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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thoughts on this fuck buddy?

359 replies

DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 09:19

I have a work-colleague FB that I've been sleeping with for a few weeks now (once a week). On one hand he obeys the fuck-buddy 'rules' with regard to intimacy (no romantic texts, sometimes will go for days without contact, says I can have sex with other people, etc) yet on the other hand he does the following: holds my hand - fingers entwined (always initiated by him), chivalrous acts like holding doors open, paying for all drinks and meals, paying me compliments, helping me with things, regular texts.

I'm confused by these mixed-signals, and - I confess - I'm new to this FB lark.

What on earth is the deal here?

OP posts:
goodasitgets · 28/02/2015 17:53

He apologised, said he didn't have a clue and was generally lovely about it. That was it really, I held on to it for so many years and eventually said it in a text. He had said something and I replied "you have no idea how hard it is to love someone for so long"

WildFlowerWoman · 28/02/2015 17:55

Oops, didn't read the whole thread but some people seem to be suggesting that you are married. If you are married, you should forget this guy and try and sort out your problems at home.

Milllli · 28/02/2015 18:00

Wild The OP has told us she is married.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 28/02/2015 18:00

goodas I'm glad he was kind about it. Very brave of you.

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 18:01

Milllli yes he has but was in denial at first, tried to change, etc. After 10 years, I'm at peace with it now.

Sorry heartisaspade, I thought people wouldn't want to engage with me if I told them I was married. I thought they'd focus on my adultery rather on the Q at hand.

OP posts:
goodasitgets · 28/02/2015 18:03

When I told my friends I told him they were all ShockShockShockShockShockShockShockShockShock for about a week!
My diary at 17 says "must stop getting off with X" Grin

BonfireofTheVanitiesss · 28/02/2015 18:05

I get my sex from FB (who is well aware of my home situation).

OK well this is a totally different situation to the one you posited in the OP.

He's not an FB; he is a person you are having an affair with.

If he is "well aware" of your home situation, then he's obviously not going to be interested in a relationship with you because the fact you are married that is the base of the whole arrangement. You have set up a situation totally predicated on the fact you are married.

A set up like this is far more transactional than a FB relationship. It's a sexual trading situation and it is far more likely this is why he insists on paying for dinner. He is getting sex and affection and the odd date etc without any commitment or a woman agitating for marriage/babies/living together etc.

The cuddling stuff is just part of extended physical affection as I said earlier.

Why the hell did you post the OP then? It makes no sense. You don't want to leave your husband so why on earth does it matter how this man feels about you? Unless you are becoming emotionally involved with him and actually are subconsciously looking for a way out.

DH "turning a blind eye" is not the same as honesty and openness. You should have a direct conversation with your DH. Do you find him attractive? Is he really "asexual" or just not having sex with you?

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 28/02/2015 18:06

Darwinian, have you discussed open marriage with your DH? Or does he expect you to go without sex for the rest of your life?
I don't think that it's healthy for either of you for you to assume he's just turning a blind eye.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 28/02/2015 18:07

Cross posted with Bonfire but once again, agree completely.

BonfireofTheVanitiesss · 28/02/2015 18:10

Oh and

but you may as well not bother reading all the previous responses, they are about a situation that you are not in.

heart agree 100%

You have just wasted lots of well meaning people's time by making sure they only give advice on one tiny aspect of what is actually happening here.

anyfucker agree 2000%

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/02/2015 18:15

The context may have changed but the nub of the dilemma stays the same. It's meant to be no strings sex. Introduce that the OP is married and, if anything, it becomes even more imperative that it's no strings. I may be wrong but I don't the impression that the OP wants it to be anything more which is why his occasional 'boyfriend-like' actions are causing confusion.

The biggest issue to me is not the adultery or the FB status but that you both work together. I think that's a bad place to be looking.

HelenaDove · 28/02/2015 18:23

WildFlower would you have said the same if the OPs husband was gay.

Asexuality IS a sexuality just like homosexuality is a sexuality just like heterosexuality is a sexuality.

OP cant "sort out her problems at home" because her partner cannot change his sexuality no more than he could if he was gay Confused

HelenaDove · 28/02/2015 18:25

OP did your husband tell you he was asexual at the start of the relationship or try to broach the subject in any way?

BonfireofTheVanitiesss · 28/02/2015 18:31

Asexuality IS a sexuality just like homosexuality is a sexuality just like heterosexuality is a sexuality.

Well yes - but true asexuality is rare. He may very well be truly asexual - but even then the OP should have an honest conversation with him about their marriage and what he expects her to do for the remainder of their marriage - which presumably could last another 30/40/50 years.

But he may not be asexual at all. He may be homosexual and in a marriage. He maybe heterosexual and having sex with someone/others who is not the OP. He maybe heterosexual and have an apparently non-existent sex drive for medical reasons.

Either way a bit of openness and conversation about all this with the man that actually matter here - namely the father of her children and the man she chose to marry - is the priority.

HelenaDove · 28/02/2015 18:33

But he may not be asexual at all. He may be homosexual and in a marriage

IF either of these scenarios are true HE is the one who has been deceitful!

HelenaDove · 28/02/2015 18:34

I meant he has been deceitful if he has hidden his true sexuality from the OP whatever sexuality that may be.

Jaded2004 · 28/02/2015 18:46

I wanted to add to this thread to say that I have had a FB for around 18 years now. We haven't seen each other whilst in relationships with others so there have been big gaps. We both know where we stand. We don't 'date' or talk about being together as neither of us want that from the other. We cuddle and hat and say we love each other but after so long we do love each other as friends and care about each other. We rarely make contact unless it's to organise sex and all chatting etc is done before during lol or after sex. It works and I can't imagine a time when he wont be around unless of course we meet someone and have ltr. We do argue occasionally but it's over our very different outlook on the world, never about our 'relationship '

BonfireofTheVanitiesss · 28/02/2015 18:47

^IF either of these scenarios are true HE is the one who has been deceitful!
^

Blimey guvn'r. Judgmental much HelenaDove???

You haven't lived very much have you? Human sexuality is very complex. It's not unknown for people to psychologically repress their true sexuality because they don't want to face up to it. Some people take a lifetime to realise their true sexual orientation and explore it.

It absolutely does not follow he has been deceitful. Of course it may do but it's pretty outrageous and very naive to jump to that conclusion.

HelenaDove · 28/02/2015 18:55

Bonfire ive read a few articles by writers whose husband/partners have later come out as gay.

Common denominators were the fact that the partners would lash out at their wives criticising their appearance....calling them boring etc = emotional abuse.

There was a post on a thread on the feminist board a while ago where another MNer said she thought that gay men had come further in the last 50 years than women have in the last 150.

Every time ive seen or read of a case where a wife/girlfriend has been emotionally abused because their partner is suppressing their sexuality i remember that post.

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 18:55

Bonfire can you tell me what you mean by "transactional"? If it is purely sexual trading, why the paying for dinner et al?

Unless you are becoming emotionally involved with him and actually are subconsciously looking for a way out.

I'd never leave my kids, I know that. But perhaps I am getting emotionally involved with FB. Heck, after reflection, there's no perhaps about it.

You should have a direct conversation with your DH. Do you find him attractive? Is he really "asexual" or just not having sex with you?

Seriously, after 10 years, there's no question I haven't answered from well-meaning people. Is he gay? Have you tried therapy? Have you tried drugs? It's been 10 years and we've tried everything. DH is asexual. It's just the way he is. I'm DONE trying to change him (What HelenaDove said).

have you discussed open marriage with your DH? Or does he expect you to go without sex for the rest of your life?

Yes and yes.

The biggest issue to me is not the adultery or the FB status but that you both work together. I think that's a bad place to be looking.

It makes it difficult (read: awkward) to end it, not to mention painful because I'll have to keep dealing with him. No clean break.

HelenaDove - he tried to be sexual at the start. There were red flags all over the place. I ignored them because I liked his other qualities. I was v.young and even more naive than I am now.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 28/02/2015 18:59

is he older than you Darwinian?

a2011x · 28/02/2015 18:59

Seems like normal FWB kinda behaviour

Kaneda · 28/02/2015 19:28

OP's admittance of being married does change the dilemma a little, but not necessarily by that much. IMO, FB relationships are a set-up for unrequited infatuation. You're either screwing a narc / sociopath, screwing someone who is in an emotionally damaged, fragile or vulnerable state (for whatever reason that may be) or screwing someone who has temporarily opted out of the relationship thing for an entirely unpredictable length of time. The latter two imply a high risk that the intended emotional distance will not be maintained.

As there is no emotional honesty in FB relationships, it's a roll of the dice as to what the guy is. To me, OP, it sounds like you're emotionally vulnerable and so will probably fall for him if you keep going. If you're lucky, he's the same and you'll end up having a relationship. If you're unlucky, he'll turn a blind eye to your feelings and use you indefinitely - I don't buy the idea that a normal, emotionally functional human can FB someone who loves them for years and not know it.

Milllli · 28/02/2015 19:40

Darwin that seems such a difficult situation for you at home. So if your FB returned your feelings would you contemplate leaving your DH?

BonfireofTheVanitiesss · 28/02/2015 19:44

Bonfire can you tell me what you mean by "transactional"? If it is purely sexual trading, why the paying for dinner et al?

Paying for sex basically. The trade in his eyes is you provide him with sex and in return he pays for dinner.

I know there are exceptions but broadly speaking because of social conditioning and mores, men have to work (or pay) for sex and women withhold it. Generally a woman, any woman, no matter how unattractive can get sex whenever they want - because a lot of men want sex with no strings attached. To put it bluntly if a woman was just up for sex without attachment, she could go to any club and have sex that night. Men aren't in the same position because a lot women believe if they behave like that they will be ruled a slut/prejudice the chance of future relationships etc. Of course, I'm not saying no women ever have one night stands - but by the law of averages and generally women find it easier to get sex, even regular sex, than men do.

These kind of attitudes sit deep.