Thoughts on this fuck buddy?

[DarwinianLoser]

I have a work-colleague FB that I've been sleeping with for a few weeks now (once a week). On one hand he obeys the fuck-buddy 'rules' with regard to intimacy (no romantic texts, sometimes will go for days without contact, says I can have sex with other people, etc) yet on the other hand he does the following: holds my hand - fingers entwined (always initiated by him), chivalrous acts like holding doors open, paying for all drinks and meals, paying me compliments, helping me with things, regular texts.

I'm confused by these mixed-signals, and - I confess - I'm new to this FB lark.

What on earth is the deal here?

Cheers sounds good, apart from DH not living with the kids. I'm not as good at parenting as he is. He would have the kids. In any event, I can't expect another man to bring up my kids in a residential setup. So, I would not be the custodial parent, which kind of puts a dampener on it.

Why, the the way, is everyone assuming that the kids should live with me just because I have a uterus? Wtf is up with that?

Why, the the way, is everyone assuming that the kids should live with me just because I have a uterus? Wtf is up with that?

I don't think anyone is DL. It was just a response to your original posts which seemed to (a) assume the children would live with your DH after any separation and (b) that you would be unhappy with that arrangement. It sounded like you took this as a given. What you are saying now ("I'm not as good at parenting as he is") is very different and puts a new gloss on it.

In any event, I can't expect another man to bring up my kids in a residential setup.

WTF are you on about?

Why, the the way, is everyone assuming that the kids should live with me just because I have a uterus? Wtf is up with that?

Because you have said all through that you wouldn't want to live apart from them. So we've given you advice to reduce the chance of that happening. but yes if it suits you we are all Hetero-monogamous stuffed shirts who wouldn't know a challenge to gender paradigms if it smacked us in the face. That's why we don't like your set up and attitude, totally.

Hetero-monogamous stuffed shirts who wouldn't know a challenge to gender paradigms if it smacked us in the face

ROFL @ EhricLovesTheBhrothers. Excellent.

I've only read up to p.11

It seems like you're remaining in the marriage 'for the kids'. Both of you. And the a nuclear marriage, even if it's not perfect is best.

But, how are you going to explain the FB set up to them when they're older? Or are you going to be hiding it when they're 15,16? Aren't they going to twig? How are they going to feel about Mummy doing all this stuff behind their backs, their Dad's back? I know others have said it, but this has SO much potential to backfire.

I feel for you OP, but I feel like you're sick of this situation and running away and hiding in sex. It's like being an alcoholic only using sex instead. Something has to change, your life. This is what will make you a strong woman. You can change your job if it doesn't work with kids, you can change your home. There's too many potential things for me to go through it, but you can't stay in this marriage the way it is, with what you are constantly hiding/ needing/ not getting. Trying to change yourself just so you can be in this marriage? What????

Darwinian you are asking if you can fundamentally change who you are You cant. And im worried you are going to get hurt and/or make some crap choices when it comes to men.

Because some will think "shes in a sexless marriage so she is so desperate she will put up with anything"

I think you will make yourself ill. Going for sex therapy with an asexual husband whilst you are having an affair.

Okay, pouring my heart out now:

I feel as though I have largely failed as a mother. I did everything by the book (exclusive bfing, SAHM, research everything, closely spaced, wedlock, etc, etc) and yet, this parenting lark - it's not natural to me. I don't get as much pleasure from it as I feel that I should. And I feel immensely guilty for that. I feel somewhat broken because of it. I am disappointed in my maternal inadequacy. So, I cling to the nuclear setup, because if I let go of that, I basically let go of maternity. Apart from my regular presence, I don't feel as though I am much virtue to my children. I guess all I have to offer (that is of any quality) is my role modelling as a conscientious hard worker. Breaks my heart but there you go.

If I leave my kids - I have failed at everything maternity.

Oh, but that's okay, because I'll have a sex life :(

Darwin

There seems to be a lot going on here and I think you need some support

Your relationship with your husband is disengaged and your relationship with your Dcs seems to be okay as long as someone else is doing that main parenting, you have said in a split your dh would take the kids, most people would be fighting to keep their kids

You have now introduced another person into the mix, fuck buddy, but now your relationship with him is also confused. See a pattern here?

We all feel at times that we have failed as mothers but that doesn't stop us fighting to be better, our relationships go through bad times...we fight to sort it out or we leave

What is it you need and want from life? Is your marriage workable without relying on a third party, if no, then get out, reduce your hours and share parenting of your kids.....and spend time getting support to deal with the issues you have.....face life and deal with it

If you don't feel you are much virtue to your kids then what are you going to do about it? What are you going to change? Time to get the big girl pants on and stop sticking your head in the sand and looking for short term measures

I do feel for you - I don't think you realise how messed up your thinking is. More black and white - either you stay living with your children or you've failed as a mother. I also wonder how based in reality your idea that you're a bad mother is - being a mother doesn't come naturally to a lot of women, but it doesn't mean you're a bad mother.

I really hope you look into CBT.

It sounds more and more as though you need some high-quality counselling for yourself. Not to turn you into one of us those happy souls who can enjoy sex without over-investing in it, but to sort out what seem to be some pretty complex issues about self-esteem, parenthood, abandonment, etc. Because you can't go on indefinitely the way that you are doing: you are making yourself very unhappy and may end up making a lot of other people unhappy as well. Plenty of people do bring up children amicably despite not being in a romantic/sexual relationship with one another - my DS' dad was an old drinking (and fucking) buddy of mine when I got unexpectedly PG. We don't live together but we are still on good terms and he sees DS regularly.

I don't have the option of going part-time and importantly, when I was a SAHM I was shite at it. So doing less employed work isn't going to fix my incompetence.

I think you're all right, I need counselling. But the NHS won't do sex therapy and counselling at the same time. So I'll have to wait until the sex therapy is over (lonnnng waiting list for sex therapy and just nearing the front now so I can't default).

I swore I wouldn't come back to this. However, imagine this OP, mole.

My DW and I don't have sex, her choice. She doesn't want to change this and I can't live without sex. We have spoken and she doesn't want me to pursue sex outside our marriage. I want to live with my children. I'll admit I'm not a hands-on Dad but I want to be around them. DW would naturally get custody and I don't want this. I've already had one affair but the person concerned wouldn't take my notes on what I needed sexually so I'm now starting another affair with someone who I hope will.

What do you think?

Flayed alive is what I think.

BTW some of the most damaged people I know are those where one parent was unhappy, had affairs and the other parent soldiered on.

DL, you sound like a victim of some overblown cultural ideas about parenthood that require people (and especially women) to be multitalented and endlessly self-sacrificing archangels in order to be considered 'successful'.

I don't have children myself, but I am frequently struck by the massive chasm between the expectations placed on parents of children born in the 1970s (basically, if your kids aren't electrocuting themselves or falling off the house roof, you're doing OK) and the expectations of parents nowadays (your child must be a straight-A student, a Michelin-starred cook, a brilliant artist, musician, poet, and a millionnaire entrepreneur or you have failed - which necessitates absolute commitment on the parent's part).

I am sure you're a great mum. Just because your children aren't your entire world does not make you a bad person. You sound to me like someone who has actually put too much on hold to be a mother, whose selfhood has been reduced to something far too slender as a result of a constant need to give. You perhaps need to reclaim something creative for herself - be it a craft, a business, an art, whatever - to rediscover your own personhood and voice on your own terms.

You perhaps need to reclaim something creative for herself - be it a craft, a business, an art, whatever - to rediscover your own personhood and voice on your own terms.

I thought that was what I was doing with my work.

Re: being a crap mother, let me explain. I find it difficult to engage with the kids (age 3 and 4). I lack patience, am easily irritated or easily bored. How shit is that? I tried full-time for 4 years, and couldn't do it.

You're punishing yourself for your perceived failings as a mother by staying in a relationship with your husband, and nobody wins. You will convince yourself that it is better for your children this way but that is simply not true.

Some people want to be good with kids and aren't. Some people are, and don't want to be. Some people are only good with other people's kids. Some peple are amazing with kids and can't have them. Everyone gets bored on the 7th repetition of Wheels On The Bus. Nobody is a perfect mum all the time. Everybody puts too much pressure on themselves.

You are keeping yourself in a relationship with your husband because it hurts you. It gives you both an excuse to go and fuck someone else, therefore protecting yourself from being hurt too badly by any one person, and it punishes you for being a bad mother. It's a winner all-round, if the end game is that everyone is miserable.

Your DH isn't happy. He'll put up with this until something does make him happy, but then he's off. Anybody would be. You're not happy, but you'll hang around because you believe you deserve to be punished. You're playing the martyr. Your children are okay, for now, but eventually they'll notice that your relationship isn't the same as the other mummies and daddies and they'll want to know why. They'll get used to seeing relationships with no love and no passion and that is a fucking terrible stencil to set your own relationships by. You're doing them no favours. When they enter cold relationships with men who don't show emotion, will you wish that you'd left earlier and showed them how relationships could be?

One day, you'll stop punishing yourself. It'll probably be when your DH finds out about your affairs. You will then blame him, and you'll be angry, and you'll say he forced you into it. That will be tough because you'll put your children through infidelity, when they could have gone through a smooth separation. You could have set a shining example of how things can go right, how you deal with problems.

You have to get past punishing yourself though, and you have to get past being angry and over-analytical of every man that isn't your DH, when it's him that deserves it.

You tried to be a SAHM for 4 years and your eldest is 4? How long have you been back at work? Your youngest is 3. How did you manage to get pg? Did your dh have sex with you? He can clearly manage it.

I think as the kids get older, it will be easier for you to engage with them.

I think you are burying your head in the sand, and this way of living (my Mum is like this) is very damaging. We worry so much about breastfeeding and co-sleeping and organic veg, when we should be so much more relaxed about parenting and so much more in touch with the 'bigger' issues. Relationships, dealing with life, engaging properly with children when they're teenagers (and not worrying so much about when they are 4) etc. It's like parents get burn-out because there is so much focus on the first 3 years.

But I digress.

OP, you do need to deal with this because a lot of people are going to get very hurt, very soon. You are not moving out so you can have sex. You are moving out so you can live life on your terms and allow your dh to live life on his, instead of dragging him to sex therapy if he doesn't want sex. Whilst you are having sex with other people, without his knowledge or consent.

You come over as thinking that if you could work out how to have the perfect FB setup then all will be fine. If the FB would just fuck and go and you didn't have any feelings developing then it will all be fine and dandy.

You think your solution is to follow some perceived FB script and want to know what that is. But you can't change your personality. I am far too sensitive, I get upset easily and I wish I was a lot harder but it is who I am. You can build confidence, self esteem but your fundamental characteristics are a part of you.

The FB thing isn't working for you because he's showing you respect and care and throwing in the sex makes it feel like a relationship. Your husband ain't interested so you feel desired and wanted and it makes you feel good so you are starting to form an attachment to this bloke. If you continue you will get in deeper or he will end it and you will have more hurt to contend with. You find another FB the same thing will happen unless you hook up with a grade A twat. No chance of any feelings developing then but do you really want ongoing sex with someone like that. You could end up feeling even worse. Don't have that little respect for yourself that you go down that route.

As others have said focus on the problems with your marriage. This FB thing will not make your problems go away it will just add to your problems. I do sympathise with you in marrying someone only to find out afterwards that he is asexual. I don't think I could stay in a sexless marriage but I wouldn't go down the route that you have gone down.

You have only been fucking this bloke for a few weeks and it's already screwing your head up enough that you feel you need to post on here. Throw your life away by staying in a sexless marriage that is making you miserable, talk to your husband and try and sort out something whether that be staying married or separating or screw your head up even further by continuing down the FB route. They are your choices.

Maybe it's because I am an old softee but I could see pages back that the OP needed support.

So young lady, you have mine. Parenthood is tough and you point out that you are not enjoying it....I am sure that that will change when you look back in years to come. It is a long hard slog in many respects. To your credit you have researched as best you can about how to be a good mum.

Stop beating yourself up...it is not your fault that you OH is the way he is.

Good luck.

Oh my. I think you have serious issues. I really don't think that a fuck buddy is going to do much for your abandonment issues. You sound like you don't like yourself very much, why else would you want to shag someone you dont like or respect?

You still sound like that insecure lonely girl of your childhood.

Your kids are so little op. 3 and 4. A lot of women (myself included) feel completely lost in terms of self esteem and identity at that sort of stage because it is so stressful and all encompassing. There isn't a rule book as you've found and most people simply muddle through trying to do their best. Lots of people (again myself included) are not natural parents. I have two dc aged 12 and 2.8 and the big age gap is mainly because I found the whole baby / toddler thing so depressing and stressful the first time round it took me 10 years to get over it and want to have another to get them to the stage dd was at which is when they become mini grown up and much easier.

I'd be lying if I didn't say there weren't many times I wanted to book a one way flight and bugger off from everyone. Honestly.

One thing I will say though is that I haven't stuck in a bad relationship just for the kids. I have divorced and remarried and it's been okay (my eldest has a different father). I was a single mum for a while and it was far better than being stuck with someone who didn't make me happy and I loathed the thought of having sex with. It was nice to be able to date again and experience the joy of someone wanting to be with me.

You don't need to resign yourself to this loveless life just for your kids. They are only little and will adapt. If you are miserable the whole family will be miserable.

Originally I read your post thinking the kids were teens and you've been 25+ years in this marriage. I'm not sure that makes it any different but for some reason the fact the kids are young makes me think your marriage either deserves another good kicking (I mean you must have had sex 3 years ago at least? Can it be gotten back?) Or you deserve another chance at happiness being single and dating or whatever.

I started out sympathetic. ..now I am a little creeped out to be honest.
It is so clear your issue is that you need to be honest with your husband and end your marriage.
Not that you need to get better at having casual sex.
So you find parenting small children boring and you feel impatient. Big deal, join the club.
I wouldn't have been a sahm if you had paid me and I love my kid with all my heart.
It is not parents separating that fucks kids up. It's lying , cheating, undercurrents of hostility and resentment.
You are standing firm on staying with your husband because you have done the research.
Who does that?? Who decides to maintain a horrible, painful, miserable situation based on something so clinical (and wrong by the way-how fucked up my son would be if I had stayed with his dad doesn't bear thinking about).
You ARE making it all about you not your children. You could probably change your working hours. I know several very high powered people of both sexes who have. It's not all or nothing.
You sent your lover a list of sexual things to try, he wasn't into it, you sound contemptuous of that. Believe it or not he has free will. I wouldn't agree to have sex in a public place either!
Sorry, but you sound slightly deranged with all his talk of neurological re programming and research studies.
Forget sex, sort out your home situation, do it with honesty and clarity, re arrange your life to help your children adjust to the new arrangements.
Why worry about them being "raised by another man" fgs?why would they be? Mine hasn't.I am seeing someone at present.
He is not bringing up my child!
You can't seem to take the really good advice you are being given on board, and it's really odd.