Don't think I can do this anymore. Think I need to go NC.

[AbsolutelyKnackered]

In a nutshell I was sexually abused by a sibling from the age of about 8/9 for a couple of years. Sibling was 2.5 years older. Sometimes a cousin was also involved, he was 4 years older (than me). Parents never found out.

I was also borderline abused by a music teacher when I was 10. I quit lessons but never told my parents why. He ended up going to jail for a string of sex attacks on pupils and it was then, after CID seized his 20 year old diaries and contacted my parents (I was then an adult) that I told them.

I have never had a good relationship with my parents, particularly with my mum. Apart from all of the above we are very different and I don't like her very much. She is quite passive aggressive. My father is quite aggressive (not physically but is very tightly wound). However, I have always kept her in my life out of a feeling of obligation etc (yes, am aware of the FOG!).

My own DCs are now the same ages that my brother and I were when things started and I feel like I'm going through PST. I just keep thinking WTF on a constant loop.

I find I am surly with my mum and I know it upsets her but I just cannot bring myself to be any other way. They don't know what I have been through and I cannot tell them. So I am the black sheep and the one who causes problems because I cannot bring myself to play happily families any more - I did that for 20+ years. I am distant and that's the way I want to keep it.

I remember at around age 9 I had really bad IBS and this was investigated at the hospital. I also remember being taken to the doc as I was so skinny. I have only made these links today. I am constantly looking at my own children and thinking HOW COULD YOU NOT THINK SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I have seen a counsellor about all this. I told DH a few years ago. I told my BF a year ago. It felt good to get it off my chest. I just feel that right now, I cannot have my parents in my life. It's stopping me sleeping and I'm having nightmares. Yet still I cannot tell them why I am distant and angry with them. But I am angry. They did not keep me safe. And I've had to play happy families ever since. And I have. But I don't feel I want to do it anymore.

It's okay to go NC right? Without being able to give them a reason why (to protect them, oh the irony). What happened to me wasn't normal, was it? (I of course also have to live with the extreme shame).

Sorry for the ramble.

PS of course he could just be overcome with guilt but unable to verbalise that. I have not replied. I don't think I can bring myself to text back with what he did - ie. you abused me etc. That's why I've not said it up to now.

Would you like to meet him? (not alone though, obvs). What is the likelihood anything valuable will come out of it?

If you do want to meet, do you think it would be better to text him a short answer saying it is about his abuse of you, before meeting?

No need to answer on the thread, just throwing out questions that I hope are useful.

No. I don't want to meet him. I want to opt out of any contact for the foreseeable future.

I don't know obviously how many times the abuse happened. but you might know approx.if its 1? 5? 10 ? ........etc.
So you can send a text back, giving him places & times, & that X cousin was present & you mother walked in...(she remembers)
finish it saying, "you are full of shit, of course you hurt me, I was 8/9 years old.... Think about it, you are an abusive molester, a predator, & you could at least spare me this pitiful denial. This has pursued me through my whole adult life. You are lucky I haven't taken it to the police."

Agree with mix again You do not have to see him ever again. And wot of all this talk about your parents' passing? They may live another 20yrs!!! Jesus....Yet more blatent manipulation, emotional blackmail and bullshit from him. You must see right thru it.....?!

He knows wot he did. How could he not? And I surely can't believe your parents haven't said something to him?? He sounds like he's testing the waters. He's wondering if he can enter into a discussion with you so he's better able to manipulate you and control the conversation perhaps?

Don't give him that power. Don't enter into discussion unless you feel strong and ready to do so. Do not let him dictate where this goes. You have the upper hand here. If it were me in your shoes, I know Ii would be texting him a very short, to the point " I'm talking about how you abused me( age wotever and any memories, cousin etc, wotever details you want to add)" etc etc, words to that extent. Or simply " the abuse" and let it hang there cos remember, txts are evidence!

But that's just me. What are your BF and husband advising you to do? At least you have real life support just now. But things aren't gonna change with your bro cos he will never confess of his own volition. He's daring you to tell him and spell it out. He thinks he's exerting control but YOU are the one that is now in control.

If it were me I would just let him have it. 3 words; " you abused me " then let him bloody stew further. Arrogant wanker!!

I am so sorry to keep posting excerpts of conversation but it is helping me to feel that I am putting across what is being said and not just my take on it which may be skewed from decades of bitterness. And it is important to me to be fair and to see all sides.

So I did somehow find the strength to text back. I just said "the sex. Doesn't ring any bells?". His reply is below. I'm flabbergasted that he just dismisses it with a few words and then on to meeting up again. And him setting the rules for that (it will just be you and me). It's all bullshit because he hasn't given a toss for so many years. You know when you and your siblings start having kids and you all meet up for bday parties etc. And I used to go to so much effort and would always have a family tea party at home for my kids for his family and our parents (as well as party for kids' friends). But they never reciprocated (perhaps guilt?). Perhaps that sort of thing wasn't important to them which is fine. Was my choice to do it. But now all the crap about how he hates the upset and wishes we spoke more etc. etc. I can see right through it. He has always always been manipulative and used to getting his own way. I grew up in quite a sexist household too. Ppl think he is a "gentle giant" but of course I know another side. And he perhaps hasn't realised that I am smarter than him.

Thing is, I expected him to say sth like "gosh, I too have struggled with it and I am so sorry. I don't understand what happened either etc.". But the fact that he is just lying his way through it does make me see it in a whole different light.

My BF works f/t and has been in meetings most of the day. My DH is at work in client meetings. I haven't fully told them today's events but I feel so sick and have that fight/flight taste in my mouth, you know? I rarely drink but I am going to have a small glass of wine as I feel I need to just relax a little. Thank you again for all your posts. It is especially helpful on days like today when my RL support isn't immediate.

"no not at all sorry. Can we meet up anyway perhaps for a coffee at (shopping mall) at some point for a chat, I hate bad feelings it will be just you and me, I understand if you don't want to. Just thought (town) is close to you and not to far from me".

PS I said no thanks. He said perhaps when you feel you can. I said I don't ever want to see him or our parents again and asked him again to leave me alone.

Well done lass !! Tell him and them to get stuffed! Good riddance to them all.

Does your husband not wanna punch his bloody lights out tho? I know I would, if I were in your BF shoes!

So glad you can see right thru his transparent bullshit tactics. Like he has selective memory syndrome....WTF? You didn't come down with the last shower

Stand firm, you're doin great. I think you mentioned the abuse went on for a cpl years? And he really can't remember any of it? As fucking if!!

Dirty, lying, low-life bastard. I'm glad you're making him sweat, although inadvertantly. He'll be shitting bricks it'll all come out and his wife, etc will find out I'll bet.

Wash your hands of the whole sorry lot of them. Good for you once again, girl

He remembers perfectly well, and he's trying to minimise it, Absolutely. He probably has even convinced himself that all he did was play doctors with you or something like that. But on some level he knows.

My paternal grandfather died in the arms of my father and my mother, in hospital. Later, my toxic grandmother and aunts (who hadn't bothered to come to hospital) claimed - the three of them - that they had been there when he died and my parents hadn't even come (they live in another town). And they seemed so completely certain that they made me doubt for a second (until I called my parents and confirmed it).

Later, of course, they slipped and said things that made it clear that they knew exactly what had happened. But never underestimate people's desire and capacity to lie to themselves.

And you're doing so well, Absolutely. You should be very proud of yourself for being so brave.

By the way, if someone talks about remembering "the sex" in your childhood, the normal response from somone who really didn't know what you were talking about would be something along the lines of "WHAT? What sex? What do you mean? What happened?" Because it's such an alarming thing.

"No, not at all, sorry"? As if you had asked him if he remembered something trivial? He knows. Of course he does.

Agree DB is testing the waters re that text - ending it with 'I am not a bad person' - quite infantile words and defensive my instinct was he knows exactly what you mean

I refer to the earlier text. But the latest text is cold - he knows, is still wanting control of any meet up and is very very aware of history. I hope you're ok OP this is a massive step towards some sort of clearance on a terrible life experience. Stay strong.

Agree with The point DistanceCall made about people having an immense capacity to lie. Usually from those closest. It's true manipulation.

Well why does he suddenly want to take the time to see you over something he can't remember ?
He doesn't want to write anything by text......that would be proof ! he is covering his tracks....

The utter bastard is playing the denial game. & hoping that confusion, shame & guilt re hurting parents will keep you on a leash.
Don't play, ALL the aces are in you hands, you can tell all the aunts, you can contact all your female cousins, brother's wife, abuser cousin's wife...
MY God, you could call the police, & denounce & their kids could be checked by a doctor...social services called in.
I would tell him start thinking hard & remember straight in his lying pervert's head. Because any more smoke screen & you are going to the police.
Of course he can keep lying, but the doubt cast could taint him for life.
You give him the chance to be humble & apologize....apparently he has chosen to lie

Sorry, got a little cross there, on your behalf !
I know you don't want to make it messy.
so I guess NC NC NC. Shit

I would make it messy if it wasn't family. Just been talking to DH who is now home. He says I am a very loyal person and in this instance my loyalty is misplaced but we agreed it is very hard because I grew up with these people and despite all the shit we did have some good times too.

One thing is for sure; I'm feeling more calm and a better parent I believe since things hit the fan a couple of weeks ago. It is really making me appreciate my family even more and I am being sure to show it more than usual. They are feeding off that and so it's become a lovely cycle of love and appreciation.

absolutely Hope you're doin OK tonight and getting lots of emotional support from your husband and BF, as well as drawing strength from your kids.

This has sickened me even further now, seeing as you are, in fact talking about rape. You hadn't used that word up until now, only sexual "abuse", which encompasses a lot.

If you're saying that you were forced to repeatedly have sex with both your brother and your cousin, for 2 yrs, and that your mother ( and probably your dad ) found out but turned a blind eye, thereby enabling the 2 abusers, and that there were never any consequences for the abusers, or support offered to yourself....and the ensuing general nastiness you experienced from 2 horribly and emotionally inept "parents", then I am truly disgusted by the sheer injustice of it all. I really am

These perverts have gone on to live their lives quite freely and without fear of repurcussions for their behaviour, blissfully unaware and disinterested in the wake of destruction they have left. The damage they have done to you!

Thank God you've gone on to be successful in all areas of your life but what if you hadn't? What if you went off the rails, talked to lots of people, inc health professionals about it. The authorities would've got involved, and your parents wouldn't be able to bury their heads in the sand then, if the shit hit the fan! Because this is the route that some people/kids do go down.

Well that's by the by, the main thing is you're dealing with it and you've got support but I do feel for you, I really do. Once again, I'm so sorry this has happened at all. You don't need these arseholes in your life any longer, that is blatently apparent.

Thank you chimi. I don't think the full thing happened a lot. Maybe a couple of times. Not that that matters (feels wrong to court such sympathy). I don't know that I was physically forced either. Most of the memories are so sketchy although some are brief but very vivid. Certainly with the cousin it wasn't the whole thing. I just remember it happening and sometimes wish it wasn't. Sometimes it's just sth that happened. I feel awful guilt that I was complicit in some way. I also don't think that my parents knew the full extent of it. I do think they would have stepped in if they had. I think they just saw what they thought was "doctors and nurses". Maybe I need to think this way to help me cope but it's what I believe.

The music teacher situation was odd too. So that was when I was around 10. He tried something once, then I quit lessons. Ten years later imagine my horror when I realised that I worked with his wife! Then I saw him at a work fun day thing and he came up to me and asked me how my parents were etc.

Fast forward about 3 years and my parents get the call from the CID. Two of his pupils (older - one was an adult) had reported him for rape. They had seized his diaries going back 20 years. My name was in there. Hence the contact. By this time I had left that job but a good friend still worked there. She called me one day to say that the wife was leaving work because they were moving to Spain. I called CID to tell them and ask if they had his passport. They said "oh no, don't worry, he won't abscond". Two weeks later I received a phone call from CID. "Mr pervert music teacher has absconded. Could you find out where he's gone from your friend?". I couldn't believe it!! Long story short they tracked him down, he feigned heart problems to stop the extradition. But they got him in the end. He ended up serving time in jail. That was 20 years ago. I tried to find out more about his sentence last week but couldn't (anyone know how I could?). But I did find that he died just last year, aged 83. Heart problems my arse.

Hugs AK - I'm not sure how I would have felt had my situation been denied.

So much of abuse is about power & control - that is what is the biggest cause of the pain/torture/damage IME. PM me again if you think I can help x

Your brother's response is not the response of someone who has no idea of what you are talking about.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you have a supportive husband and friend.

Take care.

How can an 8 year old be complicit...... ? You didn't run to Mummy because it was your older brother who you loved & trusted.
The cousin was 12/13.......any abuse, whatever degree you want to classify it by, was not you fault, you didn't instigate it, you were an innocent party.
NO GUILT.........ZERO........NADA

Just checking in, hope you're ok op. You're such a strong person and I admire you.

I hope you're family have been respectful of your wishes to not contact you.

Thank you fug. Not heard from any of them which is a huge relief. I realise just how it was affecting me, having to be part of the family. I don't know what happens next. I am seeing my counsellor every Thursday for a while. First session next week.

OP I just wanted to say that I think you are being unbelievably brave. I can't imagine how you feel but I think you are being so courageous standing up to your brother and parents like that. Well done! I hope the sessions with your counsellor go well.

Hi AK. I have been lurking on your thread because I haven't felt I have anything helpful to add. But I just want to say that I am cheering you on from the sidelines, as many other lurkers probably are.

You have handled things so well, with such perception and grace, and you are being so strong. I am so sorry that you were abused. Your family (your real family that is - your DH and DCs) are so lucky that you are able to recognise what real love and care are. I hope you are feeling very proud of yourself, and that your sessions with your counsellor continue to help you in your journey towards healing.