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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP suddenly behaving like an utter arse. (long)

274 replies

verticalstripes · 19/02/2015 16:09

I have name changed as he knows the username I normally use.

Me and DP have lived together for a year, and it has been great up until this point. I actually thought things were going really well. We have no DC.

Recently he has started to refuse to do things, for example a festival that I really wanted to attend, he bluntly told me "You can go if you can get there, but I'm not coming with you and don't expect a lift." I can't drive and I'm not sure we could afford to run 2 cars anyway. We live in a rural location with no buses, it is 26 miles to the nearest train station. I have a hobby I like to go to and he has now also started to refuse to help in any way, he won't bring heavy equipment in the car etc for me. I decided to apply for my provisional licence and have saved up some money towards driving lessons (£500). When I first told him he laughed at me for about 20 minutes straight, when I asked what was funny he just smugly said "no, no nothing." and continued to laugh Sad. He has since been trying to convince me I should spend the money on dental treatment he wants, he won't go to an nhs dentist so it costs a lot more. I don't think he really wants me to learn to drive myself.

Valentines day we didn't do anything, I thought he might take me out for dinner or something but nothing happened. I didn't get a card etc. Although uneventful it wasn't a bad day, just a normal saturday. We hadn't argued or anything, then when we got in to bed I asked for my pillow back, we had 2 each but he took one of his another room to use on a chair for his back and had left it there so take mine. He then said "you are such a whinging cunt" and threw it on the floor. I don't know where that came from. I told him I didn't want to be spoken to like that. He just said "Whatever" and "I can't be arsed".

The next day was horrible. I mean, it was unbearable. Any attempt I made at speaking to him I got one word answers very aggressively. I only mentioned mundane things like what shall I make for dinner etc. Sometimes not even a word just a grunt or "hmm" sound. I then tried to show him something related to my hobby and he said "I don't give a fuck". He literally didn't talk all day and we sat in total silence until I left to go meet a friend at the pub because I couldn't take being in the house any more. While I was out I got a text basically accusing me of being the one being funny. I replied and just said that I needed to get out for a bit and that I wasn't in a mood. He often makes comments about me cheating on him or having somebody at the pub (which I don't) and I told him I find this really offensive. He just carried on. It is the only place I can go to socialise as it is the only thing within walking distance (about 3 miles).

I don't know why this has happened. He still isn't being normal with me now and I honestly haven't done anything wrong. What should I do? I've been in only one relationship before and after leaving that one I promised myself I wouldn't end up feeling low all the time and like I'm going to get in trouble all the time. I'm not even sure why this has happened.

OP posts:
MadameJosephine · 21/02/2015 13:46

Thinking of you OP, hope you are keeping safe.
There is loads of good advice on this thread. I was you 15 years ago and i know it is hard but please, please listen to these wise women and get far far away from this man as soon as you can

rollmeover · 21/02/2015 13:50

Oh gosh, Op, please get out as soon as you can.

Use the money you have saved, get the cat, get a taxi and go.
Please take care.

paxtecum · 21/02/2015 13:51

Op: are you In N wales?

AliceinWinterWonderland · 21/02/2015 13:57

Ring the police. You are in danger as long as you stay there.

mix56 · 21/02/2015 14:09

OP, several people who live in or near Wales have proposed help. Why don't you PM them & maybe they could come with a car, be there while you pack (he isn't going to attack 2 women) hopefully this person could keep you safe till Monday or at least get you to a phone for emergency SW or police station.
It is your best immediate solution

SunnyBaudelaire · 21/02/2015 14:11

I am so worried about this person as she has not returned to the thread nor answered my PM for a few hours now.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 21/02/2015 14:19

I'm assuming she cannot answer now as he'll be in the house with her Sad

OP when you do come back, please get in touch with the people offering to help you. Get out while you still can!

helpmekeepstrong · 21/02/2015 14:27

Please God you're ok OP. Please try to call the police and tell them you are in immediate danger and have them come and get you. You will be taken to a place of safety - most likely a Refuge where you will be welcomed and comforted and helped. Please try and dial 999, however you can. When the police get there, you can tell them about your cat. An animal rescue plan will be put in place I'm sure and you will be reunited with it.... I know you will be worried about that.... but please, let the police get you to safety. Tell them that you are in immediate danger.

SunnyBaudelaire · 21/02/2015 14:31

please do that OP do not worry about the cat, the police will help you.
it happened to a friend and she ended up sitting in a police car with a box of hens.

helpmekeepstrong · 21/02/2015 14:32

Just to add, the police and Refuges don't just work office hours.... you can call anytime and you will be sleeping in a safe place this very night. Take courage, vertical. x

helpmekeepstrong · 21/02/2015 14:35

Vertical it's happened to me, only last August. It was the most terrifying experience but I am so happy and settled now and reunited with my little dog in our own home. Please, I hope you can get a few minutes privacy to call x

DemelzaandRoss · 21/02/2015 15:11

Sending you love & really hoping you can escape. I am a huge cat lover & understand how you feel, but in this instance you have to put yourself first. The cat will be fine for a few days even. Keep topping up the food dish in case you get a chance to get out in a hurry. We are all hoping for the best outcome.

Original poster
verticalstripes · 21/02/2015 15:13

I'm still ok. I have my own laptop but he often looks at what I'm doing and what tabs I have open. I can't risk him seeing this thread. I think he knows something is the matter as he keeps laughing at me for no reason? I don't understand it.
I have been invited out with a friend tonight, she does not finish her shift at work until around 12pm, but she says we can talk properly then and she will help me as much as she can. She even made sure to call the landline and speak to him before being passed on to me, so he knew it was her, otherwise he would wonder where I was going so late and not let me leave. As she spoke to him first he would not prevent me because he doesn't want anybody to know what he is like. She was all jolly so as to give nothing away. She has said she will drop me home too come in for a few minutes to make sure everything is alright.

OP posts:
helpmekeepstrong · 21/02/2015 15:23

Perhaps he's laughing at you for no reason because he's not right in the head. I'm not sure how is it going to help that she comes in with you for a few minutes... what can she do then? Make a plan with her, if you don't feel right calling the police, and get yourself away. His behaviour is ringing too many alarm bells and he sound terrifyingly unpredictable, Vertical. Please?

helpmekeepstrong · 21/02/2015 15:25

Why don't you direct your friend to this thread - let her see in advance what the situation is.

DeliciousMonster · 21/02/2015 15:28

Can you go stay with her or can she help you get away?

Vivacia · 21/02/2015 15:28

Why don't you direct your friend to this thread - let her see in advance what the situation is.

Fantastic idea Helpmekeepstrong

FairPhyllis · 21/02/2015 15:38

I'm very worried that it sounds like you are intending to return to him if he allows you to leave tonight (I bet he will try to sabotage it but you must go). This is a golden opportunity for you to escape the domestic abuse you are living in.

In just one year, you've gone from a normal life to being trapped in a house and location you can't physically escape from, with no means of contacting anyone, with your phone calls vetted and monitored, no friends in the vicinity, being subjected to verbal abuse and now the threat of physical violence. You can't leave to go out with a friend unless he "lets" you. You're now not even allowed to go to the toilet when you need to.

Step back for a minute and think about what all this means and how fast it has happened.

Please, please, please, if you get out tonight, call the police in your area and ask to speak to their domestic violence unit. They are there for situations like this. They will escort you back to get your stuff and the cat and will find somewhere safe for you. You are simply not safe with this man anymore.

helpmekeepstrong · 21/02/2015 15:45

All of that FairPhyllis He is doing everything he can (including the weird laughing) to unsettle you and keep your feet off the ground. He is not safe. You are not safe and this is horrifyingly clear to any of us outsiders looking in, who have either been through, or know someone who has been through this. You cannot see it yet, which is completely understandable. Please get to a place of safety tonight.

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/02/2015 15:54

It worries me that he keeps laughing at you for no reason. Has he done that before? My concern is that he has read this thread, is he able to check your internet history?

You have no children to worry about, you are more trapped in this situation mentally than physically. Would you be able to move in with your friend for a short while? At least call the domestic violence unit Phyllis mentioned and ask for advice. This inadequate creep is bullying you because he thinks he has you trapped. You do not have to put up with this.

Original poster
verticalstripes · 21/02/2015 15:57

Ok... I will call the domestic violence line tonight from her house. She said we will go to hers for a coffee and talk and after that she will drop me home or we can go for a drive and chat (she lives in a shared place at her work so may be best not to talk there). It is best I come back as for now I can't take the cat and I am not able to stay with her due to her own living situation.
I could not offer much response on the phone as he is here but she said she understood and would help me. It will be easier once we are out because then I can talk freely and explain better. She is not british so there is a language barrier and it is hard to explain the complicated bits or the tone of what could otherwise be seen as a small remark from him, but I confided in her and she is trying to help. I actually feel like breathing a sigh of relief just at having a friend who isn't just a "chat to at the pub friend" which she had only ever been before, but at the same time I'm frightened of talking about it to anybody in real life for some reason. I felt like she wouldn't believe me at first, even now she does I'm still scared. She has promised not to say anything to the other staff etc as she knows word gets around very fast here as it is a small community.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 21/02/2015 16:01

Op: can she help you escape on Monday when he is next in work?

turbonerd · 21/02/2015 16:02

Please dont go back home after. Call police and refuge from her phone. The police can escort you to pick up cat and clothes.
Its not worth it. They smell rebellion and get very nasty, no need for you to risk it. You had a taste in the van, please dont wait to find out what else he is capable of.

helpmekeepstrong · 21/02/2015 16:10

Again, do you think you could direct her to this thread? Even if she has limited English, she will get the general feeling of the posts. It has taken since Thursday for you to give us the ins and outs, and we have seen how things have escalated. It'll be difficult to explain to her in a limited time with a language barrier.... you must understand that you seem to be in real danger.
As for your cat, yes, I understand your feelings there. I have a little dog and I would have been desperate to leave her.... but I would have if I hadn't been able to have a friend to take her for me. See if you can make an arrangement for her separately, perhaps - until such time as you can be together in your own place.

wigglylines · 21/02/2015 16:15

Please, just leave tonight. Your social worker can get your cat, or you can get a police escort.