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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

wwyd if OH mean about one of your kids....

265 replies

whyowhy26 · 26/02/2015 11:22

my boyfriend stayed over last night and although we had a good night he has really upset me this morning
my daughter ( whos 2 ) woke up at 6:30am crying at the stairgate on her bedroom door and woke us both up....I'm fine with this as I get up at 7am anyway and he needed to be up at 7:30ish but I knew he would be moody she was crying so I put the light on in her bedroom and said she could read books quietly while I went to get dressed....bearing in mind she had been asleep since 7pm straight ( she normally wakes in night ) I was quite proud of her
anyway I went to get dressed commenting how cute she sounded reading a book to her teddies....He started going on at me that shes like a newborn ( ie so demanding and cries for what she wants ) has got me wrapped round her little finger, has no routine ( as wakes in night ) etc etc.....I don't know what to say he seems to pick up on every tantrum etc she has which is normal as she's 2!!! but apparently his son never did blah blah blah....just hurts as shes so sweet to him and feel like i need to say something to stand up for her... but what???? saying this is pretty standard 2 yr old behaviour doesn't work as his child/his mates children don't act like that apparently....

OP posts:
Jacana · 26/02/2015 15:18

Wot lunar said and remember that "no" is a complete sentence.

Big hug to your little girl and her teddiesSmile

Georgina1975 · 26/02/2015 15:20

Good for you...what a complete idiot.

There is NO WAY my DD would have played happily on her own in the morning at 2. Not now either and she is 5. Sounds to me like you and her are doing great.

Holdthepage · 26/02/2015 15:25

You are definitely not a bad mum, you have picked up that his behaviour is unacceptable towards a 2 year old & you are going to do something about it. Don't waste any more of your time & effort on him. You wouldn't have posted in the first place if you hadn't been unhappy with his comments.

Ratbagcatbag · 26/02/2015 15:28

I echo what everyone else has said. With regards to her ruling the roost, what he means is he isn't cebtre of the universe and you are considering someone else's needs first which is completely unacceptable in his world. He wants you to ignore your precious dd when she cries to teach her that you won't come. :(
My dd who's two has only just started sleeping through at all and can still throw us out by waking four times.
I hope you kick his sorry ass to the kerb later and please do not let him minimise. If he thinks you're on to him and he can't get around you, he could progress onto your dd if you give him another chance.

MrsJohnLewis · 26/02/2015 15:33

Cruel twat. Get rid.

Jan45 · 26/02/2015 15:36

I can tell you from my experience of step parenting that it was the hardest thing I had to endure in my life, and yes I felt I was enduring - my stepson drove me demented, I wasn't bad or cruel to him but I couldn't accept his behaviours no matter how hard I tried, some of us are just not cut out for it although your b/f sounds very OTT, your little girl sounds delightful - I am sure he's not a deliberate bully but he is showing you that he definitely is not cut out for being in a relationship with any woman who has a child or children, he also sounds extremely immature.

Jan45 · 26/02/2015 15:47

Can I just add my stepson was many years older than your little girl and had lots of behavioural issues from a crap upbringing so not really comparable.

Your b/f is still a shit is what I mean.

KellyElly · 26/02/2015 15:50

Taking your DD out of the equation, the fact that he twists things round to be your fault is reason enough to end things as that is abusive behaviour. Stay strong later!

Original poster
whyowhy26 · 26/02/2015 15:53

Thank you and yes I'll try to be strong....I do love him but I'm sat here thinking I'm not sure what I love as he's not that nice clearly! x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2015 15:55

They usually show their true colours around a year in and he is emotionally abusive to both you and your child. Red flags a plenty here whyohwhy:-

For a start he:-

  1. Digs at you about how your DD acts.
  2. Has previously suggested that your DD have behavioural issues
  3. He dislikes her intensely (because she is another man's child and he has to be the center of attention/your universe).
  4. Has a knack of minimising everything (unless it is something done to him)
  5. Makes you feel at times like you are overreacting or being stupid.

Keep any chat with him short and to the point. Tell him it is over and that is the end of this discussion. Do not give him further chances to twist your words and accuse you of supposed overreacting. I would have someone else with you if at all possible when you tell him it is over because such men like this one do not like to let go of their victims easily. He could well promise change, cry or punch walls.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2015 15:58

Your "love" for him is perhaps not love at all but instead a combination of co-dependency and low self esteem. I also think you were targeted by him; some abusive types do like single mothers to further bring down to their lowlife level.

Love your own self for a change and I would respectfully suggest you look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme as well.

trappedinsuburbia · 26/02/2015 15:58

If you think he'll try and talk you round, do it over the phone.
Keep it short and simple, along the lines of its just not working for you and you dont see a future together, dont get drawn into details or he WILL talk you round.
I think your doing absolutely the right thing, they are still babys at this age and she sounds perfectly normal.

NickiFury · 26/02/2015 15:59

What would I do? I'd have thrown his clothes at him and told him to get the fuck out Angry. However my twat radar is extremely finely tuned.

Do you have to chat? Can't you just text? That's what I would do.

Original poster
whyowhy26 · 26/02/2015 16:03

it will be over the phone....not in person so no need to have backup but id rather do it by phone as tbh I want to say what I want to say ( whether he listens or not ) about the reasons I want to end it not just this isnt working for me....hes never let me off lightly for any comment ive made thats annoyed him so just a text saying its over feels like I'm chickening out a bit if that makes sense?

OP posts:
chimchimini · 26/02/2015 16:05

I'm a coward, I'd tell him over the phone. I'd find face to face much harder. My DH twists everything, you lose all confidence in yourself when they start that little game.

NickiFury · 26/02/2015 16:06

I understand if you want to have your say but in my experience it seldom works out like that. The other person starts having a go and from what you say about him I don't think you'll get much of a chance to say what you want to without it being undermined and you ending up doubting yourself.

Original poster
whyowhy26 · 26/02/2015 16:30

@nicky....You're right hes exactly like that....I want to say something though as don't feel I stood up for my daughter enough earlier....Not sure what yet tho...

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 26/02/2015 16:32

Telling him its over is all you have to say. It really is and you'll feel much better for doing it that way than anything else.

LineRunner · 26/02/2015 16:33

What do you care how he might twist things when you are dumping him? Sod him. He's history.

You only care how you end things if you need to keep the peace because you, say, have children together. Which you don't. Thank goodness.

chocolatereindeer · 26/02/2015 16:34

Hi, just skimmed the thread. Well done you OP for sticking up for your lovely daughters, I really wish I'd been as strong as you when I first saw the signs of an abusive arse in ExP.

When you phone him you know he won't listen to the reasons... He'll twist things around and won't let you feel like you've been heard. You need to realise that having him to understand why you're leaving him isn't important. He won't change, or learn anything from this, there will be no great revelation on his part that he's an utter arse. That simply won't register because that's not how his mind works, his mind will be busy twisting things to protect his ego. I know it might make you feel better to tell him the reasons but really you just need to tell him it's over and cut off all contact with him.

You're a good mum by the way, I can tell by the way you talk about your DDs Smile also your littlest DD sounds like an angel compared to mine at that age!

LineRunner · 26/02/2015 16:35

Tell him, It's over. It's not working for me. And by the way, for the record, no-one ever treats my daughter like that, no ifs and buts. You blew it.This the end of us. I mean it. Goodbye.

Penguinsaresmall · 26/02/2015 16:38

Absolutely whatlinerunner said. Then end the conversation.

NickiFury · 26/02/2015 16:39

How about this:-

"Hi, how are you? Just to let you know I am calling you to tell you that you were a first class, bullying arsehole towards my daughter this morning, I should have said so at the time but better late than never, so on that basis, I am ending things with you, don't contact me again, goodbye"

Put down the phone. Takes about ten seconds and he won't be able to get a word in, job done Smile.

Nearasdammit · 26/02/2015 16:41

I'd text.

Ordinarily I wouldn't but:

He doesn't deserve consideration
He'll probably insist on meeting to talk it over and I worry you'll be talked round and
You can say what you need to without being interrupted or sidetracked.

Weebirdie · 26/02/2015 16:44

Nearasdammit - yes!

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