DH uninterested in sex for years. Loves porn. WTAF? Is he having an affair? So ***king angry.

[FallsAsleep]

DH and I have been together about 10 years. From 30 to 40. Done having kids now, we have 3.

When we first met we had sex 4-5 times a week. Never more than once in a night. The first time I've had a BF that seemed to be able to 'take it or leave it' about sex but he was often "too tired" for a morning session or again later in the night, and everything else in our relationship was wonderful so I ignored it.

When I did push him to do it, he was so kind of 'heavy' as though he was struggling to stay awake, and it was all too much effort, that I gave up trying.

He was interested in having sex when I've been pregnant. I think he likes me bigger with a big bum and boobs. I mention this because he also has a porn addiction (watching women with big butts being shagged from behind). That's what turns him on it appears. When I am not pregnant I am a slim size 8-10. He has had counselling for the porn and no longer watches it.

In between trying for babies we have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a year. At the moment it has been over a year.

I don't particularly enjoy sex with him because he doesn't touch me or run his hands over my skin. Sorry if TMI, but I don't feel 'desired' by him. He seems to have no idea what turns me on she touching me down there. But the real problem is, he doesn't seem to want to know either. The least amount of effort he can out in, he will. It's so depressing writing this down.

I used to make an effort in bed to turn him on. I don't feel like bothering anymore when we do have sex because I know he can't be bothered to try and make me orgasm. He is the only man I've been with who doesn't seem to get turned on by seeing me turned on.

Is he having an affair?? He travels every month for work, it's definitely doable for him and I would have no way of knowing.

Is he asexual? Is he gay?

I am laying in bed next to him, waiting for him to fall asleep so I can run my hands over my own body!!! I need him to do that but he doesn't.

When he cuddles me, he never slips his hands under my clothes to touch my skin. Is that weird or am I being weird needing that so much?

He does make an effort to kiss and cuddle me when he comes home from work but always in front of the kids (not sexually, just affectionately). When the kids are in bed he falls asleep or watches TV. It's almost as if it's 'safe' for him to kiss me when the kids are there as he knows it can't lead to anything.

I cuddle into him at night, he never comes to me for a cuddle. I lay there with his arms heavy like a weight on me, like it's a chore for him. He never glides his hands over me or actually cuddles me.

I need sex. I am desperate. I want to go out an have passionate sex with someone I have just met. Or an ex BF. Anyone who actually wants me rather than just going through the motions like my DH does.

What is his fucking problem? I am not unnactractive. I used to have guys queuing up to date me. It's like sex is too much fucking effort for him. I am so frustrated and resentful. Sorry this is so long. I needed a massive rant.

Hi maths. Sorry you went through that. I understand the relief you got from finally knowing. Hope things are better for you now x

Falls Asleep the trouble is that extensive use of porn has been normalized and minimized by many.

I am going to be completely honest and realise I will get a flaming for this. I would rather stay and have a mum and dad around for our young children (I grew up in a single parent family and it was really hard).

I would have a long term affair, or something. I don't know.

I know, and I can't see what the fuss is about. I have watched porn to see what DH gets so excited about, and I have yet to find something that really turned me on. Just knowing it's acting and not real is a turn off.

HelenaDove who knew Stepfords were such dirty bitches lol. Seriously, the OP doesn't need to know how to feel like a sexual being, she already does. The only thing she needs help with is to figure out what's going on with her husband.

I am scanning his phone as we speak.

Im aware she doesnt need to know that SG. Her H is the one with the problem.

Growing up in a single parent family does not have to be hard. I am a single mother of two (left my ex in October) and it was the best thing I could have ever done. My children and I are thriving alone, without him - whereas we were all feeling fairly miserable when he was here. Mine has a porn addiction too btw - and a pregnancy fetish. Never wanted to have sex and often 'sabotaged' family outings so that we'd have a fight & he had an excuse not to go so he could stay home and watch his porn etc. He also traveled frequently for work. There were other massive problems too, though, so it wasn't just that (although that on its own was enough to end the marriage).

I kicked him out 4 years into the marriage, only to have him beg and go to counselling etc. But the bottom line is that he only ever did it to not lose the comforts of home, not because he himself wanted to change. You know, they only get better at hiding things (as a pp mentioned - private browsing allows them to access the porn so that it doesn't show up among all the other history). He's trying all the same nonsense this time around "I'm changing, I'm trying...ooh look at me, I'm now coming to church - even though I never bothered for the past year...and now I want the children to attend with me Sunday evenings." A whole year he never went to church before I left him...and now he's there every service and requesting to have the children (since I've never really gone with them at night). It's all a big show and I wish he'd just take his hypocrissy elsewhere. I'm serving him with divorce papers in a few months. Best decision I ever made.

I couldn't tolerate having such a horrible waste of space for a human being in my life, and setting such a pathetic example for my children. This period of fake, showy behaviour to win me back will not last...and I don't believe your man has stopped with his addiction either. Such ingrained, prolonged behaviours are not so easily broken with just a little bit of counselling...especially when the desire for change and recovery was not really their own decision to begin with. It was yours.

You'd be best off leaving him, and so would your children. I know that's not your intent right now, but the only way staying with him would be a healthy choice is if he really wanted to become a better, addiction free person, and took all the necessary steps and actions on his own to get there.

This relationship will just eat at you and erode your confidence. Why have an affair? Free yourself of this man and give yourself the chance to meet someone who will treat you/show you affection properly. You deserve better

Amen to 'This relationship will just eat at you and erode your confidence.'

And also to 'Why have an affair? Free yourself of this man and give yourself the chance to meet someone who will treat you/show you affection properly. You deserve better.'

A father more interested in porn or unreality than a real, attractive woman lying there in the bed next to him, and a mother in a FWB scenario = children shortchanged.

The home would be a hollow environment for the children and they would be aware of it even if they did not figure out exactly what was going on until they were 10 or so.

'I don't trust him'. Says it all. Must bé horrible for you, whatever you do I hope it works out.

"I would rather stay and have a mum and dad around for our young children (I grew up in a single parent family and it was really hard).
I would have a long term affair, or something. I don't know".

That would just prolong the agony and certainly not solve anything. Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied as you are now.

What do you get out of this relationship now, that thorny question deserves your consideration.

You cannot burden a child with a choice that you have made.
Your children certainly would not thank you for showing them such a poor example of a marriage; do you want them to think that this is their "norm" growing up, that couples actually behave like this in marriage?. Would you want them to have a marriage like yours?. They're not going to say thanks mum, they will instead call you daft for staying and also wonder of you why you actually put him before them. It could also affect markedly your own relationship with them as adults because your children could all leave home asap because its so miserable and not want to go home at all often because of the awful atmosphere within it.

Your man is not going to change, he has deep seated problems with intimacy that pre date you altogether. This perhaps even started in his adolescence.

And if there is no trust there is really no relationship to speak of.

I wouldn't bother analysing it too much, what's the point? I also don't think he will change.

I have had a lot of long-term relationships over the years and the attraction and desire for sex wanes after a few years and I think it's perfectly normal to not want sex with a partner any more after ten years.

I know lots of posters will say how wonderful their sex life is after 23 years of marriage or whatever but that has never happened to me. I have just gradually lost the attraction and not been bothered about intimacy and sex.
Then with a new partner, the sex drive returns with a vengeance.

In your case with the trust gone, I would question the future of the relationship.

I don't think he's necessarily having an affair. It sounds like some of these problems have been there since the beginning.

Of course he's still watching the porn. Someone who has an addiction to porn doesn't stop, they just get really good at hiding it. As others have said you can selectively delete your browsing history and there are other ways of hiding things. Sorry.

I'm not sure where you can go from here. It's clear for whatever reason he has a low sex drive when it comes to sex within the marriage. For many people after 10 years and 3 dc that's actually quite normal. Many sex experts think that it's through the biological need to reproduce that the body is spurred into having a huge sex drive in the early days of a relationship and gradually it fades off. However for lots of people, obviously yourself and others, it doesn't. There is nothing worse than incompatible sex drives.

If you do decide to leave it doesn't have to be awful - I've been a single mum and life was far better than being stuck with my miserable ex. I left him when dd was 6 months old and she is now nearly 12 and life has been good and I have gone on to remarry.

Don't stay just because you are worried about being a single mum. You sound utterly miserable being with him.

Not sure I have any good suggestions. I think most men think porn is crap, and only do it because they find it so difficult to get a good sexual relationship with their wife. "He is like a puzzle that I cannot work out" would sum up how many men feel about their wives, and so they reluctantly resort to porn/masturbation after years of frustration. You're situation is totally different obviously, which makes me think his problem is a more deep seated, a detachment of sex from intimacy (he does do cuddles)

I totally understand your need for someone to desire you, touch you.

(On a practical note, you can usually log onto your ISP provider to get porn filtered out - before it even gets to the house)

Hold on...you don't NEED sex! No one does. I am surprised no one has told you this already, because if you were a man posting about his wife, yo would have been shot down by now!

Same with When I did push him to do it, this...you pushed him into having sex he didn't want...that is a no no from any side & again, you would have been jumped on if you were male & called a rapist!

No doubt someone will come on & tell me that it doesn't count of it is a man who is refusing sex...yes, because it only matters if it is a woman!

You "stopping" him form looking at porn didn't cause this, as Helenadove would like you to believe, either, so ignore Hes taking it out on you because he sees you as the one who stopped him from watching porn

Other than that, there is nothing that indicates your concern for him..it's all about how you need sex, how you need him to be passionate, how you need to feel his hands on your body, etc

I don't know if he is having an affair, but have you tried other options first? Depression? Loss of libido. He says he finds sex too hard, why?

I know that you are finding it hard, but I think you are too centred on you & not on your dh & his feelings.

I know I said it before, but if you were a man, you would have been asked if you were doing for share with the kids/chores before you got any advice!

IF he is having an affair, I'll take it all back.

Perhaps he just isn't into sex that much.

You deserve better than this. Don't have an affair.

I never got any understanding of what was wrong with my ExH. But what surprised me was that while sex is important to me, I've been perfectly happy when DH and I have less sex. What I craved is the stuff OP talks about in terms of cuddles with strokes.

An affair would give you sex but if OP is anything like me then what she actually wants is the day in day out physical contact of a normal man in love with his partner.

Leave. Accept you may never understand what is wrong with him. Focus on building a life that will make you happy.

Please don't stay with a man you don't trust for the sake of the children. How awful. He is either using porn or having an affair, or maybe both. But this relationship is long dead surely - time to make plans isn't it?

You point out your dress size a lot to say that it's not a reason. He isn't rejecting you because of your size.

But then you've said that the porn he watches is large ladies, having sex in positions which makes them look larger.

Were his other partners larger? Is it possible that his "interests" have changed since he stopped watching porn?

I'll add that I don't think it's relevant, you won't change him. You could be every dress size under the sun, you could let me redesign your entire face and body, he's not interested. He can't even pretend to be. You have all that you'll ever get from him. I can understand needing to know why, though. Almost like needing to complete the puzzle. Do make sure you keep that separate in your head from needing to fix it. It's quite likely that it just won't be possible to fix this.

Sorry,but I agree with differentnameforthis . I understand your frustration but you also seem to have little respect or concern for your husband.

If a woman posted that their husband had pushed them into sex he would be called all sorts and it would be deemed understandable that the woman found it hard and didn't want sex and there would be complete understanding,with probably little question,over general lack of libido aswell.

Trip Trap if hes been wanking off to porn where does the lack of libido come into it.

"perhaps he just isnt into sex that much" Yep And i have a pile of books because i dont like reading

Agree that no one should be forced into sex they dont want. But i stand by my comment that he resents her because he sees her as the one who has forced him to give up porn.

Some people enjoy horror films, doesn't mean they like chopping people up.

Ok then he isnt into sex.....hes into masturbation. Does that suit your agenda better?

It doesn't sound like a porn problem so much as a laziness problem. he doesn't feel physical passion for you, and that, for you, is unbearable.

How is the marriage outside of bed? Is he a good father, etc?

A similar situation arose in my sister's marriage. Her DH became less and less interested in sex as years went by, possibly a side effect of his diabetes. After a lot of talking they agreed to open the marriage and she now has a regular second partner, everything out in the open and all friends, they all socialise together with the second partner's other girlfriend too. It actually came as a relief to her DH because there was no longer pressure on him to do something he didn't want to do and had a lot of anxiety about.

So it's worth asking your H how he would feel if you got your needs met elsewhere, since he seems completely uninvested in your wants.