Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

[MrsCs]

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

Those two questions are hardly recommendations to split. They sound like open questions normally used to facilitate a discussion.

There's barely a thread that runs its course without counselling being recommended.

LTB

(sorry what was the original post again)

Yes, LTB & go NC with all your relatives seems to cover all bases.

Sorry I don't know what LTB is?

To be perfectly honest, the only thing that has surprised me in the four years I've been on Mn is how many posters appear genuinely not to realise they are in deeply dysfunctional relationships, in which they endlessly compromise, sacrifice, and explain away behaviour they do not see as abnormal, on the part of partners who never make equivalent gestures. It seems to me that the advice to consider leaving because you deserve better, is pretty salutary.

Here here MrsCs! I couldn't agree more.

Some of the behaviour described on here is absolutely unacceptable - and the right advice is LTB.

But some of it sounds like the ups and down that every couple has and with a positive attitude and some creativity it ought be possible to push on through and stay together.

I've done some crockery smashing and door slamming in my time and so has my other half. We figure that's going to happen from time to time when we're tired or frustrated or whatever. We don't see it as a reason to split up.

We love each other to bits - but every now and again we struggle to get along. We're both strong personalities so there are bound to be sparks.

Like MrsCs, I'd like to see a few more 'see if you can make it work' posts instead of 'why are you together?'

Well said RatMort

If you don't think the advice, or just lines of things for OP to think about are right, or are too limited, or are lacking in any other way, it's probably best that you post the different view on the thread itself.

I don't like this type of thread, because I'm always left scratching my head, and wondering what was wrong and why. But of course spinning off concrete examples to another thread would be desperately unfair on that OP.

Leave The Bastard

Usually, the reason for posting is the tip of the iceberg. If you start askig questions, the OP either defends the partner, which can be telling in itself, or the rest floods out.

If even one person can be enlightened by being told to LTB, and get out of an abusive relationship then surely thats a good thing? Why would it be otherwise?

By the time people post here about being miserable in their relationship and the generally horrible way their partner treats them, they've usually been miserable and the relationship volatile for years. They've usually explored all the options they think are open to them to improve or save their relationship. By the time they post, they're at the end of the road or very close to it. Often they're posting just to get things straight in their head, or to have someone hear them, or because they're desperate. They often know deep down that their relationship is over, really, and are trying to get the courage together to make the right decision. Often their self-esteem has taken a battering over the years, they're depressed, and they know they need to leave but need to hear that they aren't making a rash decision and turning their lives and those of their children upside down over nothing.

Rarely does anyone post here about a short-term problem in their relationship that they haven't tried to sort out with their partner and get told to LTB.

Thanks Paleo, was confused!

Auntie, I'll try to in future, but it was a general impression from a number of similar threads. Ones usually around partners (male or female) not pulling their weight around the house or with child rearing. I'm not saying these aren't issues but like ToYouToMe said stuff is a struggle sometimes.

I've been married to my OH for five years this years, together two before that and it's been damn hard going at times. It just makes me sad how quickly people on here seem to suggest giving up.

We are all human and there is no guarantee heading off into the sunset is going to immediately result in dream person materialising.

@ DeliciousMonster If even one person can be enlightened by being told to LTB, and get out of an abusive relationship then surely thats a good thing? Why would it be otherwise?

Because many of the poster on here are in a vulnerable state, which makes them more open to suggestion than they would be normally.

Saying LTB as a knee-jerk reaction, often before the facts are known, means that some posters will do just that - when their relationship could have been saved.

Good relationships are NOT hard work. Why do you believe that? Ups and downs yes, hard work no. Why would you be with someone if it was hard work to be with them? Why would you do that to yourself. So many women seem to completely lack self-esteem. I never hear men saying "relationships are hard work". Don't married men and single women live longer? You can see why if you think you're meant to be working hard for a man (he doesn't think that way about it, I guarantee it). Why do you think relationships are hard to the point where someone would cry out for help but they're still something good? When for example your partner/spouse is ill or there are money problems or whatever, I understand that. But in general? No, it's easy, it's so easy and it makes my life easier and it makes his life easy and it is easy and lovely and great. And yes we have been together a while and have had our ups and downs. It's not hard work though in any sense. I just don't see how someone thinks they can give advice when their "good" relationship is "hard work". My relationship is good, it is not hard and doesn't make me complain. If someone else's does and there's no easy fix, they should leave. It's obvious.

Delicious and Comtesse, there are tons of threads about normal relationship problems, not just abuse!! People ask for advice on issues are simple as parking on here, it's perfectly normal for threads to not only be a last resort.

Obviously when there are threads involving abuse leaving is good advice, I did say that already.

It's not about leaving to find the dream person, it's about leaving. You have to put up with a certain amount of shit in a job because you need that to live. So at a certain point finding a new job is worse than staying. You don't need a man to live. It's better to be single than have to work hard to please a man

Rina there have been times I've found a relationship hard work, I don't think that's unusual. It is usually when other things were happening like fertility issues. Overall being with OH makes my life far better.

Can you point me to a thread where someone was advised to LTB for a parking issue?

Here here op It winds me off the clock too. Been married to dh for over 25yrs but if I listened to the nonsense given on here sometimes then we wouldn't have made it past the first six months. He likes to give the 'control' moves a try every now and then ...likes to question my movements and sometimes wants to try and be financially controlling... according to all the advice on here I should leave him, immediately, tonight !!! you know what, I just told him to stop being a fuckwit. that seemed a better and calmer way forward..works for me

MrsC - Have you read the OP of the sticky thread at the top of this forum?

If not, please do :)

Funnily enough I was asked those two questions when I first posted about my ex.

I was baffled by them. Why on earth would I question why I was in a relationship? Getting from it? What a horrible selfish view of relationships!

A good few years on, I think these questions are vital. So many people coast along never ever asking them. But they are essential! Why?

Asking "why are you in the relationship" is a great one. If your answer is "Because I love him!" or "What? Why shouldn't I be?" that speaks volumes. No, you shouldn't be in a relationship just because it's a relationship. It should not be the default to stay, it should be the default to question - perhaps the opposite in a longer term relationship or marriage, but only if you've gone through the first period questioning. But many people don't. It has to be done. If you can answer this question immediately without really thinking too hard about it "Because he is inspiring, hard working, a good dad, kind, caring, etc" (or whatever, not suggesting that is the only right answer at all!) - then fine. If you can't, or it takes a long time to figure out, that's really not a good sign for the relationship.

Asking "What are you getting out of this" is not selfish. It's not about "what can I get from a relationship, screw the other person!", it's about a societal pattern that women tend to put a lot more into heterosexual relationships than men do. There are basic positives that a relationship should bring to both partners - emotional support, fun, happiness, boost in self esteem, a reduction in responsibility workload, sex. None of these should be missing without good reason.

Often people don't question either of these things which is why they are asked. They are also good gauges of the general health of the relationship. When someone is in an unhealthy relationship, it's difficult to think of things that are positive about it other than rather bland vague things like "the kids adore him" or "we've been together 10 years" or "I suppose he helps with the housework sometimes." And if you're feeling guilty "He brings in money, but I'm not with him for his money" that's a clear sign that either things aren't as equal as they should be or he's making you feel guilty about the basic things which are an expectation in a relationship (money not necessarily, but sharing the responsibility of running a household, which includes bringing in money, is an expectation in an adult relationship.)

I never said that Delicious! I meant mumsnet is used for all levels of advice, from serious to less serious. To be honest I think you are well aware of that and trying to be sarcastic. I'll pick this up tomorrow but hormones have won over for tonight (36 weeks) and I need bed lol.

A good relationship is not hard work.

You may have been exaggerating for effect but the truth is that it's not given as advice on every relationship thread. There was a thread this week where no posters advised LTB. They did suggest counselling and other possible solutions. In fact the posters all posted along similar lines to your OP ie relationships have ups and downs, etc.

Sometimes very wise and experienced posters pick up in nuances in an OP that can lead them to say LTB. But, in most cases, they have correctly identified an undercurrent of abuse.

I think posters who haven't experienced abusive relationships or worked in that field can be a bit bemused at how quickly some threads seem to escalate but that's because they're not as aware of the signs.

I also have complete faith in other MNers - I don't think any of them would LTB on the strength of a post on an internet forum. But, if someone wants to leave and is searching for help and support then I think this is one of the best places they could come.

MrsC - you've used arguments over housework and childcare as one example topic: most of the time, the posters at their wits end because their partner shirks his responsibility for domestic chores and family life have lived like this for years and explained to the partner how it makes them feel until they're blue in the face.

When somebody continues to act like a lazy slob and leaves others to run around cleaning up after them like a maid, despite having been told time and time again for years on end that this is disrespectful and hurtful behaviour which makes their partner feel taken for granted and not respected, the problem is not simply about trying to solve the lack of input to domestic chores: it's about whether it's really possible to save a relationship where one partner thinks the other should skivvy and isn't at all bothered that their partner isn't happy with the situation.