DH uninterested in sex for years. Loves porn. WTAF? Is he having an affair? So ***king angry.

[FallsAsleep]

DH and I have been together about 10 years. From 30 to 40. Done having kids now, we have 3.

When we first met we had sex 4-5 times a week. Never more than once in a night. The first time I've had a BF that seemed to be able to 'take it or leave it' about sex but he was often "too tired" for a morning session or again later in the night, and everything else in our relationship was wonderful so I ignored it.

When I did push him to do it, he was so kind of 'heavy' as though he was struggling to stay awake, and it was all too much effort, that I gave up trying.

He was interested in having sex when I've been pregnant. I think he likes me bigger with a big bum and boobs. I mention this because he also has a porn addiction (watching women with big butts being shagged from behind). That's what turns him on it appears. When I am not pregnant I am a slim size 8-10. He has had counselling for the porn and no longer watches it.

In between trying for babies we have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a year. At the moment it has been over a year.

I don't particularly enjoy sex with him because he doesn't touch me or run his hands over my skin. Sorry if TMI, but I don't feel 'desired' by him. He seems to have no idea what turns me on she touching me down there. But the real problem is, he doesn't seem to want to know either. The least amount of effort he can out in, he will. It's so depressing writing this down.

I used to make an effort in bed to turn him on. I don't feel like bothering anymore when we do have sex because I know he can't be bothered to try and make me orgasm. He is the only man I've been with who doesn't seem to get turned on by seeing me turned on.

Is he having an affair?? He travels every month for work, it's definitely doable for him and I would have no way of knowing.

Is he asexual? Is he gay?

I am laying in bed next to him, waiting for him to fall asleep so I can run my hands over my own body!!! I need him to do that but he doesn't.

When he cuddles me, he never slips his hands under my clothes to touch my skin. Is that weird or am I being weird needing that so much?

He does make an effort to kiss and cuddle me when he comes home from work but always in front of the kids (not sexually, just affectionately). When the kids are in bed he falls asleep or watches TV. It's almost as if it's 'safe' for him to kiss me when the kids are there as he knows it can't lead to anything.

I cuddle into him at night, he never comes to me for a cuddle. I lay there with his arms heavy like a weight on me, like it's a chore for him. He never glides his hands over me or actually cuddles me.

I need sex. I am desperate. I want to go out an have passionate sex with someone I have just met. Or an ex BF. Anyone who actually wants me rather than just going through the motions like my DH does.

What is his fucking problem? I am not unnactractive. I used to have guys queuing up to date me. It's like sex is too much fucking effort for him. I am so frustrated and resentful. Sorry this is so long. I needed a massive rant.

Have you actually read the OP's contributions, Sukie?

Do you think the OP has at no stage asked him what's up? You actually genuinely think she has not at any stage tried to find out?

Maybe it's unrealistic to expect him to find her as sexually attractive at 40 as he did at 30, especially after having 3 children together.

You think its unrealistic for couples in a long term relationship to have regular sex?

Wow.

Sukie, is your husband a Feeder ?

he sounds proper fucking creepy enough to me

OP, I completely sympathise. Your post could have been written by me other than the fact that my H stopped wanting me when I was pregnant with our only child 9 years ago. He also admitted to 'using' porn almost daily and promised to stop using it a year ago to see if it would make him want me (very flattering). It hasn't and I wouldn't want him to now if he turned in George Clooney.

I think you must understand that he doesn't care that you suffer and deserve to be loved, he is happy with everything the way it is. He won't change. The only way you will ever get that feeling again is if you end your marraige.

If I could, I would.

Dreaming is a lovely way to feel wanted, but then you have to wake up.

JohnFarley... Yes I have read all OP's posts. And of course I believe people in long-term relationships should have a good sex-life. I also believe they both need to work hard at it and communicate. My point was that OP may need to do more now to arouse her husband than she did 10 years ago. I think comparing him to past boyfriends from a decade earlier 'other BFs used to make me feel like a hot sexy little thing' is unrealistic and unfair.
She needs to find out what the real issue is, without accusing or blaming him. They might be able to fix it, if he feels able to open up to her without being judged. He still kisses and cuddles her often in a non-sexual way, suggesting there is love and affection. Assuming he's having an affair or still addicted to porn is a cop-out because it blames everything on him.

Since he used to watch a lot of porn it's likely he's bored with a 'vanilla' sex life and might benefit from her being more adventurous or spicing it up. Maybe discussing his taste in porn and what turns him on would be a good place for them to start. It's all very well to be prudish about the porn but it's likely the most reliable key to what DOES turn him on.

Any.. Why do you think it's creepy for a man to find underweight women unattractive? Do you assume all men who dislike thin body-types must be feeders? Lol

Yes, Sukie she should do the pick me dance, and bend over backwards (literally) to please him. She should not at any point expect to be treated with love and respect.

Don't you think she has already tried speaking to him and explained why she is so pissed off? Honestly, writing a post like the OP has shows me she has bloody well tried everything and is now at her wit's end. OP please ignore Sukie's 1950's husband pleasing shite. You shouldn't need to put on sexy underwear or 3 stone in weight to arouse your husband because you are a bit older. You deserve so much better. I think you deserve so much better than your current excuse of a man.

Oh yes, the op must protect the little darlings feelings and be careful not to blame or judge him.....and for god sake do something about your vanilla sex life!!!!!!

The op has tried! Surely he should be adult enough to be open and honest and stop just thinking about his fucking self....his wife is shut out, lonely and feeling unloved and yet she has still to do all the work????

sukie, your manpleasing approach to relationships appears to know no bounds

lol

Op, its your fault for being 40 and having children. That is pretty disgusting. Your sex appeal has "changed" - so you need to work harder to turn on this man. Perhaps get fat and get him to film you doing it doggy style?

john

Love it

How to do misogyny in 4 easy posts

lol

Sukie

Size 8-10 is not "underweight", it is a perfectly healthy weight. More healthy than a size 12, most likely.

You seem to be on a strange mission to make a point that men don't like slim women... Which is saying more about you and your self-confidence than the OP's situation.

Untouchable... why do you assume he lacks love and respect for her? He lacks sexual interest in her. That doesn't make him abusive or unloving, nor does it make him a womaniser. He has been to counselling for porn addiction, suggesting he cares about saving the relationship. Maybe he doesn't grasp how much she needs sexual contact or how his behaviour affects her. Or he could be switching off because he feels nagged/pressured into sex.

Christian... I agree he should respect her feelings and be adult, honest and open. The biggest problem seems to be lack of communication. Yes I assume the OP has tried talking to him many times but the fact she still considers him a 'puzzle she can't work out' implies she still doesn't know the real reason and is making assumptions eg that he might be having an affair. If he won't open up it might help to have couple therapy, or try approaching the problem from a new angle.

I'm appalled people think she should just give up on the marriage and leave him, without trying everything possible to find out what's wrong and fix it. They've been together for 10years and have 3 young children!!
If he still refuses to discuss the problem (after different approaches and couple therapy) maybe an ultimatum would help, but surely this should be a last resort!

op made it clear she is at "last resort"

or is this woman's rage and unhappiness less important than her male partner's ?

Sukie if only we were all more like you and bent over backwards more none of us would have any marital problems. Lol

Baker... Dress-sizes vary. When I was a size 8 I had a BMI of 15 (severely underweight). At my current dress-size of 10-12 it's 19 (healthy weight). I measure 36-25-36 and have always been confident about my body so this isn't the issue. However I do think being 'thin' is misleadingly promoted as 'sexually-attractive' in our culture.
I appreciate the OP may not be 'underweight' at size 8-10, dress-size is very individual.

Obsessive even

Withholding affection, intimacy and sex without any discussion or explanation is abusive and unloving

He has made a decision about an important part of their relationship and doesn't appear to think about how this affects his wife or how she feels about it,this situation is made worse by the fact that he had an addiction to porn. He knows that his wife stayed with him through that he will also know that his actions must be making her mind go into overdrive wondering what he is up to now

He is being cruel, selfish and failing to behave like a husband

Why have you put your measurements on the internet? Ridiculous. This does not help anyone.

Most people in a relationship stay faithful. They don't also have affairs or cyber-sex or obsessively wank over porn day and night.

None of what you write Sukie squares with the OPs H's bank account to which she has no access, the lipstick on his collar, his working away and a phone that he keeps private. Not forgetting his porn watching either.

Any... I think their feelings are equally important.
Drum... Yes I do think people should bend over backwards to fix marital problems rather than throw in the towel, especially when there are young children involved who need their dad as well as their mum.

I'm not saying OP isn't bending over backwards, the fact she started this thread suggests she wants help, suggestions, advice and different unbiased opinions. Telling her to just 'give up and leave him' is hardly helpful or unbiased! If she'd wanted to do that I expect she would have done so by now.

FFS

What's he said/been his attitude when you've talked about it before OP?

I get the feeling that size is t the issue here. I have been everything from a size 8 to a size 22 and back again several times. My DH doesn't give a shit as apologies for this line he's making love to me not fucking somebody he doesn't have feeling for so its about the people not the size.

Tbh if he won't even talk about it or make any effort then you're on a hiding to nothing.

I also think being in an unfaithful relationship had more potential to harm your kids than splitting up.

Attila... there is no hard evidence that he has ever been unfaithful. OP has suspicions and I agree some of his behaviour is suspicious, but I don't think it's fair to jump on the bandwagon and try to convince OP that her husband is indeed having an affair!!
I have a bank account separate from our joint-account, I also have a work-phone that I only use when I'm on-call. I also work away from time to time. And no, I'm not having an affair.
The one-off lipstick incident had a reasonable explanation. And OP clearly stated the porn addiction was in the past (and that she doesn't think he's started watching it again).

*Withholding affection, intimacy and sex without any discussion or explanation is abusive and unloving

He has made a decision about an important part of their relationship and doesn't appear to think about how this affects his wife or how she feels about it,this situation is made worse by the fact that he had an addiction to porn. He knows that his wife stayed with him through that he will also know that his actions must be making her mind go into overdrive wondering what he is up to now

He is being cruel, selfish and failing to behave like a husband*

That is what I was trying to say Christina.