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Original poster

DH uninterested in sex for years. Loves porn. WTAF? Is he having an affair? So ***king angry.

320 replies

FallsAsleep · 24/02/2015 01:00

DH and I have been together about 10 years. From 30 to 40. Done having kids now, we have 3.

When we first met we had sex 4-5 times a week. Never more than once in a night. The first time I've had a BF that seemed to be able to 'take it or leave it' about sex but he was often "too tired" for a morning session or again later in the night, and everything else in our relationship was wonderful so I ignored it.

When I did push him to do it, he was so kind of 'heavy' as though he was struggling to stay awake, and it was all too much effort, that I gave up trying.

He was interested in having sex when I've been pregnant. I think he likes me bigger with a big bum and boobs. I mention this because he also has a porn addiction (watching women with big butts being shagged from behind). That's what turns him on it appears. When I am not pregnant I am a slim size 8-10. He has had counselling for the porn and no longer watches it.

In between trying for babies we have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a year. At the moment it has been over a year.

I don't particularly enjoy sex with him because he doesn't touch me or run his hands over my skin. Sorry if TMI, but I don't feel 'desired' by him. He seems to have no idea what turns me on she touching me down there. But the real problem is, he doesn't seem to want to know either. The least amount of effort he can out in, he will. It's so depressing writing this down.

I used to make an effort in bed to turn him on. I don't feel like bothering anymore when we do have sex because I know he can't be bothered to try and make me orgasm. He is the only man I've been with who doesn't seem to get turned on by seeing me turned on.

Is he having an affair?? He travels every month for work, it's definitely doable for him and I would have no way of knowing.

Is he asexual? Is he gay?

I am laying in bed next to him, waiting for him to fall asleep so I can run my hands over my own body!!! I need him to do that but he doesn't.

When he cuddles me, he never slips his hands under my clothes to touch my skin. Is that weird or am I being weird needing that so much?

He does make an effort to kiss and cuddle me when he comes home from work but always in front of the kids (not sexually, just affectionately). When the kids are in bed he falls asleep or watches TV. It's almost as if it's 'safe' for him to kiss me when the kids are there as he knows it can't lead to anything.

I cuddle into him at night, he never comes to me for a cuddle. I lay there with his arms heavy like a weight on me, like it's a chore for him. He never glides his hands over me or actually cuddles me.

I need sex. I am desperate. I want to go out an have passionate sex with someone I have just met. Or an ex BF. Anyone who actually wants me rather than just going through the motions like my DH does.

What is his fucking problem? I am not unnactractive. I used to have guys queuing up to date me. It's like sex is too much fucking effort for him. I am so frustrated and resentful. Sorry this is so long. I needed a massive rant.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 25/02/2015 19:46

Why not plan to leave this awful situation? He clearly isn't the man to have a good sexual relationship with, whether or not he's watching porn and / or having affairs.

Duckdeamon · 25/02/2015 19:46

And yes, his behaviour is pretty emotionally abusive IMO.

Christinayang1 · 25/02/2015 19:52

untouchable

I'm sorry, it sounds as if you have been through a horrendous time

Flowers
revealall · 25/02/2015 20:03

He didn't "make a decision" though.
it was always the case that he not been interested in physical intimacy with his wife. The Op knew this and married him anyway.If you aren't at least trying to have amazing sex in the beginning when you are all pleased with each other, you have no chance 10 years on.

I think she should at least suggest an " open" marriage. Takes the pressure off them both. And as I said before, is sex going to be as much of an issue another 20/30 years down the line?

Duckdeamon · 25/02/2015 20:06

Oh she should "at least" let him shag around, and give it 20/30 years more should she? Grin

untouchable · 25/02/2015 20:09

OMFG Hmm

Christinayang1 · 25/02/2015 20:17

The op states that they used to have sex 4-5 times a week so he was interested in physical intimacy with his wife, he was also interested in sex when he was addicted to porn

No the sex won't matter in 20-30 years time as the op will have split from him...not because their sex life just dwindled but because he removed intimacy from their marriage and ignored her needs and wants, leaving her confused, lonely and sad

revealall · 25/02/2015 20:19

Er no! He doesn't want to be intimate with anyone real. She should find someone else to shag obviously.

She hasn't said he's bad husband/father in other ways. It's this one issue that's spoiling everything.

As for another 20/30 years isn't that what you get married for?

Christinayang1 · 25/02/2015 20:24

You have a very strange concept of marriage...good luck with that

revealall · 25/02/2015 20:27

No the Op said they had sex in the beginning 4 or 5 times a week and never more than once a night.
Does that sound like a man who can't keep his hands off his girlfriend?

I don't consider myself a goer but I know you spend a lot of time in the beginning having lots of sex, working out which things you both like or can do for the other. If sex was important to her she must have had an inkling of his lack of interest in this area?

goldletters · 25/02/2015 20:28

I'm with revealall. An open marriage is better than a split. Divorce is hell for kids!! And they have 3 kids under 10!! Lack of sex is such a selfish reason to deprive kids of their dad. It might be a bad patch and the marriage could recover in time.
I bet if OP was a guy complaining about his wife not wanting sex, he'd get much less sympathy on here!!

revealall · 25/02/2015 20:34

I have a strange concept of marriage because I think they should stay together?!

What I think is ( based on no information at all) is that Op met a bloke who was a bit of a catch at the time.. Good job maybe? Bit of money? Maybe she really wanted children and there he was.

And she married him, hoping for the best.

Back2Two · 25/02/2015 20:49

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

JohnFarleysRuskin · 25/02/2015 20:53

No, men whose wives haven't slept with them for years, who have porn addictions and are secretive about their money and phones do get plenty of sympathy. Why wouldn't they?

Do you actually think its normal for a DH to be uninterested in sex for years but to crack em out over porn? How sad if you do.

Apparently, when you hit 60, OP, you too will have no sexual feelings so all will be well if you just wait out the next twenty years.

mathanxiety · 25/02/2015 20:57

'Maybe he doesn't realise how important sex is to her'

You could only fail to realise how much sex means to your wife if you were so wrapped up in your own private sex life that takes place outside of your relationship that your partner had ceased to be anything other than the domestic help in your life.

And the lack of communication comes from a complete lack of respect.

'I'm appalled people think she should just give up on the marriage and leave him, without trying everything possible to find out what's wrong and fix it.'

It took her two years of asking him what was wrong befire he admitted about the porn, Sukie. How many more years before he admits whatever else is going on or that the porn never went away?
And meanwhile, is she going to be accused of nagging or pressuring him as she tries to get him to do her the honour of being honest with her?

All this poor little fragile man stuff makes me want to to heave. The only person you think should bend over backwards to fix this is the person who is being kept in the dark about what the problem is.

Do you hate women much Revealall?

Christinayang1 · 25/02/2015 20:59

So she should ignore the fact she doesn't feel wanted by her husband, they should have an open marriage, she should shag someone else, it's really her fault as she should have known he wasn't that in to her and anyway she just married him for the money.... Hmmm I have no idea why I think you have a strange concept of marriage....

revealall · 25/02/2015 21:27

I don't hate women at all.
After seeing several friends getting divorced in their 40's I do get fed up with people ( men and women) complaining about things which were obvious problems at the beginning of their relationship. Drinking and porn/ sex addiction being two that come up a lot.

No one should ignore problems in their relationship but expecting someone else to change from the person you married is unreasonable.

Op could LTB but there are other choices an open marriage being one. That's all.

HelenaDove · 25/02/2015 21:29

Blimey Unbelievable .....some of the Stepfordite posts on here.

Baker i went from a size 28 down to a 12 and a size 12 isnt unhealthy so do ditch the Grazia subscription Hmm but this situ has NOTHING to do with weight.

And agree with untouchable about the suggestions that OP should do the "pick me dance"

FUCK THAT!

mathanxiety · 25/02/2015 21:38

'I don't hate women at all'...

So you are now saying that women don't make decisions based on what a catch a man is, with catch meaning he is a meal ticket or a stud who can impregnate her, and she is not interested in the man himself but just wants what he can do for her?
('...Op met a bloke who was a bit of a catch at the time.. Good job maybe? Bit of money? Maybe she really wanted children and there he was.')

The insinuations you posted there are the most misogynistic pile of shite I have seen for a long time. They go hand in hand with the idea that women trap men into marriage.

mathanxiety · 25/02/2015 21:40

And if you read the OP you will see that they did have sex to begin with, and he hid the porn from her for years...

BakerStreetSaxRift · 25/02/2015 21:46

Baker i went from a size 28 down to a 12 and a size 12 isnt unhealthy so do ditch the Grazia subscription Hmm

Did I say that? No, I did not.

I'm said size 8-10 is not unhealthy, that it was a perfectly healthy size. Probably a more healthy size than a 12. Because someone piled in on the OP saying men don't fancy scrawny bags of bones.

That doesn't mean that a 12 isn't a much more healthy size than a 28.

No need to be so weird and rude. Congratulations on your weight loss.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 25/02/2015 21:46

Baker i went from a size 28 down to a 12 and a size 12 isnt unhealthy so do ditch the Grazia subscription Hmm

Did I say that? No, I did not.

I'm said size 8-10 is not unhealthy, that it was a perfectly healthy size. Probably a more healthy size than a 12. Because someone piled in on the OP saying men don't fancy scrawny bags of bones.

That doesn't mean that a 12 isn't a much more healthy size than a 28.

No need to be so weird and rude. Congratulations on your weight loss.

HelenaDove · 25/02/2015 21:54

Baker im sorry if i upset you I didnt mean to. I dont think women should be judged on their weight or dress size at all and certainly in this case it has nothing to do with it.

I find body shaming offensive whatever the size and sometimes i can be overly sensitive about it.
Sorry Thanks

BakerStreetSaxRift · 25/02/2015 21:59

No worries Helena Flowers

Seriously though, that's really impressive. Well done.

shaska · 25/02/2015 22:14

"In my mind....it's porn that's the "vanilla" of sex. It doesn't even involve another real human person's physical presence most of the time. It demands zilch in terms of emotional connection and closeness, honesty, opening up, losing yourself in the moment with another person.....watching porn doesn't indicate an adventurous lover who needs his partner to "spice it up" .....it indicates a selfish, emotionally immature man with a sore hand who can't relate sensuously or sexually to the real life woman right in front of him."

I never thought of this before and it's so, so true.