Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I want to leave my wife

235 replies

sapphiresdad · 04/03/2015 16:26

I can't tell anyone

I have wanted out for years. we don't get on, I know this sounds awful but I don't like her, she doesn't like me much, in the evenings we sit in separate rooms watching different TVs and most nights I fall asleep on the sofa as I just don't want to share a bed. I don't fancy her and the thought of sex with her turns my stomach...she says horrible things to me and puts me down all the time. Even in front of the children. I don't get why she even wants to be with me if I am so shit. I am scared if I leave she will make it hard for me to see them, as she thinks if a man leaves his wife that's it, he has "left his family" and doesn't deserve the title "dad" or to see his kids. She has said as much when couples we know have split.

I loved her at the start but we were very young and tbh I got pushed into getting married. We were early 20's, she was pregnant and it was the right thing to do. I thought this was what happened in life. We bought a house and she wanted baby number 2. I didn't as I was already unhappy. But she got caught with dc2. I suspect she wasn't on the pill. I love my children and don't regret them but they are the only thing keeping me here. The mortgage is massive, we are in debt and I am doing 60 hour weeks just to keep our heads above water. I have a second job at weekends, I feel like I am drowning. MY dc are 10 and 14 and she stopped work when she was pregnant with # 1 and she still doesn't work, she doesn't want to and when I have suggested it she gets angry with me.

Here's where you are going to lose any sympathy you might have had. I have fallen in love with someone else, she is a single mum to a 4 year old and works at my place. I have known her a couple of years as work colleagues but a couple of weeks ago we both admitted we had feelings for each other. Absolutely nothing has happened as we both want to wait until I am free, she knows I am married and knows I am unhappy but she (understandably) is sceptical that I would actually leave. But I would. For the first time ever, I have met someone I want to marry, to have a family with, to love forever. I am 37, am married, I have children already...The timings are wrong

she is amazing, kind, clever, funny, independent, hard working. I have never felt like this before not even as a teenager. If I don't sort my life out she will tell me to get lost. Everyone at work likes her, the women love her and the men all fancy her. She will be snapped up, she is 27 and stunning but most of all a lovely person. And if I leave my wife I will lose my children, my home, everything

I just need some advice, I can't carry on like this

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/03/2015 16:55

So you're leaving for your new totty. That's going to go over really well.

Jan45 · 04/03/2015 16:57

Forget the young sexy thing, concentrate on yourself, get sorting out a separation, why has it taken her to make you realise, you surely must've known you were in a dead relationship, it really looks like you were hanging about whilst looking for something better, now you've found it, or think you have, you feel ready to move on - doesn't look good does it.

ineedabodytransplant · 04/03/2015 16:58

Branleuse,

Grin I know whatever next, eh?

MorrisZapp · 04/03/2015 17:01

Posters are always coming on here because they fancy someone at work. The advice is always if you want to be with someone else, do thedecent thing and end your relationship first.

Which is exactly what OP plans to do. How else should he handle it?

Ebayaholic · 04/03/2015 17:02

One of the reasons why you don't want to make love to your wife and why your marriage is so bad is that you have a new love interest and in order to assuage your guilt you are making things as bad as they can be, either consciously or subconsciously. Do your wife a favour and leave - it is quite unlikely that you and this new lady will last the distance once all the hurt and disgust kick in. You sound immature.

CheersMedea · 04/03/2015 17:03

And my wife is such a vicious sort of person I just think she would be the type to mess me around re access etc and possibly even turn them against me.

Messing you around re: access is something that if it persists, the court can intervene in.

Turning them against you: this does happen but it tends to be more effective when children are younger. The 14 year old is approaching maturity and even a ten year old can be pretty savvy. You have 10 and 14 years worth of relationship with them.

It's not like you're dealing with under 5s who could grow up indoctrinated in the belief that their father is the devil.

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 04/03/2015 17:04

The reason your wife keeps you around is because you fund her lifestyle. Simple. She will not take it well, you are forcing her to be responsible for herself financially.

See a solicitor, get your ducks in a row and then talk to your wife. It is clear that you aren't happy together. She cannot stop you seeing your children.

Do not start a relationship with the new woman until you are out of the house, settled and have sorted out seeing your children. They are your priority.

If you are worth waiting for and the new woman is then you can wait. It is crass to jump from a marriage straight into the arms of another.

My best friend left her husband as it wasn't working out (no kids) and then about 6 months later she met an amazing man. She told him straight that she wasn't ready for anything. He asked her how long she needed, she said about 3 months. He contacted her again exactly 3 months to the day. They have been together for over 20 years.

blueberrypie0112 · 04/03/2015 17:04

What do you want to do? Stay with your wife because of your kids (if you plan to go that route, then I strongly suggest counseling) . Did you just want an affair while you do this. Your kids are teens anyhow, so you have a better chance seeing them a lot. They would just resent their mother if she won't allow them.

overmydeadbody · 04/03/2015 17:05

Gosh some people are being overly harsh to the OP.

Expat the OW is not going for another man, they have not done anything wrong, just developed feelings for each other. Understandable as the OP is clearly unhappy in his current marriage.

OP you need to leave. Your wife will not be able to stop you seeing your children, don't worry about that.

I don't know why others are giving you a hard time about staying in an unhappy relationship, when the relationship board is full of women admitting to staying in unhappy marriages for years and years. I think people are letting the fact that you are a man cloud their responses.

Original poster
sapphiresdad · 04/03/2015 17:06

ebay The sex has been gone for years

It embarrasses me to say this, thank god for anonymity but I would guess at it being at least a couple of years since we have had sex, and before that it wasn't great, once every few months if that.

I hope it works out with the other woman, but as I said even if it doesn't then I 1000000% know that I do not want to be with my wife

And I know I should have left before, god don't I know this

OP posts:
specialsubject · 04/03/2015 17:07

time to end the marriage, neither of you are getting anything out of it. Move out, sort things out, be alone for a while. If the colleague is that interested she will wait and respect you for waiting.

but no more kids until you are financially straight. Sorry if that ends as 'no more kids'.

Original poster
sapphiresdad · 04/03/2015 17:08

And, in answer to another poster (sorry can't recall name) I don't want an affair

As much as I fancy and have feelings for XXXXXX I refuse to do anything until I am single. I am already being emotionally unfaithful, I realise that, so maybe hypocritical.

OP posts:
Torwood · 04/03/2015 17:09

Your marriage has clearly been over for years. But it's just fucking typical (I don't care if I'm flamed as sexist ) for you to stay put until another woman shows you a bit of attention. So you couldn't bear to live apart from your kids before meeting this other woman but now you've met her you somehow can? Hmm
I'm not siding with your wife. She should get herself a job and ask for a divorce too. But it's really do pathetic to put up with if all until something better comes along.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/03/2015 17:09

OP, I stayed with my husband because I thought divorce would be awful for me and for our kids. Thankfully, he eventually left. Divorce was FINE. A few months of anger, a few more months of sadness, but it led to a lot of changes that were ultimately ALL for the better. Our kids are so happy now, and we are too (we both met new people that are much better fits).

It's not going to be as bad as you think. Not at all. It's not going to be a walk in the park! But it won't be as bad as it is now.

Please don't idolise the new woman. She might be lovely but she's not perfect, and if you carry on thinking she's perfect and will get "snapped up" etc, you'll blow it. Keep it in proportion!!!

Your wife sounds... Well, not the easiest character to deal with. But don't let her scare you into staying.

juneau · 04/03/2015 17:10

Yes, you do have to do something. Your marriage has been dead for years and you're wasting your life currently. Whether things work out with this OW or not, its by the by, but hopefully your feelings for her will finally motivate you to end this toxic marriage.

Go and see a solicitor and get advice about separation - how and when to do it. And if you want joint custody of your kids then fight for it. Unless she can prove you're an unfit dad then AFAIK its perfectly normal these days to have a 50/50 split and there is no reason for you to feel she's going to shaft you. You're married and co-parents and you have the same rights she does, so take a deep breath and do this.

Original poster
sapphiresdad · 04/03/2015 17:10

No torwood I am not sure I can live without my kids, woman or no woman

That's what I am saying

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/03/2015 17:12

I'm sorry your marriage has broken down. I think you have to put ideas of a lifeboat relationship with the single mum on hold until you resolve the marriage problem fully. Few women, especially not one with a child, are going to leap into the arms of a man who is in the middle of a divorce.

So please talk to your wife as a matter of urgency. She may feel exactly as you do and is keen to draw a line under it, or it may come as a shock in spite of everything. Get legal advice, be cooperative, try to keep it amicable for everyone's sake and make sure your children are your absolute top priority at all times. You can potentially turn a bad marriage into a good split.

ptumbi · 04/03/2015 17:14

Your chcildren are plenty old enough to decide for themselves whether they want contact with you, their father. It will not be up to your DW.

Re the OW - 'she will be snapped up'??? Hmm She is not a piece of furniture! If you and she are 'in love', then she will not be 'snapped up' like a bargain. How misogynist.

chimchimini · 04/03/2015 17:15

Definitely get some legal advice. The debt thing is scarey, would the mortgage and debt be covered by the sale of the marital home?

If it's been this bad for this long I think you're right to leave. Your kids must know what's going on if you and your wife don't even hang out together. And you are only 37 so if you want (and can afford) more kids if you do settle down with your new love there's plenty of time.

I really don't understand why so many people on MN think that marriages should last forever, counselling is the answer to everything and the person you marry is the only person you must ever have feeling for for the rest of your life. Sorry, it's RL not a book.

base9 · 04/03/2015 17:16

OP is very much leaving for another woman. That is in fact the only reason he is now looking for solicitors rather than just continuing to be unhappily married. I think he should leave, that is perfectly fine, but the reason he is leaving is clear. And he has handed his wife a good reason to be hateful and difficult, which he fears she is inclined to be anyway.

In this order: tell your wife what is going on. Tell your kids, together if you can manage it. Find a lawyer who will protect your contact with your dc. Good luck to you and your dw.

Torwood · 04/03/2015 17:16

I'm not criticising you for wanting out. You're marriage sounds dead in the water. My criticism is that it has taken meeting another woman for you to be on the verge of making that leap.
You are not alone. Statistically, men rarely leave unhappy marriages to live on their own. They leave only once they meet someone else to be with. I just see that as pathetic not the wanting a divorce.

Original poster
sapphiresdad · 04/03/2015 17:17

ptumbi I am sorry if that came across as misogynist

I just mean that lots of people fancy her, she is beautiful. And to be honest I have a low opinion of myself, I don't know what she sees in me

OP posts:
Torwood · 04/03/2015 17:18

X posts with base

PurpleWithRed · 04/03/2015 17:19

What is stopping you? You think she will keep you from seeing your children? Your children are hardly babies, if they want to see you and if you have a good relationship with them then you will see them whatever she thinks. (Oh and newsflash: they probably already know you are both miserable, and it's horrible for them).

Just do it. You have everything to gain. Short term it may be nasty and messy but long term it will be well worthwhile.

MinceSpy · 04/03/2015 17:19

If you want to leave your marriage do it for yourself not this ow. Get legal advice and plan your exit strategy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread