Thoughts on this fuck buddy?

[DarwinianLoser]

I have a work-colleague FB that I've been sleeping with for a few weeks now (once a week). On one hand he obeys the fuck-buddy 'rules' with regard to intimacy (no romantic texts, sometimes will go for days without contact, says I can have sex with other people, etc) yet on the other hand he does the following: holds my hand - fingers entwined (always initiated by him), chivalrous acts like holding doors open, paying for all drinks and meals, paying me compliments, helping me with things, regular texts.

I'm confused by these mixed-signals, and - I confess - I'm new to this FB lark.

What on earth is the deal here?

I am all for a fb situation, I think they can work brilliantly in the right circumstances

I don't think you are cut out for it though. You have been incredibly unfair to your current fb, why did you send him that ridiculous link? He has been clear and straightforward, you have been the one who has been the 'mindfuck'

You keep asking if fufilling sex can happen with someone you don't like/respect but we can't answer that really because it's different for everyone. Can people have great sex someone like that? yes absolutely.Can you have fufilling sex with someone like that? I suspect probably not but even if that's the case it's not a failing on your part. At some point you have to accept who you are and what you need and if you want to keep trying out new fb's fine, but don't assign to them behaviour that's not there and don't blame them for your own issues

alpha

Agree, that's why I was trying to find out if they had any relationship at all or whether it was just two people sharing a house

I also wonder what dh' s role is, does he consider his wife,,has he tried to deal with the issue, does he satisfy her in other ways

that's not possible in human consciousness.

It clearly is, seeing as FB manages it.

What you're talking about is not so much taking control of your emotions in the sense of harnessing or regulating them - but numbing emotions you don't want to feel.

I'm not so sure. If I put boundaries in place (no cuddling, no hand-holding) then (hopefully) romantic attachment will weaken and then cease. My 'transactions' with FBs need to be truly a matter of 'friends who fuck'. Nothing borderline romantic. I think they'll probably agree with that.

Seriously MrsTerryPratchett, you can't see how a human being with a mind and will of his own is better than a piece of plastic?

Christinayang1

He's had therapy. It obviously didn't work.

I honestly think you will end up switching off your emotions to the point where you feel nothing inside

Maybe, but even that would be better than my current state. At the moment, I'm either in limerence or deeply depressed. All because my attachments are fucked up.

He has been clear and straightforward, you have been the one who has been the 'mindfuck'

Actually NO, I'm not buying this 'he has been clear' bollocks. Google "fuck buddy rules" - I'm betting 90% of the sites that you read will say NO hand-holding, regular texts, and stuff of that kind. "No cuddling" comes up a lot.

Here's a typical example:

bedroomseduction.wordpress.com/2013/05/31/the-fuck-buddy-rules/

I actually resent some of you guys implying that I'm a stooooopid neurotic noob for interpreting cuddling et al as un-fuck-buddy-like.

How do you feel when you have been with fuck buddy and then went home?

The only fuck buddy 'rules' are the ones established between the people involved

The whole point of having a fuck buddy is so things don't get complicated and so you don't have to constantly try to guess what they are feeling/thinking

In your situation he has been very clear. If you didn't want hand holding, cuddling etc then you could have just said so. That's the whole point

Why do you go for meals with fuck buddy?

Is anybody else simply getting the impression this whole thread has been an exercise in narcissistic attention seeking ?

I dunno, but I so dislike the term 'fuck buddy' it sounds nasty and aggressive, a bit like saying 'fuck you'.
I wish there were a better term, I know some use 'FWB' but I'm not sure that they are exactly synonymous? ?

Christinayang1

To answer your Qs:

1. I've felt good. After the session I've often felt 'ready' to leave and return to my home.

1. Why do I go for meals and hang out with him? Because I like him.

AnyFucker I know you're a MN regular, so credit when due, but you're wrong about this. My head is not in a good place at the moment, and this thread has been a sort of therapy for me. If you interpret it as attention seeking, that is your prerogative (perhaps don't read?) However I am finding this thread an immense source of enlightenment. I so badly needed to discuss this whole mess.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi I've certainly leaned my lesson. I will make it clear with all FBs in future.

Okay, so you are getting more out of it than just sex, it sounds as if you want more out of life than just sex

That's what is have been trying to get at, it's not purely sex you are missing with your dh, it's the closeness and intimacy that a full relationship brings

Op I can fully understand that you want your children to grow up with both of you, but can't you see that your relationship with dh is a ticking time bomb

He's not obeying the fuck-buddy rules?

Any marriage is the best set up for children?

I don't mean to kick someone when they're down, but reading this, I can only think you have a really weird and rigid outlook on life.

it's not purely sex you are missing with your dh, it's the closeness and intimacy that a full relationship brings

I go for meals with DH too. We just seldom have the one-to-one 'date' type interactions because of childcare issues.

can't you see that your relationship with dh is a ticking time bomb

I'm gaining a sense of that from this thread. I've always pushed the bomb to one side and focused on coping strategies. Head in the sand because I don't know of a better approach, all things considered. I have a very strong view on wanting my family to stay intact. I believe that sex is important, but not as important as an intact family. So I figured I would get my need for physical intimacy fed by an outside source. I actually resent DH less since I began the adultery. This has enabled me to appreciate his other positive qualities.

The whole point of your question was why the fuck buddy was crossing boundaries, but you are too, you don't need to go for dinner....you are getting more out of it than sex

Op believe me I am not trying to get at you, I think you are very confused about what is happening in your life and that doesn't surprise me

However the very thing you want i.e. Family life, is in real danger of imploding with you coming out the bad one

A fuck buddy isn't a fuck buddy if you're going out for dinner with them tbh. Although your situation sounds even more complicated as you are married. So you couldn't be with this person anyway.

I've had fuck buddies and all but one of them were jealous about the idea of me sleeping with anyone else. And the one that wasn't jealous wasn't (I think) because he wasn't that into me. And the problem of cour is that you should be into each other if you are going to enjoy the sex. Herein lies the problem.

"The only fuck buddy 'rules' are the ones established between the people involved"
Exactly. OP please don't link us to some crappy blog that sounds like it was written by a single 20 year old in order to 'prove' to us that there are some universal rules around this situation. There aren't.

I've had several ongoing, some long-term, casual arrangements and each time the dynamic has been different and we've set up boundaries that work for us both. Once boundaries are established, then if someone starts to go down the head fuckery route, get rid.

lottieandmias How did you find the sex with the FB that you suspect wasn't that into you?

Gin I'm being extremely transparent about my expectations with the new FB. I see him tomorrow. I have no idea how it will pan out but he knows the score upfront. There's no way he could misconstrue my request ("Zero romance, no hand-holding, no cuddling").

OP, has it even occurred to you that you may get caught?

Also I think you're right out of order sending him that link. You're married, he's single. He has every right to do what it takes to keep himself from being over invested in this. So maybe he does blow hot and cold. Maybe that's how he protects himself from getting too involved. You're married. You're insistent that you're staying married. It's cruel to accuse him of blowing hot and cold when you're not free.
You sent it to get a response from him - has he responded how you wanted him to?

Cross posted OP.

Gin he is very hot and cold though. It's a fact. Some days he'll text loads and then nothing for days. Then you've got all the hand-holding bollocks I've described. He's also not very receptive to my suggestions. It seems like our 'transactions' are seldom on my terms and always on his. A few recent examples:

1. I sent him a link to some different positions we could try. He made some joke about them potentially causing injuries. Did we try them? Did we shit.

1. I suggested we have sex in a discrete location al fresco. He said no.

1. I suggested that he pulls my hair during sex (which isn't fucking bondage is it?) Again, it never happened.

So, dismissing me sexually (unless on his terms) one moment, and then being cuddly, the next. Is that not hot and cold?

So dump him. Jeez.

Darwinian - it wasn't as good. It was certainly not the worst I've had but it was sort of 'fuck by numbers'. Plus I didn't come enough.

Or he's just not into the same things as you are sexually?

He sounds like out of sight, out of mind. Which is exactly the way a FB should be. Especially one who is having sex with a married woman who has no intention of leaving her husband.

I think your biggest problem in all of this is your black and white thinking. (Nuclear family good, divorce bad, weekend parent bad, getting remarried bad. Fucking and immediately leaving - FB. Cuddling and holding hands - relationship.) There are so many shades of grey and different possibilities with all of this, but you have a very fixed way of thinking.

I 100% agree with the others that the only rules of a FWB situation is the rules you come up with together. I enjoyed cuddling my FWB and we had fulfilling sex because we had affection and respect for each other, even though we weren't compatible enough to want to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I would have found "wham bam thank you ma'am" sex quite soul destroying, and I can imagine you will too. (Obviously some people are into that kind of sex, but you're clearly not one of them.)

He's also not very receptive to my suggestions. It seems like our 'transactions' are seldom on my terms and always on his.

Dear god.

+1 for "So dump him. Jeez." JohnFarleysRuskin

This thread is like a never ending carousel. Round and round we go.

It's not wrong of him to not want to have sex in a public place - you can be arrested for that. In fact it's not wrong for anyone to not want to do anything sexually.

I had a fuck buddy who I found certain positions uncomfortable with because of his size and he got annoyed with me about it and tried to force me to do it anyway. The one rule that should apply with a fuck buddy is respect.