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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 09/03/2015 08:46

Text it with the instruction to acknowledge receipt or you will send it as an email to his work email address

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 09/03/2015 09:18

Ooh, do what Gnomedeplume said.

NettleTea · 09/03/2015 09:38

love the way you roll Gnomedeplume !!!

Thumbwitch · 09/03/2015 10:16

Toast - you do need to send him a written instruction. A letter will do perfectly well, obviously you need to keep a copy of it though. Letter, hand delivered or by Royal Mail, doesn't matter. Doesn't need to be via solicitor (keep the costs down) but it DOES need to be CLEAR and TO THE POINT that you will no longer tolerate his behaviour and intrusions.

I don't think you should follow Gnome's suggestion, wonderful though it is, as it has undertones of "sinking to his level" - and you are better than that. But you still need to get it in writing and make sure he gets it.

He needs to get a private email address or know that his secretary is going to find out all sorts of stuff about his private life, as solicitors are quite fond of emails these days as well. I think you should suggest he does this as a matter of urgency. :)

Lweji · 09/03/2015 10:46

Even to work, you can put it on an attachment, marked as for your eyes only.
If his secretary reads it, tough.

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 09/03/2015 11:00

Hmm.... still love Gnomedeplume's idea but it will be less faff to do as Lweji suggests, because then you don't have to type on your phone but on a computer instead, which i personally find easier.

MonstrousRatbag · 09/03/2015 11:51

It would be a good idea to include in any message you send the request that he provide a private emaila ddress for you to use. He may or he may not, but if he doesn't he can hardly complain if you then start using the work address.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2015 16:00

I'd suggest a letter with 'return receipt' or whatever the UK equivalent is. Doesn't have to be through the solicitor as 'technically' it wouldn't have any more legal force that way so why spend the ££. But I do think that putting everything down on paper so there are no 'misunderstandings' is an excellent idea.

I also second the idea of telling him that he MUST get a new, private email account or that you will 'have to' start using the work one for child-related matters. It may not be a bad idea for you to use a dedicated email, too. Keeping everything to do with him separate from your everyday life. You will be able to choose when you look at that inbox and not see his emails all mixed up with your usual ones.

Jux · 09/03/2015 17:27

You could just make a folder in your normal inbox (call it Bullshit or something) and have all stuff from him go straight into it, marked as read if you like. You still won't have to even look at it until you want to, or maybe you could ask a good friend to look atit first, and just give you a synopsis of the important stuff (there won't be much, most of it will almost certainly be irrelevant posturing).

You can do similar with your phone. Get a payg and use it exclusively for him. Send him a text saying yr number'schanged and this is the new one.then don't put the sim in your phone except once a week.

It will be fun spare you a lot of angst and save you much time and effort.

tribpot · 09/03/2015 19:30

Surely his secretary doesn't read anything marked 'Private and Confidential', esp if it comes from his wife. If she does - well, that's his look-out. I'm quite certain he has a private email address and isn't sharing it with you so that an avenue of communication is cut off.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 09/03/2015 19:46

I have an appointment with another solicitor tomorrow and will ask him about contact. I've had one phone call from him today which was very respectful, no crying thankfully. Just confirming the arrangements for tomorrow.

I do know his secretary reads all of his emails. A few years ago when I was making an effort I sent a vaguely naughty one to him and he took great delight in telling me how she had read it and found it very amusing. Mortifying.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/03/2015 19:51

Have the letter ready and hand it over tomorrow in an envelope. I would request an email address for him as future contact will be arranged via email only. It will then be his choice if he insists he uses his work one.

See this as a way of taking control of the situation which is what you need to do.

I hope you're feeling better today his behaviour yesterday was so out of order and shows his true colours yet again.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2015 19:59

You may want to consider also asking about how to prevent his 'unauthorized entries' into your home whether you are there or not. Or someone much more knowledgeable about UK laws hopefully will let you know here whether it's better NOT to ask questions, just do what you want and plead ignorance.

Or he TOLD you she'd read it just to embarrass you. At any rate, he is her boss and he can certainly tell her that she is NOT to open emails from you under any circumstances. This is just another way to control you or stop you from 'telling him what to do'.

Lweji · 09/03/2015 22:08

Definitely.
If you send him an email with an attachment and are clear in the mail that the letter attached is for him and only him to read, then if she reads it, it's a problem between him and her.

Jux · 09/03/2015 22:11

So deapite your embarrassment at is secretary having read a private email from you to him, he still didn't sort out a private address to contact him on. Well then, dear Toast, I wouldn't worry at all about how he may feel about his secretary reading any email you send him now.

So please, please, very pretty please with sugar and stuff, send him a very straightforward email enumerating contact arrangements, no entry to the house, how he is to address you etc. and send it to his work email. First thing in the morning. Please Smile

GallicCunt · 09/03/2015 22:27

What Jux said :) Please from me, too!

Meerka · 09/03/2015 22:43

Please too!

golikethis · 10/03/2015 00:41

Best of luck with new solicitor, toast.

Off topic a bit: It is clear that, unlike your mother, you would never put your children in harm's way. But given how abhorrent your H has revealed his attitudes/behaviour to be, I just wonder if your DDs ultimately would be better off with supervised visits with him. There were ideas upthread as to how to bring this about. Apologies if this unhelpful--presumably you've no concerns about sexual abuse of your DDs (EA 'only'). But can he be trusted on any level?

Jux · 10/03/2015 16:54

Hope the solicitor was helpful, Toast.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 10/03/2015 17:28

Had to cancel that solicitor. Found out he's the one doing a friends divorce case and it's an utter hash up. Her DH is very similar to mine and the solicitor doesn't seem able to handle him.

Thankfully I have a recommendation for another one and will go next week, she was booked up until then.

Fingers crossed this evening goes well.

OP posts:
tribpot · 10/03/2015 17:34

Best of luck on keeping him out - hasn't he been round to pick them up yet? Remember he will try and get inside when he's bringing them back, I'd suggest standing by the door and then simply saying "great, see you Thursday" and shutting it. Regardless of what fuss you think he might cause - there's always going to be some as you start to reclaim your territory.

NettleTea · 10/03/2015 19:06

hope tonight went well and you have kept him out

CarbeDiem · 10/03/2015 19:30

Glad you found out about the solicitor before going - you need a one that knows what they're doing handling special breeds of bastard.

Hope this evening went well.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 10/03/2015 20:13

Didn't go as I hoped. Over tea time discussions with DC they made it pretty clear they didn't want to go out. Eldest wanted to do her homework and the other two wanted to watch tv. None of them wanted to sit in McDonalds for an hour and youngest wanted him to put her to bed.

I'm sorry if I let you all down but I went out for an hour and half and left them to it. Came back and he had put youngest to bed and then he went. No discussion other than necessities.

I'm not proud for giving in but also I don't see what alternative was this evening. They wanted to see him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 10/03/2015 20:14

He had texted earlier to say he wouldn't be home to take them for dinner but would be here at 6.

OP posts:
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