Is splitting the only advice people on here are ever capable of?

[MrsCs]

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful, fine I get it, that's good advice.

On the other hand.....I've only been on this website a short time and every blinking thread about relationship problems gets 'why are you together?' 'what are you getting from this?'.

Relationships are hard work, they have good times and bad times, and it might help if people on here had a bit of creativity with their advice! Separations and divorces are very hard on everyone involved, and if it can be avoided it's most likely for the best, unless a couple are genuinely deeply unhappy.

Living with someone requires compromise and can be hard work.

If living with someone was easy we would all be in extended families, but that couldn't be further from the truth. We don't even want our own kids once they are grown.

What Cruickshanks said.

All too often the OP is criticised and attacked for saying she won't/can't leave.

I'm not sure I would say relationships are hard work, but I would agree they require work. Regular compromise, consideration and effort which isn't always easy. But it's not hard.

My dad was married to my mother for 50 years. Over the years, he made a number of comments to me that basically came down to the fact that in his opinion, if being nice to each other is hard, especially when things are going well/yo are first together , then how do you expect to cope when things are hard- money issues, sick children, job crises etc.

I have taken his comments to heart and agree completely. Yes, my relationship takes some effort - I would much rather be in bed now than letting dh have a lie in after he was out working last night- but it's an effort I make willingly.

And yy to a previous poster who made the point that being on mn rely opens your eyes to how many people are in terrible relationships with awful men. I think in our real lives we don't see these realities around us and it can be shocking.

Reading those threads has really helped me to cope and advise a friend who is clearly in a terrible relationship. Incidentally, she's not leaving and I am not sure if she ever will. Being told ltb does not make someone actually do it.

"Why are you together?" and "What are you getting from this?"

These questions do not equal LTB. They are fairly basic questions that any counsellor might ask based on motivational interviewing skills in order to assess the current state of the relationship. they are fact finding and provocative questions, not an injunction to act.

The problem is not "Why are you together?" and "What are you getting from this?". These are excellent questions that need to be asked. It's how quickly certain man haters people jump to LTB.

I have asked those questions because they are designed to make the poster think about the state of the relationship which both parties have contributed to. They are absolutely NOT direct recommendations to split and thus I will keep asking them as well.

Not surprisingly some find them very difficult to answer precisely because they've never been asked or even considered properly their own needs
citing details instead like well he's a good dad and cleans house. That says nothing about what their own needs are because they have never considered those. Some people as well get caught in the "sunken costs fallacy" (the well we've been together a long time type stuff, I've already invested years of my time in this) and that also causes them to make poor relationship decisions.

Relationships should not be hard work, they are like a garden that needs tending and regular maintenance. It is also better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

I think you need to read more threads OP. Splitting up is not universally recommended and I doubt, even if it was, that people seeking advice would simply go ahead and end a relationship on the say so of strangers. But PPs are correct. There is a lot of pressure on women to stay in unhappy relationships. Friends and family may be unsympathetic or biased. There's a huge societal pressure on women to hold things together 'for the children'. So they often have no one in their life they can talk to, let alone support them if they are considering alternatives to sticking it out.

As ever, if you think a thread hasn't resulted in the right response, you're free to add your own.

Letting dh have a lie-in is not hard work! It is a trade-off. He lies in today; you lie in next time. If you were on your own with kids there would be no lie-ins, unless he too the kids eow! (Tempting)
I am surprised to hear couples who have only been together for a few years describing their relationship as hard work.

Living with a large extended family is nothing like living in your own home, with a partner you freely chose, and rules for living that you made up for yourselves, together. The dc move out when they are ready to establish their own lives and live by their own rules.

Good relationships are NOT hard work. Why do you believe that? Ups and downs yes, hard work no. Why would you be with someone if it was hard work to be with them?

I believe they are hard work because it's true.

My DH and I have been together over 20 years now. I was raped in s previous relationship and still struggle, but in the past it's been hard work for my DH.

My DH has lost all his family except a sibling before he was 40. The deaths of his parents were long and drawn out and horrific. This has affected us both. We've had to deal with that and a mix of the guilt and difficulty that me being a carer for both created whilst he worked and didn't see as much of them as he wanted to and I wanted a career.

So yes, things have been harder than I ever thought possible at times but it was so worth it. We love each other more than anything and the hard work we've put in was worth it

I do think there's a lot of LTB but then I take people on face value, then it turns out they've only posted the tip of the iceberg. For those that just want help on how to make a marriage work in the hard times, I'll share my experiences to help with that and tend to stick to subjects I have experience of, many don't.

If you come from the point of view that women must be in a relationship whatever it's like, then yes I imagine hearing that they don't have to be is quite odd.

Sometimes you get young women posting here about their boyfriends- no kids, and he will be treating her badly, and still you will get people telling her to stick with it, relationships are hard work, etc, etc.

Now that I find incredibly bizarre.

I think LTB is often said because it is an option.

People (especially) women are normally at their limit and have tried and tried by the time they post here.

Even then they are asking for help to fix things because women are still being conditioned that this is their roll.

Some of them are so conditioned it hasn't crossed their minds they have the right to stop and put themselves first for their life.

Could you give us some examples of cases where the majority view was ltb and you think that was wrong op?

no, but it is always something that could be considered.

it takes 2 to tango, and if only the one coming on here for advice is willing to change/compromise then separation might be the only senible solution.

What do people actually mean when they say their relationship is hard work?

Good relationships aren't hard work

Stuff around them, shit that hits you that has to be dealt with as a couple, running a house and family, job issues, money issues etc- those can be hard work. But the relationship with your partner should make dealing with those easier, not harder.

"What are you getting from this?" And "why are you with him?" Are good questions to ask, if you can't answer them, then that suggests this isn't a little niggle that can be fixed. It also helps focus an op on the positives.

Popular - exactly. I didn't say a lie in was hard work. That was my point. My point was that there is effort and compromise, not hard work. I like attila's analogy - relationships require tending and care rather than super hard work.

Maybe it is partly just me getting used to the forum. They're have been some really interesting responses in here.

To clarify on the 'hard work' point though, there was a time when OH and I were going through fertility testing where having a relationship was hard work. I was so low at the time being around anyone was a challenge and initially OH did not cope well with my unhappiness. We rowed about but stuff and stupid stuff because neither of us could face talking about fear we may not manage to have a family.

It took us a while to work through but looking back I'd be gutted if we'd given up. The best really had yet to come.

I agree OP.

There are certainly threads where it may not be abuse as such, but it's patently not a healthy relationship with the usual ups and downs - and in such cases, LTB is probably a good option. The problem is that relationships are complex things, with children, assets, feelings and so on, and it can be impossible for strangers on an internet forum to know for a fact what's really going on - and if a thread is started after an almighty argument it can sound as if that's the way the relationship functions all the time.

LTB gets thrown in very quickly by some posters, and get pushed and pushed on the OP who then has to justify why she doesn't really want to LTB after many years together. Then they start second guessing the real situation, express their frustration with the OP and tell her that there's no way they would have such low self esteem as to live like that - or words to that effect. It gets a bit samey.

When someone is being abused, or someone is unfaithful

The "relationships are hard work (for women to do)" brigade are forever trying to set rules about when it is permissible (for a woman) to leave a relationship.

It's always "you may leave if the relationship is abusive" or "it is acceptable to end your marriage if he cheats on you".

They seem to believe that chaos would ensue if women decided to stop putting up with shit men.

And certainly the world would be a much different (and better) place if we could convince more women not to start relationships with shit men, never mind stay with them for years and breed with them.

LTB is always an option to be borne in mind if your partner is pissing you off. Nobody is under any obligation to stay in a relationship if they don't want to.

Even if they are a woman.

*big stuff

OP - why don't you post your creative advice to educate us all on what to do when someone is in a pickle with a relationship? That's the point of a forum, anyone can respond. Instead of having a pop at other people's responses, give freely of your own and let the OP make their choices.

Joysmum, from what you're saying it sounds like life has been hard, for both of you. That doesn't mean your relationship is hard work.

A "hard work" relationship to me signals a relationship where there is quite lot of conflict, sulking, walking on eggshells, compromising by one partner but not the other (such that one partner is always losing out), arguing, shouting, aggression, lack of respect etc, nothing that I would ever want for myself in a relationship.

Of course partners annoy each other, that's normal. But IMO it should not be hard work being around your partner and just living your life with them - the whole point of having a partner is that they enrich your life and make it easier.

Interestingly, I've just done a search on your name, and posts in 'relationships' and apart from this thread - nothing.

Have you name changed for this one? Just to tell people off?

What a strange OP.

If there are individual threads where LTB is the advice given but you disagree, then disagree on that thread.

But making a blanket statement like this makes it rather more sound like you are upset at different beliefs to your own: The belief that being in relationships is not mandatory. Questions that examine whether a given relationship actually enhances the poster's wellbeing.

Perhaps that belief, and those questions, are unusual to you. They are to most of the posters here. But they are incredibly salutary.