, get legal advice and get the ball rolling. You can do it.

Loads of women in unhappy abusive relationships have more children, even though they could control contraception if they so chose. It is not as simple as "why did you do that".

I really think there is some gender bias being reflected in the patronising tone of some the comments. No one would call a female O.P. 'wet' for hesitating to leave a relationship; even one where there was serious abuse happening at all levels.

The O.P doesn't find it easy to walk away from a bad marriage. Well that level of commitment is to be applauded actually, as often there are complaints about men who dump their marriage vows the moment they're bored or things get difficult and don't try at all. The marriage sounds like it's been sexless for a long time, so I don't blame the O.P. for being tempted elsewhere.

O.P. I don't condone an affair for any reason, but I do understand why you would want to grab a chance of happiness elsewhere. If you do leave do not go straight to the other woman though, as you will not be in a fit state mentally for the relationship to thrive and it will not be fair to her.

I suggest you see a solicitor as soon as you can to discuss the law with regards to access. Legally your wife cannot stop you seeing the children, although if she's the vindictive type she can try every trick in the book. So DO NOT run straight to the other woman because your ex could put 2+2 together and make 99 and accuse you of having an affair - why would she believe you only started the relationship after you left? - and use this against you.

Good luck.

I assume as your wife doesn't work is all the debt in your name. Is bankruptcy a possibility? It's not advisible if you are planning on starting a business in the near future, but could you write off your debt and potentially have more money for you and your kids. It will probably mean you will need to rent a flat/house in someone else's name, a family member or friend.

I don't think for one minute your marriage has been like this for years

Ha ha if only. It has. Believe me, I am the one who has been living in it day to day. I know what it has been like and it was like it a bloody long while before this girl even started at work let alone I knew she liked me!!

Of course people in the happiest relationships fancy others, I KNOW this. But its more than just a passing fancy, as I say, even if nothing comes of this, I do not I do not want to be with the person I am with any longer. I know I can be happier with someone else.

FGS cancel the credit cards and let her fund her own aspirational but unfunded lifestyle. I'd ebay the handbags too if I was living that hand to mouth personally

Two things - you are 37, plenty young enough to start a new life with or without the lady you fancy. I'd assume the latter for the purposes of moving on and take it slowly

Decide if you want to move on with your life and out of what sounds like a very unhappy marriage.
Figure out what you will be asked to contribute towards supporting your children and your wife.
Possibly file for bankruptcy but that will make it very difficult to get a rental home.

Stop living in a hate filled marriage - what a horrible example you two are setting for your children. Two adults who live entirely separate lives and barely tolerate each other.

You would rather get up to your eyes in debt than put up with a bit of sulking?

I asked a few months ago if we could sell a couple of the bags to clear some debt and she laughed and told me to fuck off. Those actual words.

She says I don't try hard enough at work as well, that my jobs are shit and I "should" be earning more "by now" ....I'm not sure how I can try any harder than what I am doing.

I have considered bankruptcy but as someone has already said, it would affect my chances of getting a rental home or another mortgage in the future.

And yes fairenough that's how bad it is, As I said, I am pathetic. I guess I thought it would make her happy, and maybe we would be happier if she was happy. Clearly it didn't work that way :)