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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH spent over 500 in strip club

206 replies

Graceunderfire01 · 19/02/2015 01:53

Hi
This is my first post. I had posted earlier but my message disappeared. I know this topic has probably been done to death but I'm looking for some help/ information.
Whilst going through our bank statements tonight I've noticed a number of translations for a strip club in our city and I'm fucking raging. Dh was entertaining clients after a corporate even that he was part of and obviously took them to this strip club. How fucking clichéd! Anyway my question is the translations are for set amounts , £110 x2 and £130 x2 - what is this likely to be? As in what service did he avail of? You may laugh at this question but my knowledge of the prices and range of the 'services' on offer at these places is not good.
Can anyone please help? I'm mortified to be asking and fucking livid I'm in this situation.
Thank you

OP posts:
TheGirlInTheGlass · 19/02/2015 12:59

You're panicking over nothing at the moment. You don't now any fact other than the card was used at a strip club.
You don't know if he was there or not, whether his card was cloned... You don't know whether it as very expensive brandies and champagne, which are sold at high prices without "99p" at the end in most places.
You don't know if he paid for the other men to have other dances, whether different girls charge different amounts.
We understand that you're worried that your relationship might have an issue. but no point in working yourself up about it and assuming the worst. If this were my DH, whom I love and trust, I would ask him immediately, and the questions wouldn't be 'why a strip club?' or 'did you get a dance?', but 'did you keep the receipts?' and 'you realise you've got to claim this back pronto as we can't afford it?'
You promised to love and obey, trust and work together at your marriage - Let him have his say, and don't make yourself ill for no reason.

Of course, if it turns out he's a lying scumbag who did go and that makes the relationship irreparable in your eyes, then worry, cry and despair as much as you like - I would!
But he wouldn't be worth it x

MojaveWanderer123 · 19/02/2015 13:08

My dh was asked to go a strip club for a works do but he polity declined, he's never been, never fancied it and he also said "even if I was to go to the club and sit there blindfolded and with a force field around me I would still have to book my dw tickets to see the dream boys and I certainly don't want her going to that!" Wink Poor me hehe.

LuluJakey1 · 19/02/2015 13:18

I could not stand DH going to a strip club. I can't imagine he would but never say never. It would be a huge issue for me, whatever it cost. I would be furious.TBH I would be speaking to him about it operation or not as lng as he wasn't seriously ill- I know that sounds awful but I know I would.

Graceunderfire01 · 19/02/2015 13:19

Ilove- thank you
Thegirlintheglass- wise and nice words. Thanks
Mojave- he sounds like a good egg !Wink

OP posts:
RandomFriend · 19/02/2015 13:19

@ToYouToMe I was thinking that the club would have a menu of prices that would not be confidential. The OP doesn't have to ask what her DH bought, but just to understand what can be purchased for £110 or £130.

I was also thinking that it could be bottles of something overpriced expensive. For example, one report on charges in clubs mentioned "bottles of Dom Perignon at £325 each".

I agree with OP and would be very upset if my DH were frequenting strip clubs. However, I would be less upset if the bill was for alcohol and was going to be reimbursed.

I agree that it is awful if corporate entertaining includes lap dancers. That just excludes women as either as members or as clients or of the company that is footing the bill.

Graceunderfire01 · 19/02/2015 13:20

Lulu you sound a lot like me. Finding it very hard to not say something tbh
Going to wait till I have calmed down and (hopefully!) talk rationally about it then

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 19/02/2015 14:08

Probably best. You need the facts before you get in a real state. Although just that fact he had been would be enough for me. Smile

Eustasiavye · 19/02/2015 14:22

Of course he is going to say it was all spent on drinks when you ask him.

He is hardly going to admit telling you that he enjoyed looking at another woman's fanny is he?
Unless you tell him you absolutely don't mind him paying to look at women's fannys.

I don't buy the line that it is just the same as going elsewhere for a drink.
I have seen male strippers in my younger days. I would not go again, ever under any circumstances.

The only reason men go time after time is for sexual gratification.

oh and your dh would not have to pay for a private dance himself to see a woman thrust her vagina into a man's face, bend over with her legs open etc he can simply watch another mans private dance.

The dancers in some clubs only go into totally private rooms for other services, not just "dancing".

Fairenuff · 19/02/2015 14:26

OP bear in mind that, at the beginning of your thread you hadn't really considered all the implications of ldc's and your main concern was that he might have had a personal dance. Now you have started to think it through, you are coming to the realisation that there is a lot more to the sex industry than just how it affects you.

Your dh might not be in the same place, he also might not have really thought about it and you clearly have not discussed it as a couple. My dh hates the exploitation and abuse of women just as much as I do so we are agreed that neither of us would want anything to do with ldc's and neither of us would go to one, works do, stag do, whatever. This is the sort of conversation you need to have with him.

There's not point being angry or upset with him if he thought he was doing something with your blessing. You need to explain that it's no longer acceptable for you. If he won't stop going then you have a deeper problem which will be harder to sort out but not impossible.

You can find out a lot more and if you are interested post or lurk on some of the feminism pages.

When was the corporate event? I ask because if it was last week, he might be reimbursed but if it was a long time ago, he probably won't. That would mean that he isn't bothering to claim it because either a) the company do not approve/condone of ldc's and won't pay for them or b) it was private for himself, not related to the company.

Graceunderfire01 · 19/02/2015 14:37

Eusta that's my fear. Exactly. I can never know what happened and I can never unknow he went if you get me. Very disappointing.
Fairenuff you have raised some excellent points not least about the length of time to reimburse. But your other points were very succinctly put. I need to see what his views on this truly are, whether he sees my side as I have now discovered I have very strong views on these clubs and the disgusting views of women seen as meat within them.
It's not sitting right with me at all
All if your replies are really helping me achieve clarity on this. That can only be good when I come to discuss my anger with him.
Thanks all, hugely Flowers

OP posts:
ScotsWhaHae · 19/02/2015 14:41

I think the fact that you were there for part of the evening and they waited until you (and other women?) had went home then, like naughty sneaky schoolboys, ran away to see tits, is really, really insulting.

Graceunderfire01 · 19/02/2015 14:48

Scots . Totally. That was my initial reaction when I saw the transactions. I just thought what a bastard. That mentality alone has riled me. I'm angry on many levels regarding this.had I stayed it wouldn't have happened. Which is so dishonest of him. I'm racking my brains to remember who and how many he said he stayed out with from the do. It was 6 I think. One of which I know would be definitely up for that sort of thing. (Not judging nor am I insinuating my husband some little meek lamb who got dragged along 'cos an older boy told him'!)

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 19/02/2015 14:56

The going behind my back would be enough for me and he'd be out the door and changing his business ideals before we communicated again.
I don't have anything against the clubs, just the dicks who use them for business and men who are unfaithful.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP you are very calm you have my respect. I'd have to say something straight away.

ScotsWhaHae · 19/02/2015 15:03

It's the 'getting the wife out the road' thing I have real issues with. Dh knows this, I've listened to too many of his mates over the years totally disrespecting their wives by keeping things from them. From the price of a car to the odd joint or drink. That phrase 'don't tell the wife' makes me mad!

LuluJakey1 · 19/02/2015 15:07

My DH is a teacher so doesn't entertain clients or have expense accounts but if he did I wouldn't be happy with him doing it in a strip club. He didn't go on one of his friends' stagnights because they were going to one and thinks they are awful places. If he was on a night out and had a few drinks and the lads were going, would he go along with it? I don't think he would but who knows really.

I would also be furious about £500 of our money being spent on it.

They are demeaning to women and that wouldbe why I was furious, that and the mentality of men going there.

Graceunderfire01 · 19/02/2015 15:14

Morethan I am the one of the least calm people you could meet! When I discuss this with him I know I could turn into a screaming banshee. I don't want that. This has to be a proper discussion for many reasons. Not least if I go in there gunning for him, what's to say he wont go there again but will just use his business card next time? This has to be a calm discussion on my feeling and views on it and i hope that I will know by him and how he responds what he will do in the future. If I kick off (which I'm aware I'm more than entitled to) I'm afraid the real issues will get lost in my shouting. Posting here has helped me hugely though

OP posts:
CatKitten · 19/02/2015 15:15

I've been to a strip club and basically you have to pay to breathe.

If you want to sit at a table, you have to pay.
If you want a drink, you have to pay extortionate amounts.
If you want a girl to come and sit with you to just chat/flirt, you have to pay.
If you want a lap dance (unsurprisingly) you have to pay.

It is very very easy to run up a big bill just on drinks and paying to sit at a table. I doubt though that you'd go and not actually have a lap dance.

Graceunderfire01 · 19/02/2015 15:18

Scots I am exactly the same. The keep it from the little lady 'herself indoors' attitude from some men boils my piss. Totally. I would wipe the floor with anyone who said it to my face. To have it done to me in this way has made me very angry

OP posts:
Graceunderfire01 · 19/02/2015 15:23

Cat I totally get what you mean, they are a business after all and they'd be stupid not to upsell. What I'm finding strange is that the 4 transactions were for the same amounts 2 x £110 2x £130 . Look who knows, all I can do is ask, all he can do is answer. I can only hope he will be 100% truthful.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 19/02/2015 15:25

stop procrastinating and ask him. this is the only way you will know for sure what has gone on. all the same you are thinking about it then it just magnifies the issue. get it out in the open as soon as you can.

GallicIsCharlie · 19/02/2015 15:26

If it were any of you in my situation how would you broach the subject?

I posted on your other thread. When I found XH's £2k solo spend, I asked "How the bloody hell did you spend two grand at the Windmill?" Then his story came out. I did know the prices there, though, as I said. It was thinking over this incident that led me to see using women sex workers as the deeply misogynistic thing it is. Until then, I'd been all about the women and their freedoms/income/etc, although I'd already stopped going as I couldn't stand the way some men behave there. I suppose XH's choice felt so weird that it forced me to think properly about it all, and to take a position on his view of women in general.

Graceunderfire01 · 19/02/2015 15:30

Mummy- you're right. I will. Can't right now with kids etc but I will. I'm just replying to peoples posts now as they have been very helpful.
Gallic - that's it exactly . I hadn't thought in any great detail about this before , maybe pre kids I was more liberal about it. I don't know. But yeah, now that I'm thinking about it, what it means, the implications, the blurred lines I realise I'm against it. It's not what I expect of my husband. Each to their own and all. But I've realised that, for me, it's a big frickin deal.

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 19/02/2015 15:31

A lot about this is depressing, but I think the fact that it costs several times more in a club such as this to buy a bottle of wine than it does to buy a human being epitomises it.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this situation, OP. I hope it resolves itself with the minimum of hurt, that you get the money back via expenses and that your husband understands your anger and hurt.

RandomFriend · 19/02/2015 15:33

Call them and ask what costs £110? That way, you would have some additional information.

On how to broach the subject with him, you may find some of the techniques in Chapter 1 of this book useful.

Sorry that you are going through this, OP.

Graceunderfire01 · 19/02/2015 15:37

Brilliant put Sleep. How utterly depressing. That one sentence captures my thoughts on it entirely. Exploitation on so many levels. Wrong.
Random thanks for the link. Never thought I'd be perusing titles like that. Very sad

OP posts: