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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shall I tell his wife?

307 replies

upsetagain · 27/02/2015 19:16

Met a lovely guy online, he seemed perfect in so many ways. It was very intense, only 3 weeks but very intense. We planned a future together. I couldn't believe how compatible we were. I have waited for years to meet someone like him. Couldn't believe my luck.

Anyway found out he was married with a couple of kids. He gave me the usual rubbish, only together for the sake of the children. Separate bedrooms blah blah.

Told him it was over. I felt so angry, upset and humiliated and deceived, anyway I have done some digging around and have found out who his wife is on facebook. I have written her a long message with the complete transcripts of everything we said to each other on Facebook and intimate photos we sent to each other. I am just debating whether to send it to her.

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 04/03/2015 10:13

because I wouldn't want a total stranger, who knows nothing about my marriage or my children or husband & who I have never met wading in on the relationship mrsted the wanker and his wife and their relationship has fuck all to do with OP. She doesn't get dibs on trashing her life just because she is upset!

She was dragged into it already, when the married man chose to have an affair. She now does have something to do with the relationship and the fact that it is failing, or failed. Her telling the wife doesnt trash the marriage, the marriage is already trash. Whether or not it trashes the wife's life is her own decision. She can choose to do nothing.

(And to the person who is one of many who knows about a friend's spouse's affair(s) and isnt telling, but thinks telling is good advice: get off your arse.)

Louboutin37 · 04/03/2015 13:32

well its a big well done from me and pleased to see you took my experience of offering a week to question the facts. You don't need to be dragged into this any more than you already have been.

To all the people saying its unfair to tell the wife of that the OP must have an alterior motive, when I was married to my lying sleaze of a husband I picked up on several signs of iffy behaviour after we'd patched our marriage together when he had his first affair. you have no idea how much of a nutcase it turns you into when you can't nail the bastard with cold hard evidence and walk away with closure.

There is every possibility that this poor woman is living my life from 5 years ago, if so the OP has done her a mahoosive favour. I would doubt sincerely that he's been able to do this number for 3 weeks (and not for the first time I'd imagine) and his poor wife doesnt suspect a thing

GlasgowParent · 04/03/2015 14:43

Met a perfect guy online.........planning a future after 3 weeks........planning revenge on the guy as he didn't turn out to be 'the one' or whatever you thought he would be in this short space of time? Hmmm......

If you do take revenge you will give yourself some satisfaction but it would be pretty heartless as you aren't doing it to save the wife you are doing it for 'you'.

As another poster said, you sound pretty needy.

Original poster
upsetagain · 04/03/2015 14:48

Thanks GlasgowParent Hmm

At least the wife can get herself to the STI clinic

OP posts:
Original poster
upsetagain · 04/03/2015 14:49

Thank you Louboutin37

Yes I thought that was a good idea to leave things open for a week if she has any more queries. I will close everything down after so I will have no contact

Sorry to hear what happened to you

OP posts:
GlasgowParent · 04/03/2015 14:50

No probs.

I posted before reading that you told the wife. I personally think you done this as you have a bruised ego, not because you worry about the other guys wife or the fact she may/may not have an STI.

Ayway, not your problem now, she may thank you, she may not.

AuntieDee · 04/03/2015 14:53

OP I think you have done the right thing. Regardless of why you did it, I do question why people say NOT to tell the wife. She must have niggling suspicions - your communication will help her to come to terms with what her husband is like. Much better to know IMO

MarkingMyPlace9 · 04/03/2015 17:25

You have deff done the right thing OP. I would want to know if my DH was cheating on me! I can't understand people saying don't tell her? Surely you would want to know if your OH was cheating on you?

Charlie97 · 04/03/2015 17:32

Any correspondence OP?

X

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/03/2015 17:48

STI clinic?! Oh God, 3 weeks planning a future, you don't give him your real name, you stalk him online, you tell his darling wife out of a bruised ego AND you didn't use protection??

My point is that maybe his DW would want to know but I get the feeling that you are excitedly waiting for a response from her.....or more likely him!

Do this out of the goodness of your heart, not because you have been played. Maybe next time, search on FB before you fall for a loser!

Charlie97 · 04/03/2015 18:13

Handfull ....his darling wife....I don't think so!

She is his wife that's true, he promised to forsake all others, he's not! He does not treat her like a darling, he treats her with total disrespect.

Before she was his wife,she was a woman, she'll always be a woman and her own person and she deserves (imo) to know the truth about her DARLING husband and take appropriate action as she seems fit.

The guy is obviously a serial adulterer so there are health implications that his wife needs to act on.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/03/2015 18:25

Please tell me youused protection OP! Please! Shock

Louboutin37 · 04/03/2015 18:27

Don't worry about me OP, it was a solid life lesson and I'm much happier now :) you've done the right thing in my opinion

Original poster
upsetagain · 04/03/2015 19:04

Charlie97 no correspondence yet but it depends whether or not she has got the message or not or she may be too shocked. Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it

handful I am not excitedly waiting a response from her, I already said previously, I expect her to blame me. I followed the advice of cheated on wives who said to leave an option for a week for them to get in touch if they have any questions. He can't contact me. I have blocked him on facebook and have a new number. So I am certainly not expecting any response from him unless he does it through his wife's facebook. I am going to deactivate my account after a week so I can't hear from her either

I was careful but still want to do a check with STI clinic to be sure

Louboutin good to see that you are happier and have moved on. After a week I feel this will be over too properly and I can move on too. I am going to give up dating for a while I think! Thank you also for your support and kind words. I haven't told any of my friends so it has lifted me up that I have support from people on here

I have learned a lot of lessons from this experience, like I said I am new to dating and know I have been very naive, I have only had one sexual partner before this man and that was my husband of 20 years

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/03/2015 19:27

Careful? What does that mean?

upset please learn some lessons from this. You are not to blame for his wank badgery but the damage he has been able to cause you is immeasurably worse because you were so reckless. You have kids and a job and a heart to protect. They are precious and only you can protect it. Please be more careful in future Thanks

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/03/2015 19:31

Charlie - thanks for the education but DW on MN means 'Darling wife' or 'dear wife'

OP - you will not always get people agreeing with you - best not to pick up on them though. Sounds like you need a tougher skin if you are OLD.

FWIW - if you had shown more compassion for his DW after finding out rather than go on about he hurt you after 3 weeks then I would have given you more understanding!

None of your posts show any remorse for what the DW will be going through following your revelation and his deceit.

Charlie97 · 04/03/2015 19:34

Upsetagin, you may have been foolish, you may have been naive, you may have been outright stupid......however, you were not lying, you were being trusting, you took at face value.......the moment you found out he was a fraud you stopped it.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but your only mistake was to be too trusting, hardly a heinous crime.

What winds me up on this thread, is that some people seem to be saying you should have found out he was a liar, untrustworthy and out and out wanker and then he would not of been unfaithful to his wife.......BULLSHIT. He's an adult, he is a con artist and he conned you and others no doubt and he is the only one to blame is this sorry mess.

Don't let it put you off dating, but it probably has changed you as a person, you wont be that trusting again. I prefer to trust someone until I find out otherwise, Apparently going by this thread, it makes me stupid. But please pick yourself up, dust yourself off and date again.

X

Original poster
upsetagain · 04/03/2015 19:56

BitOutOfPractice sorry I don't want to go into details just that I will get myself checked out to be on the safe side. Thank you, I do need to protect my heart, my kids and my job. This has broken my heart and I can't go through this again, it is too painful, believe me if I do ever meet anyone again, I will do things very differently

Charlie thank you so much. I was too trusting. I will take my time to get to know and trust someone next time. Looking back, he was an accomplished liar and knew exactly what to say and a practised con artist

OP posts:
AuntieDee · 04/03/2015 20:02

If you aren't a friend of hers it will go to her 'others' folder which she may never see...

IfMaybeBut · 04/03/2015 21:55

Handful. The guy is at fault here. OP may have been naive, premature in her emotions but she ended the relationship when she found out he was married. You sound as if this is all a bit personal and you are blaming OP for the husband's actions.

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/03/2015 21:59

Not at all.

I just would expect rather a bit more humility from someone who has found out that a man of 3 weeks has lied to her and his DW rather than mention how he loved oral sex!

Crass IMO

iwashappy · 04/03/2015 22:00

OP as I said up thread I would rather have known so I think you have done the right thing personally although I do wonder how his wife is if she has read your message. But that is his doing not yours.

Pleased you are feeling a bit better yourself too.

IfMaybeBut · 04/03/2015 22:12

OP doesn't know the wife. She has no reason to feel any more empathy for her than anyone else on this thread who have been jesting.

She knows an affair is wrong and has stopped it.

Expecting her to express sympathy and humility is pointless because a) the wife won't read it and b) she didn't commit a 'crime'. The husband did.

If I was this wife I'd not blame her ....except I probably would ...because that is the typical pattern of behaviour we see from women here time and time again...bitter with the OW. The OP was not a conscious OW so why should she feel guilt or humility. Silly yes.

IfMaybeBut · 04/03/2015 22:13

Aiming anger at the 'OW' is pointless. It's the husband that commits the crime.

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/03/2015 22:30

How about you back off?!

I never ever called OP an OW.

My 'anger' is not actually that, I am entitled on a public forum to express my opinion. Particularly as OP has said that she was going to send intimate photos to the wife and call the idiot guy nasty names in her email to the wife, yet she can reminisce about how he loved oral sex with her.

He has been a dick, he has done wrong but a month later - and after 3 weeks of whatever OP thought it was - now she wants to contact the wife. It's spite, plain and simple because no doubt if OP was honest, she waited a month to see if this guy would contact her again. Now he hasn't, she tells the wife.