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Original poster

Thoughts on this fuck buddy?

359 replies

DarwinianLoser · 28/02/2015 09:19

I have a work-colleague FB that I've been sleeping with for a few weeks now (once a week). On one hand he obeys the fuck-buddy 'rules' with regard to intimacy (no romantic texts, sometimes will go for days without contact, says I can have sex with other people, etc) yet on the other hand he does the following: holds my hand - fingers entwined (always initiated by him), chivalrous acts like holding doors open, paying for all drinks and meals, paying me compliments, helping me with things, regular texts.

I'm confused by these mixed-signals, and - I confess - I'm new to this FB lark.

What on earth is the deal here?

OP posts:
Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 01/03/2015 21:54

Enough with the biscuits already. Just leave the thread if you don't like it.

OP posts:
namechange2468 · 01/03/2015 22:03

Why not use the cognitive restructuring to become happy with celibacy?

Because neither of these (celibacy or FBs) are long term solutions.

Don't you think you owe it to yourself to just be happy? What happens when you fall in love with a FB and they feel the same?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/03/2015 22:05

That's nonsense. You feel like its a weakness because you think you can't have it so wanting it feels like a vulnerability. But craving a fulfilling, loving sexual relationship isn't weakness, it's a human need common to most people and is just part of who you are. It can't be eradicated, at least not without damaging significant other parts of yourself too.

PrettyFeet · 01/03/2015 22:07

Its an interesting read in a macabre way.

Christinayang1 · 01/03/2015 22:09

Darwin it seems to me that you are trying to deny all the things you are craving, the intimacy , affection, closeness, all the things that you see as making you vulnerable

Sex in a relationship isn't just about the actual act it's about the closeness it brings, the holding each other afterwards, the feeling of being totally relaxed with someone, the enjoyment of each other. Do you do these other things with your dh?

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 01/03/2015 22:10

Because neither of these (celibacy or FBs) are long term solutions.

What IS a long term solution? (Bear in mind that you may parrot a socially conditioned monogamy-centric response).

at least not without damaging significant other parts of yourself too.

Okay, 2 questions:

  1. What other parts will it damage?
  2. Are you implying that people who engage in successful FB setups are 'damaged' because they don't crave the traditional monogamous lifestyle?
OP posts:
Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 01/03/2015 22:12

the holding each other afterwards, the feeling of being totally relaxed with someone, the enjoyment of each other. Do you do these other things with your dh?

We enjoy doing some stuff together and we'll crack jokes, but there is zero passion.

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Christinayang1 · 01/03/2015 22:14

Is there affection and intimacy?

Do you go to bed together and cuddle and chat?

Redglitter · 01/03/2015 22:15

I've got a very successful FB set up. works great for us both. It Doesn't rule out snuggles after sex etc but we don't go out for dinner etc. that's more like dating and would blur the lines. He's a good friend and we text/chat regularly but we both know the limits and what we want and it's worked great for several years now. I agree it's not for everyone but it CAN work

Christinayang1 · 01/03/2015 22:16

Even though he may be asexual does he try to satisfy you?

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 01/03/2015 22:18

Is there affection and intimacy?

He brushes my hair if I ask him (I like it).

Do you go to bed together and cuddle and chat?

Chat in bed.. why in bed? We chat outside of it.

Redglitter thanks for sharing. Sounds like the kind of thing I've got lined up with the new FB.

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Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 01/03/2015 22:19

Even though he may be asexual does he try to satisfy you?

In what way? Sexually? Not really. Sex scares him.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/03/2015 22:27

What IS a long term solution? (Bear in mind that you may parrot a socially conditioned monogamy-centric response)

Come on. You're married, you committed to monogamy, you're moving the goal posts without agreement from your husband. Nothing wrong with non monogamous relationships at all, if all parties are in agreement. You're deceiving your husband, and nothing is going to sit right with that until you face the issue.

^1. What other parts will it damage?

  1. Are you implying that people who engage in successful FB setups are 'damaged' because they don't crave the traditional monogamous lifestyle?^

1- if you are determined to shut down your natural human response to emotional connection to another human you will lose out in other areas. You will become hardened and cut off from your feelings. You will end up repressing your true nature and instincts and that's never going to be healthy.

2- no of course not. But you're not that type of person so by forcing yourself into it you are going to end up impacted in a not good way.

alphabook · 01/03/2015 22:29

This thread is very depressing.

You compared your "cognitive restructuring" to CBT. CBT is a therapy based on the idea that thoughts influence your feelings and behaviour, it's about
gaining an understanding of your negative thoughts and beliefs, and how these may not be rooted in reality.

What you're trying to do is change your personality and/or sexuality. It is not possible to change your personality or sexuality through CBT or any other kind of therapy. It is not possible to switch off your desire for emotional intimacy any more than it is possible for you to switch off your desire for sex completely.

namechange2468 · 01/03/2015 22:33

A long term solution for me would be separating from DH, sharing the children 50/50, having lovers/FBs/casual relationships whatever you want to call them, until I met someone I really liked and had a relationship with them.

That may sound like a 'parroted' response, but that is how I would prefer my life to be, with some chance of a happy relationship. I'm guessing that is what you want too, if you see the necessity to change your natural cognitive responses.

HelenaDove · 01/03/2015 22:34

"Come on. You're married, you committed to monogamy, you're moving the goal posts without agreement from your husband"

As did he!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/03/2015 22:36

Arguably you're right that he also moved the goalposts but he didn't stop having sex with her without her knowledge did he? The op knows the situation she is in and is free to make an informed choice. The husband doesn't know the situation he is in because she isn't telling him.

HelenaDove · 01/03/2015 22:41

The husband doesn't know the situation he is in because she isn't telling him.

Why? Because he has assumed she is ok with it because women dont/shouldnt like sex?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/03/2015 22:46

For gods sake Helena. Stop projecting ok? She's cheating on him, and he doesn't know. That's just not ok.
He's also being unreasonable as fuck but he's not deceiving her on a daily basis.
I have consistently said to the op that she needs a sexual relationship and I certainly don't think she should do without sex for any reason, that's a stupid straw man argument. But the op will sort out nothing by cheating on her husband long term.

HelenaDove · 01/03/2015 22:47

Woah Ehric I totally get it. Sorry Thanks

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 01/03/2015 22:47

Come on. You're married, you committed to monogamy

Marriage is the best setup for children according to the research.

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Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 01/03/2015 22:51

namechange2468 I can't have the children 50/50 because my workload is too demanding, so I'd rather at least have them living with me in the current setup where I get to share breakfast with them every day and put them to bed most nights.

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alphabook · 01/03/2015 22:53

My parents split up when I was 13. I'm so glad they did. It would have been far more damaging for me to grow up in an environment with two parents who clearly weren't happy together. They had an amicable split and are still good friends. My dad was the one who moved out but we still saw him very regularly.

I said it before and I'll say it again - you have far more chance of an amicable split with 50/50 parenting now than if he finds out you've cheated on him.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/03/2015 22:58

Not a marriage where the parents resent each other and the mum is sneaking around fucking other people without the dad knowing

It's you that has bought into the 'cult of monogamy' or maybe the 'cult of marriage' actually. You are fetishising the marriage set up and sacrificing yourself on the altar of the nuclear family.

Research is based on averages, and what's right for one family is not always right for another. Raising children in dysfunctional marriages isn't good for them either.

Original poster
DarwinianLoser · 01/03/2015 23:00

alphabook 50/50 won't work for me with my current work situation. I don't even want to split. I want to stay with DH but have fulfilling sex elsewhere with someone that I don't feel emotionally attached to. I've got something set up for next week with someone I feel nothing for, so maybe it'll work.

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