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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

wwyd if OH mean about one of your kids....

265 replies

whyowhy26 · 26/02/2015 11:22

my boyfriend stayed over last night and although we had a good night he has really upset me this morning
my daughter ( whos 2 ) woke up at 6:30am crying at the stairgate on her bedroom door and woke us both up....I'm fine with this as I get up at 7am anyway and he needed to be up at 7:30ish but I knew he would be moody she was crying so I put the light on in her bedroom and said she could read books quietly while I went to get dressed....bearing in mind she had been asleep since 7pm straight ( she normally wakes in night ) I was quite proud of her
anyway I went to get dressed commenting how cute she sounded reading a book to her teddies....He started going on at me that shes like a newborn ( ie so demanding and cries for what she wants ) has got me wrapped round her little finger, has no routine ( as wakes in night ) etc etc.....I don't know what to say he seems to pick up on every tantrum etc she has which is normal as she's 2!!! but apparently his son never did blah blah blah....just hurts as shes so sweet to him and feel like i need to say something to stand up for her... but what???? saying this is pretty standard 2 yr old behaviour doesn't work as his child/his mates children don't act like that apparently....

OP posts:
Joyfulldeathsquad · 26/02/2015 12:02

He is drip drip dripping poison in to your ear about your children. Little remarks here and there. Don't fool yourself your kids won't be aware of this, children are very astute.

This man has the hallmarks of an abusive arsehole. Wake up!

ElsaOfEmmerdale · 26/02/2015 12:03

My BF has kids and I am pretty sure we might do certain things differently. There are bound to be times that he might think "well I wouldn't have done that" or "I'd do that" but he would never say.

Why on earth does this man think he has the right to question your parenting. And all your work colleague's parenting?

Are you planning on moving in together in the future?

TwinkleDust · 26/02/2015 12:03

Your poor little girl. He won't improve, you do realise that? Get rid now.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 26/02/2015 12:03

Oh man I hate threads like this.

OP, when you are dating as a lone parent you need to be incredibly sure that you are keeping the kids interests at the very most forefront of your mind. Someone who makes comments like this only a year into the relationship, when he should be making efforts to make the best impression he can, is only going to get more critical as time goes on. You need to chose a partner for all of you, that is, someone who can be a great coparent with you as well as a good partner. This guy doesn't show that he likes and respects your DD. He's being really out of line with these comments. I'm a lone parent and I wouldn't spend another minute with a man who made those kinds of comments about my children. I'd defend them, and protect them by getting rid of him.

There are thousands of men out there. Please don't waste your time on this one. It won't get better and your DD will pick up on his opinion of her. You dont want that, you really don't.

Joyfulldeathsquad · 26/02/2015 12:04

Being woke up by a child makes a grown man 'moody'? - wow. And your pandering to it....

PatriciaHolm · 26/02/2015 12:05

Seriously? You've been listening to this twat insult and be rude about your lovely DD for a YEAR? How can you stay with someone who clearly dislikes one of your children and disapproves of your parenting?

Your poor DD.

theworkofsatan · 26/02/2015 12:06

It seems from the OP and subsequent posts that he is taking every opportunity he can to run this child down. The OP should get rid immediately. No child needs that shit in her/his life.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/02/2015 12:07

I'm sorry you're buying his crop and calling your own child names like 'bolshie'. All little children want attention and a lot of them are pretty lively. Love them for their personality rather than trying to modify them to keep some horrible man sweet.

Sark · 26/02/2015 12:08

Ditto what twinkledust and everyone else said. Be true to yourself You know too. Put your two year old first now and for years to come.

cozietoesie · 26/02/2015 12:08

He won't improve and is likely to get much worse - including with you.

Finish with him directly.

Quitelikely · 26/02/2015 12:09

I am pleased you have the mothering instinct that you somehow need to protect your daughter. It is bang on.

When he criticises her behaviour say 'please don't say that about dd', 'please don't compare my dd to your son, all children are different'
'Actually I find your comments regarding her behaviour quite hurtful'

His behaviour is IMO quite abusive, he is expecting your lovely dd to behave in a way that is totally inappropriate to her age. She can't act the way he wants because she's only two. Still a baby in lots of ways, still needs her mummy, still needs nurturing etc.

He doesn't like her demanding your time and attention because he wants it all and therefore tries to make out that she is a bad child.

Please don't listen to him. Don't leave him alone with her either.

Remember this: we have a choice who we bring into our childrens life, they don't. They just have to put up with it.

That's why it's vital that is as mums make good choices as to who are role models for our children when starting new relationships.

Your new mantra: please don't say nasty things about my dd.

Him: blah blah

You: please don't say nasty things about my daughter.

Repeat. Repeat.

If you need to keep repeating then I'm afraid you need to consider a future that doesn't involve him.

Good luck.

elastamum · 26/02/2015 12:12

Please, please think of your children and get rid of this poisonous man. They only have one childhood and he is going to make it a misery for them and for you.

You know it isn't right, you just need to ditch him. Sorry Sad

Holdthepage · 26/02/2015 12:13

Your DD is 2 & he is already putting her down & comparing her unfavourably with his own son. How do you think this will play out OP if you stay with him? Do you think he will have a personality transplant & suddenly see how cute & adorable she is, like you do, or do you think he will carry on criticising her & picking on her?

Imagine him moving in & moaning about her constantly, is that what you would want for her?

MaryWestmacott · 26/02/2015 12:14

OP - he sounds a twat, get rid, or not allow him to be around your DCs - he's not good 'step dad' material, so you can only see him outside the house without the children. If that's not practical, then you need to end your relationship with him.

There's nothing wrong with having fun with a man who'd make a terrible parent (as insulting your DCs shows), but there's a lot wrong with inflicting that on your DCs. If you really love him, then that's your choice, but personally I don't think I could love a man who's clearly not suited to being part of my family.

Put DCs first, he's no longer part of their lives, decide if you want him part of yours.

Weebirdie · 26/02/2015 12:19

Oh do tell him to F off.

You're the only mother your little girl will ever have an no man is worth coming between you.

Vivacia · 26/02/2015 12:27

hes not horrible to her just digs at me about how she acts...She is a very strong willed little girl

Don't worry, he'll soon bash that out of her.

KellyElly · 26/02/2015 12:30

Of course one of your children is different in personality to the other. Children aren't clones ffs. Two year olds don't have behavioural problems because they are attention seeking when you are on the phone! My five year old still does that from time to time. I ask again,what are you going to do about the way he is running your daughter down to you? Is a relationship more important than your children?

KellyElly · 26/02/2015 12:31

Oh, and there's nothing wrong with being strong willed btw.

YiIKEA · 26/02/2015 12:36

Op you are kidding yourself if you think he is ok- he is toxi for both of you.

TheGirlInTheGlass · 26/02/2015 12:37

Hear, hear, Vivacia.

OP - He's a jealous little git, whose attitude towards your kids will only get worse. He likes the compliant one but not the demanding one? Really?
Fuck him off, pronto, the beastly little cunt.

NB. I hate that word. I truly despise it, and have only used it a handful of times in my life. But having seen people in similar situations with their own kids, let alone 'inherited' ones? LTB.

MrsKitty · 26/02/2015 12:41

Please put your lovely sounding DD's feelings, self esteem and emotional well being in the long term first, and tell this wanker of a man to fuck off. Please.

MrsKitty · 26/02/2015 12:44

And yes, she DID do a fantastic job of sleeping through and should be rewarded with a bucketful of attention and cuddles, not be left with the feeling that it wasn't quite good enough.

Aquilla · 26/02/2015 12:48

Please, please, please don't stay with this man. He sounds exactly like my stepfather and the beginning of ten years of misery. I was 3.5 and this is how he used to go on about me. I had to move out when I was 13 but left my three little half siblings behind. Please put your child first. My mum didn't and I will probably never forgive her for that.

operaha · 26/02/2015 12:54

please listen to the advice here.
I speak from experience, he sounds like my ex, and even though we broke up two years ago, my children still behave in ways that are his doing, like worrying they'll be in trouble if they don't finish their dinner etc.... Just horrid.

AdoraBell · 26/02/2015 13:04

She hears every word when he "just digs" at you about her, and she knows that she is the subject of his digs. She just can't articulate it yet. But it will have an impact on her self esteem and self worth when she is an adult. She'll quite likey Choose an abusive man herself because that is what she sees as being normal.

He can see that she shouldn't be left bored in a dark bedroom after sleeping all night. He doesn't want To see it because he is a selfish prick who doesn't actually want a child getting in the way of his relationship. Never mind your relationship with him, that doesn't matter, it's about him.

Tell him To sling his hook and Fuck of back to his perfect Life filled with perfect children. BTW, How often does his son stay with him? And on the visits is he happy and content or worried about keeping Daddy happy?

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