Don't think I can do this anymore. Think I need to go NC.

[AbsolutelyKnackered]

In a nutshell I was sexually abused by a sibling from the age of about 8/9 for a couple of years. Sibling was 2.5 years older. Sometimes a cousin was also involved, he was 4 years older (than me). Parents never found out.

I was also borderline abused by a music teacher when I was 10. I quit lessons but never told my parents why. He ended up going to jail for a string of sex attacks on pupils and it was then, after CID seized his 20 year old diaries and contacted my parents (I was then an adult) that I told them.

I have never had a good relationship with my parents, particularly with my mum. Apart from all of the above we are very different and I don't like her very much. She is quite passive aggressive. My father is quite aggressive (not physically but is very tightly wound). However, I have always kept her in my life out of a feeling of obligation etc (yes, am aware of the FOG!).

My own DCs are now the same ages that my brother and I were when things started and I feel like I'm going through PST. I just keep thinking WTF on a constant loop.

I find I am surly with my mum and I know it upsets her but I just cannot bring myself to be any other way. They don't know what I have been through and I cannot tell them. So I am the black sheep and the one who causes problems because I cannot bring myself to play happily families any more - I did that for 20+ years. I am distant and that's the way I want to keep it.

I remember at around age 9 I had really bad IBS and this was investigated at the hospital. I also remember being taken to the doc as I was so skinny. I have only made these links today. I am constantly looking at my own children and thinking HOW COULD YOU NOT THINK SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I have seen a counsellor about all this. I told DH a few years ago. I told my BF a year ago. It felt good to get it off my chest. I just feel that right now, I cannot have my parents in my life. It's stopping me sleeping and I'm having nightmares. Yet still I cannot tell them why I am distant and angry with them. But I am angry. They did not keep me safe. And I've had to play happy families ever since. And I have. But I don't feel I want to do it anymore.

It's okay to go NC right? Without being able to give them a reason why (to protect them, oh the irony). What happened to me wasn't normal, was it? (I of course also have to live with the extreme shame).

Sorry for the ramble.

Hi Absolutely Just to put my tuppence worth in, for what it's worth, I think it'd be a better idea to tell them everything if you're going to go No Contact with them. If they genuinely didn't suspect anything about the abuse by your brother and cousin, surely they deserve an explanation from you before you do something so radical?

This must be the hugest of burdens you've been carrying all these years.....Perhaps you can write them a letter if it's too difficult to do it face to face? Anything is better than nothing.

Mind you, obv you're fully entitled to just go NC anyway, it's your right, after what you've described above. IMO, sex abuse aside, in your shoes, I would prob be NC with them by now. They sound horrendous! That was your dad's 1st reaction to his daughter who'd just been attacked? Disgusting!!!

Even if you choose to go NC with them without telling them about the abuse, I'm wondering if this would give you the relief and closure you seek giving that, it's kind of skirting around the issue and it may just act as a "sticking plaster" effect as a temporary measure? You must do what you instinctively feel is right for you as you will get all different opinions on here.

But what of your relationship with your bro and cousin now you're all adults? Please say you're not just going through the motions with them and keeping up the pretences of a normal sis/cousin?! None of you has amnesia, to be frank!

I hope you're getting some support from a close mate/confidante at this time.

btw, I've recently just gone NC with my Granda who is 93yrs ( and in good nick ) so age is irrelevant imo. We just have to stop making excuses for them ( they don't deserve it ) and stop being martyrs/scapegoats. We're all big boys and girls and, therefore, should be accountable for our own behaviour. And that includes historical bad behaviour.

It's one thing to freeze and say and do nothing, Absolutely. It's another thing to blame you for "disturbing the peace". And at the very least he should have apologised when he realised.

Your parents sound like - forgive me if I am blunt - they don't really give a shit about you.

Thank you. Thing is, I wonder if they did suspect but didn't know how to deal with it. My mum walked in on my brother and me once in a bit of a compromising situation. She just said "I don't know what's going on in here but it doesn't seem very nice" and walked out again. Also, we used to share a bedroom and then were split up (which could have happened anyway).

My cousin I never see - did do for years say once or twice a year at family gatherings. Last say him at a funeral about 10 years ago. Will see him at the next funeral/wedding or whatever.

My brother I was close with - we lived in a small village and all went about together until ppl started moving away and getting married. We just carried on as if it didn't happen. What else were we to do?

But now I am struggling a lot with my brother. Not seen him much in last few years. We've never discussed it of course. But I get questions from my mum about what has happened, why aren't we close. That when they die there will be a bad atmosphere between us as we're sorting the estate out etc. I get that in a way. I mean, my boys are best friends and I love that they will always have each other.

Ultimately I'm a forgiving person. But I think I've just carried this with me for far too long.

Yes. I really think you should talk to a professional, Absolutely. It must have been such a burden, and for such a long time.

From what I've read Absolutely, I get the feeling your mum and possibly Dad actually know already about it and have chosen to push it under the carpet and hope it never gets a mention. Not sure why I think this but your DM sounds very capable of selective communication / keeping things tightly controlled (much like my own DM) I'm very very low contact with mine because as I'm raising my kids I can't believe how she raised us, all of us had digestive troubles due to bad diet and passive aggressive and angry parents/ atmosphere at home). It's hard but you have to look forwards with the focus on your own kids and how well you are raising your kids properly. Therapy helped me with this.

Surely your brother went on to do this to other people. Maybe it is time to start telling people.

I fear you may be right 123. What I find hard is the demands for contact. The "oh we love our GCs so much" even though they have always been lazy armchair GPs. I am sending the birthday card with a cheque in it. I am not going to call on her bday. If she calls me I am going to call screen. But I know she will a) be very hurt and b) be very pissed off with me. Last year was her 70th. When I asked my dad what she wanted he said she would like for me to send her a bunch of flowers via a florist. I refused. I said I didn't want to. In the same way that I always seek out the plainest "happy birthday" card I can. No mushy words here. She wants this illusion of a lovely relationship but you reap what you sow and she hasn't put in the hours. She just wanted the neighbours to see/to be able to tell ppl "my daughter sent me this beautiful bouquet". I suggested me meet for lunch with my DCs so that we saw her on her actual bday as it was a special one. We arrived for lunch and she said to the children "you didn't call nanny this morning to sing happy bday". No, but we are here at lunch and we have bought a fucking cake. That's how she is. Always has been.

My DH and I have a strong marriage. With our kids we are a really tight little gang. My focus needs to be on me, and on them, as you say.

Your messages are giving me strength and perspective and I am very grateful for all the replies.

Your DM sounds identical to mine! They are clever & manipulative. I send a card for birthdays no cheques tho and never answer my landline or reply immediately to her texts which frankly are her little games. My therapist told me always have an escape plan if you ever do have to be in their company, always remember you are stronger than you realise, it was not your fault, and never get sucked in by their ages - they still remember things and are probably living a happy little life together - except they enjoy letting you think you're causing all this trouble. Don't get sucked in

I agree that you have to pour all your focus into you own little family. Your own safe bubble. It's the only way. You can't fix or change the past or the characters in it, there's abs no point in putting any energy in that direction.
You need to dump this burden that you've been carrying around for so long somehow. I know it must seem impossible to tell your parents now. That's where counseling may help.
I read somewhere 'what you don't pass back, you pass on'. That's always stayed with me. I'm sure you're not 'passing on' stuff, but the fact that it takes so much of your headspace is reason enough - valuable headspace your DC deserve. That's kind of where I am at the moment. Sorry it I'm way off the mark xxxx

In the light of what you've written here, I do think you are absolutely justified in going NC. Also, you have no duty to tell them why. They won't understand, they won't be able to handle it at ALL and they may very well blame you - if not blaming the small child you were then, then blaming you the adult now for bringing it up. It's not going to make everything better; it's going to unleash a torrent of impossible feelings which might very well get swept heavily under the carpet.

If you tell them, they will be 'hurt'. If you don't tell them and go NC they will be 'hurt"... in a 'what will the neighbours think' sort of way. But it's clear that you can no longer play their nice happy families game. It's not a happy family at all, and that's even before the sexual abuse which they seem to rather have wanted to avoid seeing.

The time seems to have come for you to stand up to their anger and their rather shallow 'hurt'. If you wish to go NC, go NC.

I have a plan. I'm going to see my counsellor again - not seen her for a year and I trust her and click with her. I'm going to talk through with her the implications of telling them but for now that is parked. It's hard as I can't even just say "I was abused, you never protected me". Hard on this one to tell half the story.

I'm sending the card but I'm not calling. I might need some hand holding for that as I'm trained to call on birthdays. But I realise DM has 3 siblings who will all call her. And my DB will drop in as he lives less than a mile away. And my DF is there. So she's hardly alone.

She will think I am not calling as I'm in a strop about something. But I'm not calling because I need to put all this shit behind me and having enforced contact just keeps it front and centre half the time. It's not about HER. It's about ME. My needs. My family's needs.

Incidentally, those on low contact, how does that work? Do you always expect them to initiate phone contact or do you sometimes? Do they ever give you a hard time about not being in touch?

Thanks everyone. I had shit sleep last night with this all going through my mind, but I feel quite clear minded about it all today. Your replies have really helped.

That sounds like a strong first step Absolutely. To answer your question, no I never never never initiate phone contact. It hurts to hear her voice. So it's a bottom of my list task. Perhaps if she had considered building an emotional level relationship with her daughter from an early age as I'm doing with my DD then perhaps I would have an interest in phoning more often. But it's just not like that. To phone would be opening myself up to any 'attack' of her choosing - she is very hurtful with words on a level that mothers ought not to be. For those with normal healthy mother daughter relationships this is very difficult to understand. They wouldn't think twice about calling often/meeting up/shopping together/travelling together.

Also for me, I equated giving up contact /reducing contact to going on a diet - eating less junk food! For me, to ensure my health of mind body and soul, going low contact with toxic family members was an essential decision. One day at a time. Oh and therapist also told me to do one kind thing for yourself each day, vital for self esteem and to minimise the constant inner chatter self analysis wtc

Talking it over with your counsellor is a very good idea. Basically, I would say do whatever you think will best help you to manage the feelings that you have about this. Carrying the anger about what happened is very hard for you and ultimately unhealthy.

Thank you so much guys. 123 you sound very together and absolutely lovely and I get everything that you say.

I've just been for a long walk by myself. I think I have come to the conclusion that I do need to tell them. For many reasons. I want to do it NOW but I know it can't be a knee jerk reaction. I couldn't do it face to face. It would have to be in a letter or email. I also don't know what to write. I need it not to be too long and emotional.

I think I might have a think and maybe post what I'm thinking of writing as I feel it's important to do a good job of it. It may even help just to write it down. I don't need to send it any time soon.

Counsellor can't see me for a month. I think I need to have seen her once at least before I send it, and after for fall out. Although my DH and BF are being very supportive.

But I feel I need to do it now. I feel like a fog has lifted. I have always dismissed the idea of telling them. But I feel quite strongly that it is the only way I will be able to move forward. Whatever the consequences (for them, for my brother, my cousin, their relationships) I don't see it as my problem any more.

And gosh I have just had a lightbulb moment. I feel worried in case I tell them or I go NC and then I regret it when one of them dies. But what if I don't tell them and I forever have to hold on to this anger and feel I will never be able to tell them?

I'm so glad you have made a decision and the fog seems to have lifted. I think I speak for everyone on this thread when I say that we'll be here to give you support whenever you need it. And that we're all rooting for you

Oh wowsers. Tears again. Thank you so much Distance. This is exactly what I need. I tried to find the Stately Homes thread but cannot see it.

Here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2262683-But-we-took-you-to-stately-homes-Survivors-of-Dysfunctional-Families

Thank you. I was looking through all the months at the top. Didn't realise current one required scrolling down. Doh.

You sound stronger today than yesterday! If it were me, I'd be at the stage of thinking hang on a minute how comes I'm carrying all this around getting upset angry etc all the while they're playing happy families thinking nothing went wrong back then/everything's fine. Well it bloody was NOT ok for that to happen and/or for them to know it happened and to pretend for all these years that it is your choice to be angry. Sometimes people need to be shown the truth even if it's not what they'll want to hear. Why should you sugar coat something like this just to keep everything nice and simple for them? Rant over sorry

Can I ask for some honest opinions on this please? I don't want to be all melodramatic. But I need to be honest.

"I was sexually abused by my brother and a cousin as a child. It started around the age that my youngest child is now. It was as serious as it gets, and it happened many times. I have lived with the shame and the pain for over 30 years.

I look at my children now and I wonder how the fuck did you not suspect? How was this allowed to happen? Why did you not protect me and keep me safe, as parents are supposed to do? I would kill for my own children. I am completely in tune with them; with what they go through. They know that I love them beyond measure and they can trust me to keep them safe.

I am angry and full of rage towards you, but to keep the peace I have tried to push it deep down inside me. To protect “the family” I have lived with this awful secret for most of my life. To protect you I have suffered more than you can ever imagine. To protect everyone other than myself I have had to “play nicely” with my abusers for the rest of my childhood, and into adulthood. And yet you have always seen me as the troublemaker, the difficult one. You have no fucking idea what I have lived with. Oh the irony.

I have tried not to direct my anger at you so other people have got it instead, or it has eaten away at me. I can’t do it any more. I won’t do it any more.

My counsellor, my husband and my best friend have all helped me see that the only way for me to move on with my life is to tell you. I know this will hurt you and I am sorry for that, but that is not my problem. It’s time you knew why I’m like I am. Why I am so screwed up.

I was a child. I was vulnerable. I needed your protection. You have never shown me any love. You have never shown me any support. You have never shown me any encouragement. You have openly admitted that you never worried about me because “we knew you’d be okay”. You have admitted that it was my brother that needed the care and concern. Again, the irony.

I can’t be in touch with you at the moment. I have sent you a birthday card already. I am cutting all ties with my brother and his family. I will not be sending any cards in the future.

I am looking back at that little girl I once was and doing everything to heal her. She deserves that, and my loved ones, my true family and friends deserve that too".

I wouldn't say you are screwed up, Absolutely, because you're not.

Otherwise, I think it's spot on.

And perhaps you should specify what cousin it was.

And - finally - in the second paragraph perhaps you might want to give some examples of ways in which you were clearly unhappy after the abuse and other symptoms that something was very wrong.