Thoughts on this fuck buddy?

[DarwinianLoser]

I have a work-colleague FB that I've been sleeping with for a few weeks now (once a week). On one hand he obeys the fuck-buddy 'rules' with regard to intimacy (no romantic texts, sometimes will go for days without contact, says I can have sex with other people, etc) yet on the other hand he does the following: holds my hand - fingers entwined (always initiated by him), chivalrous acts like holding doors open, paying for all drinks and meals, paying me compliments, helping me with things, regular texts.

I'm confused by these mixed-signals, and - I confess - I'm new to this FB lark.

What on earth is the deal here?

Fucking and immediately leaving - FB. Cuddling and holding hands - relationship

Indeed. My brain needs a major rewiring. But until then I'm going to be 100% transparent about my boundaries. No room for misinterpretations.

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to participate in this thread - even the critical people (especially the critical people!)

I enjoyed cuddling my FWB and we had fulfilling sex because we had affection and respect for each other

How do you feel about him fucking other people? Dating other people?

I would have found "wham bam thank you ma'am" sex quite soul destroying

Have you ever had that kind of sex?

So you thought sending a link of different sex positions to your FB would get you great wham bam sex?

You're determined I suppose.

The problem with a FB, is that someone always gets more attached than the other and someone inevitabley always gets hurt.

...........heyzeus

Just scanned the thread more on the latter pages, it's a web not just a smiple situation.....

Hmmm maybe I'm a closet misandrist. "Men are people too, you know". I did not know that. Thanks for clearing that up.

On a serious note, is it self-centred and callous to want to know where I stand with a bloke? It's clear from this thread that: 1. I need to put solid boundaries in place - in tune with my B&W thinking - so that I can feel secure. 2. I need to work on compartmentalization. 3. I should never get into a FB setup with someone I have feelings for. That's three important lessons learnt from this thread.

So, rather than going round in circles, everyone's advice has been heeded.

Thank you once again. If this thread continues (it would be cool if it did), we could morph it into a general fuck buddy discussion. The topic is fascinating and obviously pertinent to many folk here.

it all comes across as outstandingly self-centred and callous

On reflection, I agree with this. It is all about you.

The reasons you won't leave your husband, whilst you say they are about the children, actually aren't at all. You have repeatedly said "YOU don't want to be a weekend parent." It's all about what you want.

You have totally ignored (not even engaged with or discussed) suggestions that there are alternatives to your black and white view of either married in the same house or you as a weekend parent. You have totally ignored (again not engaged with or discussed) those who have said your existing set up may in the long run damage your children. You are not prepared to change your working hours to give you more contact with your children. You have totally ignored (again not engaged with or discussed) those who have said affairs may become exposed and damage your children, your reputation and your husband.

You expect another person/people to have sex with you entirely on your terms in your way in every sense - emotionally and physically - like ordering a person to be delivered that matches your spec.

You should take a long hard look at yourself because it's not pretty. It may very well be that being in this difficult situation is causing your own sense of right and wrong and propriety to become warped and twisted.

But the more you say, the more warped and twisted your perceptions seem to look.

I'm not saying its your fault as it's probably a function of trying to cope in this marital hell. You do need to realise though that it is having a terrible effect on you and your personality and moral compass. This is unlikely to be good for your children.

I'm going to exit the thread because I'm starting to have some serious concerns here.
I hope this turns out ok for all involved, but I can't see how it will.

That's three important lessons learnt from this thread.

Your three lessons are not what most people were trying to say at all.

I do think you would benefit from counseling.

I am surprised at the seriousness with which you seem to be approaching the fuck-buddy thing. You do realise its just another naff term, invented by some writer, probably for a Sunday magazine, to describe shagging a mate?
You seem to regard it as a system with which to live by. And if only your FB would stick with the "rules", then all would be well.

Why don't you do what you like and forget the weirdy American titles?

But then, you seem to be approaching your marriage much in the same way. If you all stick within the marriage all will be well and your children will be thrive, but without it, they will turn feral.

It's a really quite extraordinary way of thinking.

Okay, before we put this thread to bed, I'd like to offer some thoughts for those still putting up with my shit:

1. You have repeatedly said "YOU don't want to be a weekend parent." It's all about what you want.

Whilst of course, to a certain extent, it's true that my not wanting to be a weekend parent is absolutely a factor in my decision not to leave, I do truly believe that two parents together (even in circumstances of asexuality) are better than a broken home. I come from a broken home. And just look at me! Yup, it's not pretty. Attachment issues. Abandonment issues. I have thoroughly researched this issue and stand firm.

1. You are not prepared to change your working hours to give you more contact with your children

I could do that, but I believe that I am actually a crap parent. I lack the patience and creativity to be effective hands-on (and I say this as someone who was a SAHM fulltime for 4 years when they were infants). I'm not the worst parent but I'm not good at it. Not a natural.

1. You expect another person/people to have sex with you entirely on your terms in your way in every sense - emotionally and physically - like ordering a person to be delivered that matches your spec.

It works both ways. I have to be what the FB wants too. It has to be mutual. For instance, with FB2 I have laid down my terms and he has laid down his. They were harmonious. So, whilst I do want a FB that meets my specs, I understand that my specs must be compatible with his. In this sense, it's certainly not all about me.

"I do think you would benefit from counseling."

Sensible suggestion from JohnFarleysRuskin

Have you ever considered that lots of us are raising children as lone parents, and that describing our homes as broken is actually very insulting and actually bollocks?
You may have been damaged by your childhood but it's by no means a forgone conclusion.

But anyway. I wasn't coming back and I got sucked in again. Your worldview is fucked up.

OP, have a Google of Transactional Analysis term "Yes, But... Thinking".

You might learn something.

Somehow I doubt it though.

I also come from a "broken home". I wonder what your experience of it was compared to mine. My non resident parent was very dedicated and we saw him regularly. My parents had an amicable split and are still friends. I have absolutely no issues about having come from a "broken home" - I recognise that sometimes two people just aren't meant to be together and it's better for everyone concerned for them to split up.

Back to your questions - I couldn't have cared less about him seeing or sleeping with other people. He wasn't mine and I didn't want him to be.

I've had a couple of drunken 1 night stands, but I can't imagine having regular (sober) sex with someone I don't really like or respect.

Also to compare my "broken home" childhood with my best friend - her parents are still together. They have had issues and over the years she has said many times she wishes they would seperate. She also found out recently that her dad had an affair (her mum doesn't know, and her dad doesn't know she knows.)

Do you really think that situation is less damaging than my experience, just because her parents are still together?

I wonder what your experience of it was compared to mine.

Mother and father - nothing in common.
Mother SAHM. Father businessman.
Father cheated when I was 12. Mother promptly tried to commit suicide - twice.
I was sent to live with aunt while mother hospitalised. Father lived 100 mile away with OW.
Mother emotionally unstable from that moment on.
Lonely, insecure childhood.

So the harm was done by your mother's mental health issues and suicide attempts, and ironically your father's infidelity. Not by growing up with separated parents.

This all sounds like a complete and utter mess. Surely a fuck buddy arrangement should be straight-forward and uncomplicated. That's the whole point.

I am also offended by your use of the term 'broken home.' I hope my two children who are being brought up by me in a single parent household don't come across that term.

Sorry to those I offended.

Father cheated when I was 12.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it.

That's very harsh Username12345.

I hope this turns out ok for all involved, but I can't see how it will.

Ginsoakedpony I hope that DarwinianLoser comes back in 12 months to tell us that after a short lived and unhappy FB experiment, she and her DH separated amicably, she lives with the children and he lives round the corner and is massively involved in their children's lives, DL is now happily involved with a lovely new man who takes her out for dinner, cuddles her and has bed-stead breaking sex and she feels so much happier, desired and relaxed than she has done for years.

Do you understand that you could end your marriage now on good terms which makes childcare arrangements and access much easier and more flexible, or you could have a bitter divorce where you fight over custody because he's found out you've cheated on him?

Its really sad that you're prepared to possibly inflict the same kind of childhood you had on your children because you think it's better to stay married and cheat than split now. Do you understand that it's your father's cheating that caused the damage in your childhood, not simply them splitting up?

I really think you should look into having CBT/counselling.