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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP suddenly behaving like an utter arse. (long)

274 replies

verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 16:09

I have name changed as he knows the username I normally use.

Me and DP have lived together for a year, and it has been great up until this point. I actually thought things were going really well. We have no DC.

Recently he has started to refuse to do things, for example a festival that I really wanted to attend, he bluntly told me "You can go if you can get there, but I'm not coming with you and don't expect a lift." I can't drive and I'm not sure we could afford to run 2 cars anyway. We live in a rural location with no buses, it is 26 miles to the nearest train station. I have a hobby I like to go to and he has now also started to refuse to help in any way, he won't bring heavy equipment in the car etc for me. I decided to apply for my provisional licence and have saved up some money towards driving lessons (£500). When I first told him he laughed at me for about 20 minutes straight, when I asked what was funny he just smugly said "no, no nothing." and continued to laugh Sad. He has since been trying to convince me I should spend the money on dental treatment he wants, he won't go to an nhs dentist so it costs a lot more. I don't think he really wants me to learn to drive myself.

Valentines day we didn't do anything, I thought he might take me out for dinner or something but nothing happened. I didn't get a card etc. Although uneventful it wasn't a bad day, just a normal saturday. We hadn't argued or anything, then when we got in to bed I asked for my pillow back, we had 2 each but he took one of his another room to use on a chair for his back and had left it there so take mine. He then said "you are such a whinging cunt" and threw it on the floor. I don't know where that came from. I told him I didn't want to be spoken to like that. He just said "Whatever" and "I can't be arsed".

The next day was horrible. I mean, it was unbearable. Any attempt I made at speaking to him I got one word answers very aggressively. I only mentioned mundane things like what shall I make for dinner etc. Sometimes not even a word just a grunt or "hmm" sound. I then tried to show him something related to my hobby and he said "I don't give a fuck". He literally didn't talk all day and we sat in total silence until I left to go meet a friend at the pub because I couldn't take being in the house any more. While I was out I got a text basically accusing me of being the one being funny. I replied and just said that I needed to get out for a bit and that I wasn't in a mood. He often makes comments about me cheating on him or having somebody at the pub (which I don't) and I told him I find this really offensive. He just carried on. It is the only place I can go to socialise as it is the only thing within walking distance (about 3 miles).

I don't know why this has happened. He still isn't being normal with me now and I honestly haven't done anything wrong. What should I do? I've been in only one relationship before and after leaving that one I promised myself I wouldn't end up feeling low all the time and like I'm going to get in trouble all the time. I'm not even sure why this has happened.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 21/02/2015 16:16

Get out of the house with your friend. Call the police. Return to the house and get your belongings. Leave for good. Take it from there.

I know that you will not follow this advice, but you shouldn't return tonight.

FairPhyllis · 21/02/2015 16:18

OP here is the helpline Welsh Women's Aid recommend:

All Wales Domestic Abuse and Sexual Violence Helpline: 0808 80 10 800

Open for calls 24/7. They can talk to you about your situation, reassure you that you are not overreacting, and help put you in touch with police and get you a refuge place. Or call the police and ask for a domestic violence unit.

You are underestimating the danger you are in. Part of the mechanism of domestic abuse is that you are conditioned to doubt your own judgement and to minimise any misgivings you have about your situation. We can all see that you are in much greater danger than you think you are. Please grab this opportunity. The police will help you get the cat out afterwards.

wigglylines · 21/02/2015 16:18

Do you know how to delete your browsing history?

Click "history" on your browser, find this page in the list (might appear several times) and delete it. Remember to close the history page.

If it's not obvious how to get to history, let us know what browser you use and we can help find it.

helpmekeepstrong · 21/02/2015 16:27

FairPhyllis is right. While you do not see his behaviour as normal, you have become conditioned to accept it and in turn, your acceptance of his behaviour is his green light to continue with it, because he sees it is working. If he feels that his behaviour is not working and his power is waning, then he will up the ante. This is why you need help to leave. This is the help that the police will provide when you tell them that you are in danger.

FairPhyllis · 21/02/2015 16:36

I understand how scary and final it must seem to talk to anyone in real life about this. But that is just another indication of how controlled you are by him. It's not normal to be frightened to talk to someone else about your relationship.

helpmekeepstrong · 21/02/2015 16:53

Maybe you feel that he will turn on the charm if you approach with back-up and they will believe him and fade away, leaving you to cope with the fall-out. It is the most basic understanding for any professional DV worker that abusers have charm and they are not fooled by it for a minute. The Police DV Unit will understand and it is their job to help you be safe - believe me x

imjustahead · 21/02/2015 19:07

that's a very positive post about dv police.

helpmekeepstrong · 21/02/2015 20:53

It is positive. It must be positive if Vertical is to understand that help is there and close at hand. Friends can help, but it takes great courage for a friend to intervene in a crisis and there are risks. The professional help is there and waiting.

helpmekeepstrong · 21/02/2015 20:59

How are you doing Vertical? Another couple of hours and you'll be on your way to meet your friend. Are you ok? Holding up? I have been there, believe me, I know how afraid you must feel and how unreal this must seem. Keep going. Just keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Comito · 21/02/2015 21:30

Hope you're ok, vertical. I've been thinking about you today.

helpmekeepstrong · 21/02/2015 22:20

vertical Still here. x

Branleuse · 21/02/2015 22:26

thinking of you and wishing you strength x

wigglylines · 21/02/2015 23:00

I hope all goes well tonight. Thinking of you and wishing you well xx

tipsytrifle · 21/02/2015 23:05

Just in from work and also hoping that you're safe. Must be tempting to not go back, eh?

diggerdigsdogs · 21/02/2015 23:24

Thinking of your vertical. X

FairPhyllis · 21/02/2015 23:47

Do come back and let us know how you are even if you did return to the house or didn't go out. It is hard to leave and most women make abortive attempts before they finally leave. We understand this and will not castigate you if you didn't feel able to leave. Please don't feel you have to stop posting if you went back to him.

helpmekeepstrong · 21/02/2015 23:52

What FairPhyllis said. It's a big and frightening step and we know it. Let us know, though, because we care.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 22/02/2015 00:11

Hope you're ok whatever you decide to do tonight. I hope your friend is supportive and helpful.

If you do happen to look in here, just know that YOU are worth the police's time. Your situation IS serious enough to contact a women's shelter. You don't have to wait til he starts hitting you, although sadly it doesn't sound like you've long to wait for that (Hope I'm wrong obviously) emotional abuse is abuse.

I've been in that car situation with my dad and it was terrifying, going faster and faster, screaming abuse, and then he punched the windscreen so hard it shattered while we were driving. He was off his meds, maybe your dp is too.

Thinking about you.

BlackBettyBamALam · 22/02/2015 07:04

Just read the whole thread, my blood is running cold. Really hope you can find the strength to leave OP, you are worth so much more than this Flowers

MaccaPaccaismyNemesis · 22/02/2015 08:51

You must leave OP, he sounds like a very dangerous man

imjustahead · 22/02/2015 09:06

what phyliss said.

delete your history too if you know how. x

HexBramble · 22/02/2015 10:14

Vertical, only now seeing this thread. Have read it all with dread.

I'm in South Wales. I drive a van. PM me your whereabouts.

I've been on MN for years.

MonkeySeeMonkeyDooo · 22/02/2015 10:27

This thread is alarming OP. He is trying his best to isolate you, living rurally, not wanting you to drive, checking up on you when you're in the pub and now taking you out with him and not letting you go to the toilet.

You absolutely need to get out ASAP.

Please stop thinking that your family would worry, families are there to worry. Or as others have said, the police or women's aid.

PopTarts · 22/02/2015 10:51

Just read the whole thread vertical.
So so sorry for you and worried for you.
What's happening today? Just leave, please.
I agree with the person upthread who said he targeted you. You paid £700 for a car for him and fuel it and he can't even take you to the hospital when you are lying there with a broken collar bone?

What an utter and complete vile, filthy disgusting man. I hate this man and I've never even laid eyes on him.

Please please vertical, get out. Just go. Please x

SylvaniansAtEase · 22/02/2015 10:53

Thinking of you too OP. Please update - support is here for whatever you need, be it transport or just a listening ear.

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