DH uninterested in sex for years. Loves porn. WTAF? Is he having an affair? So ***king angry.

[FallsAsleep]

DH and I have been together about 10 years. From 30 to 40. Done having kids now, we have 3.

When we first met we had sex 4-5 times a week. Never more than once in a night. The first time I've had a BF that seemed to be able to 'take it or leave it' about sex but he was often "too tired" for a morning session or again later in the night, and everything else in our relationship was wonderful so I ignored it.

When I did push him to do it, he was so kind of 'heavy' as though he was struggling to stay awake, and it was all too much effort, that I gave up trying.

He was interested in having sex when I've been pregnant. I think he likes me bigger with a big bum and boobs. I mention this because he also has a porn addiction (watching women with big butts being shagged from behind). That's what turns him on it appears. When I am not pregnant I am a slim size 8-10. He has had counselling for the porn and no longer watches it.

In between trying for babies we have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a year. At the moment it has been over a year.

I don't particularly enjoy sex with him because he doesn't touch me or run his hands over my skin. Sorry if TMI, but I don't feel 'desired' by him. He seems to have no idea what turns me on she touching me down there. But the real problem is, he doesn't seem to want to know either. The least amount of effort he can out in, he will. It's so depressing writing this down.

I used to make an effort in bed to turn him on. I don't feel like bothering anymore when we do have sex because I know he can't be bothered to try and make me orgasm. He is the only man I've been with who doesn't seem to get turned on by seeing me turned on.

Is he having an affair?? He travels every month for work, it's definitely doable for him and I would have no way of knowing.

Is he asexual? Is he gay?

I am laying in bed next to him, waiting for him to fall asleep so I can run my hands over my own body!!! I need him to do that but he doesn't.

When he cuddles me, he never slips his hands under my clothes to touch my skin. Is that weird or am I being weird needing that so much?

He does make an effort to kiss and cuddle me when he comes home from work but always in front of the kids (not sexually, just affectionately). When the kids are in bed he falls asleep or watches TV. It's almost as if it's 'safe' for him to kiss me when the kids are there as he knows it can't lead to anything.

I cuddle into him at night, he never comes to me for a cuddle. I lay there with his arms heavy like a weight on me, like it's a chore for him. He never glides his hands over me or actually cuddles me.

I need sex. I am desperate. I want to go out an have passionate sex with someone I have just met. Or an ex BF. Anyone who actually wants me rather than just going through the motions like my DH does.

What is his fucking problem? I am not unnactractive. I used to have guys queuing up to date me. It's like sex is too much fucking effort for him. I am so frustrated and resentful. Sorry this is so long. I needed a massive rant.

you seem very anti-men.

You what? Show me the evidence.

This thread have hit a raw nerve

Your postings have. I find your posts quite shocking in their idiocy.
I don't know who you think you are talking to. But you keep coming out with these banal blanket statements as though you are the first person to come up with them.

You have sexual frustration

Er, you do know that this is the typical misogynists line, right?

I'm not sexually frustrated either - It seems from this thread that I am actually extraordinarily lucky to have a man who doesn't find it too boring to fuck me - despite the fact that I am slim, over 40, and three children. Go-me!!

I feel sorry for this op that she has to live with someone who treats her so badly. I feel even sorrier that she has to hear you making these bizarre excuses for him.

MUST. NOT. ENGAGE. WITH. THREAD-NUMPTY.

To johnfarleysruskin..over 40 and slim. So you think if you were fat you wouldn't get regular sex?.. Good for you if your husband still finds intercourse satisfying.. But have you been married for 24 years?..intercourse is not the only way to have sex & I bet most women can't achieve orgasm that way as the man has climaxed and finished way before then

Christiana... I was asking why you perceive toys as mechanical and distant not condemning your opinion. If you have no experience of using them I suggest you refrain from making negative judgements.

I have already given my theory about the phone, bank account, lipstick on collar etc... I guess you missed that post so I'll say it again. I have a work phone that I use when I'm on-call, I also have a bank account separate from our joint-account and I often travel for work. I also have a work laptop I bring home, that is password-protected for data security. I am not having an affair nor should this be considered suspicious behaviour! Re lipstick on collar it was an isolated incident with a plausible explanation- it once happened to my partner right in front of me when my friend hugged him in greeting! There is no hard evidence to suggest OPs husband is unfaithful and I think it's cruel and manipulative when posters try to make her even more worried and suspicious!

JohnF... 'Affairs have nothing to do with not fancying your partner' LOL where did you find that piece of evidence? Where do your childish assumptions and arguments come from if not from personal experience and deep-seated resentment? It's clear you don't know very much about relationships, sexuality, psychology (or human behaviour for that matter) so I take your very biased opinions with a pinch of salt.

Some of the attitudes expressed here are baffling.

Sukie, has it occurred to you that when a couple has committed to each other, part of that commitment involves mutual respect, love and the physical expressions of these things, unless both parties mutually agree to something different. It is basically opting out of the partnership for one member to decide (unilaterally), that they are not attracted, bored, or can't be bothered, or too interested in porn, to address the needs of their partner. The responsibility does not fall on the person who is upholding their side of the bargain to somehow "make it right" - by dressing up like some sort of sex doll, or changing their body, or introducing things like "toys" to the bedroom. The original poster clearly does not want a sex toy to penetrate her body. She wants her husband to touch her with desire, to think about her pleasure and value it, to make her feel wanted and loved.

Internet pornography is a scourge of modern relationships. It is so easily accessed, and that ease of access normalises it in a lot of people's minds. But what is viewable now is so much more extreme that the kind of stuff people had to seek out in the past. It fosters an environment of secrecy and entitlement in relationships. It cancels out the mutuality of sexual experience that is part of the joy of long term coupling. And it ruins happiness.

seabream

Spot on, an excellent post

Just to clarify SUkie, having an opinion on what is right for me is a negative judgement???? However you saying to john that she is a man hater and you have hit a raw nerve are informed opinions?

Could you also please identify where I have said that ops dh is having an affair?

I mentioned slim, only because as anyone who has been following the thread knows, Sukie has been going on and on about how body shape affects desire and how her own DH does not fancy her as much at a size 8. It is...as you say..entirely irrelevant.

Shez, I think I was quite nice to you under the circumstances. Even though you didn't answer what made you realise that you couldn't go on in that way and you didn't answer what your wife was doing all those years you were ignoring her or fobbing her off. But then you seem to think a married woman who has an orgasm should count herself lucky so I don't think we are on the same wavelength at all.

I'm still waiting to see what makes me anti-men. This is going to be some fascinating stuff from Sukie our resident psychologist.

Lol

Seabream... I understand your reservations about porn, but I think it's a sweeping generalisation to say it 'cancels out the mutuality of sexual experience' and 'ruins happiness'. This may happen in some isolated cases or when it becomes an addiction. But many happy couples use it as a tool to enhance a sex-life that is already very loving and fulfilling. As Shez pointed out, it gets his wife very excited and in the mood. It's not exclusively aimed at men. How is porn different from watching erotic sex scenes in a film or getting aroused over an erotic novel? For many porn is an aphrodisiac, not a secret or a problem.

I agree that mutual respect, love, touch, pleasing your partner are important. So is sex. It is sexual contact OP's husband has opted out of (not the other things) and OP doesn't know why. It's judgemental and unfair of posters to assume he's deliberately trying to make her unhappy or doesn't love or care about her, or blame it on porn. He might be genuinely unable to sustain an erection and be too ashamed to broach it. It's easy for a women to fake sexual desire to please/satisfy a man, but for a man it's impossible to hide it! Which could explain why he avoids sexual contact altogether. It's worth ruling this out before leaping to conclusions.

JohnF... you have been rude, disrespectful and dismissive to Shez. He openly shared his personal experience and sensitive information, and it's evident he does everything in his power to please and satisfy his wife in bed. Yet you still try to ridicule him and accuse him of things like 'ignoring and fobbing off' his wife for years. You completely fail to see his poin of view, just as refuse to look at OP's husband's situation from anything other than your own warped viewpoint. This is why I think you have a lot of resentment and anger towards men.

Yeah yeah Sukie we get it! It's a woman's fault if her husband never touches her, or wants sex with her, and wanks obsessively to porn. Clearly, she is not right the body shape and is boring in bed. If only she would watch a bit of porn to learn some new moves or start using sex toys! Honestly do women not know this?

God forbid Sukie you ever hit forty, or change body shape or go on to have 2 or more children. And if you do I really hope you can still spice things up in the bedroom for your poor, poor hubby. Wouldn't want him off wanking to other firmer, curvier women would we?

Sorry for derailment op, but the bloody idiots on here are getting to me!

Oh God.

Shez writes I was doing exactly the same thing as DH in OP.. By realised I as wrong and needed to change.

So exactly the same thing as the DH? Ignoring his wife's desires, not touching her, not being interested in her for years. Do you understand that, Sukie. This is what the OP's DH is doing, and this is what Shez himself says he was doing.

He says he realised he was wrong - I don't know what made him realise - so he changed. I'm quite sorry for Shez that he can't make love to his wife because of a long-running porn addiction - but even more sorry for his wife - but it seems together they have arrived at a mutually satisfying solution. All kudos to him for making that change.

Do you know I'm not particularily keen on men who prefer to wank themselves into oblivion over images of other women while leaving their wives to feel undesirable, crying in bed? I'm not that keen on men who find anything that isn't porn 'boring'. But fortunately most men - ime - aren't like that.

Ho hum

I bloody hope not John.

The ignorance shown by some posters is gobsmacking. I love the assumption that the neglected wife is shit in bed or out of shape. I am the exact opposite of that, I am happy to say that I am shit hot in bed and hope a body that makes many a man drool when I walk past when I can convince myself that I am still attractive I will do it again. I don't think the image of some young girl being abused for money is sexier than what I can offer but my H still isn't interested, he prefers the porn. Lazy, inconsiderate and selfish. The OP is probably very much the same.

Some of us are not happy with crumbs.

untouchable

Good on you

[ wine]

And

Johnfarleysruskin- I think you'll find most men ARE like that. It's just most men do view porn in private & I share the experience. Porn is helpful to kickstart a faultering sex life as it did mine.
The key is to take the positives from porn such as new ideas and relate them to your partner. When I'm wanking my wife is the object of my desires so u don't see anything wrong with it

Sorry Shez, I've had plenty of relationships, and I can tell you most men are able to get an erection and ejaculate in their partners. You are in a minority, mate.

Untouchable... maybe you're not as 'shit hot in bed' as you think you are ROFL
It's a shame the 'body that makes many a man drool when I walk past' does not have the same affect on your H. Not to worry, it must be porn's fault. Or your H's selfishness, laziness. How inconsiderate of him not to find you as attractive as you find yourself! Perhaps your attitude has something to do with it?

Plenty of short term relationships. Tell me again when you've been with the same partner for even 15 years then you can make a judgement on me

sukie

You are completely out of order and have really shown your true colors

Disgusting comments to untouchable

What a complete cunt you are.

ROFL.

JohnR... He's not in the minority. At least 50% of men between age 40-70 experience erection problems from time to time. Look up the statistics if you don't believe me.

Long term relationships. I am old.

You said MOST MEN prefer to wank themselves into oblivion over images of other women while leaving their wives to feel undesirable, crying in bed, and MOST MEN find sex without porn boring.

I'm saying that's not true.

Of course many men have erection problems and ejaculation problems, - sigh - the OP's however come from his stated porn use where he finds everything else boring.

So Sukie and Shez, lets be clear. Your position is MOST men prefer porn to real life women?