DH uninterested in sex for years. Loves porn. WTAF? Is he having an affair? So ***king angry.

[FallsAsleep]

DH and I have been together about 10 years. From 30 to 40. Done having kids now, we have 3.

When we first met we had sex 4-5 times a week. Never more than once in a night. The first time I've had a BF that seemed to be able to 'take it or leave it' about sex but he was often "too tired" for a morning session or again later in the night, and everything else in our relationship was wonderful so I ignored it.

When I did push him to do it, he was so kind of 'heavy' as though he was struggling to stay awake, and it was all too much effort, that I gave up trying.

He was interested in having sex when I've been pregnant. I think he likes me bigger with a big bum and boobs. I mention this because he also has a porn addiction (watching women with big butts being shagged from behind). That's what turns him on it appears. When I am not pregnant I am a slim size 8-10. He has had counselling for the porn and no longer watches it.

In between trying for babies we have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a year. At the moment it has been over a year.

I don't particularly enjoy sex with him because he doesn't touch me or run his hands over my skin. Sorry if TMI, but I don't feel 'desired' by him. He seems to have no idea what turns me on she touching me down there. But the real problem is, he doesn't seem to want to know either. The least amount of effort he can out in, he will. It's so depressing writing this down.

I used to make an effort in bed to turn him on. I don't feel like bothering anymore when we do have sex because I know he can't be bothered to try and make me orgasm. He is the only man I've been with who doesn't seem to get turned on by seeing me turned on.

Is he having an affair?? He travels every month for work, it's definitely doable for him and I would have no way of knowing.

Is he asexual? Is he gay?

I am laying in bed next to him, waiting for him to fall asleep so I can run my hands over my own body!!! I need him to do that but he doesn't.

When he cuddles me, he never slips his hands under my clothes to touch my skin. Is that weird or am I being weird needing that so much?

He does make an effort to kiss and cuddle me when he comes home from work but always in front of the kids (not sexually, just affectionately). When the kids are in bed he falls asleep or watches TV. It's almost as if it's 'safe' for him to kiss me when the kids are there as he knows it can't lead to anything.

I cuddle into him at night, he never comes to me for a cuddle. I lay there with his arms heavy like a weight on me, like it's a chore for him. He never glides his hands over me or actually cuddles me.

I need sex. I am desperate. I want to go out an have passionate sex with someone I have just met. Or an ex BF. Anyone who actually wants me rather than just going through the motions like my DH does.

What is his fucking problem? I am not unnactractive. I used to have guys queuing up to date me. It's like sex is too much fucking effort for him. I am so frustrated and resentful. Sorry this is so long. I needed a massive rant.

Ah actually, I can't be arsed, Sukie, you're too thick to even bother arguing with.

Shez, as I said before, good for you for sorting out your issues, your solutions wouldn't be for everyone(!) but compromise, mutual love and affection is what it's all about.

OP...sorry.

In the early years porn played a minimal role. Kids growing up etc.. But now in our mid forties that original spark wasn't there. So porn helps.Toys are getting better and easier than ever to access. I knew that in our marriage sex really helped to get us closer, but due to my ED I couldn't achieve that happiness for her in the conventional way. Now what turns me on is to see Her turned on and vice versa

This popcorn tastes sad

Ha ha Sukie you're hilarious! ROFL!

Thank you for your support John and Christina.

My confidence may be low but I haven't lowered myself to your level so my self-esteem is exactly where it should be. It is possible to know you are good in bed and attractive without getting it at any cost you know.

Back2... I don't consider myself a 'sex expert' but I do have a medical background and have worked with couples experiencing sexual problems. So yes, I do feel I have more knowledge and experience than the average person posting here.
I am not saying I have the correct answers for OP. None of us can claim that. I simply put forward different theories that might explain his behaviour, and made various suggestions.
There are a lot of very negative attitudes on here... the majority think OP should leave him, without trying to fix anything or even getting to the root cause. People are quick to accuse him of having an affair, being addicted to porn again, being selfish, not loving her etc. Do you think that's constructive? Do you think it will make her feel any better?

She's already worried, upset, confused, vulnerable. There's a fine line between expressing empathy and deliberate scaremongering.

Yesterday eve OP posted to say she wants to try and fix the problem and stated she nolonger thinks he's having an affair. Instead of supporting her and offering helpful advice about fixing it, many posters tried to convince her she was wrong! OP was advised to leave him, find someone better, told there was no hope etc. And posters still keep re-hashing his 'suspicious behaviour'.

People need to get this situation in perspective! From the information we have, this is not a man who is beating his wife, psychologically abusive, addicted to alcohol, drugs or doing anything that is intended to harm her. He has just lost interest in sex and won't discuss it. Yes, this is causing OP distress and frustration. I agree he needs to do something about it.
Whatever OP decides to do and how she goes about fixing it is her decision... but give her some credit for trying to save her marriage!

Sukie your comments to untouchable are absolutely disgusting. They are misogynist woman hating comments.

JF Ruskin i got called a man hater on this thread too. We only need a third poster to get called the same thing and we have the hat trick!

Untouchable

Well there you go folks Apparently we women should just be grateful that a man doesnt hit us.

www.welshwomensaid.org.uk/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=57&Itemid=126

From the link.

Sexual abuse includes:

· Rape

· Forcing someone into sexual activities against their will (for example when they say no, are ill or tired)

· Using objects violently during sex

· Forcing someone to have sex with another person when they do not wish to

· Sharing sexual stories or images about you without your consent

· Calling you sexual or derogatory names

· Withholding sex or affection

· Forcing someone to perform sexual acts in front of others when they do not want to

· Forcing someone to mimic pornography

· Forcing someone to be photographed or filmed during sex / whilst sexual abuse is taking place

· Forcing someone to watch or look at pornography.

Sukie, it worries me that you claim to have a medical background and to have worked with couples experiencing sexual problems.

Your attitude seems completely at odds with that. You don't just have an opinion to offer as you claim, you are defensive (and ironically accusing others of having chips on their shoulders) and rude for the sake of rudeness.

It doesn't sound as if OP is even remotely at risk of not trying her best to make the relationship work, quite the opposite.

temporaryusername Thu 26-Feb-15 15:29:59
"Sukie, it worries me that you claim to have a medical background and to have worked with couples experiencing sexual problems"

IF she does it wouldnt surprise me actually. Ive been on MN for 3 and a half years and have seen many threads where a "counsellor" has basically told the woman in the relationship to put up and shut up. A relationship counsellors goal is to keep the relationship together. Which is why counselling is not recommended in cases of abuse.

Ah, so now she has decided what careers and experience we all have

So we need to be grateful that a man isn't hitting us and can bring himself to have sex with us rather than wanking to porn (but only if we change and follow the list)

Fuck me, if this is what I've got to look forward to in the next decade or two I'd like a refund please!

(Sukie)
'Her husband's only real crime is lack of enthusiasm for sex and not talking it through with her.'

Do you have any idea at all what this might do to a woman?

The fact you think this is no big deal shows how little you understand of what the OP is going through. I don't know why you can't understand what might be going through the OP's head wrt the lipstick incident. The fact that a reasonable explanation was offered is so far off the point it is laughable.

And you keep on ignoring the fact that he has stated to her face that he prefers porn. Why do you keep on ignoring the porn and denying its impact here?

You seem completely unable to grasp that people and their bodies are one and the same. Your body shape and tight skin are you, not a separate being or some product you offer for your partner's delectation. What you report about your partner expressing his preference for what you 'bring to the table' as if he were some sort of connoisseur of the female body would have the majority of women running for the hills. To each his own, and all that, but separating head, heart and physical characteristics the way you and your partner have managed to do is not healthy. "The original poster ...wants her husband to touch her with desire, to think about her pleasure and value it, to make her feel wanted and loved." (Seabream) How could you possibly not understand this?

'LOL' at your claim to have worked with couples with sexual problems. There was me thinking you might be a teenage boy..

Shez, this man has told her to her face that he finds porn easier and he is not bothered at all that this leaves her out in the cold. Apparently it is easier on him not to bother with honest communication either and he puts his own ease ahead of her right to know what is going on, how he feels about her, and how they stand as a couple. He is not just lazy but selfish too, and with an attitude that sex is a commodity that he (1) is entitled to and (2) can therefore just take for himself the easiest way he can get it.

He is callous to the OP because he thinks he can dictate to her how she expresses her sexuality (i.e. she won't) without any discussion or explanation or reassurance of his love and respect and and acknowledgement of the fact that she has needs - he knows this because she has told him and shown him but he has dismissed it. It is not 'just boredom'. It is utter self absorption.

I think porn has done a number on you both sexually and in terms of your ability to be objective. It is always interesting to me to note how people who use porn extrapolate from their own experience that 'the majority of men' do, and that regularly watching women being exploited for profit is a benign and a life enhancing activity. It certainly seems to have affected your sense of propriety and whatever boundaries you may have had - you should not have posted details of your wife's sex life here.

If you had really changed you would not have glossed over whatever misery your wife went through until you started to value the mutuality of sex.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

To self opinionated naive knobs.

Do I think it's constructive to tell her it's not her, it's him?
Do I think it's constructive to tell her she can either look forward to spending the rest of her life wishing he was a different man or cut her losses and find that different man?

Yes and Yes.

Ha, think I have just worked out who Sukie is on another thread where she/he is pretending that she is a pharmasist and is offering the advice of giving Viagra to someone who's medical history has not been stated.

I won't tell you my profession Sukie, I can clearly state here that you are in fact lying and know nothing about the professions that you claim to be, none of them.

I realise you probably got most of your ideas from 50 shades of shite but I can tell you one thing, I attempted to read that shite and it was the most 'vanilla' description of eroticism I can imagine. Nothing erotic about it at all, just abuse...but then that seems to be ok with you. counsellor, my arse!

Right back atcha Dove

OP, I hope you are listening to the correct advise on here? Don't let the Stepfords grind you down.

Untouchable... I'm neither a pharmacist nor relationship counsellor, and I won't reveal my professional title here... but no, I haven't posted on a thread about Viagra (!)

Math.... no I don't consider your advice to OP constructive at all. And I think your post to Shez is very unpleasant. It comes across as vindictive, childish and rather silly. Why shouldn't he post about his sex life to try and help OP (he is anonymous after all). He offered a different point of view, a new perspective, and like others who did the same, was swiftly crushed and belittled by those unable to think outside the box.

Temp... I don't intend to come across as defensive. I'm just baffled by the attitude of the majority on here, to label OPs husband as 'abusive' and tell her to leave. People are blowing it way out of proportion. They are being melodramatic, making paranoid assumptions and giving advice based on emotion rather than analysing what the OP has described. Anyone who dares offer a different theory or more constructive advice gets labelled a 'misogynist'! Oh dear. How broad-minded.
Interesting you think I was rude to Untouchable. I was merely being sarcastic (in response to her arrogant post in which she blamed her husband for not finding her 'shit-hot in bed' or 'drooling' over her like men in the street.)
In contrast there has been a lot of name-calling, nasty comments, personal attacks and aggressive bad language on here. This says more about some posters' upbringing and level of education than anything else.

OP... good luck and don't let their biased opinions dent your confidence. You know your husband better than anyone on here and I'm sure you'll make whichever decision is right for you and your family.

He can post about his sex life to his little heart's content if it consists of wanking to porn all on his lonesome, but hard as this may be for you to wrap your head around, his wife is a separate person, and describing what he does to her and her response, and how wet she gets when they look at porn together is in fact describing her sex life.

He has massively crossed a line but you don't seem to appreciate that because it is clear here that to you women are pretty much inflatable fuck dolls, only warmer and smelling less of vinyl.

'Interesting you think I was rude to Untouchable. I was merely being sarcastic'
Oh how rich..

Admit it, your professional title is Lorry Driver.

Oh sarcasm, that's what is was?! And here was me thinking she was trying to teach her Grandma how to suck love eggs.