DH uninterested in sex for years. Loves porn. WTAF? Is he having an affair? So ***king angry.

[FallsAsleep]

DH and I have been together about 10 years. From 30 to 40. Done having kids now, we have 3.

When we first met we had sex 4-5 times a week. Never more than once in a night. The first time I've had a BF that seemed to be able to 'take it or leave it' about sex but he was often "too tired" for a morning session or again later in the night, and everything else in our relationship was wonderful so I ignored it.

When I did push him to do it, he was so kind of 'heavy' as though he was struggling to stay awake, and it was all too much effort, that I gave up trying.

He was interested in having sex when I've been pregnant. I think he likes me bigger with a big bum and boobs. I mention this because he also has a porn addiction (watching women with big butts being shagged from behind). That's what turns him on it appears. When I am not pregnant I am a slim size 8-10. He has had counselling for the porn and no longer watches it.

In between trying for babies we have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a year. At the moment it has been over a year.

I don't particularly enjoy sex with him because he doesn't touch me or run his hands over my skin. Sorry if TMI, but I don't feel 'desired' by him. He seems to have no idea what turns me on she touching me down there. But the real problem is, he doesn't seem to want to know either. The least amount of effort he can out in, he will. It's so depressing writing this down.

I used to make an effort in bed to turn him on. I don't feel like bothering anymore when we do have sex because I know he can't be bothered to try and make me orgasm. He is the only man I've been with who doesn't seem to get turned on by seeing me turned on.

Is he having an affair?? He travels every month for work, it's definitely doable for him and I would have no way of knowing.

Is he asexual? Is he gay?

I am laying in bed next to him, waiting for him to fall asleep so I can run my hands over my own body!!! I need him to do that but he doesn't.

When he cuddles me, he never slips his hands under my clothes to touch my skin. Is that weird or am I being weird needing that so much?

He does make an effort to kiss and cuddle me when he comes home from work but always in front of the kids (not sexually, just affectionately). When the kids are in bed he falls asleep or watches TV. It's almost as if it's 'safe' for him to kiss me when the kids are there as he knows it can't lead to anything.

I cuddle into him at night, he never comes to me for a cuddle. I lay there with his arms heavy like a weight on me, like it's a chore for him. He never glides his hands over me or actually cuddles me.

I need sex. I am desperate. I want to go out an have passionate sex with someone I have just met. Or an ex BF. Anyone who actually wants me rather than just going through the motions like my DH does.

What is his fucking problem? I am not unnactractive. I used to have guys queuing up to date me. It's like sex is too much fucking effort for him. I am so frustrated and resentful. Sorry this is so long. I needed a massive rant.

buzzard

Remember she is medically qualified

He has no interest because he has been wanking off to porn HIS CHOICE not the OP.

You are making her responsible for his behaviour. Its the same as a rape victim being blamed for wearing a short skirt.

Rape culture!

No Helena I don't think she is responsible for his behaviour at all. I don't think she should do anything she doesn't want to or that makes her uncomfortable. But she has chosen not to leave him, she wants to fix it. I agree he needs to work with her if they are to suceed in fixing anything. The question is, how can she achieve the outcome she wants?

Worriedaboutateen... I agree, I think couples counselling would be a good way forward. There could be many underlying issues contributing to his lack of sexual interest.

Even if hes stopped he will still have entrenched ideas from watching it in the first place.

Unless he owns a Tardis

Oh my! (deliberate) It just gets worse.

'Men are genetically predispositioned to find youthful, fertile, healthy women more sexually attractive than others. From an evolutionary biology perspective, this ensures the survival of the species.'

You have said that here before Sukie, and it is still complete bullshit.
What you are saying is that men operate on the same level as chimpanzees. No capacity to love, no capacity to appreciate a woman they married or see the beauty that first attracted her to him, and I do not just mean the boobs or legs or waist but the beauty. Just led by their penises to want to get off with whoever presents some evolutionary ideal. All that matters is that they are turned on. You have an utterly impoverished view of men and of sex. It is not idealistic or illogical to think men find all sorts of women attractive. Look around if you need proof.

This takes my breath away:
"We don't know that the type of porn he watches involves 'men abusing women'."
Where to even start?
How about - porn by its very nature involves men abusing women. What is involved in pornography is seeing women's bodies as commodities men can do as they please with both because they can as consumers watch those bodies having sex, and because what is most often depicted in pornography is women available for the instant gratification of male fantasy. There is no pornography therefore that doesn't involve abuse of women. It all turns women from three dimensional beings into one-dimensional sex objects.

'Lacking interest and being lazy' when it comes to communicating with his wife what the heck is going on is abusive, because he has totally lost sight of the fact that there are more people involved in the relationship than just him. Completely losing sight of the other person involved is incredibly abusive and very damaging to the other person.

Worried -- she has no idea if he is not interested or if he is having an affair or if he is back watching the porn again because he hasn't had the decency to talk to her about what the problem is. This is why she is considering packing it in, not just the lack of interest in sex per se. Part of it is also because she is still hurt from the huge insult when he stated to her (which he did after she tried for years to find out what was going on before this) that he preferred porn because it required no effort on his part. This man has clearly no appreciation for the fact that anyone else besides himself has needs. He is incredibly, abusively, selfish.

This man has clearly no appreciation for the fact that anyone else besides himself has needs or is deserving of respect.

In other words, a very clear expression of rape culture.

EXACTLY math EXACTLY

math

Excellent posts as usual

Math... I find your views interesting. I appreciate men are not solely driven by desire to procreate with young, fertile women, and that women of all ages/sizes can be attractive. And I agree many men still have capacity to love, appreciate and be sexually attracted to their wives whatever age/appearence. The point I was making is that in an ideal world love and sexual desire would always go hand in hand (as they tend to do when people are young). In reality, there is often a divide and sexual desire fades with familiarity, age etc. Hence high divorce rates, sexual problems, affairs, therapy etc. I'm not saying a man can't love and appreciate his wife, I'm saying he often doesn't find her as sexy after many years of marriage, despite loving her. The same goes for women, it's just easier for us to fake sexual arousal.
Do you think a woman's body/youth/health has any impact at all on how sexually attractive she is to men? Or do you think only shallow men are attracted to youth, beauty, health?
And if so, do you think women's sexual arousal is influenced by the male body? To illustrate the point...Imagine there are 2 naked men in front of you: 1 young, fit, toned, well-groomed... the other old, overweight, unkempt... which would trigger your sexual desire most? Even if the latter was your DH of 20yrs, would you still find his physique as physically arousing as the first man?
At the end of the day, sexual desire has an evolutionary purpose and humans are not exempt from it. Sexual arousal originates in the primitive part of our brains, outside of conscious control/morality etc.

Re porn, I agree there's a lot of porn that focuses on male fantasy and gratification, objectifying women etc and yes some does feature abuse. I'm against this too and I agree it can give men a warped view of sex. But what about porn that shows men and women having passionate sex that focuses on the woman's pleasure? (And the many erotic scenes in movies that also show this). What about porn where men are gentle, submissive and focused on pleasing the woman?
And how do you explain porn that objectifies men instead of women? Eg men being tied up, used like toys, spanked, bullied? In porn men are often objectified for their bodies (their muscles, penis-size, performance), just as much as women. They are fake-tanned, waxed, oiled, airbrushed, dressed up in costumes the same way females are. Is this abuse of men? Are the male actors doing it against their will? And do you think a dominatrix an an abuser of men or a symbol of female power?

Feminism and misogyny are not as clear-cut as you make out. Suggesting a woman spices up her sex life to re-ignite her husband's desire is not comparable to rape-culture.
And laziness, thoughtlessness, selfishness... these are unattractive behaviours but it doesn't make him
'abusive'. To argue otherwise is crying wolf. Abuse is deliberately inflicting harm or damage. Why do you think he wants to upset her or takes pleasure from it?

After reading the first two paragraphs I feel very sorry for you

There is a huge amount of dissatisfaction in bed that most people are willing to put up with, but snoring might be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Snoring is not abuse. Doing nothing about snoring when your wife is walking around like a zombie because you wake her several times a night is abuse. It doesn't matter what your intentions are. Asking to be judged by your intentions is a feature of narcissism. You are judged by the effect of your actions on others, and others have an absolute right to judge you according to the effects on them.

High divorce rates are due to people being grossly inconsiderate, and inconsiderate in small ways too. They are due to people being unable to communicate, unwilling to communicate, and thus abusing their partners psychologically and emotionally. Only shallow men turn to private sex when they are involved in a relationship with a real, flesh and blood woman, and thus make a unilateral decision about their wife's sex life as well as their own. It is no coincidence that the sense of entitlement that enables men to cast women aside like that and to think they owe no explanation or communication has gone hand in hand with the rise of porn availability. This is rape culture -- the idea that women are there for a man's gratification only, and that men owe them nothing; no effort, no respect, no integrity, the idea that once women do not sexually gratify they have no worth.

I do not think a woman would ask the question you asked, about comparing two male bodies. All porn is visual, and it leaves nothing to the imagination. This is why most of it leaves women cold. Whatever you may have seen of 'women's pleasure' in films and pornography has clearly left you thinking it is realistic -- you poor (hairy handed) mope, they must have seen you coming...

Porn is made for the gratification of men, and not just the sexual gratification but the sense of power over women that comes when men can summon them up naked and sweaty and breathing heavily whenever they want to. Whether it is some busty young thing peeling her clothes off for the postman or a dominatrix spanking away, the basic commonality is the women can be summoned up on the whim of a man. This aspect of it has gone right over your head, clearly. I don't know if you are being deliberately obtuse or you just can't help it.

And I am still scratching my head over 'Feminism and misogyny are not as clear-cut as you make out'.

I get the feeling you don't know what either feminism or misogyny actually mean.

Sukie's point of view seems very male focused to me.

The trouble is, when you isolate sex - when it's just a shag, as it would be for example in a one night stand, then, yes all the biological 'evolutionary' type imperatives might come to the fore.

But, in my opinion, that's quite different to sex in a relationship, which, if you are a thinking, feeling, human being, is more about how you feel about that person, your history, what's going on in your relationship - in other words the relationship's context.

That's why porn is so destructive imo. It encourages human beings to view one another as bodies, not people. It quite literally dehumanises us all. (That, and the fact that the porn industry is abusive in itself).

That's really interesting Back, thx for posting that.

It's so sad to think that a generation of young men (I think it's mostly men) are growing up with these problems already developed, often before they've even had a girlfriend. The odds must be so stacked against them experiencing a fulfilling relationship before they've even started

Really, genuinely, you're confused? I mean, you must just be saying that surely?

How should a man show his wife he appreciates she has needs?

1. He could listen to her, talk to her, explain his feelings, look for compromise, look for counseling, learn about her, learn about them.

1. Or perhaps he could chose what the OP's DH has done. Tell her he prefers porn to her, tell her he can't be arsed, stonewall and reject. When they do on the rare occasion have sex, avoid her intimate areas, and be indifferent to her orgasm.

There are some weird fuckers on this thread who can't work out that most people would prefer to be married to the first one and not the second one.

Tbh, I'm quite worried about you, if you can't work that out.