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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The crying and the begging....

752 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 04/03/2015 00:03

Sorry can't link to previous posts but DH moved out a month ago today. After years of EA I finally saw the light. He wanted it to be temporary and I thought there was a slim chance of that.

He was distraught when he left, crying, pleading. It was torture seeing him like that.

He was like it the first two weeks even in front of the DC. Then he seemed to get better. Tonight he was much worse. Holding onto ME at the front door and crying. He even asked if he could take my jumper with him as it smelled of me and he could take it to bed with him.

I'm not sure if he's genuinely upset or if this is all a big act. He's seeing a counsellor who keeps telling him our marriage is fixable. I don't think this is helping. He's lost a lot of weight in the month, he looks ill and exhausted and I am so sad.

I don't know how to help him deal with this. The only thing he wants is for me to tell him to come back and I just can't do that.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 08/03/2015 20:38

T him do it - arrange for it to be done and then make him pay or put it on the credit card. Don't let him in the house ever again. He will use it as an excuse to drag it out for months or to move in and supervise, or to rifle through all your personal stuff.
Just TELL HIM that x and y are going to be done, but check with estate agents first, it may not make much difference in the end if it's done or not.
This weeks to do list.
Estate agent
Solicitor
Serve papers.
Find out CSA amounts

clam · 08/03/2015 20:38

No. Do not let him do the DIY. It makes you beholden to him.

"His reason was that he missed me too much." More than scary. It's the same sort of excuse he used when he raped you. All about him and his needs. He couldn't give a shit that you don't want it. As long as it makes him feel better because he's missing you.

I want to punch this guy.

NettleTea · 08/03/2015 20:40

He doesn't do it 'for free' though, does he. It's at the expense of your sanity, and you and your children's well being.
I'd rather pay for joe blogs to come round than have that arsewipe in the house.

clam · 08/03/2015 20:41

By the way, he's suggested to leave divorce proceedings for six months as he is totally confident that he will have won you round by then and will have moved back in, so you won't want to proceed by then.

YOU ARE BEING WORKED ON! All this crying and shit is part of his plan. PLEASE don't let him get away with it.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 20:41

Yes that's what scared me. That he had a right to touch me because he missed me.

OP posts:
currentnameinuse · 08/03/2015 20:43

Get his Dad to do the jobs then.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2015 20:43

it's not "free" though is it

there is a massive price to pay for still allowing him access to your life

Meerka · 08/03/2015 20:43

Do not let him anywhere near your house again.

He doesn't miss YOU. He doesn't know who you are. I suspect he just thinks it's the right thing to say, that a woman will melt if he says how wonderful she is and how much he misses her. He's pressing the button. Must be rather confused that it isn't working now.

Get those bolts or locks on the door tomorrow toast. It might be galling that you have to spend the money but it's a shit load better than being pawed by this utter creep.

clam · 08/03/2015 20:45

Which kind of negates his assurances that he now knows what he did was wrong. Because he's kind of still doing it now, albeit not as extreme.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 20:46

I know plenty of tradesmen that would happily do it. The builder we used for lots of jobs thought he was an absolute arse and every now and then I bump into him and he asks if I've left him yet! I will phone him.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/03/2015 20:50

Or don't do the bits, calculate how much it costs to do and take from the price if necessary.

Jux · 08/03/2015 20:59

Far more sensible to ask your estate agent about the jobs, and if they're worth getting done. As always, make the decision from a position of knowledge.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 21:00

I know they are worth getting done as I asked her when she was here.

In fact I'm not wholly sure I can't figure out how to do them myself..

OP posts:
clam · 08/03/2015 21:13

Toast have you read back through any of your previous threads recently? Apologies, but I just read your Sunday Roast one. If ever you need reminding how much better off you are now than when this arsehole was with you, that thread will do it.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 08/03/2015 21:14

I try not to to be honest. I worry it will make me sad. Or absolutely furious.

OP posts:
clam · 08/03/2015 21:16

I think you might need to be furious - next time he's due round. In my opinion you've been calm and nice for far too long. He's viewing it as weakness, and therefore reckons he's halfway home.

tribpot · 08/03/2015 21:46

The last thing those jobs will be is 'free'. They may not cost money if he does them but you will be paying a cost far higher than money.

The touching and its justification is chilling. I think you need to consider reporting the attack - at minimum you need to advise your solicitor (you're seeing a different one tomorrow?) even if you can't bring yourself to say the word out loud. Lay the groundwork now in case you need to take measures later to keep him away.

Have you now stated that all contact with the children will take place outside your house? I think you have but it's not clear if you meant specifically in the coming week or in general.

Thumbwitch · 08/03/2015 21:52

Definitely phone sympathetic builder, do NOT let your wankstain H near the place.

  1. if he doesn't want to sell, he could do a fucking awful bodge job and reduce the value/ delay the saleability OR just take fucking forever to do the simplest things
  2. he will be alone in yours and the DC's home again

Not worth it

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 08/03/2015 22:14

I'm glad you're planning to phone a builder toast - this is that great thing, a horrible situation that can be completely circumvented by the judicious application of money. For the love of God do not let your H do these jobs FOR ANY REASON.

Sorry to shout but it is painfully clear from an outsider perspective.

Thumbwitch · 08/03/2015 22:20

Sorry had to post and run - just to say, that unwanted "intimacy" or attempts thereat still constitutes (sexual) assault, as I understand it - he completely took advantage of the fact you had the youngest child on your lap and were therefore "trapped" - he hasn't learnt a thing! He's still assaulting you as though he has every right to.

I do hope your anger has flared up a lot more over this latest round of abuse.

FantasticButtocks · 08/03/2015 22:28

Now is the time to send him the email, now while your fury is still fresh.

H,
Because of your behaviour recently in my home, as well as the lies you have told and the fact you seem to think you are entitled to touch me and use inappropriate terms when speaking to me, I have decided to call a halt to allowing you into the house. I believe your behaviour is detrimental to the children's welfare as well as my own.

From now on, the contact arrangements will be

Communication between us will be by email or text, and exclusively about the dcs. I will not answer any calls from you. Any other issues can be dealt with by our solicitors.

You will no longer come into the house, and if you do, i will be contacting the police and giving them the full story of your abuse.

Toast

Jux · 09/03/2015 08:25

Good email, FantasticButtocks.

Toast, you do need to be very forceful and explicit with him.

Original poster
Toastandstrawberryjam · 09/03/2015 08:38

I can't email him. The only email I have is his work one which his secretary reads first. I'm not opening up a can of worms by sending that there. It's a perfect email to send if I could though.

OP posts:
NettleTea · 09/03/2015 08:40

Text it to him instead. It will be a written record, even if he deletes his copy. it makes your position clear and if he continues to overstep the boundaries it actually proves you have told him if you need to call the police.

NettleTea · 09/03/2015 08:41

It would be even better in a letter delivered by your solicitor, but as you are not quite at that point. The problem being is he doesnt hear or listen or respect your voice/request. Sometimes you need someone with MORE power than him to speak for you. This is where solicitors are very very helpful

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