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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shall I tell his wife?

307 replies

upsetagain · 27/02/2015 19:16

Met a lovely guy online, he seemed perfect in so many ways. It was very intense, only 3 weeks but very intense. We planned a future together. I couldn't believe how compatible we were. I have waited for years to meet someone like him. Couldn't believe my luck.

Anyway found out he was married with a couple of kids. He gave me the usual rubbish, only together for the sake of the children. Separate bedrooms blah blah.

Told him it was over. I felt so angry, upset and humiliated and deceived, anyway I have done some digging around and have found out who his wife is on facebook. I have written her a long message with the complete transcripts of everything we said to each other on Facebook and intimate photos we sent to each other. I am just debating whether to send it to her.

OP posts:
Ouchbloodyouch · 27/02/2015 23:36

Its the taking part that counts..

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 23:36

You noticed too, koala ?

some people would make me out to be paranoid or summat (twitch)

jasper... advise the op as you see fit, but at least make an attempt to do so without referencing my contributions

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 23:38

Not you, ouch, I think Mr C Lyon was a valiant effort....just not enough reference to dirty sex in it I reckon Wink

Ouchbloodyouch · 27/02/2015 23:41

I went out with a jack mehoff once! i did not Google

iwashappy · 27/02/2015 23:46

Least it wasn't Drew Peacock think he's being mentioned on another thread

AnyFucker · 27/02/2015 23:51

Grin @ Drew Peacock

coolaschmoola · 27/02/2015 23:51

Op you lied to him, he lied to you. Neither of you were honest.

Move on.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/02/2015 23:51

Ffs
The op is entirely at fault for being so naive and foolish to think she was falling in love with a virtual stranger and sending him intimate photos. I hope she learns from it.

Koalafications · 28/02/2015 00:21

Yes, I did AF

Posters just love a bandwagon to jump on.

Koalafications · 28/02/2015 00:22

Agree Ehric I have no sympathy at all for the OP.

Sickoffrozen · 28/02/2015 00:28

It's all very well saying you would want to know but reading many posts on here, that news is not actually taken very well. Instead of "what a wanker, here's your bag packed now fuck off back to your mums" or whatever reaction he should get, it is more like "but I love him blah blah blah" "he is a good dad" blah blah blah "he doesn't hit me" blah blah blah " can we save this".....I think you get the message....this sort of news can cause a lot of devastation and got every woman strong enough to do the right thing, there are many that will do nothing and their lives and kids lives are turned upside down. As long as the "victim" feels better by doing though, who cares.....

IchBinEinNerd · 28/02/2015 09:21

the news mightn't be taken well but that doesn't mean it won't mill around the back to the wife's consciousness. The tip off she officially filed under 'from a crazy' still causes the plates under the marriage to shift. She'll detach emotionally. Then the next time she discovers something damning she makes the decision to go. And that still might not be immediate. But the tip off gave her a year's head start (or six months or however long)

The thinking on mn is obviously that marriage is so precious you daren't ever pull the rug from beneath anybody else's relationship. I believe that it's the one life that you get that's precious and it's important not to waste it in a fake marriage.

I've been the messenger a long time ago. And I was shot for being the messenger but we are strong friends again now.

Hakluyt · 28/02/2015 09:32

"He is in a very high earning profession. He has property in the UK and overseas"

Course he is. Course he does.

Original poster
upsetagain · 28/02/2015 09:48

He is in a high earning profession Hakluyt. I looked him up and there is a register for his profession. That bit wasn't a lie

OP posts:
Sausagerollers · 28/02/2015 09:58

I obviously can't represent all wives just because I am one, but I do struggle to come up with a scenario where any wife wouldn't want to know that their husband is cheating.

Surely it's always in the cuckolded spouse's interest to find out asap that they're married to a cheat?

That said, I concur with Iwashappy that there's no need to lay all the dirty details on the wife from the start, if she wants to know more she can ask you.

rationaloptimist123 · 28/02/2015 10:02

Anybadword sounds a bit mean and cwoss sometimes.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2015 10:06

and advance search tells me all I need to know about you Wink

Koalafications · 28/02/2015 10:20

How old are you rational? This is a forum for adults.

weedinthepool · 28/02/2015 10:46

I was (still am officially) a wife and if some random stranger told me that my H had been sending pictures of their cock online & cheating on me I would be mortified. I agree the level of detail needs to be seriously cut down but is it not the cheating wankers responsibility to tell hus wife? I'd be telling him to fess up, not doing his dirty work for him Hmm

oldgrandmama · 28/02/2015 10:57

I'm a bit conflicted on this one. My very XH was having an affair ... turned out it was with my best friend. Pretty well everyone in our village knew - except me. No-one told me. When I did find out, when the affair had been going on a few years, I was, of course, devastated, but I also felt an utter bloody fool, knowing that their affair was common knowledge.

But OP, your relationship has had a duration of three weeks only. I'd say, wipe your tears away, learn from the experience, move on. But ... on the other hand, the guy's wife presumably remains in blissful ignorance of his philandering.

I really don't know what to advise you. So I won't try. (Pretty pointless post from me, sorry.)

IchBinEinNerd · 28/02/2015 11:05

The power of denial is enormous. If a cheated on wife isn't ready to accept that her husband is a sleaze and that the marriage is doomed, then she will very easily be able to quickly dismiss the tip off as having come from a jealous/mentally unstable/confused woman. You see it often on here. "There is a woman who won't leave my husband alone, she makes comments on his fb posts'' etc etc............

FrancesNiadova · 28/02/2015 11:08

UPSETAGAIN: I really feel for you. Your marriage of 20 years has ended, you dip your toe in the water again & get burnt.
One question, what is a married man with kids doing on a dating website in the first place? He could have been with any number of unsuspecting women.
Get yourself an STI check & then a good night out with the girls.

You've learnt a hard lesson in all of this. FlowersWineCake

DarkNavyBlue · 28/02/2015 11:24

Lots of wives post on here about suspecting something but needing proof before they feel they can act. And it drives them mad.

I agree that you don't need to post details, though I would definitively say I had photos if she wants proof.

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 28/02/2015 13:40

if I was the wife I would want to know my dh was telling women he was a single dad that would be a deal breaker for me because he is obviously not as committed as she thinks he is.

Sausagerollers · 28/02/2015 14:07

Surely a quick "check out this dating website; your husband appears to be on it using the name XYZ" would suffice?

A spouse shouldn't be on a dating website unless agreed with their partner, so really that's all she needs to know, and then you can answer any questions she may have if she comes to you for further information (if she wants to divorce for adultury for example, she may want some proof of his cheating).