wwyd if OH mean about one of your kids....

[whyowhy26]

my boyfriend stayed over last night and although we had a good night he has really upset me this morning
my daughter ( whos 2 ) woke up at 6:30am crying at the stairgate on her bedroom door and woke us both up....I'm fine with this as I get up at 7am anyway and he needed to be up at 7:30ish but I knew he would be moody she was crying so I put the light on in her bedroom and said she could read books quietly while I went to get dressed....bearing in mind she had been asleep since 7pm straight ( she normally wakes in night ) I was quite proud of her
anyway I went to get dressed commenting how cute she sounded reading a book to her teddies....He started going on at me that shes like a newborn ( ie so demanding and cries for what she wants ) has got me wrapped round her little finger, has no routine ( as wakes in night ) etc etc.....I don't know what to say he seems to pick up on every tantrum etc she has which is normal as she's 2!!! but apparently his son never did blah blah blah....just hurts as shes so sweet to him and feel like i need to say something to stand up for her... but what???? saying this is pretty standard 2 yr old behaviour doesn't work as his child/his mates children don't act like that apparently....

Yup it's awful, he is awful but you are rather fab.

There is NO POINT to a partner unless they are wonderful, that is their role. They make you feel better, more beautiful, more confident, better supported... This is the minimum standard.

Well done you are out and so is your family:)

OP that list shows that the whole relationship was on his terms, and was all about him and his needs.

Any instead of open and honest communication when anything was wrong, you were effectively told to shut the fuck up.

Imagine it was your daughter in a relationship with a similar man when she is an adult. Would you consider him good enough? Of course not. That should tell you all you need to know.

Yes, all that stuff you listed sounds like the behaviour of a controlling partner to me. It's abusive to make fun of you to make you feel small or worthless or ugly (eg your opinion doesn't matter, making you doubt yourself, making you feel unattractive) they do it because it makes them feel like the bigger person. I agree with what YIKEA said - that is exactly what a relationship should look like, it is sad that so many of us at some point don't realise that we deserve this happiness.

In answer to your question I recognise that behaviour as abusive from being on the receiving end of it for many years. I've also witnessed close family members in similar relationships to yours. It's surprisingly and depressingly common. I think we're all pleasantly surprised at how strong you are, recognising the signs and getting away from him now. I know can only speak for myself but presume the same can be said for lots of other women - we probably hung around far too long, ignoring or making excuses for these warning behaviours. You've done what we all wished we had done by breaking free early right away.

It is hard in those first few weeks and months, and easy to make excuses for him and wonder where it all went wrong. You need to stay firm, knowing you have made the right decision for yourself and DC

Err, the bit about agreeing with YIKEA should be a separate paragraph, the stuff listed in my first paragraph is exactly what a relationship should NOT be! That'll teach me to build lego models while on MN!

The more you talk about this man, the worse he sounds.

You were absolutely right to dump him. Good for you. Hold on to that fact.

You were in an abusive relationship OP, it took him turning his malicious comments onto your 2 year old for you to draw the line. Well done, this behaviour would only have escalated.

Hope you are treating yourself and your girls to forget about him. Box of choccies and a movie, some flowers for you, a haircut. Celebrate your strength, you've done really well this week!

All of the things you listed are emotionally abusive and controlling. You need to block him from your phone and all social media and completely disengage. He sounds like the sort that will try to suck you back in as he needs to feed off your insecurity to make him feel good. He's a really toxic person. Don't ever let him into your life again. You deserve so much better. To be alone forever would be better than being with someone like that x

May be an idea to delete/block him Op if you're worried about texting him?

Here is the main reason I don't think you should text him (or interact with him in any way). WTF should you give him the benefit of your knowledge now you are so aware of his shortcomings? He won't listen to you anyway and will probably use some term to get you to shut your rap (leaving you nowhere to go and making him feel superior) and it's only when he has been dumped for the umpteenth time that he may (just may) start to realise that there is something amiss in his interactions with women. You would get absolutely nowhere trying to educate this total knob head, just more frustration for you. See him as a dickhead shaped bullet dodged and move on. No problem with venting though, you are suddenly realising what a tosser he is, we have all been there at some point!

....and it's only when he has been dumped for the umpteenth time that he may (just may) start to realise that there is something amiss in his interactions with women......

That's being unduly hopeful. Myself, I think they go through their entire lives believing that the world is largely populated by stupid people and that they're just desperately unlucky in not being 'properly' appreciated.

He sounds like an awful narcissistic person. There is no way that relationship could have been salvaged, he would have become more nasty over time. I'm sure you'll miss him, you were attached to him and it takes time for that to go away but you've absolutely done the right thing for yourself and your daughters. Obviously you're stronger than you think.

How are things OP?

Good for you, OP. Now that you've re-read the list you've written, are you realising it's not love?

Ptumbi, this list made me laugh out loud, particularly the sudden illness.

It is, of course, the routine - nice, nice, nasty, NASTY, threats, cajole, nice, you're mad you are, nasty, sudden illness....

"There is NO POINT to a partner unless they are wonderful, that is their role."

I like this Yil, it's not that
He's wonderful...
... Deep down
... Underneath it all
... On a good day
... Occasionally
... On high days & holidays
... But I can't rely on him being even basically normal when it counts
... In my memory, & that keeps me going
... And I'm hoping one day it happens again

Everyday life should be wonderful, content in the little things that happen in everyday life. Not big gestures, or when the stars align.

And partners shouldn't need excuses, or special understanding, or mitigating circumstances. If you're living in that world of excuses, then something is very wrong.

Keep strong and stay away.