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Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
popalot · 08/03/2015 16:50

If he refuses to leave, call his dad and tell him to come and get him.

popalot · 08/03/2015 16:50

and change the locks immediately.

GallicIsCharlie · 08/03/2015 16:51

Great. So he's conned you, using his father as vehicle, marched all over your kitchen and your body, instructed you to leave the house and you have followed his directions.

Oh, god, Toast, you have got to override your habit of doing whatever he wants! Try this - very basic, but it worked for me - remember nobody has to reply to anything instantly (unless they're in the Army.) Make him wait ten seconds. Use that count of 10 to steady your breathing, feel your feet planted on the ground, and find your strength. Then use your calm & strong angry voice to speak the truth. Use the word "No."

Do you think your 8-year-old has been antsy due to nerves about this evening?

bedelia · 08/03/2015 16:54

Good for you Toast. If it were me I'd go back with an empty McDonalds bag in hand and announce "I don't want any dinner thanks, have already eaten!" ;)

Pity H can't see (or rather doesn't want to) that your youngest is acting out due to anxiety about the current situation.

Don't let him see you cry. Men like him use this as an opportunity to provide "comfort" (manipulative) and try to be your "white knight", consoling that "this will all get better if you just let me back".

Yet he is the one making you feel this way Hmm

He's a big boy now. Do what's right for you and the DCs, let him look after himself. I guarantee there won't be nearly as much tears or grief once you are not there to be his audience!

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 17:00

I didn't want him to see me cry. That's why I walked out. I know I should have been tougher but he was stroking my leg and trying to kiss me (DC on my lap) and I was nearly sick. I just needed to get away.

I really feel like a crap mother. I won't let him back though, I don't want him.

Youngest is probably antsy because he was coming, he's managed to screw up both days of my weekend now.

And I'm sitting here now feeling guilty about eating cake because I know he would take the piss out of me for being so lazy. He did three fitness classes back to back yesterday, I never do anything like that.

OP posts:
SuburbanCrofter · 08/03/2015 17:01

toast, please show your daughters what happens when a man tries to kiss you without your consent. Get this man out of your house.

currentnameinuse · 08/03/2015 17:02

If you had told him to leave he wouldn't have seen you cry. And if he is still touching you then that is assault. He must be like a dog with 2 tails atm - it is all going exactly as he wants.

Sorry but I think you need the police - get rid of him once and for all.

gamerchick · 08/03/2015 17:08

Toast I agree maybe it's time to ask for police help. This man has already forced you into sex before.. he's hit the deluded everything is as before stage and totally ignoring what you're saying.

It took one stern warning from the police to knock my ex out of this stage.. It really is an option. Please give them a ring and ask for help.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 08/03/2015 17:10

Text him and tell him that if he is not ready to leave when you get back in half hour, you will call the police and have him removed.
And follow thru if he calls your bluff.
Then change the locks and get that divorce underway.This has got to stop. If you can't find the strength, do it for your children.

AlternativeTentacles · 08/03/2015 17:11

Who cares what he does or doesn't do.

Thing is, you either have to actually do something or accept that this is how it is going to be.

What do you think you are prepared to actually do here?

Running away each time to cry isn't going to really crack this nut, is it?

clam · 08/03/2015 17:18

He can do as many fitness classes as he likes. Doesn't mean you have to do any. Stop caring what he does/thinks. With any luck he'll meet someone else there. and they can pump iron into the sunset and train happily ever after together.

(Sorry , I do know it's easier said than done).

bedelia · 08/03/2015 17:21

My ExH used to do exactly the same thing during the early days of our separation Toast. He'd zone in when my (then) youngest was sat with me, knowing how hard it would be to make a fuss in front of her, knowing it would upset her. The last time it happened, I was actually a bit sick in my mouth. He noticed, and tried to put the blame on me - "how could I feel disgusted about kissing the man I'd been married to for x-years" type thing.

After that I wouldn't allow him in the house unless someone else was there, so there'd be a witness (and a bolster for me) discouraging him from trying something like that again. But it was only after banning him from the house completely that things began to get any easier.

I learned the hard way why it's essential to change the locks...

Selks · 08/03/2015 18:14

TOAST - I am so dismayed that he feels he can maul you and grope you whenever he wants. He has NO RIGHTS over your body. You have EVERY RIGHT to tell him NEVER to touch you in ANY WAY again - no hugging, stroking, sobbing on your shoulder, attempts to kiss, NOTHING.

Please allow yourself to have your body back.

Tell him in no uncertain terms he is not to touch you or try any of those things again. Reclaiming your body and your personal space will help you feel stronger and much better psychologically. It is one of the ways he is trying to control you.

Keep up the good work - I think you are doing very well.

Katisha · 08/03/2015 18:22

Who cares about his fitness classes. Doesn't have any moral value whatsoever.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 18:29

The biggest prick I ever had the misfortune to meet was into fitness and the gym

Sorry, second biggest

AcrossthePond55 · 08/03/2015 18:30

Please, please take a deep breath. Now go home and tell him to leave. Who gives a rat's arse if he sees you cry. You were physically assaulted by him, he touched you in a sexual way when you DID NOT WANT IT. If the cable guy or washer repairman had done it, would you have left? NO!! Would you have cared if that stranger had seen you cry because you were angry? NO. He needs to get the hell out of YOUR house. NOW.

Listen, I cry when I am angry. Huge, gulping, snot-nosed, can't speak sobs. I've tried 6 ways from Sunday to change that but I just can't. Now I accept that it's part of the way I 'feel' deep emotions, including ANGER, and if the person I'm angry at sees it as a sign of weakness, that's THEIR problem, not mine. As long as I know I'm not weak, I'm damned angry, that's all that matters. As a matter of fact, he may see it more as a sign of weakness that you ran away.

And remember to keep the doors secured when you're at home. Keys in the locks, latch-chain, or slide-bolts. He should NEVER be abled to just walk in.

Meerka · 08/03/2015 18:36

toast can you try, tomorrow, to shut the door and to bolt it and not to let him in?

HelenaDove · 08/03/2015 18:45

I apologise in advance for the bad language. This arsehole is one of the biggest cunts i have ever read about in here. Shock

Please do talk to the police. And if it were me i would be telling his dad he has been used in this deception.

He does not need to be in the house AT ALL

Annarose2014 · 08/03/2015 19:15

Jesus Christ.

toast I think you're wonderful, but this is just insane. He gets to do whatever the fuck he wants.

tilliebob · 08/03/2015 19:17

Jesus Toast, time to get real. Change the locks. Call the cops/friends/relatives. Tell them what is happening. Yes you are trying to minimise things for your kids but I'm not sure what this protracted and frankly scary process is achieving. As a kid I'd be more confused that my folks have split but my dad won't go the fuck away! Oh yes, phone HIS dad too and tell him!

You twat of an ex is trying to either trying to wear you down or brainwash you into thinking his way is best. You've just escaped that-don't go back there. And his advances - you really need to stop those. Pronto. I have a friend who didn't and long story short the police got involved along with a court case. That didn't help her dcs in any shape or form. Get those bloody locks changed!!

tribpot · 08/03/2015 19:20

I'm hoping he's going to piss off soon (this evening, unfortunately I think getting shot of him long term will be harder) but the whole basis for getting him out the door at 19:30 was the presence of his dad.

Incidentally, I would invite his dad round. And tell him everything.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 19:33

He's gone.

He went about half hour ago.

I think I've made my feelings pretty plain.

He started asking me why I was so cross and tried to touch my arm. And I told him exactly what I thought of him. I think my words were along the lines of "I have been nice. And you have taken advantage of that, just like always. So now you have two choices, do things the normal way or I will get fucking nuclear and you do not want to deal with the shower of shit that will then rain down on you".

He again started crying. Begging goes other chance. Saying that he knew he had ruined the best thing I his life. I just asked him to leave. And he went.

OP posts:
currentnameinuse · 08/03/2015 19:35

When is he coming back - or have you told him he cannot come round any more?

jennyperru · 08/03/2015 19:38

Toast, he is pushing and pushing and you are doing nothing to resist. Please, for your daughters' sake if nothing else, start to push back. The poster who said he will be back living in the house is right, terrifying as that sounds.

Today he has lead you to believe his Dad would be there and you capitulated, then he changed the time and you agreed, then he turned up and suggested you went to the gym, so you did! Sorry, so so sorry, but you have to stand your ground or he will just break you down. I know your family are worse than useless but is there anyone who could help with this? Just to be there sometimes to give you some moral support?

On a more cheerful note, when you said upthread about him doing 3 fitness classes back to back I thought "Oh good, maybe he will drop dead".

jennyperru · 08/03/2015 19:39

Sorry. Cross post. Fab, Toast, well done. Stay strong.