I'm exhausted from the constant snapping, rudeness and lack of appreciation. How do I make it better?

[RainOnTheTent]

There are two of my husband. He lives for weeks, sometimes a month or so as one person and then a switch flicks and he becomes the other for a similar amount of time.

Husband one is ok and I love him to bits. The kids adore him and he can be brilliant with them but husband two is vile.

Husband two is rude, snappy and aggressive (in manner and tone) to me and the DCs. Rarely says thank you, rarely concentrates on us, what we are doing or planning or gives us his undivided attention. He huffs loudly at complete strangers for doing minor things like inadvertently stepping in his path. Raises his arms in a gesture of "what the fuck" rather than one of "would you mind moving please" if a car or cyclists have blocked his way or done something without thinking. Flies off the handle with snapped responses with no need always taking things the wrong (negative) way. He never acknowledges the contribuion I make. Acts like he hates or disagrees with the very air that I breathe. He tells the DCs off for poor behaviour yet he models the most awful example. Muttering "Jesus Christ" loudly and clearly at the slightest thing that annoys him or constantly looking at his phone even when we are having some family time.

I just want a loving pair of arms round me (in addition to those of my children) and a heart felt compliment and a kind word or two every now and again.

When he chooses to be husband one all will be well but we have no say as to when that will be. Husband two has been here for many weeks and I am on my knees. Please be kind as I'm not up to harsh replies.

Having bipolar does NOT mean you behave like a twat to your wife.

Why are people still making excuses for this man?

geeky so what if he is?
It's not the why that matters. It's the what.
What he does in unacceptable regardless of why he does it.

If he is bp it is up to him to do something about it.

I've never seen so many excuses for twatty behaviour on one thread

Nothing you've written says bipolar to me. Coming from the position of someone who actually has bipolar.

There aren't two husbands here. There's one husband who spends a good chunk of his time being an absolute twat to you and your children.

He sounds exhausting and you don't deserve to be treated like this. No excuses.

Hear hear Keema

Thank you for all the PMs and the posts on the thread. I had to sleep last night I sas just so so tired. I need to get up now to get ready for school and work but I will reply properly. He has not left and is being civil and going through thr motions of being nice (which is a relief) but no warmth in it. Must dash.....
x

What do you get out of this relationship now raininatent?. What needs of yours get met here by him?.

I can see what your H gets out of this all too clearly; a confused and compliant woman for him to mess around with her mind. This to him is about power and control; he wants absolute over you and your children (and yes he is abusing them emotionally as well).

Look at his parents OP: what are they like?. Similar to how your H is now probably; he has learnt this from somewhere (most likely them) and such men do not change. The man you fell for is and was an act which he can no longer keep going so it will not return. What you are seeing now is the real him, this is the real him. All his comments to you are chilling; he is taking no responsibility at all for his actions here.

ALL your words OP are precisely what a woman in an abusive relationship would write even down to his depressive behaviours. You are in an abusive relationship and your children are now growing up thinking that this is how people behave within relationships. Some abusive men as well use depression as an excuse to further behave like an arse.

Going forward your children will likely leave home asap because they cannot abide it there any more. They see how you are treated by him and wonder of you why you stayed and put him before them. Their own adult relationships will themselves be problematic because no-one ever showed them what an emotionally healthy relationship actually is. As for visiting you at home; well you can forget all about that as well because they won't want to see either of you.

Womens Aid are an organisation I would urge you to have a chat with now.

Protecting you has to come first, especially if the situation feels menacing. It’s time to get out, no matter how painful or unthinkable that action must be. As my friend also discovered, it is only when you are fully out will you come to realise the full onslaught of the private war he launched against you. He will take you years to recover from.

I don't think it helps to demonize someone and to demonize your relationship. It makes it so much easier when you do that to think - oh it was all in my imagination - I'm exaggerating. You have been married to someone for many many years. He is the father of your children. But You are free to leave. You have already shown you are ready to call time on this "way of life". People get divorced for many many reasons usually because they make each other unhappy.

Surely you can just say - this is not working. He makes me unhappy and I need to leave (or he needs to leave - preferably that). This is a troubled man who is affecting all around him. I have done my best to support him in his difficulties and I need to protect myself and my self esteem and more importantly my children's self esteem - because how I am treated affects them.

Sorry not read the whole thread. He sounds like a friend of mine, female though.
Until he recognises the effect his behaviours having on the family he won't change, we all feel like crap sometimes but don't act out on it esspecially as this may upset others. He soundsi like he needs to learn some self control. Possibly see his gp.
My friend was driving people away, partners, friends, family and I was quite blunt with her and she was ending up very lonely and acting hard done by. I've told her sometimes it was embarrassing and she would think before she acted out. 9 times of of 10 her behaviour was completely unnecessary.
I hope your dh listens to you.

Hi Rain,

I recognised much in your OP. And I feel for you, desperately wanting Husband One to come back. That was me a few years ago. That's all I wanted. And he didn't come back. I spent many tearful months asking myself 'where oh where' was the old DH? And 'what have I done?' and, just like you, 'What can I do to make the old DH come back?'.

The answer is a depressing one: Nothing. I tried everything I could think of and there is nothing you can do. After all, you are not causing this.

In my case it became clear to me he was abusive. I ended up like a kicked dog, and nothing I did was ok. Nothing made him happy. We had two very young dcs. We are now divorced.

It became increasingly clear (as the pendulum swung so far that he was being Mr Nasty 90% of the time) that Husband One was never coming home, which was a source of total grief for me. I'm so sorry you are going through it too. Unfortunately I agree with most of the other posters - that Husband Two is your husband.

The blame thing is huge. You find it hard to come to terms with the idea that you are to blame for everything that goes wrong. All his comments to you suggest that he has no love or respect for you. They are all nasty, uncaring, self-justifying and mean. He is bullying you - either to shut up, to confuse you or to get you dancing on the tin-tacks that he has laid out for you.

I used to get this. 'You just disagree with me', 'You just want what you want' 'You're lazy and selfish','There wouldn't be an argument if you didn't disagree with me', 'You don't care about your children, all you care about is your friends and your next cup of coffee.' Hurtful, vicious, vile stuff. And he was never sorry. When challenged, he was always right - blame the victim all the way. 'You provoke me', 'You always make me angry'.

The most shocking thing is that he is so hard. His comments have no feeling for you, no affection. No sense that he is sad about how miserable you are. No, you are the problem. This is totally the wrong way round. If you are miserable, then he should be concerned, not bullying you for being miserable. Does he ever ask himself how he can make your life happier? 'What can I do to make Rain feel good?'

I don't want to project my stuff too far on to you, but it is hard not to because just the words he uses are so close to the kind of bullying bullshit my XH came out with to justify unjustifiable behaviour. But, my XH created a hostile environment for me and the children. It was horrible. I was desperate to have a warm and happy family life, but my home became a fearful, tense and vengeful place.

To cap it all, almost inexplicably, I was very ashamed that I had landed myself in this situation. I was ashamed to tell my family, ashamed to land myself on my friends. But in the end it couldn't be avoided as I was a miserable, crying, stammering wreck trying to pretend I wasn't. When I told people how awful things were, EVERYONE, was supportive and understanding. And EVERYONE wanted to support me to get him out of my life. NOBODY said, 'you should stay together for the children's sake' - quite the opposite. Even my mother said 'you have to get out of this'. She could see I was sinking fast.

It's not your fault Rain. You sound fab.

Hi Rain, just one thought for you (I have been where you are now with my exH - we are now divorced and thanks heavens for it) - this was the thought which was the final straw for me after he had been EA for years and my whole household revolved around his moods and petty dramas and infidelities.

Do you believe that being with someone in a relationship should enrich your life or make it worse?

If your relationship falls short of enrichment, (and it sounds as if it does) then it's time to split. End of. No need for further debate or justification. You only have one life. Value yourself and your DC. Because he doesn't.

I suggest you don't discuss things with him any more. Withdraw and go and see a solicitor to get legal advice without telling him. After that you can start to make sensible plans in the light of all the facts.

It didn't last long. He flared right up before he went to work this morning. He yelled at me and called me controlling for putting the heating on as he left for work (because I was cold) when he had previously said HE was warm enough. Because he said it was fine as it was I should have left it but "oh no, you have to be controlling don't you... Rant rant." I was to be in the house for another hour after he left.

I'm too tired to write much. But I have read all your posts. Thank you. I'd love to just show him this thread. He'd find a million reasons why you were all wrong to agree with me!

Please don't show him this thread. I for one have shared some very personal stuff on here. Don't give him the opportunity to rusbbish it in front of you. This place should be saved as your support, not just another stick to beat you with.

Never, ever, show him this thread.

And I do hope you put the heating back on after the arsehole he'd left. What a fucking bully :(

Again, all about him - he's fine and sod everyone else, and, again, what a stupid, petty thing to rant and rave about, and, again, accuses you of being controlling when he is the one controlling what you do. Of course this will somehow be your fault because he can't possibly be the one with the problem, can he?

He even wants to control what you do when he is not even in the house.

He's the very model of a tyrannical dictator, in your shoes I would just put an end to this dysfunctional relationship, it's beyond repair, there is no respect and you will never look at him in the same light again.

Agree - don't show him this thread.

I think it is time to find a solicitor, and quietly go about gathering documents and financial information. You have to prepare yourself for him to get very, very nasty if you decide to divorce him. Don't let that possibility put you off divorcing him (I think you need to for your own health and sanity, as well as that of your dcs) - he just won't be bothered trying to show you any 'Husband One' behaviour and will completely morph into the other one.

If you shop around for solicitors, do find one you think would be able to be a rottweiler if you needed it. My solicitor was very calm, experienced and determined, but I don't think even she anticipated what an abusive and hostile and controlling shit he would be. For her, my XH was extreme. Mine was obstructive, aggressive and spiked agreements at the last minute, which meant my divorce took more than three painful years to achieve.

Any divorce solicitor worth her/his salt will always try to avoid going to court as it is emotionally nasty and expensive. After three years though, my solicitor agreed that it would have been cheaper and quicker, although just as nasty, to have gone straight to court! Get one who has seen all this stuff before. Ask if she has dealt with cases involving abusive men.

Separation is a good idea. I did the classic 'Make-him-think-he-thought-of-it' manoevre as I knew that if I suggested it straight, he would resist emphaticially purely because it would signal what I wanted. I was afraid, by the end of our time living together, to signal anything that I wanted because he would make it his mission to spoil my plans.

p.s. Your H seems to have adopted the word 'controlling' as if he is your victim. It's ironic how he has annexed the 'therapeutic' lingo as another way of trying to turn the tables on you. Bloody hell - yes you are controlling, you're controlling the central bloody heating! That does not equate to 'controlling' behaviour! Oooh he's a manipulative fucker!

I should add that this might all look a bit extreme from you. Sorry if I'm coming across all nuclear. In a few pages of your thread, it's gone from 'How do I make it better' to a chorus of LTB - at least from me. Yikes.

This may all feel far too fast for you. It is hard adjusting to the idea that a) he is abusive b) that Husband One is not coming back and c) that he is likely to get worse. Given that, I am sure me starting to go on about divorce might be a bit of a shock.

None of these things are easy to contemplate. Take your time to absorb what is really going on. You sound pretty sorted and seem to have decent boundaries even though he is doing his best to erode them. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

sorry - I meant 'extreme for you'

As crazy as it sounds, the heating thing for me is the worst thing so far, because theres no other way to spin it than "you are not a real person to me. I am the only real person, all things are measured against me. I am not cold and will not be in the house, and you couldnt possibly have your own feelings or needs so you must be putting the heating on purely to annoy me, the only real human here".
That is a bad sign, a really really bad sign. Not only is he not considering your wants or needs, he actually doesnt even really believe they exist.

I think your H sounds like an aggressive pig. I was in my local shop the other day and accidentally brushed against a man like this. He went on about it in an atmosphere of barely suppressed rage even after I had apologised twice. He had a mortified child with him. People in the queue were throwing me pitying or supportive looks, and I didn't challenge him in case he assaulted me. Which he was definitely capable of.

I remember thinking in that queue that his wife must have a terrible time, and it will only get worse.

Please don't stay with a man like this.

I find the heating thing disturbing too.

What's it to him if you want to be warm after he goes out?

Why would how warm HE feels bear any relationship to how warm YOU feel?

Why does turning the heating on warrant yelling and accusations of controlling behaviour?

• It's just heating!

I think storm is right in what she says. You're not a real person to him.

I know a disabled pensioner who, when her husband is away, is left with no heating on, and insufficient food in the house. Don't be that lady. ( And of course, there's worse; there always is...)

I really must thank you for your messages. I am sorry for not replying acknowledging your contributions by name. Not easy to scroll back and forth on my phone. BUT please accept this as a petsonal note of thanks. The depth of your understanding has been an incredible source of strength for me this week. You understand his behaviour and my feelings including those feelings that mean LTB overnight is not that easy a giant leap to make.

He's not managing to keep up even a vague impression of Husband One. Literally can't make it through 24 hours. It's never been as bad as recently and now. The sarcasm and criticism is shocking. Usually I would repeatly forgive and smooth things over. BUT I have stood my ground much better. I think (well I know) this is because you have all explained to me what emotionally abusive behaviour looks and sounds like. The fact you have been able to use my real life, current examples to demonstrate your point makes it even clearer and easier for me to understand.

In the calmest of moments I tried to broach the subject with him today. We were in Starbucks without children and were talking about whether to book a hotel for us all when we go to a show we have tickets for in London next month. . I said I was worried to book in case he flared up and the whole thing was ruined and money therefore wasted. He tried again to say it was not all down to him and I was to blame for being controlling. I used your explanations about everything making him behave like that. Cyclists, cars, me, the children and again he denied that being down to him. Said he only got cross with these things when they were to blame! I said that he cannot just keep being so aggresive & have such extreme reactions everytime the world doesn't dance to his tune. At which he raised his eyes and said "huh that's rich coming from you who wants everything your way." He then said "and typically you haven't even noticed that I have stopped saying Jesus Christ and now say Good Grief after you went on and on that that was setting a bad example to the DCs." I said but the tone and the manner are just the same. You still fly off the handle. He said he didn't do that. He said we should leave so rather than protest and try to make peace as I usually would, I said ok. We left Starbucks in silence.

Half way on our journey back from town I said we can't go on like this. We are going to have to separate to which he said "well, we will if you can't accept its not all my fault".

We arrived home. He pushed & pushed to make me respond/argue. I kept calm and strong, refusing to be drawn in. He continued to rant. I then used the heating example that you had so eloquently broken down to demonstrate why that was NOT me being controlling but him being wholy unreasonable. I used your explanations almost word for word and did a very good job of making my point. I said also we just cannot carry on like this and as it wasn't getting better we had to separate. He told me I had to leave not him as I was no good at cooking (true) and would be useless at looking after the children (very untrue). He stormed out at the end of that. Told me I needed to collect the younger 2 DCs as he was clearly a danger to them (or something like that I forget the exact words.)

He's now gone to collect his parcel from the post office which is right by school. BUT I am to collect DC2 & DC3

I honestly think he believes himself. He is SO sure he's not doing anything wrong or untoward. I wish he'd seek help but if he can't see it then how would he ever believe he needs help? He's convinced he is fine but he's a rude, arrogant supercilious, unkind, thoughtless idiot at the moment.

Hi Rain,

Everything will ALWAYS be everyone else's fault, at least until it becomes clear a split is imminent and all of a sudden he will be contrite and other Husband One qualities.

IME anyway.

Great thing to remember is, sadly, you're not the first to go through this and you won't be the last.

I love what a pp said about a relationship enriching your life. Ex H did the opposite, hence the ex .

I wish he'd seek help but if he can't see it then how would he ever believe he needs help? He's convinced he is fine

That is a very astute observation.
It is also why he will never change and be "Husband One".

Well done Rain. You absolutely know now that this is not a communication problem. It's an arshole problem.