DH spent over 500 in strip club

[Graceunderfire01]

Hi
This is my first post. I had posted earlier but my message disappeared. I know this topic has probably been done to death but I'm looking for some help/ information.
Whilst going through our bank statements tonight I've noticed a number of translations for a strip club in our city and I'm fucking raging. Dh was entertaining clients after a corporate even that he was part of and obviously took them to this strip club. How fucking clichéd! Anyway my question is the translations are for set amounts , £110 x2 and £130 x2 - what is this likely to be? As in what service did he avail of? You may laugh at this question but my knowledge of the prices and range of the 'services' on offer at these places is not good.
Can anyone please help? I'm mortified to be asking and fucking livid I'm in this situation.
Thank you

I can't imagine what sort of company he works for who would reimburse this.

Also, be very clear that at the least he's had another vagina in his face, at the most he's paid for extras. Then just rocked up home as if nothing ever happened.

I'd rather be single.

Most family current accounts will be in trouble if £500 is taken out of them without prior agreement.

Perhaps your finances are so precarious that a missing £4 would cause problems for you, but if so, I think you need to get some help with budgeting.

I agree with cogito . So many posters are telling the OP how they woudl think /feel . What they think is ok /not ok

That's not really relevant - it's what she cares about that counts. She said down the thread that she was ok with him going but not " partaking " . She then said she meant that it was ok for him to buy drinks but not pay for dances or private services . I'm not sure if she meant it was ok for him to pay for others to get these services but not ok for him to do it himself

Lots of other posters have made similar distinctions eg look but don't touch . Some posters seem to see it as " a bit of a laugh " , others as inevitable male behaviour Or legitimate entertainment , while some see it as a form of cheating

Later on the Op seems to have changed her mind because she says itS sexist and tacky and him just going makes her angry .of course it's fine for her to change her views, but don't attack me because I'm responding to what she posted at first, and not what she says later

And don't accuse me of being aggressive for actually ASKING the op what she thinks rather than telling her what she should think and feel

I have no idea why I'm being " accused " of being a man for pointing out that , unless she and her DH have agreed their own boundaries , how is he to know how she feels about it ?

Theres a big range of views of this thread . How was the OPs Husband meant to know what his wife would and woudl not be ok with ? She's not even sure herself !

Where I work its very clear . Going with clients to any such venue woudl be a disciplinary matter. It wouldn't matter who paid and what they paid for . What they drank or watched or touched . It would be seen as bringing the company into disrepute . Ditto putting porn or prostitues through expenses. Either for the employee or clients. So we know where we stand

"Most family current accounts will be in trouble if £500 is taken out of them without prior agreement."

My last expenses reimbursement was over £1000. I put expenses on my personal credit card and, by the time the card needs to be paid, the reimbursement is usually in my account. I also have a corporate credit card but, because I work for a foreign company, the £/€ exchange thing makes it more difficult to be reimbursed quickly. It's technically family money but, as I'm the only adult member of the family, it's rather a moot point.

It's not 'stealing'.... Quite a lot of us have a slightly blurred line between personal and business expenditure

It is stealing to take hundreds of pounds of shared money without agreement.

Particularly when you know that agreement would not be forthcoming.

I have blurred lines between my personal a business spending, but I don't take money from my family to buy sexy treats for men I'm trying to impress.

Most family current accounts will be in trouble if £500 is taken out of them without prior agreement.

My last claim was over £400 because of a foreign trip.
My finances were fine for the few weeks until it was reimbursed.
I don't consider what I did stealing from the family pot.

Or it stealing when it's for a strip club but not stealing when it's for a flight?
It's either stealing or it isn't (it isn't).

OP has the subject of strip clubs ever been raised in your relationship before? Or is this the first time he's taken clients to this sort of venue?

I have to say this wouldn't bother me at all (unless the expenses weren't reclaimable), but I can see that this bothers you. I would just ask him to be honest with you and let him know that you don't feel it's acceptable within your marriage for him to go again.

My gut feeling is that the transactions are probably drinks, which is where most of the profit tends to be made in these clubs. The dancers are (in theory) what draws customers in, the goal is that the customer spends money at the bar.

Cogito and Flapping a lot of what you post on this resonates what I'm feeling about it all. Thank you for putting it in to words better than I could!
Bathtime whilst I appreciate what you are saying and you are entitled to have an opinion (opinions are what I asked for) i think the comment that he shouldn't be around women is probably a little over the top. He's not a danger to society! I get that this is very personal though and all will have different reactions to it!

My expenses, like those of cogito, often exceed £1000 a month - and sometimes £2000. It's easier for reasons explained to put them on a personal credit card especially when travelling abroad.

I'm married but this is not a cause for concern in terms of how we manage our finances. The expenditure is re-imbursed before the card bill has to be paid.

My DH has to not only entertain clients but also pay for flights and hotels and a business trip for 6 people runs into many thousands of pounds.

He doesn't have a company credit card but does it all on his credit card which gives cash back and he does very nicely out of it

As far as strip clubs go, he knows it's not something I'd agree to and his company won't allow certain things to be put on expenses and have got very tight in their policies for expenses. He's been able to use this as an excuse because clients have expected this in the past.

A friend and I a few years ago got a dance, we wanted to see what they did ( it was awful so uncomfortable)
We paid 60 quid for 2 dancers, 30 each u could have as many as u wanted!!

Katie I totally get what you're saying. And yes my reaction probably seems to be swaying on it because, well it is! On the one hand I'm thinking what a juvenile silly thing to do and on the other I'm imagining what he did exactly. What it means to pay someone to gyrate and push their over waxed crotch in his face and for him to roll in the following morning the happy family man! The more I think about it the more hurt and angry I feel. Had it only been a £10 entry fee transaction I'd be less angry. I can't explain it any better than that, in my opinion, his level of participation would have been less. The sheer amount of money that was spent means I can't know exactly what took place.
I need to talk it through with him.
To the poster who asked about had we discussed stripclubs before, yes I suppose we did but not in a serous 'this is how I'd react' or 'this is what's allowed/not allowed'. I know some men frequent them on stag dos/ boys night . I just always assumed his respect for me would carry through even if he was in these places and that he would inwardly cringe. But seeing that amount I'm no longer sure of that assumption and that clear boundaries must be set.
I need to discuss this frankly and openly with him.
I just really wish I didn't have to. I just wish he hadn't done it. T
All of your opinions and advice has helped me, thank you

My DH often entertains clients - lunches/drinks/dinner and uses his credit card then claims back. That's quite standard practice. He works for a v large company - not all organisations provide a company credit card. It's all reimbursed of course. OP those amounts sound like alcohol purchases - more of a mark up on booze than dancers

'it was awful so uncomfortable'

Are you female Ilovemybedbaby? Was your discomfort matched by the men in the room? Did they look like they were having a good time or like their mum was about to walk in and catch them? I'm just trying to work out if my experience of the audience in a strip club is the same as anyone else's :)

?
Re the reasons for using strip clubs to entertain client I think it's a machismo thing, a sort of 'caveman' way of displaying masculine status by demonstrating that you have the resources to gain sexual access to women?.

And has been said a way of excluding and demeaning women by bonding via a shared activity in which women are treated as sex objects / pieces of equipment that can be bought and sold by men.

It does seem rather primitive these days though? ?

If I was you I'd ring the place up and say your arranging a stag do for your mate(say your being his best woman)and wanted to suss out how much you'll need to spend to give him a good night.

It's become more common just lately for some guys to have a best woman rather than a best man.

I think there are some industries - male dominated ones - where this is still going on but most others have a very different attitude to corporate entertaining generally. You have to be very careful not to be seen to be bribing people. I used to do a lot of entertaining - boxes at sporting/cultural events most. These days my customers can't accept more than a ballpoint pen for a Christmas present.

I'm not sure about the masculine status of sexual access to women thing, however. I think the appeal is doing something a bit daring and having someone else pay for it. Drinking too much, staying out all night... misbehaving generally. I think it's on the wane

It may sound crazy, but the strip club is a business. Call and ask for a clarification of the bill, for reimbursement purposes.

I had to do this, as the accounting clerk, when a new representative took a client to a strip club instead of a restaurant. Forget the price list, these days, the electronic billing systems keep exact details. They can look up the check and tell you exactly what was purchased.

From that experience, and discussion with a culinary school classmate: they often have good steak food, really cheap, as a customer draw. Beer and well-drinks are often bargainish too. Show off priced bottles of booze and fizz sell for premium prices, just as they do at a non-naked dance club or bar-restaurant. I suppose the current fashion for cocktails plays out the same way, so a G&T using even what used to be considered a top class of gin won't be much more than at any bar, but a splashy cocktail with whatever is the fashionable gin this season, will cost outrageous amounts.

So, there might not be private dances, just show-off drinks choices.

OP, am I right in thinking that the real question you want to ask is 'Did DH sleep with a prostitute?'

I know that there are links between some lap dancing clubs and brothels, but I think it's unlikely. The receipts could be for drinks, or for dances.

If I am right, then I think the question should be whether you really trust this guy.

I find this whole thing so incredibly depressing.

OP - In all honesty, I think you should sit down with your husband and ask him why the hell he thought it was appropriate to use a strip club as a venue to entertain clients. Is he living in the fifties? Can he not see how incredibly offensive it is in this day and age? What if there were female clients? Exactly how uncomfortable would they have felt? What if some of his clients were gay? Why would he automatically assume that every single client is going to have a penis and like seeing naked women? It just...it just absolutely screams of having literally no diversity awareness whatsoever in any way shape or form. And also being a massive prick.

It's also pretty awkward for the men involved. I'm sure many men wouldn't give it a second thought, but what about those men who have daughters the same age as the strippers? Or the men - perish the thought - that find the whole concept sexist and outdated.

OP if you go back through the bank statements, have there been other similar transactions in the past and, if so, have they been reimbursed?

If not, you could ask him why not. If his company doesn't pay for strip clubs then he should not be taking clients there. If there are no other transactions, you could ask him to get this one reimbursed and see what happens.

If it's all above board the company would pay for it. If not, he has some explaining to do.

You can also now make it clear to him that you don't want him going in those clubs any more. If he tries to argue against that then you have a problem.

Itsays I completely agree .

It's not '£500 of family money' if the company is going to reimburse him ... but it will be reimbursed in a week or two. Let's keep a sense of proportion.

I think you are being quite harsh here! I don't know about OP, but we would struggle if we had to wait 2 weeks to be reimbursed that amount of money. Of course it was family money. If op did a shop & couldn't pay because he had spent that money, he is taking food of his kids table!

If he was buying the services of a dancer, he can hardly expense that, can he!

How long ago was this OP?