Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

[MrsCs]

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

Yes absolutely its life thats hard work. But life impacts on relationships!

Even a strong, happy relationship (like I believe mine is with my DH) can falter under life's pressures. The idea that a 'good relationship' is one that is immune to life and that an intimate relationship over many years with another human being 'should never be hard' is just too Disney for me.

I'm not defending abusive behaviour or saying that anyone should stay long term in a relationship that makes them fundamentally unhappy, btw. I'll be the first to say 'have you considered LTB?' when I read posts from women in relationships with men who seem to treat them like shit.

Saying all good relationships are hard work is just as foolish as saying that good relationships are not. And talking about things being "the truth". Why can't people understand that people have different perceptions about what these words mean to different people?

I found it really offensive that people up thread turned on OP for saying she found her relationship hard work and made digs that it was a bad relationship therefore.

There's this "you deserve the best" claptrap, a parody of a self help pamphlets. Nobody deserves or doesn't deserve anything in life. There's this "come on sister, see what you deserve" attitude and then implying "if you're excepting anything less than you're a fool!" In a decidedly un sisterly manner next.

I ended the relationship before oh after about six months of trying everything I could

I feel OP, that you think its very important to be in a relationship. I've ended relationships without any much trying on my part at all. Would you say that's such a wrong approach? If so, why?

As for whether a good relationship can be hard -work, I'm not sure. As an introvert, I find spending a lot of time with anyone - even DH my most favorite person in the world - quite tiring sometimes. I know that if we got sick or unemployed or bereaved etc, or were forced to spend great periods of time together, I would struggle and find it very tough - without the relationship being intrinsically wrong.

It depends on what you mean by "falter" jumbee. I know I seem to be nitpicking here but I do think it's relevant.

I think in any relationship there will be times that partners will get on each others' nerves - intimacy might wane, connection might be lost, things might be a bit sad and flat. There are ways back from that, it just involves reconnecting, getting a bit of fun and closeness back into the relationship.
But in my book there is never an excuse for things like name-calling, any sort of aggression, infidelity, lack of respect etc.

We're not all going to be happy-clappy at all times. But expecting basic respect at all times, no matter what, is not too much in my book.

I really, really hope my DD feels that she can leave any relationship she is not happy in. The idea that she will grow up thinking splitting up is her last option makes me feel quite sick.

Thanks tobee, you've kind of summed up better than me. The idea of what separation does, split Christmases, birthdays, the challenge of blending new families and all of that is huge. There are many dysfunctional, awful relationships out there, but also couples just doing their best in a difficult world.

I guess coming from a new member I might feel nervous posting on here given the strong sense of relationship negativity that sometimes comes across on here.

John I don't think either perspective is right or wrong, just different. I've been happily single in the past, not sure what about my post suggests I think being in a relationship is important?

I often think LTB a is used too soon, but then as more info comes to light from the OP I find myself agreeing.

It can be harrowing being on here. I often wish I had the money to put a house aside for women wanting to escape.

It horrified me that women have to stay in the family home with their abusers because abuse can be so hard to prove, they can't afford to leave or to get legal advice

cailindana - I agree absolutely on that point.

But I think 'faltering' can mean a LOT more than just feeling a bit flat or disconnected in a long term relationship. I'm thinking of my own marriage here, but I could probably think of others that I know.

We have had some real crises in our marriage over the years.

I had PND after our first child was born, which shook the foundations of our relationship for a good year or so. I nearly left my DH at that time.

One of our DC has autism and trying to parent him and meet his needs has at times put a huge strain on our marital relationship, despite us working together and being very supportive of each other. It is just exhausting at times and I think we have both gone through periods of having very little left to give to each other.

We have both individually had big things happen in our lives - a major financial problem with DH's company, bereavements, a major health issue for me - that have shaken our own, individual identities and had knock on effects on our relationship.

Its been hard!

Obviously, we are still together and yes, absolutely, the basic respect and affection we have for each other has been central to that. But I do think relationships more often than not take a lot of work. There has to be a pay off for the hard work, though - the thing you are getting from doing it, the love and support - and when thats missing, then yes...LTB might be the answer.

But what does that mean, slice of soup, "we all deserve the best"? That's just a glib phrase. I still think it's extremely arrogant of you to say that relationships shouldn't be hard work. There's know way you can possibly know what those worded mean to everybody. But then, I don't know, maybe you're just incredibly lazy? If that's offensive to you or you thiink I've misunderstood, I think you could say the same about your sweeping judgements on all relationships and what people want from them.

It is not glib to promote the idea that women deserve better than what they expect. All around me, in RL and on here, I see women who are just happy to have a man, any man. What is glib about telling women that they don't have to just settle?

Put in front of me a woman who truly wants to walk on eggshells, feel frustrated, be ignored and overlooked, or feel like shes the only one putting in any effort, then I will accept that what she wants from a relationship is different to what I want.

There is a very large gap between what women want from relationships and what they have been conditioned to expect. IME the posters on the relationships board are attempting to close that gap, and help other women expect the relationship they want instead of convincing themselves to want the relationship they expect.

I stand by what I say about good relationships not being hard work, and I don't think that makes me lazy at all. I have supported my husband through therapy, he has supported me through severe PND. We have supported each other through homelessness, unemployment and extreme poverty. Life threw everything at us at once, and it was hard. We fought, we almost split up. But we made it through because ultimately our relationship was easy. We compliment each other. Even in the midst of our problems, there were no red flags. Just two people struggling.

I agree with PP who said about the demands on the OP to leave, and I have posted about that on another thread. I absolutely do not agree with the pressure that is sometimes put on an OP to take action. But that is a separate issue to being told to LTB. One can happen without the other.

When couples are doing their best in difficult circumstances the advice is not to split and people will offer suggestions such as talking, counselling, etc.
But, when one part of the couple is being constantly selfish and doesn't even try to make it work, or there is obvious abuse, there is little the other one can do but to walk away.

er you said that splitting up was a last resort for you.

So staying in a relationship - except in the cases you said in your op- is always better than ending it. You have gone on to say how awful you think separation is.

I disagree- fortunately others do too.

Besides, I think we should be prepared to leave any relationship and the other partner should know this.
The feeling that you can't/shouldn't leave a relationship is what keeps many people in abusive relationships. The abuser knows it and takes advantage of it.

I have been on the Relationships board a lot, but also a few times for advice. Every time the advice has been spot on. On one instance, it wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but I knew deep down that it was the right advice at the time, and looking back, I'm glad people were able to be honest with me, even if I didn't want to hear it at the time. It really did make me pause long enough to reconsider something dreadfully stupid (reconciliation with an abusive ex) that I am now so so SO glad I did not do.

I think you also have to keep this in context. Most people that post on relationships are posting because they perceive a problem in their relationship, so of course you're going to see a fair bit of advice leaning towards ending a bad relationship. You don't generally see people on here saying "Gee, we're so happy and in love - everything is going well, should I stay?"

I never see anyone give any examples of extreme ltb use on these weird threads

I also think the sly digs at supposedly un-named posters are bang out of order.

I can truly say that MN relationships board improved my whole life immeasurably. I actually have a little online crush on some of the relationship board regulars even though they wouldn't have a scooby doo who I am on here or in rl.

I think it's weird OP that you find it acceptable to critisize the advice others give, yet offer none of your own

I have never in all the years I've been here seen someone come back and say they were given shit advice to LTB, which they followed, which they now regret...

I have seen literally hundreds where posters come back with thanks and an update.

There are lots of stepford style posters here who I can only assume got lost looking for the other site They do a disservice to the rest of us imho.

MrsCs: couples just doing their best in a difficult world

Absolutely.

Blended families, stress at work, mental health issues, life changes as we age: for dozens of reasons we're not always the best we can be. Our moods and behaviour are affected by circumstance.

Being in a relationship with someone who is very different from you (what some people might think of as a 'personality clash') is exhilarating and exciting because you have disagreements and - yes!- even conflict.

I'd find it really boring to be with someone I got along with all the time.

'you deserve the best parody'

Mostly what people deserve are basics. Love, consideration, respect, equality, peace of mind, honesty.... nothing especially idealised or unrealistic. It's not selfish for anyone to expect these things. It's not a parody to urge women to be assertive within their relationship and to be intolerant of ill treatment either. I find that suggestion offensive.

I agree that relationships should be easy. Life throws enough at most people to deal with as it is. A relationship should make your life better, more fun, more supported, and more enjoyable.
I see many women working hard at relationships. Usually what that actually means is that they are having to put up with things they shouldn't have to put up with. And I think many women think this is simply what relationships are like.

Leaving would be my last resort in this relationship because we are happy, not any relationship. Also I wold hate for my family to be split. That doesn't mean I think all relationships are important, or that I would stay with someone to avoid being alone. I have a successful career and have lived alone in the past. Choosing to be in a relationship does not have to be based on dependence.

I find the sly stepford digs rather amusing. I haven't felt the need to be personal or create imaginary images of anyone who has disagreed with me.

Cruickshanks, I'm so very sorry this happened to you. It was wrong.

Generally speaking, there are enough seasoned posters on here to draw a thread back on track if the first page has been all variants on "put up with it" or the fifth page all "why haven't you left yet?" Women and men who are being abused at home often need time, gentleness and patience. We understand that and, as you know, many posters have three or more full threads before they start getting things together.

Now and again, though, everyone gets fatigued at the same time - or there's an urgent & terrifying thread grabbing most of the attention, or it's the start of half-term - and an OP doesn't get this benefit. It's inevitable; this isn't a professional service. But ideally it would never happen.

I can only hope that, if someone gets too many inappropriate replies, their anger prompts them to rethink their so-called duties and get the hell out anyway. I hope you're OK now, and I'm sorry Relationships let you down at such an awful time.

MrsC, I just get the impression you have little experience of un-balanced relationships :) That's good to hear! If the subject interests you, please keep reading on here. You'll learn a lot, but some of what you learn will be upsetting. If you'd prefer not to find out how much damage so many men inflict on their partners, then don't hang out on this board.

You're perfectly free to post advice on any thread, and to ask OPs for more info. Why not try it?

You want people to give more creative advice?

Whenever someone posts why don't you post:

The idea of separation is huge. You should only do it if you are genuinely deeply unhappy. Splitting up should only be considered as a last resort.

Then you even out your perceived imbalance, no?

Like I said, I will from now on, quite new to the whole forum thing. I have been in an abusive relationship as a teenager. I lived with a partner who tried to strangle me so I believe abusive relationships are terrible and do huge emotional harm.

You don't generally see people on here saying "Gee, we're so happy and in love - everything is going well, should I stay?"

It always amazes me that people seem to ignore this when criticising MN Relationships!

Wasn't aimed at you MrsC Unless you are a stepford style poster.

You started a thread to having a dig at a board where you offer no contribution of your own though. Truly baffling.

And yes you created imagery that we (collectively) offer nothing other than LTB. This is not true as I think you now realise so no point getting offended or amused now