Thoughts on this fuck buddy?

[DarwinianLoser]

I have a work-colleague FB that I've been sleeping with for a few weeks now (once a week). On one hand he obeys the fuck-buddy 'rules' with regard to intimacy (no romantic texts, sometimes will go for days without contact, says I can have sex with other people, etc) yet on the other hand he does the following: holds my hand - fingers entwined (always initiated by him), chivalrous acts like holding doors open, paying for all drinks and meals, paying me compliments, helping me with things, regular texts.

I'm confused by these mixed-signals, and - I confess - I'm new to this FB lark.

What on earth is the deal here?

You are talking yourself into a box with the black and white nonsense. You think it's celibacy or FBs. It's not.

The obvious thing to do is to say to your DH, "I can't have an entire life free from sex, intimacy, kissing and all that goes with it" (And yes, chatting in bed is different to chatting in the kitchen). We need to come up with a solution; let's work one out". Whether that is his knowledge of your FBs, him seeking more help, you working out a way of engaging with him, living apart but with the children, living near each other, same house different rooms... however that works.

Lying to him, trying to rewire your brain, living with empty sexual encounters which mess with your brain, the FB's brain and your DH's brain. It is unsustainable and a terrible example to your children. If the only affection they see is asked for hair-brushing...

the parents resent each other

Presumptive some? The sex is shit. That doesn't translate to a global evaluation of shitness. My kids are the priority. Fuck my 'cravings'. I am an adult. They are just kids. They deserve the best I can give within the resources (financial, emotional et al) I have at my disposal.

Raising children in dysfunctional marriages isn't good for them either.

The research shows that bar the most extreme cases, the nuclear setup is still the most favourable for children.

Ok whatever. Bored of you now. Knock yourself out with your research based nuclear dysfunctional bollocks and your compartmentalised and unhappy life. Enjoy it all.

Marriage is the best setup for children according to the research.

Sure, a healthy marriage. A dysfunctional one, mmm, I'm not so sure. I see people all around me terribly damaged by fucked up home lives. And don't kid yourself that the lack of affection won't be picked up by your children. Or what Ehric said.

I want to stay married to my DH but also shag Brad Pitt on the side...

I'm being facetious, but I think the reality is that what you want just isn't going to work out. From the sounds of it, emotionless sex is not fulfilling for you and I don't think you'll ever be able to train your brain to make it be fulfilling.

There is already resentment there with your DH, and that's only going to grow the more you try to use that resentment to justify your affairs. And you don't seem to have acknowledged the possibility of your DH finding out the truth at all.

FWIW I would think you were absolutely mental if I were your FB and you sent me that YouTube link! I can't see how he's been hot and cold at all.

And yes, chatting in bed is different to chatting in the kitchen

Here's where my naivety is blinding again, can you explain the dichotomy?

you working out a way of engaging with him

What would that involve, for example?

If the only affection they see is asked for hair-brushing

What else should they be seeing? DH hugs me when I feel down, that sort of shit. There's just no passion. No sexuality between us. The kids just miss o0ut on seeing sexuality (which, surely, they don't need to see).

FWIW I would think you were absolutely mental if I were your FB and you sent me that YouTube link!

I don't think it will make him feel any less for me than he already does tbh.

All that will happen next week is that you will transfer all these unresolved issues onto FB2 which will rollup into bigger problems.

I don't actually judge the menage a trois situation, that's up to you.

You asked for advice on how to make a FB work, and my advice would be not by adding a new guy into these shenanigans.

If FB1 isn't working then end it. When you've recovered from that try someone else.

But don't try and desensitise or compartmentalise yourself, that's a step back into unconsciousness rather than a step forward.

If you try different variables and none of them work, then I think you'll have to admit to yourself that this kind of set up does not suit you and you need sex to be part of a relationship. Then you have some decisions to make about your family.

The research shows that bar the most extreme cases, the nuclear setup is still the most favourable for children.

I seriously doubt this. I'd be very interested to see how long these alleged researchers followed up the children concerned. My guess is not very long.

Anyhow, you sound wilfully committed to this FB idea and yet you don't seem very careful about it, if you are eating out with the other man. This will get back to your husband and it will be the equivalent of lobbing a grenade into your so-called sacrosanct nuclear marriage, whatever you're trying to tell yourself now. Perhaps you're not ready to admit that you want to hit the ejector button, but that's the likely outcome of the current path you are on.

Anyway, I think I'll hide this thread now.

Overall, are you happy in your marriage? It's that that children pick up on. It's not something you can define but it's very obvious when you see a couple who are deep down not happy being together.

My PIL are still together and you can see they still have a deep love for each other, just in the way they interact. It's not sexual.

All that will happen next week is that you will transfer all these unresolved issues onto FB2

I hope that doesn't happen, and I have reason to believe that it won't. The major difference between FB1 and FB2 is that I don't feel attracted to FB2. I don't care for him. I have minimal respect for him. Those are a gulf of differences.

that's a step back into unconsciousness

Can you explain? On the contrary, I thought it would be a step forward into taking control of my emotions - not letting them make me feel vulnerable.

Thanks for your input Dust

Why on earth would you want to be physically intimate with someone you don't respect?

That research is bullshit. The main problems faced by children of single/separated parents are due to either previous trauma (the husband/father was abusive before the marriage ended, or one/both parents had drink/drug problems) or poverty (the man has fucked off and refuses to pay maintenance.)Living in a house where one parent is miserable and the other content with the status quo and ignoring the misery is wretched for children: the atmosphere grows more and more poisonous.
Please bear in mind, whatever you decide to do next, that monogamy is an artifical construct, set up by men in order to control women's reproductive capacity. Some people may enjoy it, but for many it just doesn't work. But if you insist on monogamy from a partner, your share of the bargain is to have sex with your partner, not to insist they remain celibate because sex is scary, disgusting and, once you have had children, unnecessary.

alpha you ask some interesting questions. I'm not as happy as possibly I could be, but I get by. I do the best I can with the situation I am in. I'd be unhappier lost in a sea of singletons, ending up with a stepdad for my kids who could never love them 'properly' but with whom I'd have to navigate between. Doesn't sound like a path I want to tread.

Why on earth would you want to be physically intimate with someone you don't respect?

For the same reason I guess people hire escorts - for the passion, the physical release, the ego stroke? I'll find out in a few days.

because sex is scary, disgusting and, once you have had children, unnecessary.

That's DH to a tee.

You seem to have a very black and white view of the world. Ironically you probably would benefit from CBT!

I hope for your sake he is a decent enough bloke to be discreet and not make your life difficult if things don't work out.

alpha I think both FBs are of the mindset not to involve DH. They are of the "easy life" philosophy.

And yes, I do tend to be very B&W in many areas of life.

Can you explain? On the contrary, I thought it would be a step forward into taking control of my emotions - not letting them make me feel vulnerable.

Consciousness is sensitive, aware, alive. To try to desensitise yourself in this context is trying to block and supress your natural reactions, to dull your awareness - to become artificially unaware.

Compartmentalising is basically a mechanism to try to avoid conflicting thoughts, emotions etc. It might work if it were possible to keep each compartment separate and not let the contents interact as on a computer, but that's not possible in human consciousness.

What you're talking about is not so much taking control of your emotions in the sense of harnessing or regulating them - but numbing emotions you don't want to feel. That's not control, it's just emotional deadening.

All your natural emotional responses will still exist, you'll simply drive them underground and cause havoc in your unconscious while you're telling yourself you're happy and can't feel anything.

I get the concept of FBs. However I don't understand how someone you're not attracted to, don't particularly care for and don't particularly respect is better than a vibrator.

And you are lying to your DH. Knowing he doesn't agree with what is happening.

I'm out.

alphabook: 20:29

What you're trying to do is change your personality and/or sexuality. It is not possible to change your personality or sexuality through CBT or any other kind of therapy. It is not possible to switch off your desire for emotional intimacy any more than it is possible for you to switch off your desire for sex completely.

It wasn't that long ago it was thought that homosexuals could be treated for and/or be taught how to control their "deviant" sexual make up. It was thought they could be "reprogrammed" into the heteronormative state.

It was an epic fail.

So what has your dh done about his fear of sex?

If you're married you made vows, yeah? I don't suppose 'with my body I honour you, my first FB and any other FB that takes my fancy' were part of that ceremony.

I don't think wedding vows are relevant - the OP didn't sign up for a lifetime without sex.

The issue is the relationship now, and the reality is that the OP lying to her husband is going to drive a further wedge between them. You know when someone is hiding things from you, even if you don't know exactly what. Her children will pick up on the fact that their parents are not happy together, which can be extremely damaging and set a very bad model for their future relationships. Also I've mentioned it several times now but it hasn't been acknowledged - what happens if DH finds out. You may think he won't, but no one having an affair ever sets out to get caught (especially since it sounds like you're not being massively discreet - going out for dinner with FBs etc).

That's completely ignoring the moral issues, and the fact that OP is fighting a losing battle trying to switch off her emotions. I honestly think you will end up switching off your emotions to the point where you feel nothing inside, I really don't see a happy ending with this.