Don't think I can do this anymore. Think I need to go NC.

[AbsolutelyKnackered]

In a nutshell I was sexually abused by a sibling from the age of about 8/9 for a couple of years. Sibling was 2.5 years older. Sometimes a cousin was also involved, he was 4 years older (than me). Parents never found out.

I was also borderline abused by a music teacher when I was 10. I quit lessons but never told my parents why. He ended up going to jail for a string of sex attacks on pupils and it was then, after CID seized his 20 year old diaries and contacted my parents (I was then an adult) that I told them.

I have never had a good relationship with my parents, particularly with my mum. Apart from all of the above we are very different and I don't like her very much. She is quite passive aggressive. My father is quite aggressive (not physically but is very tightly wound). However, I have always kept her in my life out of a feeling of obligation etc (yes, am aware of the FOG!).

My own DCs are now the same ages that my brother and I were when things started and I feel like I'm going through PST. I just keep thinking WTF on a constant loop.

I find I am surly with my mum and I know it upsets her but I just cannot bring myself to be any other way. They don't know what I have been through and I cannot tell them. So I am the black sheep and the one who causes problems because I cannot bring myself to play happily families any more - I did that for 20+ years. I am distant and that's the way I want to keep it.

I remember at around age 9 I had really bad IBS and this was investigated at the hospital. I also remember being taken to the doc as I was so skinny. I have only made these links today. I am constantly looking at my own children and thinking HOW COULD YOU NOT THINK SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I have seen a counsellor about all this. I told DH a few years ago. I told my BF a year ago. It felt good to get it off my chest. I just feel that right now, I cannot have my parents in my life. It's stopping me sleeping and I'm having nightmares. Yet still I cannot tell them why I am distant and angry with them. But I am angry. They did not keep me safe. And I've had to play happy families ever since. And I have. But I don't feel I want to do it anymore.

It's okay to go NC right? Without being able to give them a reason why (to protect them, oh the irony). What happened to me wasn't normal, was it? (I of course also have to live with the extreme shame).

Sorry for the ramble.

Thank you for indulging me, OP. It is helping me to try to articulate some of this stuff, because I never set out with a Great Plan of how to cope with what happened to me. It just happened organically.

I'm not how they want me to be.

This is the root of it, OP. I guess you could boil down my post to this: whether you tell them or not is an entirely separate issue from you being the person you are.

Please hear me when I say: you ALREADY have permission to be you. You don't need affirmation, confirmation or permission from them.

This could not be more fundamentally important.

My experience was that I went NC from my parents, and it was freeing, but in a minor way. But the whole avoidance/minimisation of contact was based on repressed anger. To put it another way, the anger was always still there, it's just the cues for it to pop out were fewer. So I was still just as shaped by the experience, and just as unable to move on at a deep level. However, this is not an argument against going NC. I needed to do it, for a time, to be able to survive and to make progress. Maybe the same is true for you. Your parents sound demanding, critical and intrusive in ways that are hurtful and upsetting for you now, and it might provide a valuable 'reset' button for you.

It was only when I became completely independent from my parents, so that I could take their opinion and view of me with a shrug and could honestly say 'I don't agree and it doesn't matter' that I was fully freed of the anger and the pain. And though that sounds like a rejection of their viewpoint, it was no longer based on anger. In fact, the only way I could reach it was through rediscovering my love for them as my parents. And that love was not built on comparing them to an ideal or perfect family, but on accepting them will all their flaws and mistakes, and saying 'I'm different but I understand you weren't perfect, and it's OK because I have my own life now. And I realise you'll always judge and dislike me, but that's OK because I don't take those opinions on board any more'.

To be absolutely clear: forgiveness is something you do for YOU. Not for them. It sounds as though you're thinking too much about them and too little about yourself. You need to repair your wholeness of self away from their judgments, to free yourself from the need for their approval and acknowledgement. Part of the reason I worry about you sending a letter right now is that, in my case, it was actually a cry for simplicity: EITHER accept my version, OR don't see me. With both options, my selfhood was entirely based on their reaction to me, not something that was independent of them.

Wow shove. You are amazing for being able do that. I don't think I could ever "rediscover my love for them" and at the moment of course I don't want to. Even if I did/could they would soon wear that down with their ongoing behaviour (and I know that's your point - to get to a place where that doesn't affect you). I'm in awe of you though!

OP, have just read your whole thread and you are doing so brilliantly. Your parents sound so much like my parents, and I can identify so much with how you feel about them. They sound highly emotionally abusive, in the way that mine were - not allowing you to have feelings of your own, labelling you as the 'troublemaker' or the 'difficult one', not being able to really hear anything you say to them, denying, minimising, expectations of 'happy families' and trying to pressure you into having a close relationship with a sibling, refusal to treat you as a separate person.

This is dark, messed up, seriously traumatic stuff, even without the added horror of coming to terms with your past abuse at your brother and cousin's hands. You are coping so brilliantly though, I wish I could give you a hug or a medal or something! You are in touch with your anger and you (mostly) are convinced that you have a right to feel it. You most certainly do. You are starting to draw boundaries for yourself - refusing to call your mother on her birthday because you just don't want to. You're realising that it really is ok to refuse to do what your parents expect of you. It really is. I completely understand the sick panicky feeling you describe but I promise you, it will be ok. The world will not end and the sky will not fall in. She may be furious - let her fume. You absolutely do not have to keep up the happy families charade if you no longer want to.

Like other said, take your time with the letter. I'm sure just writing it was enormously helpful to you. If/when you do tell them, it needs to be at a time when you are ready. My only advice would be to think very very long and very very hard about what you want to get out of telling them. If its just that you need to say it and can't bear the burden of keeping a secret anymore, fine. But if even a tiny part of you is hoping that they will be horrified on your behalf, and guilty, and will want to acknowledge their failure to keep you safe, and make it up to you, that may not be a possibility. If they call you a liar and accuse you of making the whole thing up, how will you feel? What will you do?

You said it yourself - this is about you. Your first thought at all times needs to be about you now. Protect yourself from them. Good luck and keep posting x

Please don't be in awe. I really mean that. I am nothing special, I promise.

I did it for me, and then not even intentionally. It was the only way I could find to let go of corrosive anger and be a whole person, putting the past behind me. I just found that feelings of compassion and understanding made me feel nicer inside than feelings of rage and disappointment - I felt peace for the first time ever and freedom from all of the irritations and the pain.

I still sometimes have days where I struggle, though, especially recently!

Forgiveness seems to be seen as the standard desirable response in our society, to such an extent that it's almost seen as the "normal", the "good" thing to do.

I think this obscures the fact that forgiveness as a desirable, virtuous response belongs in a strongly Christian framework, i.e. is part of a religious ideology. This doesn't mean that it's good or bad, but just that it's part of an entire system of thought which you may or may not subscribe to (or you may subscribe to a certain degree but no further).

Personally, not subscribing to a Christian point of view myself, I don't think that forgiveness is particularly desirable in many cases, and certainly should not be seen as the default reaction to be expected of a "good" or "virtuous" person. There's nothing wrong with being unable, or unwilling, to forgive. It doesn't make you a bad person. And I don't think that's unhealthy. There's a difference between not forgiving and holding a grudge, or seeking revenge.

(And in the case of the woman who - allegedly - forgave the Nazis who murdered her family. Sorry, but that sounds completely insane to me).

Also, I think that when genuine forgiveness happens, it happens naturally and cannot be forced. You genuinely forgive someone when what they did to you really doesn't matter to you any more. But it's like falling in love: you can't force it. Either it happens or it doesn't.

And yes, I believe that there are some things that cannot - and probably should not - be forgiven. Personally, I would be unable to forgive my parents in your circumstances. And I would have no desire to forgive them either.

I just texted my brother. Not in an angry out of control way. More in an in control but I need to talk to you about this way. I told him I have been having counselling for what happened to us as kids. I told him I wanted him to know that I know he was also a kid. That I think about it a lot and that I now know it is a big part of the reason why I have such a difficult relationship with our parents. I asked him if he ever thinks about it.

He replied that he doesn't know what I'm getting at, and that "I am older than you, my memory is failing already". He is 2 years 4 months older btw.

I have said I have written my parents a letter as I need them to know why I can't play happy families and that I wanted to talk to him about it first. He has asked me to call him as he is on his own.

I have texted back to say I cannot speak about this.

It's odd though. At first I thought did I imagine it all (even though I bloody know I didn't and so that's a very weird feeling). But the fact that now he knows I might tell my folks he is saying call me, and also call me because I'm alone?!

Shove, your posts have really helped me thank you. OP hope you're ok

He remembers perfectly well. And he's afraid of what you might say.

Wait until your husband's around to deal with him. It might get nasty, and it's good to have real life support at hand.

I agree completely with Distance's comment that 'Also, I think that when genuine forgiveness happens, it happens naturally and cannot be forced.'

Also, just to clear something up: I am an atheist, but not a militant one (one of my friends is a vicar and a way better person than I will ever be).

OP - oh gosh, this is a big step. I think your brother's response gives you one idea of how this might go down if you do open it up - selective amnesia, denial, conflicts scapegoating to the point of exile. I'm not saying it will necessarily be that way - but it's a strong possibility.

I just want to let you know we are all here to hand hold.

I didn't reply to his last textas above. He has asked for clarification on what I mean. I'm not going to reply. Let him stew. I have been vague but he must know. I just would have liked an acknowledgement. In a way this makes it easier to shut him out.

I haven't got much to add but am here to hold your hand as I think you're being so brave and strong bringing this into the open.

It's been very strange reading your thread as its like you're describing my life and my family. I could be you. Except I'm nowhere near dealing with it as you have. I've not told anyone in real life about the sexual abuse although I have talked about the bullying. I'm still deep in the FOG.

Pressed post too soon.

I think your brother is going to do what my brother did when I confronted him about the emotional abuse/bullying. Deny, minimise, lie and deny again.

Sorry, joining in late here but this post has really dragged on some old memories from my own childhood. I was abused by another little girl from the age of about 5 until she moved when I was about 8. She used to call it 'the game' and I honestly didn't know we where doing anything wrong. It wasn't until I reached my adult years and looked back on it that I understood the gravity if it. I went on to play this 'game' with a cousin who is a similar age to me (about a year younger) and had no idea I was doing anything wrong as it was a learned behaviour. I assume the girl who abused me had somehow been abused herself and my cousin and I have a pretty decent relationship and neither of us has ever spoken about it as adults.
I can understand why you feel so hurt and angry but my parents are both lovely people and have no idea of this despite it going on for so long. I was just a child and obviously never meant to hurt anyone. Your brother could have been in a similar situation and have been a busy by someone else.
You have been abused but that doesn't mean your brother or cousin are abusers, they could have been acting out taught behaviours.
I think you have a right to feel failed by your parents but if they genuinely didn't know this will be really hard for them to take in. Your brother probably does remember and probably carries around a huge amount of guilt.

When as a mother you walk into the bedroom your children share and you see your daughter with her pants around her ankles with your son there too do you ignore it? She was aware enough to say "I don't know what's going on here but it doesn't look very nice" and then she left the room and it was never spoken about again.

I have actually said that I can't really feel that my brother is an abuser. I see him as a victim in a way.

I'm glad for you that your parents are nice ppl. Mine are not, unfortunately. They have failed me in manyways and have tried to control me my whole life. They reacted badly when I was tfe victim of DV. For example.

No doubt it will be a shock for them. But then they're not the ones who have had to live with it.

I really hope you didn't take my post the wrong way absolutelyknackered I completely get where you're coming from with wanting to go NC and wanting to tell them. I just think if you look at things from the perspective of your brother if he was abused and your parents (however horrible they may be) it might help you come to terms with everything a bit.
I went through a stage of feeling very angry that no one protected me or knew that anything was wrong but even if they did or didn't suspect anything maybe they just didn't know how to handle it or how serious it was.
Even though all this happened to me there where plenty of times my brother and I would get undressed as kids and although your mum would probably have been alarmed to walk in on her kids with their clothes down she might not have thought it was a sinister as it was. Loads of kids experiment and maybe she thought it was more innocent than it was?

Morning OP, how are you doing today? I have to respectfully disagree with the previous poster - this is not the time for trying to see things from your parents or brother's point of view. This is a time for you - to feel and process your anger, to take control of the situation, to take care of yourself, to start to heal. It sounds like all your life your feelings have been minimised by your family but you are determined that will not happen this time. Keep your focus on you. Maybe one day you will want to think about forgiveness, maybe you won't. Like another poster said, it will have to happen naturally if it does at all.

Lotta, I agree you can't force forgiveness, even if it was merited,

However, maybe the brother was violated by the cousin, maybe they both were violated by the father, the uncle or the grandfather, So, while it doesn't clear them from all blame, it does change the situation, in as much as they were all abused, & being children didn't know it was evil.
OP hasn't said if they menaced her with being put in an orphanage, or other fear, if she spoke out. Maybe they did, which means that they knew at the time it was not to be spoken of, (thus forbidden) altho they might have already heard that from their abuser, so again it is learned behavior.

OP believes her parents knew, well they should have realized something was wrong, but maybe they never in their furthest nightmares imagined that the 'pants around the ankles' incident was more than boys showing girls their bits, & vice versa, & thought that the disapproval was enough to close the incident. Maybe she never understood at what depth the repeated abuse was.

Now that OP has told the brother, the "outing" has been set in motion.
The brother said he was alone, which meant that his wife/family wouldn't hear any conversation. He will be calling OP, he wants to know if his life is about to implode. he is in trouble. the cousin is in trouble, even if they unite & deny it, the boat is going to be rocked.

Mother & Father will not go NC on this in the first instance, even if they deny it too, they will be on the doorstep to get some kind of explication, whether they say your are delusional attention seeking freak, or rant about why you never said anything, or total distress that they were so futile in ignoring the signs.
You won't get way with the letter, & then silence. People don't work that way.
So NC is something that will happen, but before that there will be a tidal wave of anger/horror/pain/disbelief/accusations/sister in laws/police enquiry ????

Sorry, to be clear, I do think you should send a letter. when you are ready, just that you need to know that the "cleansing" you are seeking, is not necessarily going to be the gasp of fresh air you have been yearning for

Thank you. I am doing okay. He sent me a text at 8.30pm last night asking if I am going to send him any more texts tonight as he is going toturn his off. I replied with a simple no. At that point I realised he does remember. I have just switched my phone on to a text asking me what I want him to do. I think he must feel I am blackmailing him. I guess in a way I am. But how he reacts needn't directly impact if I tell them.

I replied to say I just want him to acknowledge it etc. I have been very fair I think. Not at all angry. Just searching for answers on whether he feels it's caused him problems in his life. He has just replied saying I honestly don't remember but if I have done anything to upet you I am really sorry. Bte this is someone who never apologies, let alone for rtg he can't remember doing. He also says this letter will really upset mum. She is already upset that we don't get on.

It's all very manipulative yes?

I think I will just tell him that I have not decided whether to send it yet.

In a way I feel a lot better for confronting him about it even though it's been a one way conversation.

Odd that he can be sure the letter will upset me as he claims to have no knowledge of what it's about.

He is attempting to negotiate a truce. & hoping that you don't want to upset yr mother.
reply:
yes I expect there will be some fallout.

I have told him that I have not sent the letter. That I have written It and may send it. He has replied pleading that I don't. although still claims he doesn't know what I am talking about. He has apologisw for not making the effort to see us in our new home ( seen him twice in three years). Also says perhaps he isn't welcome?

I felt some pity for him my whole life but that's going now. He said he has never been abused. Feels like he is scrabbling like crazy.

I have told him I have nothing more to say at the mo.