DH uninterested in sex for years. Loves porn. WTAF? Is he having an affair? So ***king angry.

[FallsAsleep]

DH and I have been together about 10 years. From 30 to 40. Done having kids now, we have 3.

When we first met we had sex 4-5 times a week. Never more than once in a night. The first time I've had a BF that seemed to be able to 'take it or leave it' about sex but he was often "too tired" for a morning session or again later in the night, and everything else in our relationship was wonderful so I ignored it.

When I did push him to do it, he was so kind of 'heavy' as though he was struggling to stay awake, and it was all too much effort, that I gave up trying.

He was interested in having sex when I've been pregnant. I think he likes me bigger with a big bum and boobs. I mention this because he also has a porn addiction (watching women with big butts being shagged from behind). That's what turns him on it appears. When I am not pregnant I am a slim size 8-10. He has had counselling for the porn and no longer watches it.

In between trying for babies we have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a year. At the moment it has been over a year.

I don't particularly enjoy sex with him because he doesn't touch me or run his hands over my skin. Sorry if TMI, but I don't feel 'desired' by him. He seems to have no idea what turns me on she touching me down there. But the real problem is, he doesn't seem to want to know either. The least amount of effort he can out in, he will. It's so depressing writing this down.

I used to make an effort in bed to turn him on. I don't feel like bothering anymore when we do have sex because I know he can't be bothered to try and make me orgasm. He is the only man I've been with who doesn't seem to get turned on by seeing me turned on.

Is he having an affair?? He travels every month for work, it's definitely doable for him and I would have no way of knowing.

Is he asexual? Is he gay?

I am laying in bed next to him, waiting for him to fall asleep so I can run my hands over my own body!!! I need him to do that but he doesn't.

When he cuddles me, he never slips his hands under my clothes to touch my skin. Is that weird or am I being weird needing that so much?

He does make an effort to kiss and cuddle me when he comes home from work but always in front of the kids (not sexually, just affectionately). When the kids are in bed he falls asleep or watches TV. It's almost as if it's 'safe' for him to kiss me when the kids are there as he knows it can't lead to anything.

I cuddle into him at night, he never comes to me for a cuddle. I lay there with his arms heavy like a weight on me, like it's a chore for him. He never glides his hands over me or actually cuddles me.

I need sex. I am desperate. I want to go out an have passionate sex with someone I have just met. Or an ex BF. Anyone who actually wants me rather than just going through the motions like my DH does.

What is his fucking problem? I am not unnactractive. I used to have guys queuing up to date me. It's like sex is too much fucking effort for him. I am so frustrated and resentful. Sorry this is so long. I needed a massive rant.

Math... thanks for explaining your views. I see what you mean in your last paragraph about porn, it makes sense, I hadn't thought of it this way before.
And Back2... Interesting quote from the other thread. I agree porn can be damaging, particularly to teenagers who haven't had real-life experiences of sex. But I still think (for adults) a lot depends on the way porn is used... obsessively masturbating over it on regular basis is different from watching it for occasional entertainment/aphrodisiac purposes, or watching it with partner.

Math... I think of misogyny as discrimination against women, degrading/repressing women, chauvinistic behaviour. Is this the same as way you think of it? Feminism: female empowerment, equal rights etc, but there are different branches of feminism. At the extreme end, some militant feminists believe men are inferior to women, they discriminate against them just because they are men. Which is like a female version of misogyny?

Interesting you think I must be male to have such views...Why do you think only a man is capable of seeing the male perspective? To suggest a woman is not capable of empathising with men insults women's intelligence, for you are saying women can only see one perspective. This strikes me as very anti-feminist!
I don't believe in discriminating against either gender, I think both deserve equal empathy, respect and understanding.

'Asking to be judged by your intentions is a feature of narcissism. You are judged by the effect of your actions on others, and others have an absolute right to judge you according to the effects on them'

Math... Do you judge people by the effect they have on you, rather than their intentions? How we react to other people is within our control. The same actions can have different effects on different people. If someone has well-meaning intentions but they upset/annoy me I don't blame them for it. I take responsibility for managing how I feel/react. Eg if someone deliberately threw a cricket-ball at my head but it missed, I would still be angry because the intent to harm was there, even though it didn't harm me. If they threw the ball aiming for something behind me and it accidently hit me, I would forgive them.
I don't see how snoring can be abusive since it is beyond the person's control. Even if the man's wife is disturbed night after night, it's a shared problem not just his problem. They need to solve it together. If he refuses to discuss it or won't sleep in a different room yes this is inconsiderate, but not abusive. The wife presumably has the option of sleeping in a different room too, or using earplugs?

'I do not think a woman would ask the question you asked, about comparing two male bodies'

Why do you think a woman is not capable of thinking this way? Many women objectify the male body as much as men objectify females. I've been to lots of hen-parties where they had male strippers and 'naked waiters'. Although I don't find this a turn-on (I find it awkward and a bit sleazy tbh) I've observed lots of women going wild over them. I also have friends who target younger men purely for sex. Does this make them the female equivalent of misogynists?

Bunchofolives... I agree the best sex involves a committed relationship, love, deep emotions, bonding, mind-body-soul union etc. But I also think mutual physical attraction is very important!

"The wife presumably has the option of sleeping in a different room too, or using earplugs?"

Interesting that you apply this logic here but dont apply the same logic with the sex problem he has that he wont do anything about.

The OP could (only if she wants to of course) ask about opening the marriage on her side.

You are also suggesting with the snoring problem that its the wife who should suck it up again. Instead of the guy going to the GP.

Incidentally in your many posts Sukie not once have you suggested that the OPs DH do something about the problem including going to his GP.

As for your earlier posts......perfection is overrated. An ex of mine had a bit of a belly due to his penchant for takeaways but he was funny kind passionate and there was AMAZING sexual chemistry See thats something thats missing from your very mechanical views Sukie......sexual chemistry. We had a great emotional connection and would look into each others eyes while making love. And were very affectionate with each other out of bed too.

Do you know what a sapiosexual is Sukie. It is someone who is turned on by intelligence. Just another example of why your ideas of attraction are blinkered, stunted and quite teenage in their outlook.

dove

Fab post

"Sapiosexual"

every day is a school day

I completely fell in love with someone's brain. In person they were nothing to write home about but the way their brain worked and thought was the sexiest thing I had ever experienced. This comes with maturity perhaps?

I have a low sex-drive. I love DH but I wouldn't care if we had sex once a month or less. We kiss and cuddle but he has a high sex drive. he wants it at least every other day, he'd have it 2x day if he could. We met 14 years ago, have 2 DCs and nearly broke up after 6 years because of my low sex drive. Don't get me wrong I fancy him he's good-looking and v.intelligent. Its me I've always been take it or leave it about sex. We had sex therapy he realised he needed to try harder to turn me on. We tried lots of types of sex (yes BDSM too!) he learned how to give me multiple orgasms and how to get me in the mood. He also worked out more and built up his body because looking at his body during sex is a turn on for me. And he's strong enough now to hold me in different acrobatic positions and he has stamina to keep going until I've come a few times. I never asked him to do those things he chose to go the extra mile because I needed more help with enjoying sex. OP maybe you need to go the extra mile and try to understand what really turns on your DH? Porn isn't all bad. Until my DH and me explored my fantasies and experimented I had no idea I could enjoy sex like I do now.

I don't feel 'desired' by him. He seems to have no idea what turns me on she touching me down there. But the real problem is, he doesn't seem to want to know either. The least amount of effort he can out in, he will.

God I can't imagine how you feel hearing about how you need to understand what turns your DH on, or to tell him your fantasies, or to tell him how you'd like oral sex, or to get him to explore his fantasies with you.

It must be soul destroying.

Jesus, most of this thread is soul destroying. How are women, in this century, still so 1950's?

That's an insult to the women of the 1950's. ;)

Yes, you're correct, it is.

'Asking to be judged by your intentions is a feature of narcissism'

This is an absolute truth. And yes of course I judge them by their effect on me. If they expect to be judged by their intentions they are narcissists. I don't have to grin and bear it or make allowances, not the second time anyway. People who expect others to make allowances for them and proceed without regard for the effect they have on others are narcissists.

(Snoring is not beyond control. It can be treated. If you go to bed night after night, year in and year out with the intention of sleeping but you are aware that you are waking your partner nightly, then you are abusing that person by your selfishness in [a] disregarding the effect on her health and [b] not bothering getting your snoring treated.)

It's usually a sense of humor that does it for me, my dh is nothing like any of my exes but he is as funny as hell ( although he thinks he resembles George clooney...I have advised him he is more rosemary clooney)

As to why I think you are a hairy handed trucker -- if it walks like a duck, etc... Your views of how women should approach relationships are straight out of the hairy handed trucker handbook. Published 1951.

It's a pity you can't distinguish shadow from substance -- that male stripper/hen party stuff is most likely not a reflection of what ignites a spark in those women in real life, and those toned and healthy looking male bodies wouldn't last six months at home with them if they never put down the toilet seat, slurped their tea, left all the housework to the woman, missed the laundry basket with their skidmarked undies, complained about the cooking, thought they had a right to use porn, and/or snored.

Theboat, did you miss the bit where the OP said it took a couple of years for her to wring the information out of him that he was looking at porn and that he told her he preferred it because it took no effort on his part to achieve sexual gratification?

This man is not interested in helping his wife have a sex life full stop, let alone a pleasant one.