DH uninterested in sex for years. Loves porn. WTAF? Is he having an affair? So ***king angry.

[FallsAsleep]

DH and I have been together about 10 years. From 30 to 40. Done having kids now, we have 3.

When we first met we had sex 4-5 times a week. Never more than once in a night. The first time I've had a BF that seemed to be able to 'take it or leave it' about sex but he was often "too tired" for a morning session or again later in the night, and everything else in our relationship was wonderful so I ignored it.

When I did push him to do it, he was so kind of 'heavy' as though he was struggling to stay awake, and it was all too much effort, that I gave up trying.

He was interested in having sex when I've been pregnant. I think he likes me bigger with a big bum and boobs. I mention this because he also has a porn addiction (watching women with big butts being shagged from behind). That's what turns him on it appears. When I am not pregnant I am a slim size 8-10. He has had counselling for the porn and no longer watches it.

In between trying for babies we have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a year. At the moment it has been over a year.

I don't particularly enjoy sex with him because he doesn't touch me or run his hands over my skin. Sorry if TMI, but I don't feel 'desired' by him. He seems to have no idea what turns me on she touching me down there. But the real problem is, he doesn't seem to want to know either. The least amount of effort he can out in, he will. It's so depressing writing this down.

I used to make an effort in bed to turn him on. I don't feel like bothering anymore when we do have sex because I know he can't be bothered to try and make me orgasm. He is the only man I've been with who doesn't seem to get turned on by seeing me turned on.

Is he having an affair?? He travels every month for work, it's definitely doable for him and I would have no way of knowing.

Is he asexual? Is he gay?

I am laying in bed next to him, waiting for him to fall asleep so I can run my hands over my own body!!! I need him to do that but he doesn't.

When he cuddles me, he never slips his hands under my clothes to touch my skin. Is that weird or am I being weird needing that so much?

He does make an effort to kiss and cuddle me when he comes home from work but always in front of the kids (not sexually, just affectionately). When the kids are in bed he falls asleep or watches TV. It's almost as if it's 'safe' for him to kiss me when the kids are there as he knows it can't lead to anything.

I cuddle into him at night, he never comes to me for a cuddle. I lay there with his arms heavy like a weight on me, like it's a chore for him. He never glides his hands over me or actually cuddles me.

I need sex. I am desperate. I want to go out an have passionate sex with someone I have just met. Or an ex BF. Anyone who actually wants me rather than just going through the motions like my DH does.

What is his fucking problem? I am not unnactractive. I used to have guys queuing up to date me. It's like sex is too much fucking effort for him. I am so frustrated and resentful. Sorry this is so long. I needed a massive rant.

Differentname, he owes her an explanation.

You can't just unilaterally decide there will be no sex henceforth, and not even try to sit your partner down and talk about it.

And this man isn't 'not into sex', or unable to have sex. He is happy to use porn for wanking.

Meanwhile she is wondering what the heck is going on. Is it her? Is there someone else? What happens with his bank account she has no access to? What about the phone he has that she has no access to?

What she said about sex and what she wants from him in bed is filling out the details of the basic problem -- he is living his life as if the OP and her needs (not her sexual needs but her need for honest and respectful communication) are being ignored. She is a ship passing in the night.

"He is like a puzzle that I cannot work out" (I presume you meant 'She') 'would sum up how many men feel about their wives and so they reluctantly resort to porn/masturbation after years of frustration'
Bollocks to that anyway.
'Reluctantly resort'???
Talking can sort out many mysteries. Doing your share around the house can work wonders in bed. Making an effort and not taking a woman's presence in your life for granted ditto. By making an effort I mean simply letting her know how much you appreciate all she does for you and for your children if you have any. You have to want to have the real relationship with the real, flesh and blood human being you have asked to marry you or live with you, however.

What happens is that men get stuck in the utter selfishness that is a porn habit and find it far easier to wank than to make the effort with a real women in a relationship involving emotional and sexual intimacy. It is so much easier to conduct your sex like in your head than in a real life relationship. Porn is such an insidious poison because it offers instant sexual gratification without any of the risk or without having to put in any of the effort required in a real relationship. It warps sex and enables men to be incredibly lazy. Ultimately it robs men of the rewards of a relationship too.

A porn habit when the user is in a relationship is always a laziness problem. And there is often a problem of immature sexual development that can be ignored as long as he is experiencing the gratification.

'I can understand needing to know why, though. Almost like needing to complete the puzzle. Do make sure you keep that separate in your head from needing to fix it. It's quite likely that it just won't be possible to fix this.'
Solid perspective and advice there from Infinity.

Watching porn and wanting to have sex with someone else are world's apart. Having sex with a partner involves a fair amount of effort, energy and motivation. Having a wank to a film or the Internet is a quick fix. I don't think watching porn means he wants to have sex or that he doesn't have a low sex drive compared to the op.

There are a lot of people who watch porn to try and fix problems they have with libido aswell

I really feel for you - OP. Having a disinterested partner is a real blow to your self esteem.
My ex was vaguely interested in sex when we first got together, but as soon as we had our DD he lost all interest. I think I was transformed in his mind into a mother and he had mother issues.
It had never been good - pretty much the lazy disinterested shags you describe.
So after years of driving myself crazy, trying to work out what I was doing wrong and 3 years without a single shag, I finally dumped him. (We had other problems too).
I am now with a lovely bloke who makes me feel like a fucking goddess. I am a new woman. I cannot believe I went without sex for so long - feeling like a hideous old troll. Now I'm doing it ten times a week.

A semi-medical use for porn? I really do not buy that. Porn is a flight from reality, not a way to improve your reward from engagement with it.

When you separate libido from the context of the relationship you cannot hope to make forward progress.

I don't think it is the porn. You're not sexually compatible. I think you know what you need to do.

He has become used to separating sex from intimacy, the porn meets that need and feeds it, the more he uses the less likely he is to form an intimacy with you

I would worry that it has escalated to web sites etc as at one point the porn fails to have the desired effect...it it like a high

The fact that he is attending counseling reluctantly and irregularly tells you where he is it, ie hasn't bought into recovery. It might be worth seeing a csat for them to assess where he is at, the therapist would also be able to support you

I think you have chosen to gloss over the fact that sex wasn't that important to him when you first met.It's disingenuous to lay all the blame at his door when you chose to marry him.

Having said that I can see why years of being with someone takes it's toll. Personally I might suggest the open marriage senario as it takes the pressure off you both. Will sex still be such an issue when you are both in your 69's or 70's? Perhaps if it's festered into your friendship (which may already be the case).

You can't change other people's behaviour, that's down to them. So really you do need to do something.

You sound fantastic. Have you considered that he might be seeing sex workers while he is away or whenever? Check bank statements and credit cards and do it now without telling him. If you don't have access ask him and if he refuses you know something's up.
His addiction could have escalated and it is abusive.
Hope I'm wrong but think he could be leading secret life?
Don't want you to waste anymore time on him

HelenaDove You seem to be the only with an agenda here...I get it, you don't like porn (and perhaps men) and you think all this is ops fault in the eyes of her dh, because she said he can't look at porn.

Well, guess what...I don't like dh looking at porn & he is mature enough to not withhold sex because of it.

This guy may simply have a low sex drive, yet you seem happy to paint his as the bad guy, totally over looking the ops pushiness & insistence that she NEEDS sex!

If this was a male writing this, his wife would have been pitied & we would be telling him he is a rapist, a misogynist, that he should leave his wife etc...

Differentname, he owes her an explanation. You can't just unilaterally decide there will be no sex henceforth, and not even try to sit your partner down and talk about it. I agree, I don't think I said that he doesn't! But she needs to pull back & stop the pressure. Stop acting like its all about her. But that is all I agree with in your post, because you have totally made it all his problem. We have no idea how he is feeling, but it's all his fault because he watches porn! No one ever thinks that he has taken to porn because he finds it easier than having sex with his wife! She sounds demanding & selfish!

The reason we have no idea how he is feeling is because he has not bothered talking about his feelings. He has not offered any explanation as to why he has no interest in sex, or what he is getting out of the relationship. Because of his silence the OP does not know where she stands with her own husband. She does not know if the issue is him or her or both of them. Things have got to the point where she suspects him of lying about porn use or having an affair. There is a basic issue of lack of trustworthiness and selfishness here that he introduced into the relationship, and he has done nothing to win back the trust or mature into a less selfish partner. He is not 'present' in their sexual relationship (such as it is), and she feels his heart is not in it. He has a phone and a bank account that she has no access to.

'No one ever thinks that he has taken to porn because he finds it easier than having sex with his wife!' actually this is exactly what I have stated. He has chosen porn because he is too lazy to make the effort to find out what might satisfy his wife, to engage in a real relationship with a real women, too immature to start a conversation or tell her what is going on. This is very much a case of 'all his fault because he watches porn' -- watching porn has allowed him to bypass the relationship altogether. Why would a lazy and immature person challenge himself to create a satisfying sex life with a real women when women with surgically enhanced tits and bums and even pregnant bellies are there to help him get his rocks off with no need for any emotional or even physical risk or effort on his part?

You are coming across as someone who needs to defend porn or to minimise its effects and its attraction. The whole 'if this was a man' bit is a cliche. She hasn't forced herself on him. She hasn't delivered an ultimatum. She is lonely in her marriage, and she wants to feel loved, emotionally and sexually. This according to you is 'demanding and selfish!' and he and his libido are flowers too fragile to stand the pressure.

Yes, I don't like dh watching porn but yet I want to defend it.

I can see there is no point engaging with you, as you have already decide this man can do no right!

I didn't suggest she forced her self on him, but she does admit to pushing him to have sex, which would be a huge red flag if this were a man posting!

Surely most people are able to pursue a vigorous sex life with their partner and still masturbate as often as they wish. The two activities are not mutually exclusive.

What on earth are you talking about, different?

She is married to a man who would rather watch porn than have sex with her. Who thinks about porn when he has sex with her. Who won't touch her intimately and doesn't cares about her enjoyment. And you think, oh yeah, she's got a huge red flag over her.

Weird.

I've seen men posting about their wives not having sex with them for years and years, and 90% of responses will be 'you poor fella, have you tried talking to her about it? and when they say she won't, invariably the answer will be this isn't going to work.'

I don't get why you are pretending there is this huge gap in response.

just dump him. Hes not into you and never has been. Its not your size, its not your fault. Hes a shit lover and a shit partner.

Or if you dont want to dump him, tell him you want an open relationship because hes so shit in bed

would you dump him for an affair, but not dump him for making you feel crap constantly?

It would seem that this man has tried to be honest.

He has stated "I like watching..." and "I think of porn when I fuck you"

This is all you need to know. Could be selfishness, has some kind of hang up about intimacy, worried about performance, gets little pleasure from sex and more from masturbation? could it be he is voyeuristic? Whatever the issue he isn't willing to overcome it, and perhaps it could be argued why should he? And what is more why should you? Can you change your sexuality and accept no sex for the rest of your life? No.

All the time you stay put, make supper, make chatter, clean up, cook and generally support him emotionally, he has no good reason to address the issue. He doesn't think that sex is part of a normal healthy intimate and committed relationship between equals, or an expression of love and desire for another person. Maybe he needs to learn this, and quite possibly the best way to learn is to experience the withdrawal of support and partnership, he can then live out his days on his own with a dog for company and a guilt free stash of porn. If he were capable of putting your feelings first he would have done so, or at least tried.

If voyeurism is his thing, maybe suggest you have that affair, he can then watch you get yours (not literally of course) you may as well because life is too short to have someone else dictate the terms of your own sexuality. As others have stated, he may well harbour resentment over the porn issue, but you now harbour resentment over his imposing the no sex rule upon your life.

So, as I see it, he wants porn let him have it, you want sex, go get it. Then you will see just as selfish and unreasonable he is, or not.

Everyone seems to be missing a very major point here... OP you said your husband enjoyed sex with you whenever you were pregnant, you think he prefers you bigger, with bigger boobs and bum. He also watches porn that features women with big bottoms. You say you are normally slim size 8-10. Maybe the reason he's gone off sex is very very simple- maybe he is only turned on by curvier women?
You may be slender and take care of your body, but some men don't find slender women sexually attractive (even though society would have us believe otherwise!) For some men, thin women are simply a big turn-off.
I agree he should have discussed all this with you ages ago- rejecting you constantly and flirting with other women is cruel and self-centred of him. And telling you he thinks of porn during sex is either very unkind or very thoughtless, depending on the context and whether you'd asked him to be honest about it.

However, if he doesn't find you sexually attractive because of your size, he can't change that, even if he wants to. Yes he could make more effort in bed, and show you more love and affection, but it won't change the underlying issue. Sexual attraction is a very primitive drive, not something people choose. For men visual attraction and how a woman's body feels in bed is very important. He can't control how attractive he finds you by changing his attitude or the way he thinks. The question is, how important is it for you to feel sexually desired, and would you accept compromise (eg more effort from him) to save your marriage?

My partner of 10 years has a high sex drive, but openly admits he is not attracted to thin women. I'm usually a size 10-12 but at one point in our relationship I was a size 8. We still had sex but it was infrequent and half-hearted, he said he didn't like 'feeling bones' and the lack of 'padding' made it uncomfortable for him at times. He also worried he'd hurt me because I looked 'fragile'. He was still loving, but our sex life suffered until I gained weight. He later admitted he finds size 8 women 'unfeminine' and that my skin was looser and less firm when I was this size.
I'm now pregnant (9 weeks) and he wants sex all the time, mainly because I'm curvier and my boobs have gone up 2 cup-sizes! He wants to touch me all the time and says my skin feels smoother and firmer.

OP I suggest you sit down with your husband asap and ask him to be very honest about why he's gone off sex. Ask him outright if he finds your size unattractive. Ask him if he only desires women with fuller figures. Try to be understanding. And try not to blame him or get upset if this is the reason. He can't control what turns him on. But he does need to communicate honestly and openly, so you have the facts and can decide where to go from here.

different you are talking bollocks. Ruskin is right.....there have been men post on here in the same position who have got the same advice. I have read many of the Black Lace books btw Its written erotica....words on a page so you know no one is being exploited.

Mini and Math.....fab posts I couldnt say it better.

sukie I have to say I find your post incredibly depressing. Seriously you're ok with your husband only finding you sexually attractive when you're a certain size?

I'd rather be single.

different for you to say that i dont like men just because i dont think the OP should put up with this says a lot about YOUR agenda.

Absolute rubbish. I like men and sex.

Chimchimini... It's not about being a 'certain size' in my case, it's about not becoming too thin. He was still sexually attracted to me when I was underweight, just with far less passion. He was just as loving and caring but he was honest about how my weight loss affected his sexual desire. I think honesty and communication are the key elements here.

I also don't think there is anything wrong with finding a certain size more sexually attractive (provided it's a healthy size and not encouraging anorexia/obesity).
Men are programmed to be attracted to healthy, fertile women so it's easy to see why many are turned off by thinness or obesity.
Why is it depressing that a man should prefer curves to slenderness? Different people are attracted to different body types.

How many women here can honestly say they would be just as sexually attracted to their partner if his weight/build suddenly changed? That it wouldn't have any impact on your sex life or his skill as a lover?

I really don't understand how people trot out the allegation that 'men are programmed...' to be or do x or y or z when one look around the average high street illustrates the exact opposite of whatever it is that men are supposed to do.

Women in general change shape and size , often quite significantly, over the course of their reproductive lives. She was not pregnant when she first met him, and neither I presume were his previous partners. The body shape thing is a red herring. This man has told her to her face that he finds masturbating to porn easier.

As well as that it took a couple of years for the OP to get him to talk about the porn, all the while wondering what was wrong with her. It is just flat out cruel to disregard your wife this way while you eat food she cooked and wear clothes she ironed and sit in a room she hoovered. He has a nice setup here - children, home, nice looking wife, and a sex life that involves the least possible effort/most possible gratification and to heck with the OP.

Then there is the lipstick on the collar, the fact he has an account she has no access to, a phone that is private, and that he works away. Plus it took a couple of years to get him to talk about the porn. And the flirting quite early on. This is not a man who is programmed to like heavier women. He looks like a player and porn addict to me.

I agree Maths.

This is a guy who is treating his partner like shit.

I agree he is not treating her well, but it seems his only crime is lacking sexual interest and failing to communicate about it or take steps to fix it. Maybe he doesn't realise how important sex is to her, or how much she needs him to touch her? He previously had counselling for porn addiction, suggesting he was willing to address that problem. He might be willing to see a therapist again, about the current problem.

Math, I disagree that the body shape issue is a red herring. It's perfectly plausible he just doesn't find her as sexually attractive anymore, linked to preferring her with more curves. It's significant that OP identified his liking for curvier women as a possible reason why he lost interest. Women are bombarded with messages that thin=sexually attractive (marketing/fashion etc) but being slender is no guarantee a man will find you sexually attractive. OP also mentions she used to have 'men queing up to date me' but this was 10 years ago and people's sexual appeal changes over time. Maybe it's unrealistic to expect him to find her as sexually attractive at 40 as he did at 30, especially after having 3 children together.

Maybe he needs a different approach to sex to help him get in the mood but is too shy to discuss it? Or feels he's lost his ability to please her sexually so has given up?
To go from having sex 4-5 times a week to once a year indicates something is seriously wrong.

I don't think it's fair to assume he's having an affair, or is gay, or is asexual or addicted to porn again. That's taking the easy option. There's no hard evidence he's having an affair. Flirty behaviour a long time ago, working away, an isolated incident of lipstick on his collar... you're jumping to conclusions. My friend once got lipstick on my partner's collar right in front of me when she hugged him in greeting!

There could be any number of reasons he's gone off sex... he could be depressed, worried about his performance in bed, stressed at work. He could just be bored with the type of sex! After 10 years maybe it has became predictable and un-adventurous to him. Maybe it needs spicing up. Maybe he only enjoys it in positions she dislikes, or would like her to wear sexy lingerie/outfits that turn him on. Sex is something both partners need to work at and talk about. It doesn't sound like he's getting any gratification from their sex life either!

I think it would be crazy to throw away a 10-year marriage and break up the family unit without first finding out
exactly why he's gone off sex. He might be willing to go to couple therapy or try new ideas. It might be something you can fix together.