Thoughts on this fuck buddy?

[DarwinianLoser]

I have a work-colleague FB that I've been sleeping with for a few weeks now (once a week). On one hand he obeys the fuck-buddy 'rules' with regard to intimacy (no romantic texts, sometimes will go for days without contact, says I can have sex with other people, etc) yet on the other hand he does the following: holds my hand - fingers entwined (always initiated by him), chivalrous acts like holding doors open, paying for all drinks and meals, paying me compliments, helping me with things, regular texts.

I'm confused by these mixed-signals, and - I confess - I'm new to this FB lark.

What on earth is the deal here?

You're not a terrible person: it sounds like you have tried to find the best solution to a difficult situation. (Though the monogamy obsessives are all going to be screaming and pooing with rage any minute). However, it also sounds like your current solution may not be sustainable for much longer.
Does your H want the marriage to continue - and do you want it to continue? If he is asexual, then fine: he is what he is. But that doesn't give him the right to impose celibacy on you for the rest of your life. He should either be content for you to have sex with others, or end the marriage himself. Equally, you don't have the right to insist that he has drugs/therapy/other intervention in order to make him consent to sex with you on a regular basis. If you are starting to feel that you will only be happy if you can get sex, love and commitment from one man in the traditional package, it's probably time to consider ending the marriage as amicably as possible and starting afresh. Not with FB, though as this is clearly not what he wants (and he is under no obligation to offer you a commitment when he was clear from the beginning that he didn't want commitment and wasn't offering it.)

Sorry for the drip feed everyone.

I'm not sure the drip feed changes the original dilemma. However, are you really happy with the whole set up? Is this how you envisaged your life? Hunting about for no strings sexual encounters as a way to make up for disappointment at home?

Maybe he's not suggesting a relationship as he knows you can't due to being married. I'd ask him outright if you were single would he be interested in you on more than a physical basis. I'd imagine he would from the sounds of it.

It's not ideal is it Cogito, but I'm not willing to break up my family on account of my sexual needs.

Feeling really sad at the moment.

Actually, I think that with the major drip feed of information that this is an affair and he's actually an OM, we can reword the original post, replacing OM for 'FB' and replace affair for 'fuck buddies' and it makes complete sense why he behaves how he does. No need for all the analysis.
This is the way that many PAs play out. He's enjoying a no-strings sexual relationship with a woman who's married to someone else. He can play the role of lover when it suits him, and fuck off for a few days when it suits him too. As can OP.
Is he married?

But OP - you say you're not willing to break up your family on account of your sexual needs. Is your marriage open? Does DH know about this?

Because if he doesn't know, there's every chance he will find out at some point. Would he want to stay married if he knew about this?
You're having an affair with a co-worker, you're going out in public together, you exchange regular texts. How long do you think you can keep this a secret?
There's a strong chance that other people at work already have an idea what's going on.

I don't think he's an "OM". I refer to him as my "FB". He didn't get me anything for Valentines.

What's PA?

No, he's not married. No kids. (That I know of!) I've been to his home and it's very bachelor-like.

I feel overcome with sadness at the moment. I guess it's part of the defucking process. Keep talking to me folks, it's helping.

Don't get the FB thing. Sound like pre-teenager games. Perhaps it's time to get a more grown up approach to sex and relationships?

Does your dh know?

PA = Physical Affair.

Er, he's being polite. Sorry.

I suspect DH is turning a blind-eye.

My point with this thread was to try to understand where FB's head was.

It just sounds exceedingly tricky Darwin, I can sympathise but I have no advice

Gin you think I'm a troll?

Good what did he say when you told him you loved him?

Darwin was your DH always asexual?

No OP, why do you ask?

He didn't have a clue which surprised me. I wasn't looking for a reaction back as such, it was more I had held onto the feelings for so long, and I needed to say it

I think it is a very different situation if your DH does not know this is going on. It is not a simple FB situation and you can't treat it as such

I think it is deceitful unless your DH knows and agrees

goodas, so what did he say? What did he do?

Just remembered, mine sent me a text once saying 'have you forgotten about the man you love?'. this after I'd not been in touch with him for a couple of weeks. I'd never given him any reason to think I loved him, the L word had never been mentioned. That was the final straw for me, I realised what a horrid cocky bastard he was and I fucked off for good.

It sounds like you might want more from the relationship and you are wondering if he feels the same. If that's the case then you need to find out what's going on in his head. You don't have to be blatant about it, but you could give him some hints and see how he responds. Good luck

Exactly what heart said.
Which is what I was trying to say to OP earlier but I clearly wasn't expressing myself very well, because she came back and told me he hadn't bought her anything for Valentine's Day.

Oh I do wish that people would RTFT.