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Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
tilliebob · 08/03/2015 19:40

Good. Glad he's gone. Have you established some ground rules with him re coming into the house/which evenings he can see kids etc? Did you call him out on lying about his Dad coming tonight?

AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 19:42

Rinse and repeat

Rinse and repeat

He will be back. Invading your space, touching you up, using the dc to manipulate you.

Nothing has changed.

Meerka · 08/03/2015 19:42

Toast keep that anger. Keep it and use it.

Don't back down.

And tomorrow, please get those bolts for the doors and fit them, or ask a friend to.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 19:44

Oh it has changed. I said I'm putting the house on the market at the end of the month. He asked for six months!

he admitted that if I did let him back he probably would have no respect for me! I knew that but to hear him admit it. Besides the DC don't want him back so it doesn't matter what he does/says. They don't even look up when he leaves.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 19:48

have you told him he no longer has access to the kids in your house ? Did you call him out on the lying about his dad coming to visit ? Have you changed the access visits with your youngest to once every other weekend/weekday evening out of your house and said the elder ones can make their own arrangements with him and that if they decide they don't want to attend they don't have to ?

otherwise nothing has changed

it could take years to sell your house

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 19:51

Yes I said that about the eldest DC. And he will take them out for tea this Tuesday and then attend parents eve at school with me on Thurs eve. No putting them to bed.

And it probably won't take years, I've had two people ask if I'm selling already! My problem will be finding something as there's nothing locally around at moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 19:52

I didn't call him on his lying because what's the point? He's lied lots of times in the past, add it to the list of things I don't like about him.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 19:54

you have all the answers for us

for him ? not so much

bedelia · 08/03/2015 19:57

Good for you Toast Grin

Having a look around at other properties will do loads to help you feel better. You'll begin to visualise you and your DCs in a new, peaceful home that he need never taint with his presence Smile

currentnameinuse · 08/03/2015 19:57

So you have told him he isn't allowed to come over any more - and he has agreed to that?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 20:05

He begged to be allowed to see them. I said he can at his dad's.

He got upset about the fact they aren't missing him. I said that's his fault.

OP posts:
AlternativeTentacles · 08/03/2015 20:12

You could rent for 6 months whilst you sort things out Toast.

Well done, and get those locks changed tomorrow!

NettleTea · 08/03/2015 20:20

Well done, now let's keep the momentum going now the fire is in your belly.
Follow this up now with an email that clearly sets out what's going to happen.
No more coming in the house - he can collect from doorstep and drop to doorstep.
No more touching you WHATSOEVER
No more phone calls or contact unless it's about seeing the kids.
House going on market end of week and divorce proceeding.
Point out that it's against his own interests to default on mortgage and won't look good in court.
Find out how much CSA would be and suggests that, in the interim, he puts something like that into your account each month.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 20:20

So he isn't coming in your house again.

Right ?

Lweji · 08/03/2015 20:21

Respect!

The hard part now will be to stick to the bitch mode. No going back and no concessions. No allowing him to inch back again.
Distance and written contact.

Jux · 08/03/2015 20:22

Good on you Toast!

If he ever suggests having dinner with his dad at yours again, you know to phone his dad yourself, pick him up and bring him over yourself, while ex cooks. But it's never going to happen again anyway, is it Grin, though if you get on with the dad, and the children like him, then you could have him over for dinner on his own, couldn't you Wink

NettleTea · 08/03/2015 20:23

And say that if he doesn't respect you and follow these rules then you have no qualms at all about telling everyone the real reasons you do not want to be married to him any more, and will report him for harrassment. And as he has admitted to much of it in front of a witness, if he STILL doesn't stick by the rules then you will report him to the police for raping you.

Because I really think he needs to have 'normal' spelt out to him so that there can be no doubt as to what ou mean.

Then this will all need to be repeated by a solicitor, with maybe a more thought out financial arrangement until its all sorted.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 08/03/2015 20:24

www.locksmiths.co.uk

RandomMess · 08/03/2015 20:26

Go girl!!! Bloody shame it was yet more unwanted advances that has helped you flick the switch

KOKO I think you have found your balls of steel.

Meerka · 08/03/2015 20:32

Yes, his dad can come over but it'd be better if he doesn't. Much better.

Are you seeing an estate agent this week then?

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 20:33

It was the touching that did it. When we saw the counsellor he said he would never touch me again as he had scared me so much. But he was getting more brazen about it. His reason was that he missed me too much. Which was frankly scary.

There are a few bits that need to be done to the house. I need to decide whether to let him do them and take the DC away while he does so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 20:35

I had the house valued in October the agent is a friend of mine and is poised to put it on as soon as I give the nod. The details are done she will just need to take photos.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 20:35

No. Get an outside contractor to do the bits on the house.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2015 20:36

Random
……..ovaries of steel.

FTFY

Well done, Toast. Keep the fire going!

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 20:36

Which will cost a fortune. As opposed to him doing it for free. Galling to spend money like that but I guess he's now left me no choice.

OP posts:
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