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Original poster

Thoughts on this fuck buddy?

359 replies

DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 09:19

I have a work-colleague FB that I've been sleeping with for a few weeks now (once a week). On one hand he obeys the fuck-buddy 'rules' with regard to intimacy (no romantic texts, sometimes will go for days without contact, says I can have sex with other people, etc) yet on the other hand he does the following: holds my hand - fingers entwined (always initiated by him), chivalrous acts like holding doors open, paying for all drinks and meals, paying me compliments, helping me with things, regular texts.

I'm confused by these mixed-signals, and - I confess - I'm new to this FB lark.

What on earth is the deal here?

OP posts:
whothehellknows · 28/02/2015 13:55

So jealous. I'd love to have a FB / FWB or two that I could enjoy spending time with but not feel obligated to make them the centre of my existence...

Goodbetterbest · 28/02/2015 14:00

He sounds more like a lover than a fuck buddy - affection, sex, intimacy, dates, but no involvement with real life of kids, school runs, paying the bills. Sounds wonderful to me!

Milllli · 28/02/2015 14:04

OP you sound hurt by his behaviour which makes me wonder if you like him and want more from him.

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 14:06

Fuck knows what he is. I realise that I do think of him a lot and that's not good. I need to disengage - an act he seems to accomplish so effortlessly.

My biggest mistake was choosing someone I actually like.

OP posts:
whothehellknows · 28/02/2015 14:10

I think it's good to like someone you're having sex with. It seems like a minimum requirement to me. Remember, you're a strong person and you don't really need him. You can enjoy your time with him and still be free to enjoy your time without him- sounds ideal.

Milllli · 28/02/2015 14:13

So you have fallen for him and want to know if he feels the same.

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 14:34

What does it mean to 'fall for someone'?

This thread has been an eye-opener for me. It's made me realise that he's probably doing these 'naice' things because either:

  1. He think I wouldn't fuck him otherwise.
  2. It makes him feel masculine.
  3. It makes him feel better about the setup.

...and not because he actually has feelings for me.

It's a tough pill to swallow but I'm going to take some time out and reflect on whether I want to carry on with this pill.

OP posts:
GinSoakedBitchyPony · 28/02/2015 14:36

I don't know how to post on this subject without turning it into War and Peace. I'll try to keep it brief but can't promise.

I had a fairly lengthy ongoing thing with a FB and by the end it was absolutely the biggest head fuck I've ever known.
It started when my marriage ended and at the beginning was exactly what I and FB needed, but over time it was a disaster.

At first we'd meet, shag and then I'd leave. Invariably I went to his place because I didn't want him at mine.
Then after about a year he invited me to stay over, which was better for me because it was a long drive home in the dark, and hey ho, I'd get shagged again in the morning. And get breakfast. So why not.

I'd say it was when staying over became the norm, along with having dinner first, then cuddling after sex and spooning in the morning, all instigated by him, that the head fuck started.

Looking back, I think the underlying problem that I had with it was that I started wondering "why am I not good enough to be your girlfriend?". I'd willingly agreed to be FBs, but yet, it somehow felt a bit insulting. Confused

I think that one night stands are generally lot easier on the psyche than FB especially if the FB arrangement lasts a long time. And if anyone starts getting attached, I'd advise them to talk to FB about it and if feelings aren't reciprocated, to RUN immediately.

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 14:47

I'd say it was when staying over became the norm, along with having dinner first, then cuddling after sex and spooning in the morning, all instigated by him, that the head fuck started.

Very familiar scenario to me. WHY DO THEY INSTIGATE THIS CUDDLY SHIT?!

OP posts:
Milllli · 28/02/2015 14:52

You have developed feelings for him and want more.

goodasitgets · 28/02/2015 14:59

Just be wary, it can end up a complete mess. My FB lasted 17 years and quite frankly my brain was mush by that point!

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 28/02/2015 14:59

"1. He think I wouldn't fuck him otherwise.

  1. It makes him feel masculine.
  2. It makes him feel better about the setup."

OP, maybe he's just human and doesn't want to treat his sexual partner/s like a fuck toy. Men enjoy holding hands, paying compliments etc without it necessarily having any hidden meaning.

There's every chance he likes you, but doesn't want a relationship because a)he doesn't like you enough OR probably more likely b)he just doesn't want to commit.

Don't let this drag on, it was a huge mistake on my part to let it drag on and it took me longer to 'get over it' than it did to heal from a divorce. You need to talk to him. And if he doesn't feel the same, get out.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 15:00

DL, I'll wager you thought you could hack it at first now you are getting feelings for him.

I don't think this FB thing is for you, either.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/02/2015 15:02

I have had loads of fuckbuddies and am still on friendly terms with most of them (just haven't got the time to fuck them any more and/or they have decided to engage in monogamy elsewhere or moved to the other side of the world).
I think the reason some women have a problem with the fuckbuddy thing is that we are still told that what we want is not just 'love' and exclusivity but a linear progression from first meeting to first shag to moving in to marriage and babies, and if this progression doesn't happen we are either wasting our time or being used. In fact, casual relationships are often much better for women (less domestic service, more time to devote to, you know, having a life that isn't focussed on Your Man).
The OP's bloke has told her, without any fuss, that this relationship is not going to be monogamous or 'move forward (to houseshare, marriage, babies, etc) . If OP wants monogamy or the tradtional linear progression, she should look elsewhere: if she doesn't want those things she should enjoy the time she spends with this man who sounds like pleasant company and a good shag. and stop worrying.

Milllli · 28/02/2015 15:04

wow Good 17 years. Why?

Milllli · 28/02/2015 15:05

Does he have lots of other women he snags on a regular basis OP

Milllli · 28/02/2015 15:06

shags even! My phone doesn't like rude words Grin

jasper · 28/02/2015 15:13

You want more .
Not sure how FB ever works.

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 15:23

Milllli I have no idea.

OP posts:
goodasitgets · 28/02/2015 15:25

Why is a good question! I'm not sure. I had periods where I was in relationships and so it tailed off but it always restarted again
It took me probably 12 years to realise I loved him, and I only told him last year

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 15:27

If I tell you guys my full situation, I fear you will jump on me (rightly so).

Okay, here goes (major drip-feed - make of it what you will).

My DH is a-sexual. We've been together 10 years and have 2 young kids. I get my sex from FB (who is well aware of my home situation). So to those who have said "if FB wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would have" - it's not quite that simple. Sorry for holding back but I only did so because I think this thread is now going to escalate into what a terrible person I am.

OP posts:
upsetagain · 28/02/2015 15:28

Does your DH know about your FB?

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 15:32

Ah. Massive drip feed. I hate drip feed threads.

You have just wasted lots of well meaning people's time by making sure they only give advice on one tiny aspect of what is actually happening here.

Why can't people just tell the whole story upfront.

binspin · 28/02/2015 15:33

Since when did relationships have so many rules??

binspin · 28/02/2015 15:35

Missed the drip feeding