HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

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Just need Drifting back in the fold, then all are safely gathered in!
Where have you disappeared to my love? Just message to say you're ok, :)

It helps if you approach mediation with the expectation that your ex will lie and manipulate his way through the session and that he will try to be as unfair as possible. It doesn't matter. Divorce law is about fairness it doesn't matter if he wants it all his way the mediator won't encourage that because the courts won't allow it. My ex cried himself in our session as he droned on endlessly about what a victim he was poor him being seduced by evil OW. The only time I felt myself losing it was when the mediator sympathised about how hard it must have been for me. I said I don't want to talk about that whats done is done and I can't change the past. She said that was a good attitude and moved on and I managed to compose myself. She had a box of tissues ready so they must be well used to people crying.

I thought of Drifting the other day too, hope he is ok.

Re maintenance - there is no other word for it than disgusting. Simply disgusting. When the OW has her baby, no doubt he will cut the payments again. It will be roughly 8 times less than he used to contribute when we were together. Although at least now I don't have him spending all the money on crap. I am desperately trying not to become bitter about money because I don't want it to eat me up as well as everything else but it does sting what my children are worth to him. Paying the absolute minimum - how can he even look at himself in the mirror. After the whole speech when it first happened about how he'd give me half of everything he earned, how appalling the maintenance calculator was and how he'd never let the children down. What a joke. That lasted all of 3 days.

Urrrghghghhhhhh!!

Hope you've all got nice plans this weekend. I plan to get very, very drunk.

I thought of Drifting the other day too, hope he is ok.

Re maintenance - there is no other word for it than disgusting. Simply disgusting. When the OW has her baby, no doubt he will cut the payments again. It will be roughly 8 times less than he used to contribute when we were together. Although at least now I don't have him spending all the money on crap. I am desperately trying not to become bitter about money because I don't want it to eat me up as well as everything else but it does sting what my children are worth to him. Paying the absolute minimum - how can he even look at himself in the mirror. After the whole speech when it first happened about how he'd give me half of everything he earned, how appalling the maintenance calculator was and how he'd never let the children down. What a joke. That lasted all of 3 days.

Urrrghghghhhhhh!!

Hope you've all got nice plans this weekend. I plan to get very, very drunk.

So annoyed I managed to post it twice...

family - I had that speech infront of a counsellor - i had to trust him on the finances even though he knew that was ridiculous because he had lied about the affair - i guess they will just utter complete bullshit to keep control. I have been in the garden tidying up - izzie's post about the benefits of starting again is on my mind - whilst I am here it is always somewhere he did a runner from and as much as the kids want to stay here i guess they must feel a bit of this too. You know about a year ago some guy on here was giving me advice and couldn't understand how someone in charge of people could have such a communication problem - maybe i need to tell all those other people posting about communication issues to get out now - it will only get worse. and hobbit if i think about it too much i get the rage too but his behaviour disgusts me - would he want his DD to be treated like this - will I let my DS grow up to think this is acceptable - the answer to both is no way but yet he thinks this is acceptable - the sad thing I thought he was better than this - i was so wrong!

So tabby, do you get to talk about your story as well? I thought it was just about the division of the financial assets, does he get to hear the full background or just points relevant to our different situation?

That's going to make him squirm I'm sure, no wonder he didn't want to do it.

Although if I have to tell him my full back story, I will DEFINATELY blubb for Wales!

hobbit there was a bit of that in my 1st session - i think it was to try and get us to some sort of equal standing so that we could do this "parent for life" thing they harped on about and so that we both felt equally heard. STBXH didn't want to do this at all - didnt want to discuss anything to do with "feelings" hence why we have no communication now - dont think he does "feelings" - he thinks feelings and sex are the same thing as definitely didn't want to discuss that LOL

perhaps its quite true that men are from mars and women from venus! because it bloody feels like I am dealing with an alien!

I'm back - and yes I got upset a few times but I didn't actually cry - it's too expensive to cry when you're seeing a solicitor! Still there a while though!

So the most important thing I learned that might be important to you all is:

If you have negotiated division of assets but no maintenance, you can deal with the financial claims after for all children - even over 18s in uni. I even mentioned SN to him on your behalf Hobbit and was told:

The Court still retains jurisdiction to determine claims for the benefit of the children (DC can even can put in their own claim if able to/strong enough)

Now I'm not saying this is for all over 18s, but SN and uni would be taken into account. Payments will then be based on similar terms to CMS. ie if is earning a shit load and you have little prospect of good earnings, then you have a good case.

Hobbit and all – glad you’re keeping a sense of humour. If I wasn’t naturally optimistic I think I’d have topped myself long ago!

If you have a Twunt like mine, shaming absolutely does not work. They will pay lip service to feeling sorry for everything the DC have to go through, but that is it. And as for showing that they have got to you – a big no no. I learnt this very early on from someone who tried to push me down till I felt crap, only so he could build me up again.

Feeling ever so slightly chipper as sol told me I had produced the best paperwork he had ever seen, and if we went to court he would have no qualms about me doing all the work and he advises and helps out in court. (It's not like I do much else with my days!!!)

So Mediation…

1. Gather every bit of paperwork asked for on the list and scan it into a folder on the computer – current account in 1 file, pay slips in another. You might need it all again!
2. When you get session notes from the mediator, scan these into another folder, along with any observations and negotiations made (I convert any offers to spreadsheet format
3. When full (or in my case) enough disclosure has been made and you have any negotiations in place, make an appt with your sol to discuss and send the session notes in advance
4. If there is anything more required before or for the next session, email the mediator and request they pass this on
5. And at any meetings with the solicitor, if you are like me, you will waste half of it talking about the emotional aspect!

I'm sure you'll all get asked for what is required, but if anyone needs spreadsheets for reasonable needs that you can adapt etc, pm me

I now know, having explained my DDs and my current emotional situation to the sol, what to offer/accept and the point at which I walk away. I am fully aware that I could get more if we went to court, but have to weigh up the DDs needs as well

shaming absolutely does not work

It certainly doesn't when you're married to Father Teresa. He has never accepted he did anything wrong, he thinks he's some superhero for sticking with someone because she will fall apart without him. If I say anything, I'm being vile for doing so. Or the latest, being bitter. Well that's some projecting on his part! Oh and he even came up with the line that one opinion two marriages end in divorce! Well I can guarantee THAT line was given to him by the Freak

bobs good advice re paperwork. Except OMG that is what he will be like. It makes me want to go in, get hold of all of his stuff and set light to it! Except he will have 10000 back ups, no doubt. No family talking to him, but at least his paperwork is in order.

I don't think I could do a mediation session with him doing his Mr Reasonable Respectable. I would end up decking him!

I have thought a lot recently about his twatty behaviour since he left. That alone is enough to have alienated all of us. I'm very very angry with him. I feel like doing loads of bank transfers and putting statement options to post only, just to wind him up

When I'm free of him , I will destroy every bloody system he has in place finance wise. So symbolic. As it is, I have refused to be shown his bloody budget figures and sodding spreadsheets re shares. I asked him to check re capital gains tax re shares before end of tax year. He said he had done it and I could have the spreadsheets. Erm no, I have the certificates. And a bloody life to lead. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of feigning interest. Boring bugger!

Rant over for now

Easter will be a difficult time for me. So I shall be ranting a fair bit, I'm sure.

I have a new expression for you Izzie- going Izzieone instead of going off on one!!!
I think you need to hold back for the mo....and just plan Mwahaha

As horrid as it sounds, this is, at the end of the day, a game. and you need to play it to get the best outcome. Afterwards - well that's up to you

Btw make sure he has his figures right on CGT etc. I did mine as I inherited shares back on the dark ages and it was a lot of fun sorting that - involved tax inspectors etc. Very proud of the end result though

Easter for me involves DDs and chocolate - lots of chocolate. Shame we can't do an egg hunt - our place slightly too small!!

bob yes, a game indeed. And definitely not in the right frame of mind for that at the moment. I'm working through some thoughts about financial matters. Or rather, reworking. I think this is causing the anger. So I need time to reflect, absorb etc. Like you said, knowing what to go for, when to walk away. At the end of the day, I want it to be solely about what is right for me and the DSs. You know what I mean.

I know also that relations will have to soften again before negotiating. I need a breather first. Actually I'm also struggling with the concept of using his situation with financially independent bitch to my advantage. Maybe that's why I'm getting more angry with him, because I need to justify it in my own mind. I know when push comes to shove he's shown me no loyalty whatsoever. And the reason I'm still in the marital home is because he doesn't know what to do with his settlement, and maybe he feels he needs to have somewhere to go if/when it crashes with her. He's too proud/conceited to go stay with his dad. I would have no choice about him staying here if he chose to claim his joint ownership house, as he has continued paying all the bills, supporting me financially as if we were still a couple. Well, I contribute too, I work, although he thinks he's Santa. Joint account, no separate accounts. Financially very civilised unless I decide to transfer 2p or whatever from one account to another without letting him know in triplicate.

Hobbit yes the first session involved the mediator explaining the process, checking what you both want to get out of it, a bit of back story, trying to calm you both down by discussing how emotions affect us, briefly discussing the beginnings of arrangements for DC, then agreeing what information needs to be gathered in order to discuss finances. The finances weren't discussed much in the first session and she spent a frustratingly long and expensive time explaining the process and discussing the effects of fear and emotions.

Tabby

Is this article, an accurate reflection of mediation, do you think?

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/mar/12/mediation-takes-sting-out-of-divorce

Izzie yes it is accurate if dealing with a non abusive man although in my area the cost is a lot higher than quoted in the article. With an abusive man they use mediation to delay and manipulate and because the mediator has to be neutral they don't deal well with abuse IMO and you don't always feel heard. Because you aren't obliged to stick to any agreements it can be a waste of time if one person just wants to delay. With a non abusive man who wants to get everything sorted out I think it could work out well as with the couple in the article.

Bobs can you come and do my paperwork, it's shit, but better than his at least, considering the man is supposed to be intelligent, (but not an expert in communications like wwks idiot his spelling and grammar are terrible, as is his maths!

Well done Bobsy my love, you clever sort!

just had a look izzie - sounds about right - but does need both partners willing to cooperate and be flexible and RESPECT each other-- unfortunately for me would only have worked if Id agreed to everything STBXH proposed - her prices also seem v cheap

I have done nothing to him since he left. I've sent some texts. He, on the other hand, has made my life very difficult by passive aggressive behaviour re access to financial stuff. And frightening the life out of me by changing the address on all share holdings. As a "logical" step to me changing bank statements to paper, as I don't have full access re online banking.which he has always had. Pure spite. He insisted that I get his approval on what car I bought. Yet spent double on his without informing me. I have a number of spiteful emails written in faux solicitor style about me making unilateral financial decisions [really?], and asking the meaning of "filtering" money. Fucking £200 from one joint account to another, to start a new budget account. His style was the same as the spiteful solicitor for the vendors when we bought the house. Demeaning, jumped up, aggressive.

I may rant on here, but he's the one who has been the bastard.

Here's the last text I sent him, to put my rants into context:

"Over seven long years I lived a nightmare. I felt unloved, unattractive, worthless. It took every bit of strength I had to get through so many days when I just felt like I didn't want to be there anymore. I have lost count of the times I found out that you were cheating on me. Each time I tried to make things better, you blanked me. I put myself on the line so many times for you, told you I loved you, did everything I could to make things better. And you did precisely nothing except cheat. You even went to Relate, allegedly for us to work on the marriage, but in fact all you were discussing was your ongoing affair. You have no idea of the number of times I picked up the phone to speak to the Samaritans, or how worried some of my friend were for my wellbeing. .......and you tell me that I was unfriendly when you called round!"

Like so many of these despicable specimens, I hope he rots in hell for what he did to my kids. Let alone me

I've never said on here how long my shit went on for. I can hardly believe it myself. I'm embarrassed about how long I let it go on and did nothing about it. Finally posting the length of time on here is another step towards getting the hell away from him and everything associated with him

I'm going off for a while to clean out my cupboards. Need to get away from all thoughts of him.

Meantime DS2 and I have had the dubious pleasure of finishing off fitting the integrated fridge freezer. Literally everything practical, I have to do now. Well, I'm learning fast