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Original poster

Shall I tell his wife?

307 replies

upsetagain · 27/02/2015 19:16

Met a lovely guy online, he seemed perfect in so many ways. It was very intense, only 3 weeks but very intense. We planned a future together. I couldn't believe how compatible we were. I have waited for years to meet someone like him. Couldn't believe my luck.

Anyway found out he was married with a couple of kids. He gave me the usual rubbish, only together for the sake of the children. Separate bedrooms blah blah.

Told him it was over. I felt so angry, upset and humiliated and deceived, anyway I have done some digging around and have found out who his wife is on facebook. I have written her a long message with the complete transcripts of everything we said to each other on Facebook and intimate photos we sent to each other. I am just debating whether to send it to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
upsetagain · 04/03/2015 08:14

XLIX - seems like you are putting all the blame on me for some strange reason

It's done, I have told her. I have blocked the married man and will give the wife a week to get in touch if she has any further questions

Time to move on and put this horrible incident behind me

OP posts:
Christinayang1 · 04/03/2015 08:25

Yes, it's time to put it behind you, good luck

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/03/2015 08:30

Not all the blame is being put on you OP, you got sucked in and hurt. I don't think your motives for telling his DW were honourable, I believe your pride was dented and you wanted to hurt him. I hope you didn't go into too much detail to his DW.

After the short space of time you knew him, I find it hard to believe that you have actively 'researched' him and his life.

If you are in a high profile job and have DCs - be careful in the future not to send intimate photos of yourself.

There are also new laws about using intimate photos of one person as a threat or blackmail - that could include sending them to his DW - be very careful!

Ich - totally inappropriate to compare the intense feelings of losing a child and the love you feel to someone who has been fooled for 3 weeks by an idiot!! Choose your metaphors carefully in future.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/03/2015 08:37

XLIX was not putting the blame on you. She was, like me, questioning your motives for telling the wife. I agree with handful (hello btw!) that your motives were revenge, spite and humilitaion. And those are never good motives for doing anything. I preduct that when you have had time to lick your wounds, you will regret doing this Sad

Charlie97 · 04/03/2015 08:42

Well it's done,decision made and what will be will be now.

I do think I would want to know, maybe it would also be easier to find out from a stranger than someone close.

Hope things are ok in the long term.

X

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/03/2015 08:51

Hello BOOP Smile

OP - just to be clear, I wasn't saying that you would send, or even mention the intimate photos as a threat, but be careful as it could be perceived that way and the law is very strict on it now.

Original poster
upsetagain · 04/03/2015 09:22

I didn't tell his wife straightaway, in fact it has been about a month since I found out. I wanted to calm down before making a decision about what to do.

I didn't send any intimate photos to his wife. I just sent some non intimate ones so she will know I have not made any of this up so I dont need to worry about the laws.

I think it is interesting how handful and BitOutOfPractice can be so sure of my motives. I take it both of you would rather not be told if your DH/DP was actively seeking sex with other women, thats fine if that is what you would prefer

I looked for advice by posting here and the majority advised to tell her.

I think what I would have regretted is not telling her. If she stays with him, that is upto her but at least it is her decision based on the facts

OP posts:
Original poster
upsetagain · 04/03/2015 09:23

Thank you Charlie97

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/03/2015 09:24

FWIW - I would want to know.
When my ExH was cheating, some friends knew and none of them told me.
I wasn't too happy with them for NOT telling me.
I would have appreciated a heads up.

You've done the right thing here and I hope that's an end to it for you now.

This is NOT all your fault either.

But you have learnt something so take that with you on the next encounters.
Take things very slowly to start with - always!

handfulofcottonbuds · 04/03/2015 09:30

Don't assume what I would prefer in this situation. I have been there! This is about you and not me and I also offered you advice on the photo thing so you wouldn't damage your career.

Your motives are all the way through this thread, I don't believe you told her for the sisterhood, rather that you are hurt by a guy who you thought was genuine.

Original poster
upsetagain · 04/03/2015 09:35

handful you are telling me not to assume what you would prefer yet you are assuming you know what my motives are

You gave good advice about the photos thank you

OP posts:
handfulofcottonbuds · 04/03/2015 09:36

I'm not assuming - your motives are written in your posts!

Good luck OP!

Original poster
upsetagain · 04/03/2015 09:38

I wouldn't need to come on here and ask for advice if my motives were all over my posts !!!

Thanks anyway

OP posts:
Dowser · 04/03/2015 09:40

I would want to know. I think you did right to keep it plain and simple. There's no need to hurt her and I don't think you did.

If he's been displaying any other questionable behaviours in the relationship your information might just be the misding bit of the jigsaw.

When my lying, cheating piece of doo doo left I went to the clinic to have all the tests done as he had also been with prostitutes. Thankfully I was clear. It was humiliating but the clinic was non judgemental. I also had the aids test. At least I was able to present a clear bill of health to my new DP.

The worms that came out of the woodwork when he left was unbelievable. A friend knew he had been with prostitutes. Others had seen him round the town with different women. Our marriage at the end was a sham.

You might have saved her years of such a fate.

I think you got love bombed and fell for a rat of a charmer.

I think you will be more cautious next time.

Good luck.

Quitelikely · 04/03/2015 09:48

You done the right thing in telling her. I don't think your motives matter. She has a right to know and most women would want to.

I mean you're not telling her out of love are you? And people wouldn't be expecting you to.

Good luck

SylvaniansAtEase · 04/03/2015 09:50

Just posting to say, if I were the wife, I would want to know - and I wouldn't give a damn what your motives were. That wouldn't even enter my head.

I'd be utterly utterly devastated. I'd think of you with hatred, I'm sure. But ultimately - I'd be SO GLAD to know the truth about my own life. And also, VERY glad to have found out in a way which meant he didn't know I knew - so that I could make the decisions I wished with the advantage of secrecy and privacy.

A person who has been wronged, and put at a huge disadvantage, is now no longer at that disadvantage. That's a good thing. It's horrible, but it was even more horrible before.

Momagain1 · 04/03/2015 09:51

Joint future planning in 3 weeks? Hell, we talked about our potential future plans the day after we met. It's been 24 years now, so such conversations are not universal warning signs.

Still, those experienced at creating situations that get them laid can make themselves appear perfect, so be more wary OP.

Tell the wife you met her H online, and dated him until you figured out he wasnt the single dad he presented himself as. Tell her you have the online conversations if she wants them, but dont send them unless she wants the additional torture/evidence.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/03/2015 09:53

Your motives are quite obvious OP. Re-read your first post. No mention of concern for the wife. Just anger and humiliation.

And you have no idea if I would want to be told! You have assuned I wouldn't.

Momagain1 · 04/03/2015 09:53

Oh: in case she takes it out on you: create a new email account, and scrape your details from the conversations with him. You don't need her having easy access to your real life. Or, cosidering he probably has these details on his phone etc, consider dumping that contact info.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/03/2015 09:56

And please prepare yourself to receive a whole load of vitriol from both of them. He will tell his wife you are a mad bunny boiler / deluded. And you know from personal experience that he is a very effective liar Sad

God luck OP. I hope you can move on from this now and learn some lessons for you. I'm just so sorry that they have come at such a cost to you

BitOutOfPractice · 04/03/2015 09:56

Good luck. Not god luck!

MinceSpy · 04/03/2015 09:59

Your micro-relationship was based on a web of lies on both sides. You deceived each other.
Now you've dropped your bombshell on the innocent party how do you feel.

Dietagainmonday · 04/03/2015 10:02

I would want to know if my dh was shagging about.
I would defiantly tell her.

Original poster
upsetagain · 04/03/2015 10:10

Thanks for your support, yes I feel like I have done the right thing.

BitOutOfPractice - I do have concern for the wife, now she knows she can go and get tested at the STI clinic like I will. If I didn't tell her, goodness what the bastard would pass on to her

I expect her to get angry and blame me actually

I will just have to deal with what happens next

OP posts:
Dietagainmonday · 04/03/2015 10:11

Sorry just read through posts and see you have sent it.
I think you did the right thing.
If the message hasn't been read then it has gone into other folder that nobody checks.

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