Don't think I can do this anymore. Think I need to go NC.

[AbsolutelyKnackered]

In a nutshell I was sexually abused by a sibling from the age of about 8/9 for a couple of years. Sibling was 2.5 years older. Sometimes a cousin was also involved, he was 4 years older (than me). Parents never found out.

I was also borderline abused by a music teacher when I was 10. I quit lessons but never told my parents why. He ended up going to jail for a string of sex attacks on pupils and it was then, after CID seized his 20 year old diaries and contacted my parents (I was then an adult) that I told them.

I have never had a good relationship with my parents, particularly with my mum. Apart from all of the above we are very different and I don't like her very much. She is quite passive aggressive. My father is quite aggressive (not physically but is very tightly wound). However, I have always kept her in my life out of a feeling of obligation etc (yes, am aware of the FOG!).

My own DCs are now the same ages that my brother and I were when things started and I feel like I'm going through PST. I just keep thinking WTF on a constant loop.

I find I am surly with my mum and I know it upsets her but I just cannot bring myself to be any other way. They don't know what I have been through and I cannot tell them. So I am the black sheep and the one who causes problems because I cannot bring myself to play happily families any more - I did that for 20+ years. I am distant and that's the way I want to keep it.

I remember at around age 9 I had really bad IBS and this was investigated at the hospital. I also remember being taken to the doc as I was so skinny. I have only made these links today. I am constantly looking at my own children and thinking HOW COULD YOU NOT THINK SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I have seen a counsellor about all this. I told DH a few years ago. I told my BF a year ago. It felt good to get it off my chest. I just feel that right now, I cannot have my parents in my life. It's stopping me sleeping and I'm having nightmares. Yet still I cannot tell them why I am distant and angry with them. But I am angry. They did not keep me safe. And I've had to play happy families ever since. And I have. But I don't feel I want to do it anymore.

It's okay to go NC right? Without being able to give them a reason why (to protect them, oh the irony). What happened to me wasn't normal, was it? (I of course also have to live with the extreme shame).

Sorry for the ramble.

Well, make it clear that you won't be discussing this matter with her, and give her absolutely no information about your life. Be cool and distant, and make sure that she notices the change. Just talk about your children. If she persists in meddling in your life, then start looking for other options.

But your MIL seems to be enjoying the drama. As I said, it would be interesting to know why her daughter went NC with her.

I agree with distance, I would withdraw, after the couple of weeks when she hasn't seen them, just withdraw, as much conversation as possible, say you're in a hurry, or text to say the kids have another activity on her day after school. Don't ring for a chat. if she says anything, just curtly say "I cannot consider you as a confidante, so nothing much so say".
Avoid her. Often when they have been suitably cold shouldered for a while they become remorseful, (although not necessarily trustworthy)

Agreed be cool and distant and agreed, find somewhere else to look after the children.

Fwiw I think her reaction is awful. Her reaction at the time wasn't that great but to not promise to keep it to herself is unforgiveable. It's guesswork but it sounds like she has been talking to your mother. I would never trust her again and I'd not be particularly friendly either.

"she woudl try to see both sides?" "she will not be gagged?"

no, this isnt a trustworthy woman.

I expect she has been brainwashed by your mother, with added derisory remarks, like "she exaggerates, she is looking for attention, she has always been different" etc. Your mother does not want your MIL to believe that they failed to protect you in the most appalling way. she is good at manipulating & domineering. She will have convinced MIL that there was no "real" truth in this story. I don't expect MIL is being malicious, but definitely not very intuitive, or supportive.

Agreed. My mother has always put an extreme spin on things. Completely twisted what I have said in the past. I can well imagine how any conversation will have gone. It's very empowering to "get it" after all these years.

I read through a lot of this thread this morning. I do feel much more free without the contact. I feel that it was such a draining struggle to be part of the family for decades and just carry on with it them knowing what I had been through.

So turn the phone off over Easter, No Contact is great, you know why, they know why. Move on, detach, be Happy :o)

Hi everyone,
Well, a few months down the line and I have managed to stay NC.

My mother has called twice. She sent DS2 a bday card and cheque (in April) as per usual. I didn't cash the cheque immediately. Two weeks went by. I am still seeing my counsellor and discussed with her whether I should keep or return the cheque. We decided that as it was for DS2 and made out in his name I would put it in his bank account, as intended.

So two weeks after DS' bday she called on a Saturday morning (perhaps cos she knew DH would be home so I wouldn't have had to answer). Bearing in mind DS had already sent a thank you card which she acknowledged receiving. But she asked DH if there was a problem with the cheque as she noticed it had not been paid in. He said you know we have it and that AbsK probably hasn't been to the bank yet. He was polite but brief. This made me not want to pay it in for a while. Ordinarily I would have thought gosh, I need to pay that in. So another 2 weeks went by (and actually I'd not been past the bank). She called again, on another Saturday morning. Wanting to ask why wasn't the cheque paid in? She tried to engage DH a little (I was away for the weekend) and said I had mentioned some things to my dad in an email blah blah. He did not take the bait and was firm and polite and ended the call. I waited another week (so as not to be controlled - I knew she would be checking her bank account daily) and then I paid the cheque in.

Other than that I've not heard from them. I said to my counsellor that the only way forward for me to have contact was had she written me a heartfelt letter. Put some effort in, said she always loved me and was sorry for what I had been through. Nothing.

It's father's day on Sunday and I think my strategy will be not to send a card. I have more positive feelings to my dad in a way (I can admire him a bit because of what he has been through in his own life and how he is a fighter who has got through some tough times). I will likely do what I did on Mother's Day. Just send an email to say I am thinking about him.

I've actually been in hospital this week having had an operation. I said to DH should I tell them I'm going in. He said I shouldn't because I can't have it both ways and I agreed.

I have had contact from my brother. He found out about the death of a childhood's friend's parent (via the line of work he is in). He left me a voicemail about it which was awful cos I hate hearing his voice and getting a random message. (Actually when my mother calls and DH tells me after I feel physically sick and anxious). Anyway, brother left a message to call him and I thought initially it was bad news about our parents. I texted to say I am not calling. Text me whatever it is. He did. He then said this friend had said we could all go for a drink together which is bullshit I know (having spoken to her). He said "obviously I didn't tell S we have fallen out but it was quite awkward really". Then he said "can we talk, if not now in the future". He also went on a bit about how he had handled this friend's parent's death and I could tell he was wanting me to think well of him, but I just felt like he was trying to manipulate me. I told him I don't want anything to do with the family.

I am wondering whether to let my parents see our DCs. DC don't miss them at all (have always been lazy grandparents). I thought DH could take them to a park or restaurant or whatever so they could see them and have lunch etc. If my parents asked to see the kids I would let them I think. I don't know whether to suggest this or not. On one hand I have never wanted to cut them out of their lives. On the other hand I can't tell if I'm feeling obligated because of the cheque she sent.

If she tries to send DH or me a cheque I will definitely not accept it. But my counsellor and I agreed this is for the children and that's fine.

The therapy is going well. I broke down in tears a few weeks back which I guess is progress as until then I was quite unemotional about the whole thing.

I have also told two more people - a couple who are our best friends. They have known me a long time (DH's friends from uni) and I felt I wanted them to know. They have been so so lovely. I also told a childhood friend but couldn't tell her who it was - just an extended family member. She knows my family very well and last time I saw her she even commented on how kind my brother was.

Sorry for the essay. I guess I'm struggling with it a little right now with father's day and surgery and stuff. I guess it feels that the longer it goes on with NC the more likely it is to stay that way. Which doesn't bother me. But I am thinking about it from their POV.

Oh, and I haven't heard from MIL at all either.

Thanks for reading.

Two weeks ago I told my mum to Fuck Off on the phone and it was so liberating. The week prior to that I found out through a childhood friend that my dad was in hospital (via a 999 call). I went to visit him twice. The first time he was not very with it but he was grateful that I went and I when I went to kiss him goodbye he lingered, and he thanked me for going in. The second time my mum was there so I just spoke to a nurse about him (without being seen by my mum or my dad or the auntie who was there with my mum). It was a long trip for me - over an hour each way but I didn't mind. It felt like the right thing to do.

He didn't seem to be responding to treatment and they had changed tack a couple of times about what was wrong with him. So during the week I called the hospital morning and night for updates. (I was determined that I would not get in touch with my mum to find out how he was doing).

When I called on the Friday (he went in the previous Saturday and I found out he was there on the Monday) the nurse told me apologetically that she had been instructed not to give me any further information about his condition. She reassured me that he was doing better/doing well. This has obviously come from my mother. Petty, controlling bitch. I was beyond livid. I tried to calm down for an hour but in the end I called her and told her I never wanted to hear from them again. I said I was thinking about calling the police as I wondered if my brother had also abused his own children, and then I told her to Fuck Off.

So I feel like this has gone full circle now. Earlier in the year when I was posting here I had asked them for time and space to sort my feelings out. I told them what had happened to me, but I didn't go into great detail re the seriousness of the abuse. I told them a cousin was also involved. I have 10 male cousins; they didn't even ask me which one. I have not heard from them at all apart from the cards as mentioned in the previous post.

So I asked for time and space and instead of being understanding they have basically decided to cut ME out of THEIR lives. Which in a way makes things easier for me. Some of you warned me that this may happen; that they don't believe me or they simply don't want to/can't deal with the situation. But that's okay; I don't regret telling them. I just could not live with the weight of it all any longer.