Don't think I can do this anymore. Think I need to go NC.

[AbsolutelyKnackered]

In a nutshell I was sexually abused by a sibling from the age of about 8/9 for a couple of years. Sibling was 2.5 years older. Sometimes a cousin was also involved, he was 4 years older (than me). Parents never found out.

I was also borderline abused by a music teacher when I was 10. I quit lessons but never told my parents why. He ended up going to jail for a string of sex attacks on pupils and it was then, after CID seized his 20 year old diaries and contacted my parents (I was then an adult) that I told them.

I have never had a good relationship with my parents, particularly with my mum. Apart from all of the above we are very different and I don't like her very much. She is quite passive aggressive. My father is quite aggressive (not physically but is very tightly wound). However, I have always kept her in my life out of a feeling of obligation etc (yes, am aware of the FOG!).

My own DCs are now the same ages that my brother and I were when things started and I feel like I'm going through PST. I just keep thinking WTF on a constant loop.

I find I am surly with my mum and I know it upsets her but I just cannot bring myself to be any other way. They don't know what I have been through and I cannot tell them. So I am the black sheep and the one who causes problems because I cannot bring myself to play happily families any more - I did that for 20+ years. I am distant and that's the way I want to keep it.

I remember at around age 9 I had really bad IBS and this was investigated at the hospital. I also remember being taken to the doc as I was so skinny. I have only made these links today. I am constantly looking at my own children and thinking HOW COULD YOU NOT THINK SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I have seen a counsellor about all this. I told DH a few years ago. I told my BF a year ago. It felt good to get it off my chest. I just feel that right now, I cannot have my parents in my life. It's stopping me sleeping and I'm having nightmares. Yet still I cannot tell them why I am distant and angry with them. But I am angry. They did not keep me safe. And I've had to play happy families ever since. And I have. But I don't feel I want to do it anymore.

It's okay to go NC right? Without being able to give them a reason why (to protect them, oh the irony). What happened to me wasn't normal, was it? (I of course also have to live with the extreme shame).

Sorry for the ramble.

Well there you go, she knew didn't she?

YOU haven't done anything apart from ask for space. A simple request and they won't even support you in that.

It's them, not you. Focus on yourself and leave them to sort their own mess out.

Hugs

Hi AK! ive just read through all your post you sound like your doing fab! your so strong.................just don't do anything your not comfortable with! So sorry but your right i think your mum knows fine well who at least one of the perpetrators are! the incident when you were a child was so wrong im not sure how she could have ignore it................! spend your energy on your DH and children you sound like an amazing mum hope someone comes along with more advice.

well said RandomMess!

Oh she knew - but of course she knew. Oh OP. Holding hand. You were clear, strong and you have nothing further to justify yourself for regarding this. Take this week slowly. We are here for you.

So brother has been round doing damage control ?
well, she needs to know the truth, she is even asking for it.
send the email. & say "that is ALL", you are trying to heal, please respect her wishes, their pseudo concern is too late.
take care of yourself.

your wishes....

Oh OP, you must be feeling all over the place. Now you know - she knew what was going on. I notice that all her concern is for herself - I can't stand it, you simply must tell us etc. Where is her concern for your wellbeing, for your pain and suffering? I said it already - your whole focus and all your energy needs to go on you now. Do not be railroaded into doing anything you are not ready for. Well done for hanging up on her. You are doing brilliantly x

I agree with Mix. Send the damn email and be done. Or ammend it as required, given that she has basically admitted that she knows.

Then lie low and get on with your own life with husband and kids, your REAL family! It's good this has happened actually, it speeds up the inevitable, but I can imagine the shock you must be experiencing just now. How unexpected was that??! Bloody hell.

Let them deal with the fall out and only speak with them when you're ready. Let your husband protect you and field the calls etc.

Wishing you well at this traumatic time....

Thanks you everyone. My dad sent me an email which actually made me sob uncontrollably. (Email below). I replied with basically an amended version of my letter. I asked them to forgive him as he was just a child too. I finished by asking them to leave me be so that I can heal. Incidentally I still think she did know. But I don't think she told my dad. They could have guessed it was my brother I suppose as we have been very distant with each other in the last few years and that has bothered them. But I think they know. And of course they may talk to him about it and they may change their tune on believing me etc. I don't want to talk to any of them about it in any detail. I just want to move on. In one way I feel so much relief that I cannot put it into words. I feel lighter in a way.

Mum’s told me about your tel. conversation, needless to say we are both shocked to hear what you told her. We understand what you have been through all these years, if only you had told us what was happening, we would have done something to try to limit the damage to you. We feel sad that you felt you couldn’t trust us at that early age. I don’t want to give the impression that we are the victims because it is obvious we are not. Telling us it was a member of your family limits the person involved. It is too little too late for us stop what happened to you, but if you feel we can do anything to help you on the road to recovery, we will do whatever we can.

You are more forgiving than me absolutely but I appreciate you must deal with this the best way you feel you can. "We are both shocked...." my arse! Like they knew nothing? Your mam walked in on you being abused. And haven't you been emotionally abused your entire life?

They are ALL responsible. She knew you had been abused and went on to treat you like utter shit and all the while polishing Golden Boy's halo! That is unforgivable behaviour in my book and if there was ever a justifiable reason to go NC with them, THAT was it! Of course they all knew. They just pretended it didn't happen and they favoured your abuser over you, as if blaming you for being abused in some fucked up way, possibly?

Either way they abandoned and failed at their duty as parents. Not only as a child but as an adult. I'm referring to the incident you were attacked and turned up at their house and your dad was more concerned bout wot the neighbours think, btw.

Hope you take plenty time to yourself and spend it with your husband and kids. Your REAL family. Wishing you all the very best for the future and your recovery But I wouldn't have thought a "relationship" with your relatives is remotely salvageable now and would you even want one?

Good riddence to bad rubbish I say.

Thanks chimi. No, I don't think I do tbh. I haven't forgiven any of them btw. And partly I think I want their relationship with my brother to stay intact because it makes me feel better about bowing out of family life. I don't want to leave a trail of destruction behind me. I think it's a testament to how far I have come over the years that I am able to say that I don't wish any of them any ill. I have waves of anger for them of course, and as much for the other stuff as you say. What I would like is for them all to carry on but just leave me alone. However, I don't think they will. It's like the mafia. Family is "everything" (except we know it's not of course). Interesting that they haven't asked who the cousin is - I have six male cousins within a ten year age bad and it could have been any one of them (lots of big family gatherings at each other's houses).

It's funny as I have a memory of being a kid (mid teen probably) and my mum telling me that her sister had told my mum that she had found out something really upsetting but that she could never tell her what it was. I had a strong thought at the time that that's what it was and it's bugged me ever since. (It wasn't the cousin's mum - an aunt). But I wonder if HER children saw/heard sth?

Anyway, I am hoping to see the counsellor soon and I have the full support of my DH and BF. In the meantime I will be ignoring the phone. And after some thought I am not going to send a Mother's Day card. I am going NC, at least for a while.

I am so so grateful to everyone has written on this thread. I have had nothing but support :-)

You are a much nicer person than I am OP.

I think, had it been me, I would have replied to my father, & told him that it happened on numerous occasions, over several years, by the 2 named abusers.
That your mother had witnessed it on one occasion, & simply brushed her responsibilities aside. & given the circumstances, her constant moaning for accolade as mother or demanding best wishes, is more than a little displaced. & therefore to please leave me alone or I will be simply closing the door to all contact for the foreseeable future.
You are a strong woman, I admire you

Yeah. I did say that. I didn't name the cousin. Partly because I wanted to see if they asked me who it was. I said I felt very let down as a child and that they didn't protect me or keep me safe etc. I got this reply which I feel is a bit defensive and I am itching to reply saying wtf. But I don't want to get into an email spat. I don't feel I can talk to them about it on the phone or face to face. In fact, I don't ever want to talk to them about it.

Thanks for your reply, I can assure you we had no idea that anything untoward was happening, we could not protect you when we didn’t know that you needed protection.

The response does sound defensive.

If you had just been told this any 'normal' parent would have said 'OMG....I am so sorry....I didn't protect you and that was my job....please forgive me'.

In regards to your Brother, yes he may well be a victim....but how do you know he isn't still doing this? Please don't try to protect him. You are a strong lady, who like you said needs to heal that little girl.

I've sent another email. A bit no holds barred. The anger comes in waves. I'm guessing this is normal. I've been dwelling on the lack of apology or any real remorse etc.

I've said that no matter how THEY remember it I did not grow up in a home that encourage closeness. I grew up with a lot of anger. Cited a couple of examples. Used the F word (go me!!) just the once.

I've also told them to stop ringing me or I will change my number.

NOW I can go NC. I feel so liberated that I don't have to act any more. It's such an odd, alien feeling.

Totally normal for anger to come in waves. Be prepared for massive guilt attacks and 'what have I done???' moments - they will come and go too. It very much sounds like you want to go NC, at least for now, so well done for finding the strength

Your priority has to be to you. They'll probably try using emotional blackmail, try to 'justify' their actions and your brother will probably go on the 'offensive'.....he has a lot to lose....

Remember, you have done nothing wrong and you must no longer bare the weight of his actions anymore.

absolutely You are more than entitled to your anger, it's a long time coming after all, so channel it. It requires an outlet. You must be hugely relieved that it's all out in the open and maybe you'll want to name and shame the cousin in due course? They know about your brother ( it'll be interesting to see if it changes their relationship with him, Golden bloody Balls! ) and you are not obliged to protect the other abuser and consider the perpetrators' feeling before your own.

You don't need anything to make you feel better about bowing out of the family, though, do you? They're all wretched people. You've broken the mould and thank God you have!! Infact, wouldn't it just speak volumes if your parents' and brother's relationship just carried on normally? More than a bit sinister to say the least! Within any normal family it'd be HIM that should be ostracised. But we don't have a normal family dynamic here do we?

It's also be interesting to be a fly on the wall to hear wot your bro is saying to your parents and vice versa. I mean, how can he and your cousin possibly defend themselves? They KNEW what they were doing FFS!

BTW that email just smacks of them absolving themselves of responsibility IMO. What a load of bollocks! So glad you're goin NC tho. It really is the best medicine. They do not deserve you as their daughter. You deserve better.

I think the cousin needs "outing", particularly as there was an aunt who had some terrible secret. He/they may have been doing this to other cousins &/or still doing it to their own daughters.......

Hugs OP it's been a hard week for you.

If you mention to parents that you have concerns that brother or cousin may be still behaving this way, do you think they (parents) would intervene? Instead of just doing nothing and hoping it goes away?

I don't think my brother would have behaved like this again, but then what do I know? He has three children, two of whom are now adults and one mid teenager. I do have quite a high pervert alert (because of music teacher mainly) and am super sensitive to this sort of thing (my family used to take the piss out of me about it a little ffs). It had never crossed my mind that my brother might actually be a paedo and I would be extremely surprised if that were the case. I realise that sounds naive but I am far from naive!

Cousin I don't know very well as have hardly seen him in adulthood. He is married with two boys who are early teens now.

I'm having a bit of a low evening. My DH is away overnight and I'm feeling bad for being so up front to my parents. I'm trying to remember that this is entirely normal and to be expected. I just wish DH was here.

Why are you feeling bad about that? For being honest? Don't let them guilt trip you or play the emotional blackmail card. It's tactical and it's manipulation.

Try re-reading your original post or even write down the stand-out events and examples of how they've mistreat you and let you down your entire life.

Isn't it about time they faced the music and the consequences of their actions? THEY are to be held accountable for THEIR actions. You have a right to feel aggrieved.

Write a list of all the things they did wrong and then ask yourself what you did wrong. The answer to the latter is; nothing. Don't feel apologetic for your anger. They deserve everything they get. They failed you repeatedly.

Stay strong. It's natural to wobble but take strength from MN and those closest to you.

Thanks chimi. I hear what you say. It's just that in my brain's quieter moments I can't help but feel sorry for, and worry about, the two people in their 70s who have just had this enormous bombshell dropped on them. I've struggled with it for decades. It must feel too massive to get their heads around. I've also had support from DH and BF and on here and seen a counsellor. They have no support to help them deal with the fall out. It will now overshadow the rest of their lives.

Sorry, Do not feel guilty you have told your mother & father. Your mother at least already knew remember, she is probably just dealing with the fact that possibly this is going to get out into the open......not good for image.
Other than that you have avoided a phone call, & you are planning to drop sending mother's day cards.
I feel that you have been so oppressed by them that you don't see that you can do what you want, life is not all sugar sweet, & lovey dovey family hugs & smiles as they try to project.. Life has been appalling & you are allowed to close that door to pain.
Sorry OH isn't there to hold your hand, don't look back, look forward to a lovely life with YOUR family

I had a text from my brother earlier today. It's made me feel really sick and panicky :-( I will post the contents below. Is there any chance at all that he doesn't genuinely remember? I don't see how because a) he was at an age where you would although you can block traumatic events from memory at any age and b) some of the things he says/has said just make me believe he does remember but is trying to save his own skin. I don't know if he knows if my parents have spoken to him but I don't think they have. Also, he has never been one to apologise, cos of course he is never wrong. And yet his apology here seems so over the top for someone of that "type". Also he has never bothered before about it being "just us two" when our parents die. (And in any case, no, it will be me and my family, just as it is now). That is sth my mum has said though "when we die I hate to think of you not getting on". Blah blah.

Hi. After our texting last week I have not stopped thinking what I have done. I am not lying. I don't know what it is. Can we meet up perhaps if I come down to (place) you might willing to have a chat. I am absolutely devastated I have hurt you so much. I know we haven't got on for a while but when mum and dad go it will be just us two. As I said I am really sorry to hurt you. I am not a bad person. Please get in touch.