I want to leave my wife

[sapphiresdad]

I can't tell anyone

I have wanted out for years. we don't get on, I know this sounds awful but I don't like her, she doesn't like me much, in the evenings we sit in separate rooms watching different TVs and most nights I fall asleep on the sofa as I just don't want to share a bed. I don't fancy her and the thought of sex with her turns my stomach...she says horrible things to me and puts me down all the time. Even in front of the children. I don't get why she even wants to be with me if I am so shit. I am scared if I leave she will make it hard for me to see them, as she thinks if a man leaves his wife that's it, he has "left his family" and doesn't deserve the title "dad" or to see his kids. She has said as much when couples we know have split.

I loved her at the start but we were very young and tbh I got pushed into getting married. We were early 20's, she was pregnant and it was the right thing to do. I thought this was what happened in life. We bought a house and she wanted baby number 2. I didn't as I was already unhappy. But she got caught with dc2. I suspect she wasn't on the pill. I love my children and don't regret them but they are the only thing keeping me here. The mortgage is massive, we are in debt and I am doing 60 hour weeks just to keep our heads above water. I have a second job at weekends, I feel like I am drowning. MY dc are 10 and 14 and she stopped work when she was pregnant with # 1 and she still doesn't work, she doesn't want to and when I have suggested it she gets angry with me.

Here's where you are going to lose any sympathy you might have had. I have fallen in love with someone else, she is a single mum to a 4 year old and works at my place. I have known her a couple of years as work colleagues but a couple of weeks ago we both admitted we had feelings for each other. Absolutely nothing has happened as we both want to wait until I am free, she knows I am married and knows I am unhappy but she (understandably) is sceptical that I would actually leave. But I would. For the first time ever, I have met someone I want to marry, to have a family with, to love forever. I am 37, am married, I have children already...The timings are wrong

she is amazing, kind, clever, funny, independent, hard working. I have never felt like this before not even as a teenager. If I don't sort my life out she will tell me to get lost. Everyone at work likes her, the women love her and the men all fancy her. She will be snapped up, she is 27 and stunning but most of all a lovely person. And if I leave my wife I will lose my children, my home, everything

I just need some advice, I can't carry on like this

I agree this is typical cheaters script , forced into marriage , forced into fatherhood. I also think it's very cruel to not let the wife know that there was and is someone else on the scene.

It's also irresponsible and selfish to move in with the ow at this stage. It's far too soon for any of the children involved. I suspect when ow dumps him he will go scamper back to his horrible wife blaming depression or similar rubbish.

at the 'script' argument. It's a script because it's such a oft repeated set of experiences. Because it's rl not a bloody pantomime with heroes and villains. It is a fact that MOST separated fathers live apart from their dcs. It's a fact that MOST dcs live with their DM when parents separate. Therefore it stands to reason that any father who wants to leave his wife will more than likely be forced into leaving their children. A woman who wants to leave her dh MOSTLY do not have that dilemma. It is therefore entirely logical that no devoted father will leave their children until the situation becomes unbearabLe and this feeling is usually bought into sharp focus by meeting someone else and comparing a miserable existence to what could be possible. Now, the difficulty comes in differentiating between a genuine unhappy existence and simply seeing a new relationship as the grass being greener. In this particular case based on the fact that OP states he works 60hrs a week, drowning in debt whilst wife has not worked since first child Despite them now being 11 & 14. For me that alone would suggest an unequal and genuinely unhappy relationship.. As for new relationship I personally do not subscribe to the belief you 'have to wait' 6 months... I and dh both left our spouses and shacked up together within a couple of months. 8 dcs between us (none together) 26 yrs on and no one is in therapy.. It's a decision only those in the relationship can make a call on. All part of being a parent and making the right call.

Having two brothers in miserable marriages, I can't help but feel for you OP. The home life you describe sounds awful and you would probably have gotten a lot more sympathy if you didn't mention the OW. I think people in miserable marriages are deserving of some happiness. I second the advice given by many of sorting yourself out financially. If you have credit card debts, consolidate them onto an interest free card. This site is good for money saving solutions:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/

And how many marriages become miserable because men get a littler bored with the humdrum of mortgages and small children and having to pull their weight. And then they get a little flattered because some work colleague with no stretch marks and the ability to spend all weekend giving them blowjobs happens to laugh at their jokes and fall for their 'woe is me' bullshit?

do you think maybe having to take a 2nd job and work 60 hours a week while your partner refuses to take a job or otherwise help with the debt might also make your marriage a tiny bit miserable?

Nobody should stay in a miserable marriage. But hiding his relationship (affair) from his wife is very wrong.

Sapphire's dad. I'm sorry you're having a tough time on here. Sometimes you don't even realise how bad things are until someone else triggers feelings you'd forgotten you were capable of. I left my husband nearly 6 months ago. I've been dating someone for 4 months; I have no intention of telling my ex any time in the near future, he doesn't need to know about him. I will tell him one day, when I think it's appropriate to tell our children, but not until then.

I hope you have a happy ending.

You sounded like a slave tbh why couldn't she work with a 10 and 14? Year old?!

If she stops you having access you take her to court for a court order for access, they're your kids.

It sounds like you were emotionally abused from what you wrote. You didn't embark on an affair, you waited until you were split before seeing gf so good on you.

Good luck!

But the point is whatif He DIDNT have an affair.. He did exactly as he should do. He left. Now he is separated he has a relationship. He is under no obligation to tell his stbe-w. However it may help to tell her and leave that that door firmly shut.

Wow, not that I don't have sympathy for somebody trapped in an unhappy relationship but I agree with springydaffs that the portrayal of the wife as a lazy materialistic article who's now lost her cash cow is really 2d indeed.

By all means divorce. But be honest to everybody and deal with the repercussions.

I don't think there's any merit to staying in an unhappy marriage, so I won't berate you for having left. But I would say tell your mother you've met somebody knew. Tell your wife FIRST though so that she doesn't hear it from somebody else. No matter how bad things were between you, it'd be humiliating to hear it from somebody else in the supermarket, so make sure that doesn't happen.

My x also took no responsibility for conception of our first child, even though he wasn't wearing a condom. I am to use your own terminology, revolted, by men who don't take 50% responsibility for a pregnancy. Getting pregnant isn't something women 'do' to men. Put. on. a. condom.

Also, I'm sure that the 27 year old is lovely and uncomplicated and all the rest of it. But your wife will now have to be independent won't she!? which is an irony, as it is the single parent's independence that you admired!

ps, It's hard to get back in to the workplace after a long break. So if your wife doesn't INSTANTLY manage to get a well-paid job, this isn't proof of her laziness! My children are younger than yours and I found it very hard. I couldn't earn enough to pay for childcare for two. I was on benefits for a while which my x took as proof of my laziness.

Sorry but I stand by what I said about them not moving in together yet. I've seen people do this and its been a mess! The children of those situations are friends and relatives of mine in late 30's and 40's it happened at ages from junior to high school and their relationships with their parents will never recover. Nobody in therapy but then people just 'get on' with this kind of thing don't they in UK? But the repercussions are now affecting the grandkids.

Given he also says he has a mountain of debt I don't think it's fair to put the complications of that onto a new partner either.

Patch if my husband and his colleague were talking about how much they loved each other I'd consider it an emotional affair at the very least.

You seriously need to slow things down here.

Your children have had a rough few months. Their parents have separated. Their dad has moved out. Their home is up for sale.

And here you are planning to move in with a girlfriend and her child. A girlfriend who they have heard nothing of.

From your OP you clearly have a history of being swept up in things - the marriage you didn't want, the pregnancies which seemingly just 'happened'. And here you are making the same mistakes. You only managed to stay single for a matter of weeks.

Take a step back from the new relationship and concentrate on the two children that you already have. They need stability - not another shock.

I've never been left for an OW so this pot is not coming from personal bitterness but I just have something to say about all this.

First of all when a woman raises your children and leaves her career to do it, it's pretty appalling to complain about her not working. She might well be able to get a job of some sort, but it's likely she gave up the idea of a fullfilling career to be married and have a family. I am not saying she can't be expected to pitch in and maybe get a part time job doing something less qualified who would accept someone after a 10 or 15 year career break but speaking from experience it's not that easy and also quite daunting. It's also a lot of work looking after kids and a home.

Second of all, I think if you feel all these things about your wife - the decent thing to do would have been to have told her and discussed this - not start flirting and falling in love with someone else. I do understand your needs aren't being met in your marriage but thre's a right way and a wrong way to do things and your way involved looking at some shiny new, "stunning" woman who's all the things your wife isn't and it's an unfair comparison.

Third of all, if you're telling a woman you're in love with her - it's not a case of "nothing has happenned". Fro my perspecitive I'd be more upset about my husband doing that, than if he'd had sex.

You might wellbe a very nice man, and your wife ight wll be a demon or incompatable with you but I suspect what's more the case is that you have partially been responsible for your wife becoming who she is.

It was partly down to you that she had another baby, unles she impregnated herself

Partly down to you she is not an indepenent career woman.

Hardly her fault she is not 27 and stunning.

And also you know...if you live with and do these things (like watch TV in a separate room) then you are equally culpable. It sounds to me like you hav been unhappy for ages in multiple ways and instead of doing something aout it you have cast all the blame elsewhere, which is really emotionally unhealthy.

Maybe your marriage has broken down and it has no love and you have a chance for "love" with this new woman but it would be fairer if you'd left your wife for the right reasons - to make a life on your own - rather than feeling like some young hottie is going to be the answer for you.

She might well be. You get a fresh start. You get someone young. Someone independent. someone without the history or the decade of negative memories but I hope in fairness to your stbxw that you can sit down and think about what role you might have played in having been so unhappy for so long.

I am always a little sceptical of all these men who believe some woman who happens to be 10 or 20 years younger, and invariably happens to be "stunning" is somehow a better, nicer, more loving, more compatable person than their wife. Truth is probably that most of the time what makes them so appealing is the very fact that they are NOT your wife and when envisaging yourself with the new woman, you become a new man.

What I am saing is that men can often erase a life like an etch a sketch, and it is laregly due to the fact that they reach middle age and feel unhappy with things. They have spent so long not fixing what they have that they have lost the love they once had for their existing wife.

Having the young hottie at the office that all the men fancy might seem really amazing right now - but to be she won't ever be as amazing as the person who spent 15 years raising your fmaily with you, and that is a very sad thing to give up and to lose. It;s so easy to re-write history when it suits us to do so.

We are only human...but it pains me to hear all the blame in your posts. I am not trying to have a go at you, but maybe think about how she might feel as well. you might not love her anymore, but you married her and ultimately, shagging or not you utterly betrayed her.

Great post britney.

Well said britney I too took issue with the fact he seems to blame the ex wife for absolutely everything even getting pregnant. He describes her as a horrible shrew, unfortunately I AM coming at it from personal experience and know that the ex is going through a lot of pain right now and will probably be very angry with him when he tries to pass off the OW as a new girlfriend

The world has changed around you. Nowadays you can leave her and still have a relationship with your children. Talk to lawyer, do the math. Your stbxw will be horrible so prepare. Leave. It will be hard, Do it.

good post britneyspear. I wasn't left for an OW either but what also pains me is to hear a man consider the mother of his children just another mouth to feed, but, a lazy one!?? I left my x. But he had put pressure on me to give up my job! Because I didn't earn enough to make it worth while after paying out childcare. So he relegated my job to just purely cash in / cash out. Then, later, when (doh!) I couldn't get back in to the work place, he held it against me, even though it was he that had push for me to leave it because at that point, he was better off having me do all the childcare and all the house work of course! He then labelled me lazy too! I was a liability to him. A 'cost'. I'd given up years of my life raisin our children, his children, damaged my chances of ever having a good salary again it felt like and he just looked at me like I was a Cost. He still left the house whenever he liked though, secure in the knowledge that the children were cared for, certain that dinner would appear, the laundry would be done..

It began to revolt me. His lack of responsibility for everything began to revolt me.

Yes, there's nothing worse than somene resenting you for a situation they assisted in creating.

It amazes me how men can just walk off to a new life.

Having a SAHW is often why - if you shared the child care how could you move on to someone else just like that as you'd be taking the DCs with you on your days.

The DWs should ensure that some childcare responsibilities/overnights are moved immediately to the leaver so that they then CAN look for work. Not let the leaver set up a new life then fit the DCs in around it.

yes scoobydoo8, I often read posts where the recently dumped wife is so reluctant to let go of the children as she feels like she's been written out of her own life, re-cast! But if at all possible, formalise the access so that you have days you know you can work, and evenings you know you are free to go out.

This logic is hard at the time I know though as it involves overriding the pain...

"Sorry. Having my children made you fat, old, dependent on me, tired and boring. Therefore keep the kids and the house while I go off and pretend to be 25 again"

Sorry if it sounds judgemental OP but we read these stories on here day in, day out

Also just to say...if mums did not love their kids as much as they do it would be bloody interesting to see how long shiny new OW would stick around if she had them 24/7 and took on the wife's role instead of just getting the free and easy bits.

It's made oh so easy really for men to walk away from their wife. But they are also walking away from their children and the life they built.

It's sad and quite telling that men jump out of this right into the arms of the young office hottie.

I'd have far more respect for a man if he had the CoJones to tell his wife the love was gone and make a commitment not to date anyone for a year. Move into his own place and take on 50% responsibility for his children. ..or 100% if the wife was not working to give her and the kids the chance to adjust to and build their own new life. Then meet someone else.

Jumping right onto it with someone 10 years younger and glorifying the OW for posessing all the qualities you helped to create is immensely entitled and selfish in my view. It's almost like the woman's very existence is there for your gratification and when a better offer comes along its all about your right to happiness and "love".

In point of fact, falling in love has fuck all to do with real love. It's to do with fantasy, sex, affection and that wonderful joyful feeling.

Real love is earned and grown and built through loyalty and shared experience.

Yet it's become disposable