Don't think I can do this anymore. Think I need to go NC.

[AbsolutelyKnackered]

In a nutshell I was sexually abused by a sibling from the age of about 8/9 for a couple of years. Sibling was 2.5 years older. Sometimes a cousin was also involved, he was 4 years older (than me). Parents never found out.

I was also borderline abused by a music teacher when I was 10. I quit lessons but never told my parents why. He ended up going to jail for a string of sex attacks on pupils and it was then, after CID seized his 20 year old diaries and contacted my parents (I was then an adult) that I told them.

I have never had a good relationship with my parents, particularly with my mum. Apart from all of the above we are very different and I don't like her very much. She is quite passive aggressive. My father is quite aggressive (not physically but is very tightly wound). However, I have always kept her in my life out of a feeling of obligation etc (yes, am aware of the FOG!).

My own DCs are now the same ages that my brother and I were when things started and I feel like I'm going through PST. I just keep thinking WTF on a constant loop.

I find I am surly with my mum and I know it upsets her but I just cannot bring myself to be any other way. They don't know what I have been through and I cannot tell them. So I am the black sheep and the one who causes problems because I cannot bring myself to play happily families any more - I did that for 20+ years. I am distant and that's the way I want to keep it.

I remember at around age 9 I had really bad IBS and this was investigated at the hospital. I also remember being taken to the doc as I was so skinny. I have only made these links today. I am constantly looking at my own children and thinking HOW COULD YOU NOT THINK SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I have seen a counsellor about all this. I told DH a few years ago. I told my BF a year ago. It felt good to get it off my chest. I just feel that right now, I cannot have my parents in my life. It's stopping me sleeping and I'm having nightmares. Yet still I cannot tell them why I am distant and angry with them. But I am angry. They did not keep me safe. And I've had to play happy families ever since. And I have. But I don't feel I want to do it anymore.

It's okay to go NC right? Without being able to give them a reason why (to protect them, oh the irony). What happened to me wasn't normal, was it? (I of course also have to live with the extreme shame).

Sorry for the ramble.

He went on to say that sending the letter would upset dad too. I find this very manipulative. He knows I was always closer to my dad than my mum. He thought that was a more persuasive argument

It's odd. In a way I am trying to think about what this is like for him if he truly hasn't given it another thought or has struggled with it like me - to suddenly have it brought up. I am ready to face it; but he may not be. I feel a tiny bit bad that I have probably ruined his week lol. But then I just think wow, lucky you, if it hasn't had any negative impact on your life whatsoever. All the while it's been a constant shadow lurking over mine. Makes me feel more of the victim whereas before I didn't see it that way. Of course, it may have had an impact on him and he may struggle to want to remember.

He has asked a couple of times for me to please call him. I have declined. I don't feel I am ready to actually speak about it. And it had crossed my mind that he may "fess up" in a phone call, but doesn't want to put anything in writing. He's quite canny like this. He was always the golden child. Doesn't really give too much of a crap about others. It's okay not to want to call though, right? I feel I might lose some of the power I feel.

'It's all very manipulative yes?'

Oh yes indeed. Especially trying to guilt trip you into letting the whole thing drop because it may upset your parents. He remembers what happened just fine. He may very well have been abused and not remember, or not be willing to acknowledge it to himself. Or he may not have been abused at all. Who knows. It doesn't particularly matter, because the impact of his abuse on you is the same, no matter what.

Yes its absolutely fine not to call him back if you don't want to. You are being incredibly strong about this and you need to stay that way. Trust your feelings - be guided by what feels ok to you. If calling him is too much right now, don't do it, no matter what he wants/expects you to do. Its a wonderful feeling when you start to realise the power you hold - hang onto it.

this whole thing has massive repurcussions. particularly if he also abused, who was it ? family/neighbour/priest ?

The elephant in the room now is, does he have a daughter?

He absolutely need to talk to you, maybe he will turn up at your house.

sorry, typos

Absolutely well done on how you're dealing with this and making him squirm and I like the sound of your letter btw. So is the next step to txt him and asking him outright " Do you remember abusing me, along with our cousin, when I was a young kid?" Or words to that effect. Cos I think you're gonna have to spell it out for him.

At least with txt you will feel more empowered perhaps, as opposed to a phone call? Just a thought, but you will have the txts as evidence too. And you know for a fact, if he txts back denying all knowledge, he's a total and utter bullshitter! YOU haven't bloody forgotten anything and you've had to cart this huge, millstone around your neck for far too bloody long. Feel sooo pissed off on your behalf

How dare he treat you like this?! How dare he be the favoured one and get away scott free with what he's done?? It is totally and utterly irrelevant if he was abused or not because he abused you and, at that age, he KNEW right from wrong. So even if someone was abused that gives them no right to then go ahead and ruin someone elses life! I've never bought that as an excuse.

We're supposed to be protected by our older siblings, not be abused by them! Same goes for parents obv. It's a no-brainer to me. You've had to deal with this all these years...well I think it's pay-back time and time to let go of the burden once and for all. They're all bloody toxic and bring nothing positive to your life. Follow your gut instinct and your heart, you've been manipulated by the lot of them your entire life. Surely enough is enough!

I say, confront him via txt and send the letter to your awful parents regardless. Then it's done. It doesn't have to be all long and protracted unless you would prefer that approach of course. But just do it so that you no longer have to be used and abused by the toxic bloody lot of them. Them 3 and your cousin sound bloody dreadful and a match made in heaven. Let them get on with it! It's lucky for him you're not talking about pressing charges given that he and the cousin did commit a criminal offence afterall.

YOU have done nothing wrong, you've tried to conform and they've treat you like absolute shite as a result! I think the next stage in you recovering from all this is to just get the truth out there and to hell with the consequences. If they don't like what you have to say then tough shit! It's their bloody fault at the end of the day anyway, isn't it?

Thanks for the replies. I don't think he was abused.

It's odd as I really thought he'd say sth like "yeah, we were kids, I'm sorry, I think about it too, I'm sorry" etc. The fact that he's taken a different tack all together makes me feel like he wasn't quite the kid I thought he was. It feels in my head like it's taken a more sinister turn. I'm a forgiving person generally - I wasn't accusing him or saying YOU did this to ME. Yet still he has taken this route.

As an aside I had an odd thought earlier about changing my first name?! I'm not massively keen on my name but don't hate it but there are other names I much prefer. I feel that choosing a name for myself and doing it officially etc. would be very empowering. Is that daft and just too knee jerky?!

I'm so sorry, Absolutely. I fear that this wholesale denial may be the reaction you receive from your entire family. It will hurt if that does happen .

Please believe me when I say that you have always had the power in yourself to free yourself from them already, as things stand. You have the right to walk away, without giving a reason or a rationale. You don't need to be bound by fear and obligation and guilt. You don't have to go through this exposure in order to be able to walk away from them forever, if you don't want to.

I am worried that you are experiencing the texting as power over your brother. NOT because it is wrong for you to have power over him - he has had it over you for years - but because your family can shut that power off if they deny your truth. It is a different kind of power, I think, from that which flows from yourself. You do not need their affirmation. You do not need them to acknowledge what happened for it to be real.

I am absolutely not saying 'Don't do this', but more 'Focus on your own power, separate from the power that comes from dominating them, and make your choices according to what will help you. You are the only person that matters'. If even part of you hopes that you will get affirmation or acknowledgement from them by doing this, then you are in a very vulnerable place and I fear you may get the very opposite of that which you seek. We are here for you.

OP, that's interesting - I really don't like my name either. I have to use my 'real' name professionally but I use a different version of it in all other situations and I'm much more comfortable with that.

Thanks for your concern shove. I don't feel I'm enjoying wielding power over him in the way that I think you mean although I can see that that could easily happen. I feel stronger for being able to confront him about it. I've tried not to lord it over him or make the texts threatening to him. I guess I just feel like I have power to choose to distance myself from my family. I've always felt under the thumb before, utterly. That I ought to behave like this or that. I'm actually a really strong character as far as others are concerned. With them I've tried to temper that and it doesn't always work what with all this crap going on too. So I've found myself butting up against them frequently, and being the bad guy for it.

For now I feel at ease and secure in my decision to withdraw. I don't know if I mentioned but my DM called again yesterday at around 6pm. I'm certain she would have got the email I sent to my dad. My DS answered and told her I was at the supermarket. I could hear her on the phone and it makes me feel sick. I feel bad that he lied and of course he doesn't know what is going on but they both know that things are rarely good with my parents. But FFS I had hoped she would heed the email and give me some space.

He cannot confess, he would lose his station as golden boy. His parents, his wife, his children will find out. (if indeed the children don't already know. Jeez)

If he goes on denying it of course you have a Joker.
"you ask if you wouldn't be welcome here, certainly not alone in a room with my daughter."

re the name change...what would your partner call you ? if he already has a nick name of course it wouldn't matter, but otherwise difficult for him.

Hi OP, very sorry about what happened to you. I struggle with my childhood memories but they are not nearly as bad as yours.

One thing i must say, though, is that you will come across like you're playing games, looking for attention. And who knows what kind of defense tactics your brother is preparing. You have to get this into the open asap or it may backfire.

Absolutely But you haven't asked him outright and challenged him about the abuse so at the moment, he knows damn well wot you're referring to, but it's like he's daring you to spell it out and really put him on the spot.

I agree it does come across as sinister but, as I say, you've not made it properly clear, just been vague or alluded to the abuse perhaps, so he's saying he doesn't know what you're on about.

That's why you need to come out with it so there can be no confusion. Obv if he then denies it ( blatently calling you a liar in a round about way ) you will have your answer and know where you stand with him.

BTW what is the situation with the cousin ( sorry if you've mentioned this earlier ) now? Are you also goin to confront him? Do you see him ever?

It now makes me wonder if people like your brother and cousin have tendancies to go on and become paedophiles or be sexually abusive to women. Because that was just more than little kids playing "Drs and Nurses"!! They were both teenagers FFS and knew exactly what they were doing! Did they threaten you not to tell or just presume you wouldn't? And what made the abuse stop in the end?

I think you've done amazingly well to get where you are today. You sound "Intact" as psychologists would say, intelligent, successful and able to have healthy relationships with others. I know my best friend wasn't so fortunate/strong and years of suicide attempts, strong meds, ECT etc have left their scars and she's still in the mental health system at age 40yrs.

Everyone copes differently of course, but I admire your strength and resilience and determination to make something of yourself. You are such a positive role model for your kids. I commend you, I really do.

I haven't seen the cousin for many years. I suspect the next time will be at a funeral. We had 8 aunts and uncles between all of us cousins (4 sets of parents, mine included). One died about 8 years ago. The others are all aged 71 to around 80. There will be funerals (rather stating the obvious there!) to go to and I'm already thinking what will I do when that time comes.

Someone else asked me how they got me to keep it quiet. I don't know. I don't remember any threats. It was just something that happened to me. I don't remember how it started, or how it ended.

When the music teacher tried to abuse me it didn't even enter my head to tell my parents. The CID said he was a classic paedo. My parents trusted him and respected him (of course now I wonder how much they really looked into him before he was allowed to pick me up from school and take me back to his house). As a child you don't always know it's so horribly wrong. My parents never even told me about periods until they started in my early teens. We had certainly not had any conversations about people touching you in certain places. I do wonder how much of that is a sign of the times? Like with all these historic child abuse cases coming out over recent years. It almost seemed to be so acceptable back then?

Thank you chimi. Perhaps that is a positive way for me to look at it now. I am strong and I am resilient (I have been through other hard times in my life too such as a failed marriage. We've all been through our tough times haven't we). I'm proud that actually who I am today is all down to me. In spite of my parents and not because of them. I do sometimes struggle to control my fiery temper and I used to suffer from dreadful PMT too. I think I need to be a little kinder to myself and forgive myself for occasions when I have not acted in a way that has made me proud.

I'm lucky to have an easy going DH and two wonderful boys who I know adore me wholeheartedly. Even the almost teenager still gives plenty of hugs and "I love yous". And my boys, they adore each other. They hardly ever fight but love each other and they really are best friends. I have tried to create and shape a family much different to the one I was brought up in. I haven't always got it right but we talk and we listen and we hear. I just can't imagine being the sort of parents that mine were.

Haha, I didn't get a jot of sex ed at home and that inc zero info on periods! Next to nothing at school back in the 80s either. It was mostly me and my mates informing ourselves by reading Jackie or Blue Jeans magazines !!!

Yes it is interesting about all the sex abuse allegations recently. I'm wondering which will be the next of my childhood heroes to be in the news......God, I used to love Rolf Harris!

Yes you've done more than alright for yourself considering the circumstances. Despite everything that's got in your path. I also strive to be nothing like my now disowned mother. And since going No Contact I have never given her a 2nd thought and the relief is immense. Just the not feeling obliged to send a flaming Mother's Day card every year! I used to hate that. Hated the pretence and even acknowledging her as my mother. It made me so uncomfortable.

I despise liars and it actually made me feel like a liar, carrying on with the false charade of playing the dutiful daughter role. I lost some self-respect with myself. I was being deceitful. Now I'm glad I can be honest with myself and ridding myself of that burden was the best thing I ever did.

Just hugs

I know what you mean chimi. I like to think I have integrity and I too feel like I've been dishonest and "acted" against my beliefs; not been true to myself. When I buy her a bday card I always try to get the plainest one I can.

I had a horrid flashback when I was putting DS2 to bed. It really caught me unawares. I've not had that particular memory before. I feel like some things are coming to me for the first time. It's really unsettling.

Well done for getting through this.

Children in abusive families internalise the abuse because that's all they know - they see it as "normal", are implicitly pressured to maintain the appearance of normality by their relatives, and feel terribly guilty if they bring the abuse to the light in any way.

This type of families are all about not upsetting the applecart, about keeping up appearances. And children are "indoctrinated" into it from a very young age. Hence the FOG, and hence why you kept it quiet. You really shouldn't blame yourself for that. You were a victim, in more than one way.

Sadly, there was similar abuse in my extended family.

A teenaged uncle abused his niece and on the last occasion his nephew as well, which is when he was caught by his father (the children's grandfather) and told to stop. Sadly, the grandfather did not tell the parents of the abuse. The uncle was the golden child of the family, incidentally.

Many years later, and after counselling, the niece bravely told her parents what had happened. Her parents told the uncle that they supported their daughter and son and that they, their children and their families would no longer have any contact with him. And so it has been.

OP, sadly I think your parents will not support you, but I still I think you should tell them, and as soon as possible. If it means going NC then thats what you will have to do.

I think your brother will be thinking hard this weekend about this and I wouldn't be surprised if he goes to your parents this weekend to pre-empt anything you may say to them, he'll be wanting to get in there first to control the situation.

He sounds dangerously manipulative OP I'd be making a decision soon before he sets things alight so to speak.

Is he an alpha male type? How is his marriage? Agree with other post who said that this past could have influenced his current behaviour towards women/his daughter? For their sakes I think by confronting this issue it may yes cause 'embarrassment for him and parents /damage but may actually help his partner/daughter if he perhaps has behaved wrongly to them too?

Thank you for the replies and all the support. It really is helping me to stay strong and I'm very grateful. At the moment I'm not feeling that I can send the letter. I guess partly because of what he has said and partly because I don't feel ready and I don't feel it's something I can rush. I am still hoping to see my counsellor in the next few weeks. She is changing locations and should have a slot for me. I'd like to talk it through with her.

One thing is for sure though. I do feel "lighter" without having to deal with my parents calling etc. (and it's only been a few days!). I am already guilting myself over Mother's Day. Whether to send a card or not. I haven't told them I'm going NC; I've put them on hold for now. I don't want to send a card. I hope I can be strong enough to follow through with that.

I read this yesterday.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/labour/11415006/Karen-Danczuk-Im-hooked-on-selfies-because-I-was-raped-aged-six.html

Most of her family don't believe her.

OP, listen to your gut. Its only been a few days but you're already feeling better for having less contact with your parents. Doesn't that speak volumes? Keep it going. Expect wobbly moments and guilt attacks - they are horrible but you can get through them. Trust yourself. You can do this.

Oh yes, your family will deny it and try to make it our you are "difficult", "unstable", or something like that.

I think it's a very good idea to talk this over with your counsellor and then see how you feel about sending the letter. Meanwhile, keep stalling. Ask your husband to run interference for you.

It's going to get better; really, it is. Keep strong.

Major handholding required please. DM has been calling (ignored) and also left two voicemails on moby. I called her back. She said she can't stand this and what is this issue I'm dealing with. She asked me if it was the music teacher incident. I said no but that I was abused by two members of my family. She immediately said "was it brother". I said I wouldn't say but I got the sense she knew anyway. She was all like I can't believe this and you must tell us. I said I have carried this with me my whole life and never told them to protect them. I said I can't talk to them now. I am having couselling to help me come to terms with it and I hung up.

I'm shaking and feeling sick and thinking wtf have I done :(