DH uninterested in sex for years. Loves porn. WTAF? Is he having an affair? So ***king angry.

[FallsAsleep]

DH and I have been together about 10 years. From 30 to 40. Done having kids now, we have 3.

When we first met we had sex 4-5 times a week. Never more than once in a night. The first time I've had a BF that seemed to be able to 'take it or leave it' about sex but he was often "too tired" for a morning session or again later in the night, and everything else in our relationship was wonderful so I ignored it.

When I did push him to do it, he was so kind of 'heavy' as though he was struggling to stay awake, and it was all too much effort, that I gave up trying.

He was interested in having sex when I've been pregnant. I think he likes me bigger with a big bum and boobs. I mention this because he also has a porn addiction (watching women with big butts being shagged from behind). That's what turns him on it appears. When I am not pregnant I am a slim size 8-10. He has had counselling for the porn and no longer watches it.

In between trying for babies we have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a year. At the moment it has been over a year.

I don't particularly enjoy sex with him because he doesn't touch me or run his hands over my skin. Sorry if TMI, but I don't feel 'desired' by him. He seems to have no idea what turns me on she touching me down there. But the real problem is, he doesn't seem to want to know either. The least amount of effort he can out in, he will. It's so depressing writing this down.

I used to make an effort in bed to turn him on. I don't feel like bothering anymore when we do have sex because I know he can't be bothered to try and make me orgasm. He is the only man I've been with who doesn't seem to get turned on by seeing me turned on.

Is he having an affair?? He travels every month for work, it's definitely doable for him and I would have no way of knowing.

Is he asexual? Is he gay?

I am laying in bed next to him, waiting for him to fall asleep so I can run my hands over my own body!!! I need him to do that but he doesn't.

When he cuddles me, he never slips his hands under my clothes to touch my skin. Is that weird or am I being weird needing that so much?

He does make an effort to kiss and cuddle me when he comes home from work but always in front of the kids (not sexually, just affectionately). When the kids are in bed he falls asleep or watches TV. It's almost as if it's 'safe' for him to kiss me when the kids are there as he knows it can't lead to anything.

I cuddle into him at night, he never comes to me for a cuddle. I lay there with his arms heavy like a weight on me, like it's a chore for him. He never glides his hands over me or actually cuddles me.

I need sex. I am desperate. I want to go out an have passionate sex with someone I have just met. Or an ex BF. Anyone who actually wants me rather than just going through the motions like my DH does.

What is his fucking problem? I am not unnactractive. I used to have guys queuing up to date me. It's like sex is too much fucking effort for him. I am so frustrated and resentful. Sorry this is so long. I needed a massive rant.

Poor OP, this thread has gone so far off track. Please come back OP and ignore the...er...unhelpful posts.

I just want to point out that his response to a certain type of figure/scenario is as likely to be cultivated by habitual use of a certain kind of porn, as to reflect an pre existing preference. Sukie you say he preferred the OP when she was curvier, I'd argue there is no evidence he engaged with the OP at any point. He admitted he thinks of porn during sex, and when OP was larger there would have been less of a disconnect between the porn fantasy in his head and the reality. So sadly he may actually have been more, not less, detached. That fantasy may be powerful not because he had any initial preference for larger women, but because the attraction to that image was created through porn use, an area where he can function more comfortably than intimacy with another person.

Interesting description of porn being 'vanilla' and I see what you're getting at... But in this context I used vanilla to mean sex that is average, routine, jaded sex. Sex with nothing new, daring or kinky about it. Many men are bored with this type of sex after a few years. So are many women. Obviously I have no idea what OPs sex life was like before he lost interest (we don't have that information). But I advise OP to ask herself: did I meet him halfway? Did I explore his fantasies? Was I open to trying different types of sex? Did I experiment with new ideas? Did I discuss my sexual needs and teach him how to please me? Did I learn how to please him in the way he liked best? Could I have done more to excite, stimulate and make our sex life more interesting?
If yes to all the above, then I agree, the problem is not with her.

I believe sex is an art. It's not something you 'offer' to your husband on a plate and expect him to be grateful for. You learn what gets each other aroused, and you keep learning. If one person shuts off this experience there's usually a deeper problem behind it. I'm not saying that problem isn't porn or an affair in OPs case, but it would make sense to look at more obvious causes before accusing him.

It always amazes me when friends complain their husband has lost interest in sex... then they admit they would only ever have sex with him in the missionary position with the lights off! They don't consider he might be bored. Men have sexual needs too.

Back2... lots of men enjoy porn and have great sex lives with their partners too. Porn doesn't usually become a substitute for real sex. Many men watch porn and still experience the closeness, vulnerability and emotional bonding of sex with their partner, without feeling detached at all.
What you are saying is equivalent to saying a woman can't read an erotic novel and be good in bed too!

"Obviously I have no idea what OPs sex life was like before he lost interest (we don't have that information). But I advise OP to ask herself: did I meet him halfway? Did I explore his fantasies? Was I open to trying different types of sex? Did I experiment with new ideas? Did I discuss my sexual needs and teach him how to please me? Did I learn how to please him in the way he liked best? Could I have done more to excite, stimulate and make our sex life more interesting?"

So you have NO idea what OPs sex life was like before but you are now advising the OP to ask herself..what? utterly crap questions based on the worst advice EVER given on mumsnet? sheesh.

Baker... I didn't say she was a 'scrawny bag of bones' not sure where you got that from. I was simply pointing out that different men prefer different body-types. Lots of men prefer women with curves/big boobs/big bottoms and maybe that's what floats his boat. OP highlighted that as a possible explanation in 2 posts.

And to all the people labelling him as cruel, withholding affection, emotionally abusive... I think you're being too harsh and judgemental. OP said he often initiates non-sexual cuddling and kisses. It doesn't sound like he's using sex to control her eg as a reward/punishment like some abusive partners do. If he doesn't fancy her and he can't fake it, it's really nobody's fault! I agree he needs to tell her if this is the case, but maybe he's too afraid of breaking up the marriage and losing his kids. Maybe he thinks he's doing the honourable thing by sticking by her and continuing to be a husband, father and provider.

Sounds like the OP's husband could ask himself some of those questions.

Botanica... it's common sense to ask yourself these things before assuming your husband is gay, asexual, having an affair or a relapsing porn addict.

What's your advice? Assume the worst and kick him out?

Hi everyone. Wow, a lot of responses. Some very helpful, a couple just plain off. Thank you, I appreciate your posts and the advice offered. Can I just address the point about "pushing him to have sex" please? I worded that badly. All I meant was I initiated. He wasn't saying he didn't want to, he just wasn't particularly enthusiastic and was happy for me to do most of the work (sorry for the TMI).

I do think about him, and how he's feeling. Yes maybe I need to fix him. I have a tendency to think in that way even when my friends and relatives have problems, I try to fix as I want to help.

In this scenario, it is for me too as actually he seems fine with no sex but I would like to have sex.

I don't think it's an affair, I do think yes he probably still looks at porn and does private browsing. I also think now I'm over the initial shock of finding out about the porn I care less about it. I think I care less that he watches it because it's hugely draining trying to get him to change and I haven't got the inclination to help him anymore. As has been correctly pointed out here anyway, HE has to want to change.

I think he does want a normal sex life deep down, but he doesn't want it enough. He is too lazy to ever do something about it, I mean really address the problem and properly sort it out. And that's what I have here - I need to either live with that or not.

Sukie FFS I bet hes fucking happy for her to clean up after him and cook for him and wash his dirty pants though.

OP is being used. If he doesnt fancy her anymore why doesnt HE end the relationship? Because he will lose his status as Happily Married Family Man thats why!

And you are putting all the responsibility on the OP when HE is the one checking out FFS

"Obviously I have no idea what OPs sex life was like before he lost interest (we don't have that information)."

Er...you could start by reading the OP before you trot out your shitty, unhelpful shit-stirring 'advice'. The OP is quite clear about what their sex life was like previously so yeah, you do have that information, you are either a) thick or b) choosing to ignore it. Or both. Who cares.

"Yes maybe I need to fix him."

Dear God you are not responsible for "fixing" this man OP.

Sex life previously - it was not missionary with lights off! Adventurous yes, passionate yes, open to what he liked yes. Kinky no, doing things I was uncomfortable with, no.

I do often think he just doesn't fancy me anymore.

Helena I know that and said so in my post. I have a natural tendency to try to fix things so just acknowledging that is in my subconscious.

"And that's what I have here - I need to either live with that or not."

Please don't choose to live with that OP, you will regret it in years to come if you do. Seriously, you can do better than this excuse for a man. It is not your responsibility to 'fix' him.

you will find a decent person out there who values a real-life relationship with YOU, why are you settling for anything less at the moment? habit? trying for the sake of your children? Don't bother, you only have one life, go and grab it with both hands, find someone that finds YOU attractive and vice versa.

He has no benchmark of what a healthy relationshipis. His parents intensely dislike each other but still live together. They tolerate each other to keep up appearances.

No one in his family is in a good marriage, literally no one.

His friends, a similar story.

Botanicac I think you misunderstood OP and the advice others were giving her.
OP wants to improve things. She thinks there's still a chance they can make it work. She wants to fix the problem with their marriage. I greatly admire her for that. It takes more courage to try and fix a problem than give up and opt out!! Good luck OP and don't listen to all the idiots telling you he's not worth it!! Only you have the knowledge and power to decide that.

OP that's an interesting point about his family background and friends. It sounds like he didn't grow up with good examples of marriage and as a result has no working protype of what a happy marriage involves. Perhaps he needs help to fully understand what's required of him as a husband. If sex isn't high on his priorities he might struggle to comprehend why it's so important to you. Do you think he'd attend couples counselling with you? (Eg if it was focused on the relationship rather than just about sex).

I meant prototype not protype lol

no goldicac I don't misunderstand at all, i am all for trying to improve things and thinking there's a chance 'to make it work' and 'fix a problem' but that cannot be one-sided.

Yup, 'fixing' a marriage is to be admired and does take courage but the effort has to come from BOTH partners, I am not seeing that here.

We only need "its a woman who holds hearth and home and family together" and we will have the full set!

He has no benchmark of what a healthy relationshipis. His parents intensely dislike each other but still live together. They tolerate each other to keep up appearances.

Isn't that what you are proposing for your own children OP?

'I believe sex is an art. It's not something you 'offer' to your husband on a plate and expect him to be grateful for. You learn what gets each other aroused, and you keep learning. If one person shuts off this experience there's usually a deeper problem behind it. I'm not saying that problem isn't porn or an affair in OPs case, but it would make sense to look at more obvious causes before accusing him.'

Oh for the love of puppies.

Seriously? 'more obvious causes'?

But Back2, Don't you know Men have sexual needs too.?

Good luck OP and don't listen to all the idiots telling you he's not worth it!!

A man who won't have sex with his wife - but more importantly doesn't give a shit about it - is a prince among men. Where do we sign up?

Back2... some posters on here really need educating about sex and marriage! OP is talking sense but you're still telling her to just leave her husband... you're implying it's hopeless, that it will never improve, that she can't fix it and shouldn't try! You're still trying to persuade OP an affair is the only reason he's gone off sex! How is that modern, open-minded or supportive? If she wants to leave him she will. I agree with Gold it's braver to try and fix your marriage problems than quit. Her husband's only real crime is lack of enthusiasm for sex and not talking it through with her. OP said she doesn't think its an affair so why are you still attempting to convince her otherwise? That's cruel and poisonous even if you try to disguise it as 'being helpful'! Have some respect for OP and her decisions.

Op at the end of the day you are the only one that can talk to him, sit him down and tell him everything....if he doesn't want to talk, or he dismisses your feelings then you know where you stand