Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

[MrsCs]

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

I'm new and also had the same impression. My relationship is at times a struggle, at other times is fantastic - we work at it though. If he is being a rude arse I will try not to antagonise the situation, and then challenge him about it when he has calmed down; usually with good responses and an apology. The advice here seems to be not to pander to bad moods but to get rid - the people who are doling out this advice must be ever so perfect and never have a bad day. I'd hate to feel that just because my partner snapped at me, I would do anything to make him even more miserable - if either of us are in a bad mood we do nice things for each other to pull us out of the bad mood and get us back on track. That people suggest to call them out on it and get rid just seems so childish and antagonistic. How do people live their lives like this?

MrsC - again that's not a relationship that's hard work, that's two people going through a very tough time together and managing, thankfully, to get out the other side.

All couples hit difficult times in their life. And they may struggle to connect with each other during those times. That's normal. But it's not normal, during those times, for one partner to shout abuse, or to shove the other partner, or to start sleeping around. In those cases, no matter what the life circumstances, posters will start questioning (rightly IMO) what's going on.

If you'd posted at the time I have absolutely no doubt that people would have said fertility treatment is very stressful, try to hang in there, take a break if you need to, etc. I doubt LTB would have been uttered, unless one of you was actually abusive towards the other one.

FWIW I love being in a relationship, love being in love, love having the suport of someone else rather than having to do everything myself - to LTB for someone having a bit of a rough time - harsh!

I suffered from depression for a while and was pretty unbearable until my meds kicked in - if my OH had LTB me for acting as I was I don't know where I would be now.

A little compassion and understanding goes a long way :)

AuntieDee - you say "we work at it." So does your partner work on not being a rude arse?

@AuntieDee..... I think you must be reading different threads to me. Yes, in a fundamentally good relationship, both people are usually setting out to make each other happy. They might get it wrong occasionally and challenges can get in the way but the motivation to do better comes from a place of equality. All they need is encouragement to be kinder and to apologise where necessary.

What we see here depressingly often is a thoroughly one-sided and unequal arrangement where one partner is constantly in a bad mood (often deliberately) and the other is repeatedly appeasing, pandering and suppressing their own needs to the point where they have to ask..... 'is this normal?' Telling someone in that kind of situation that it's normal is poor judgement. As is telling them to try harder.

I posted here for the first time at my lowest ebb, when my ex was being so awful that my mental health was suffering due to a decade of emotional abuse. It wasn't til I LTB that I first posted. I should have posted here years before that. Am not sure posting sooner would have made me leave (am nothing if not determined) but I know I would have got masses of support and understanding. The scales have now fallen from my eyes and most of the posters on here share that wisdom of the sheer scale of dysfunctional relationships around. It's from this position that posters remind women that they are entitled to have their needs for emotional/practical support/to be respected: met. Even after they become mothers (shock horror).

I read the relationships board a lot and I don't agree at all.

There are many times when people try to get the poster to consider their partner's point of view or they recommend counselling or they point out that the years with a young family are stressful but things can get better in time.

LTB is almost always saved for when it should be seriously considered.

When I posted on here for relationship advice I was amazed at how many posters were able to predict how the abusive behaviour was going to escalate (it did) and it gave me the strength to end it. No regrets.

The advice here seems to be not to pander to bad moods but to get rid

No it isn't. A bad mood would get advice to find out what was going on.

A bad mood for 25 years, coupled with someone who feels like they have been walking on eggshells for 24.5 of those years [or else] is a completely different animal.

And anyway OP - nobody HAS to be in a relationship. It isn't the law. That is why people can divorce in this country. If someone just doesn't want to be in a relationship, then they absolutely do not have to be in one. The amount of times the reason that people don't leave is because of shame of it not working, really is a sad indication of our society.

AuntieDee- a popular opinion would be that it is absolutely, not acceptable to be a rude arse to your partner, and for them to feel they have to pander to you because you're in a bad mood. Also that it's not right that they should not feel responsible for running around after you to 'get you back on track' and stop them being rude to you.

By all means, people have a bad day, they come home and say, love, I've had a really bad day, I feel shit, and their partner does nice things to cheer them up. That sounds lovely and supportive, and what a healthy relationship is, and NOT hard work or a struggle. They don't come home and be a rude arse and expect the other person to run around after them until such time as they stop being a rude arse. Some people may interpret that kind of scenario as a type of emotional abuse, actually.

I just wonder why some of the posters on this thread are taking the Relationships board so personally.

These are other people's threads, about other people's problems.

If you're taking them so personally, is it because you feel that responses on those threads are attacking your own personal life choices?

Joysmum, from what you're saying it sounds like life has been hard, for both of you. That doesn't mean your relationship is hard work

I'm afraid it was and still will be at times. My past means I have an eating disorder and my DH is an overeater too. Now our DD is secret eating and this is affecting our relationship with each other too. Doesn't mean we have a bad relationship, we just don't know how to handle things. It's hard.

I mentioned the guilt and extra pressure that come precisely because you are in a relationship and can't just please yourself and want to affect those around you as little as possible. There are also times where rational behaviour goes out of the window, such as with depression.

I'm afraid it's a fallacy that good things aren't ever hard work. My relationship has been at times, as is exercise and studying and giving up spending today if you've less money than you'd like to save for tomorrow!

I'm pleased for all those who've not experienced how hard things can be though, just wish there was a little more understanding for those who have and not try to tell us we are wrong.

Nerve hitting may be a factor GoatsduRoam. I'm sure anyone who has floated the idea of leaving a partner to someone who has given them the response 'I put up with shit for 30 years so why should you get to walk away and be happy...?' (I paraphrase) .... understands where some of this indignation is coming from.

If you're taking them so personally, is it because you feel that responses on those threads are attacking your own personal life choices?

That's very astute

I'm guilty of this

Again Joys, I would argue those problems are coming from ill health and circumstances, not the relationship. It's perfectly possible to be unwell and to have an unwell child and to still have a great relationship.

If it's the actual relationship causing the problems, then why continue it?

It sounds like you're having a tough time, I hope things get better.

If you're taking them so personally, is it because you feel that responses on those threads are attacking your own personal life choices?

100% right.

I've posted on relationships over the years (under different names), in the first instance I got a resounding LTB. And they were right. Did I leave? It took me years. Was he abusive? In every way possible.

The whole of society was telling me to stay and work at it. Only MN gave me permission to leave. Once I left lots of friends and relatives finally told me how awful my relationship was. They wouldn't tell me whilst I was in it. MN did.

Then later on I posted about a new relationship. I was worried that something was abusive and that my radar was not good enough. MN assured me (and it was many of the same posters) that he hadn't done anything wrong, that I was understandably seeing a problem where there wasn't one. No one said LTB.

I now have a wonderful dh and a normal life and I have no reason to post, so no one will be telling me to LTB. But I am still amazed by what I and others put up with.

My old marriage was constant work (by me). My new marriage isn't work. We have good times, we have hard times, but we are always there for each other, considerate of each other, and support each other. I would never accept less than I have now.

Threads like these pop up every few months, and I wonder why people bother really. No one would leave a great relationship because a person on the Internet told them to. It's fine to question a healthy relationship, because the answers will be positive. We should all question. It helps a good marriage and it helps end a bad one.

Why is that frightening?

Goats - I was just coming back to say something similar, I can't remember the last time I read a thread where posters were saying "leave" or "he won't change" where I didn't agree. (Interestingly, I see "he won't change, do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life?" More than just "leave" - it's just pointing out the myth that if a woman just works hard enough she can change a man, is just that, a myth - you really can't change people)

But there are regular threads where we are told to stop telling woman to leave relationships. I can't help but to look at those as really people fearing that they didn't leave, or wouldn't leave. Seeing so many people looking at a situation they would put up with as not acceptable shakes their idea of what's normal.

Op- DH and I have had crisis and hard times, but our relationship was something to give support and strength to each other during hard times, not something that was a cause of stress at any point.

At no point would it have been easier to deal with the shit I was going through without DH. If your life would be massively improved by being single, deciding to become single is a valid option.

Although not a prolific poster, I am an avid lurker and do look at the relationships board quite often. On many occasions, the original opening post turns out not to tell the full story, what starts out as 'doesn't pull weight in house' or 'threatened me last night' turns out to be one of many incidents or situations in the relationship which is unhealthy or abusive. I take my hat off to the many regular posters on there who offer advice. If you feel you have better advice or insight, by all means post on the thread concerned. Starting a thread about threads in general does not really serve any.purpose.

But who is to say someone's life would be better of by you being single - a bunch of strangers on an internet (some of whom have dubious opinions on pretty much every thread they post on)?

The problem (as I see it) is that while some relationships are obviously dysfunctional, there are others that are going through a down time for whatever reason. I've never, ever in all my years on MN heard those posters who call LTB at the drop of a hat, suggesting that it might be time for anything other than LTB.

Fair enough Sir, if you think that then it's best to post with your alternative view.

SirCh then you haven't read enough. Because I've seen it.

There are posters who are more likely to post on threads that have abusive undertones than the less serious ones. It's their specialism if you like.

If your relationship is actively making you unhappy, and that's all it does, then being alone might not have all the positives a relationship can have, but it won't have the negatives. but as ever it is the poster's decision either way.

But who is to say someone's life would be better of by you being single - a bunch of strangers on an internet (some of whom have dubious opinions on pretty much every thread they post on)?

Who are you to say whose opinions are dubious or not?

If you want to give an alternative opinion on a thread, then do it. Nobody is stopping you.

I agree with the poster who said good relationships are not hard work. I am always baffled when it's seen as the norm that a relationship has to be worked at.
I think you need to stay aware of each other's needs but if you love someone then that's natural surely? There have been some times we've had to get through stuff and sometimes one is in a more selfish place but it takes turns. occasional selfishness should be allowed.

I've read plenty on MN over the years - far too much of my life is spent here . If a certain poster/posters pops up on a Relationship thread then you can bet your last pound that LTB (usually couched in some kind of sneery 'have you no self respect' type manner) will appear.

I'm not saying that there are relationships where that is the obviously the best option - but there are certainly plenty of threads where the OP is simply venting.

But who is to say someone's life would be better of by you being single - a bunch of strangers on an internet

If this bunch of strangers on the Internet is who that person turns to, then why not?

Are you suggesting that people be prevented from getting support online if they are unhappy in their relationship?