DH uninterested in sex for years. Loves porn. WTAF? Is he having an affair? So ***king angry.

[FallsAsleep]

DH and I have been together about 10 years. From 30 to 40. Done having kids now, we have 3.

When we first met we had sex 4-5 times a week. Never more than once in a night. The first time I've had a BF that seemed to be able to 'take it or leave it' about sex but he was often "too tired" for a morning session or again later in the night, and everything else in our relationship was wonderful so I ignored it.

When I did push him to do it, he was so kind of 'heavy' as though he was struggling to stay awake, and it was all too much effort, that I gave up trying.

He was interested in having sex when I've been pregnant. I think he likes me bigger with a big bum and boobs. I mention this because he also has a porn addiction (watching women with big butts being shagged from behind). That's what turns him on it appears. When I am not pregnant I am a slim size 8-10. He has had counselling for the porn and no longer watches it.

In between trying for babies we have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a year. At the moment it has been over a year.

I don't particularly enjoy sex with him because he doesn't touch me or run his hands over my skin. Sorry if TMI, but I don't feel 'desired' by him. He seems to have no idea what turns me on she touching me down there. But the real problem is, he doesn't seem to want to know either. The least amount of effort he can out in, he will. It's so depressing writing this down.

I used to make an effort in bed to turn him on. I don't feel like bothering anymore when we do have sex because I know he can't be bothered to try and make me orgasm. He is the only man I've been with who doesn't seem to get turned on by seeing me turned on.

Is he having an affair?? He travels every month for work, it's definitely doable for him and I would have no way of knowing.

Is he asexual? Is he gay?

I am laying in bed next to him, waiting for him to fall asleep so I can run my hands over my own body!!! I need him to do that but he doesn't.

When he cuddles me, he never slips his hands under my clothes to touch my skin. Is that weird or am I being weird needing that so much?

He does make an effort to kiss and cuddle me when he comes home from work but always in front of the kids (not sexually, just affectionately). When the kids are in bed he falls asleep or watches TV. It's almost as if it's 'safe' for him to kiss me when the kids are there as he knows it can't lead to anything.

I cuddle into him at night, he never comes to me for a cuddle. I lay there with his arms heavy like a weight on me, like it's a chore for him. He never glides his hands over me or actually cuddles me.

I need sex. I am desperate. I want to go out an have passionate sex with someone I have just met. Or an ex BF. Anyone who actually wants me rather than just going through the motions like my DH does.

What is his fucking problem? I am not unnactractive. I used to have guys queuing up to date me. It's like sex is too much fucking effort for him. I am so frustrated and resentful. Sorry this is so long. I needed a massive rant.

So much 'holier than thou' and incredible assumptions being made about posters on this thread. What must it be like to go about assuming the rest of humanity came down in the last shower?

Examples include a recent PM I have received.

You know who you are.

Hope you are ok math

I see some people have 'form' for offering their sage wisdom to people in bad relationships...

Blimey math hope you reported the PM?

math, name and shame, g'wan

No worries Helena and Untouchable

I think the posts on here have got out of control.

The point of a forum is to discuss. Slagging Sukie off is both uncalled for and pointless. Joining up to put down other posters is unbelievable. I hate all the smug flowers and smiley faces to people that agree with you.

Stick to picking apart the arguement rather than someone who posts will you.

reveal if it was racism it wouldnt be ok. Damn right too.

Why is misogyny ok? Sukies posts ARE misogynistic especially the one directed at Untouchable.

Just because it is a discussion board doesn't mean that ridiculous opinions have to be treated with respect or consideration.

If Sukie is in any way involved in counselling couples I will eat my hat. Same goes for 'medical background' -- which on reflection could mean receptionist in a medical office, or driver of medical supplies truck.

Wow...this has gone so far past helping the op with her issue, and way into bun fighting!

OP, I take back what I said about you 'pushing him' into sex...I only had your words to go on, and translated that to mean exactly what it said.

I don't think you are going to find too many more answers on this thread, unfortunately.

I think you are jumping on the wrong posters. I gave advice because I am in almost exactly the same position as the OP. A couple of posters came on here just to tell her that it was all her fault and she should be 'sexier'. They have no idea what her sexual self is, they were just being mean and wanting it to sound like they invented sex. News for them, they didn't. Bit like dealing with teenagers tbh.

The rest of us 'experienced' grown ups defended the OP and a lot defended me when I was attacked with the same utter bollocks.

If the OP is still reading she will be getting a good idea of the kind of attitude that lead to her being where she is now. I hope she doesn't have to put up with it.

"If the OP is still reading she will be getting a good idea of the kind of attitude that lead to her being where she is now."

EXACTLY Untouchable. These attitudes are what lead women into thinking they should put up with it.

And its very telling that Untouchable is being criticized when she is in a very similar situation to the OP.

So some posters think they actually know better than someone who is going through similar to the OP.

How incredibly egotistical.

What! Mumsnet egotistical, no way

utouchable

Your posts on here have been very honest and insightful, ignore the doubters, it really does say more about them

Seriously ? Untouchables first post - after Sukies by the way is that she is going through a similar relationship ( although I would say untouchable seems a lot more disappointed at the start of the relationship) but then writes that she "can't change" her situation.

Great. How on earth is that helpful? Well done all you " but you hate women " posters. Not so easy really is it. Sort yourself out.

Who Op actually needs posting on here is;

a ) people that have been there and got out
b) people that have had successful marriages/ relationships

Loads of people saying "well you're unhappy so you need to get out" is shit.

Some smug ones for you

And since it's Friday and I have had wine.

Don't marry people expecting them to become something else. I have had 3 serious " I'm in love relationships" all lasting six years or more. I never married them because I realised I attract men with flaws. Nice men. Kind men. But flawed. Flaws that I would be pissed off with them down the line.
So yes I think people can give advice from the outside without being haters of women.
Women... don't marry for love unless you can do it for the rest of your life. It's an eady mistake to make.

Good -- then put me in under (a)
And I actually don't think people with long and reasonably happy marriages could possibly have much insight into how a woman might feel in a situation where she is desperately unhappy.

I don't think you can label marriages as 'successful' without casting other sorts of marriages as 'failures'. It is a very unfortunate term to use.

The OP had no reason to expect this man was not interested in sex or would develop into a lazy and selfish man who put his focus on his own gratification ahead of her feelings to the point where he is risking his marriage. You are suggesting that the OP is so thick she missed all the signs. Do you honestly think if he had made her this miserable while they were dating she would have married him?

Maybe you should say 'don't marry a woman if you suspect you have a massive sense of entitlement when it comes to sex, a stunted attitude to sex, a basic lack of respect for women, and you don't intend to keep your vows'.

Wait a cockin pickin minute! Where did I say I was disappointed at the start of the relationship? What a massive false conclusion!

And what I actually said was that I couldn't get out of it and that is why if she can, she should.

God some people are so closed and insular and think that they know what they are talking about when they have zero knowledge of the situation.

cockin pickin ;)

Silly OP, she should have anticipated that 4-5 times a week in her wonderful relationship would soon be down to once a year.

Am I allowed to post? I guess I'm a b) but fully aware that things can change.

cockin pickin

something on your mind, UnTouchable ?